I DID drive to TN and back. I stayed three days and then came back, leaving the kids with my dad for a long summer visit. Been back for a few days. So far I've managed to read two books and keep the kitchen clean.
I've been spending lots of time, well as much as possible, with my sweetie. He is sweet and fun. He's also about the complete opposite of what I would claim my ideal was. But I am trying to let go of my ideas of what I want and go with what I see and feel. I see an honorable man who is responsible, kind, a good dad and connected to his family. I feel safe and content and cared for when we are together.
Been avoiding some brother drama lately. They have both been staying with Aunts in Parsons. The relatives have made sure my brothers had work in the form of lawn care jobs. The relatives allowed the guys to use their yard equipment and vehicles. They also gave them rides and places to stay.
In return my brothers have been their own usual selves. Users of people and completely unmotivated to change their habits or outlooks. Why would they? Someone letting them have a place to stay, feeding them, getting them a little work, what's to change?
The guys got in a fight yesterday at my aunt's daycare. In front of her clients and foster kids. I'm not sure what it was about. At least one was drunk. They were both being out of line. And then I start getting calls, from Tom telling me how bad Mike was, from Mike wanting to stay with me. From my aunt all upset and wanting to know what to do.
I told everyone that the boys were grown men. They are 26, and 28 years old right now. At that age, the aunt who's business they threatened had birthed all her kids, was running her own business and helping her husband farm. My brothers are loosers who live in her camper trailer and mow a few lawns. Helping them doesn't help them do anything but maintain the same. I think they need offered a ride to one place, a shelter, an apartment, a cross roads, and then left there.
Tom had the nerve to tell me he wasn't willing to work at a fast food joint, factory, or store because he had higher aims. Great, fine, aim high, but pay your damn bills too.
It kinda pisses me off that I have to tell them, no, you can't stay with me. I shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to just be their sister and not always have to say no to requests for money, rides, places to stay.
Another thing bugging me: a mom
I know now through facebook, but we went to school together from the first grade. She was so smart and driven. I mean really driven. And competitive. It pissed her off that I got a 31 on my ACTs but she had higher grades. She figured I must have done something wrong that made the score higher because she was smarter, as proven by her grades. Truth is, I was more interested in following tangents I found interesting or reading books than in turning in perfect papers or getting a good score on a test. When my interests and the class content lined up, I did very well, when they didn't, I did well enough not to have to do it again.
I didn't know what I wanted to do as an adult. She wanted to be a pediatric oncologist.
She majored in family and consumer sciences in college. She's a stay at home mom. She and her husband have two sons and she is pregnant with twins. Her first two pregnancies were difficult and this one is more so. And she feels like she would be neglecting her family if she doesn't make them chocolate chip cookies, even though the smell and taste of chocolate make her sick right now.
And I just want to sit her down and ask what the hell happened? Neglect is buying booze and cigarrettes and then feeding your kids ramen. Not refusing to make a dessert that makes you physically ill. Neglect is allowing the utilities in a home to be shut off because you gambled away the money, not deciding that you aren't up for a long walk to the park on a hot day.
I totally respect the choice to stay at home with her kids. She and her husband feel that its best for them. He's a nurse, he makes decent money. But I don't understand this attitude that good mothering means making yourself miserable. I don't understand how my friend/rival from school is now that woman who's whole appearance seems grey and tired because she doesn't do a thing for her own self.
Is that what marriage is? Is that what parenting is supposed to be? Have I been wrong for the past 13 years of my life?
I am not perfect. I hate housework. Anything that has to be done again and again and still isn't going to be perfect feels like a waste of time to me. I like to cook, but I pretty much refuse to cook things I don't like to eat. I enjoy doing things with my kids. But when I am not up to it, I tell them No and find an alternative.
And I'd like to think that I'm a pretty good parent with great kids. My boys are adventurous. They all have gifts and quarks. They are healthy and happy and even Gideon can pretty much roll with life's ups and downs.
And yet compared to my friend, I'm a horrible parent. I don't make cookies with them on a daily basis. I don't homeschool (I actually do think homeschool is for chumps unless the parent REALLY knows what they are doing, is VERY organized and invests and TREMENDOUS effort into it, or the child has a condition that makes attending school impossible).
I respect my friend. Based purely on brain power, she's one of the smartest people I've ever known. She was always more ambitious that I was. And more willing to follow the rules and jump through the hoops to get ahead.
And now I'm sort of sad for her. And I don't know what to do with that. If I tell her these things, that will be the end of her considering me a friend. And if I keep them to myself, I am doing a disservice to wonderful person.
I should probably mind my own business and go finish mowing my lawn.
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