Tuesday, September 29, 2009

conversations

So I called the clinic this morning, explained that I had a schedualing mix up and asked if I could be worked in for today. I was supposed to have a pelvice (yuck) and follow up on the meds and the constant pooing issues.

They got me in for the follow up stuff, but not the pelvic (can't say that dissappointed me). The doc thinks I need a colonoscopy and gave me two names to check out as far as docs who do that stuff. I have to decide if I want to go ahead and do that. (I don't want to, but if I can afford it at all I probably will because these symptoms are not going away).

Told doc about feeling like I've lost some brain cells. I didn't just forget or mix up that one appointmnet, its been lots of stuff. I think I've figured out what the deal is. I've been actually sleeping at night. Usualy I go to bed and spend anywehre from two to six hours just resting but not being able to sleep. My mind would race and I would slow it down by focusing on all the things I need to do. I would usually be able to plan out the following day or days. What needed done soonest. What could wait. What I'd wear, what chores I needed to do. By the time I was able to fall asleep, it would all be worked out.

Now I sleep at night. I actually fall asleep when I hit the pillow. Its amazing because I have energy when I wake up. I have something in my batteries when I get home and can play with the kids and do some chores. But I don't have that time to set up my day before I fall asleep. I need to start using a planner, instead of just carrying it around.

Dad thinks I had something called hypomania going on, its symptoms include not sleeping, making lots of plans that are hard to accomplish, racing thoughts and irritibility. Unfortunatley that sounds a lot like me. I looked it up. It isn't a symptom of premenstral dysphoric disorder, or even a symptom of vanella depression. Its a symptom of bipolar disorder.

My mother was crazy with a capitol C. She abused pain, anxiety and any other medication she could get her hands on. She could be wise and supportive a terrifying and abusive, sometimes all in the same breath. My dad was a chronic drug and alcohol abuser for over two decades before he finally cleaned up his act. I certainly have the genetic potential to have serious mental illnesses.

I am not a perfect person, if I have ever claimed to be I was probably being sarcastic. I've made mistakes that have caused my life and my kids lives to be harder than they needed to be. But one of the earliest goals I made for myself, and one of the few goals that hasn't been cast away due to time or situation, was that my children would not grow up with a crazy person for a mother. And now I think I may be a crazy. Or at least a potential crazy.

Or I am making mountains out of molehills. self diagnosis is probably not something I should be doing anyway.

Monday, September 28, 2009

such a fucking scatter brain

Seriously, I have had a case of serious brain malfunction, which just PEEVES ME OFF AT MY SELF.

I have a doctor's appointment this week right? Well, its on wednesday at eight. I took off tuesday because I thought it was at ten. I took the day off. I called in a sub and made up sub plans. I told all the kids I wouldn't be there.

I'm a freakin idiot.

I don't know what my deal is. Except that its after eleven at night, the alarm clocks start going off at four, I need a shower, and I have a fictitious appointment in the morning. I suck, I really really really really suck. And it has to stop.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Good lord, its been over a week!

And that would probably bother people if anyone actually read this. But I think I have two people who occasionally pop over to see what I'm up, so the out cry at my absence is, lets just say, underwhelming.

And that's okay, because I'm a busy girl. Got shit to do, places to go, people to answer to. Sometimes I miss the days of being unemployed, penniless, and carless. Life was so much simpler. And I wieghed about thirty pounds less than I do right now. I'd swear off the car, get a bike with one of those super cute little hitches and ride my self and kids all over, but I live thirty miles from where I work, and I'm a big whinny wuss who would back out before I got to the grocery store. I guess that's what they mean by "know thyself", and in "know what thy self is really willing to do before spending the cash". Or something like that.

See how clever I am when I haven't posted in a while?

Anyway, developments. Still taking the celexa. Most of the side effects have backed off, as has the feeling that I am on some sort of medication. I can tell that I am mellower, ghost whisperer and animal cops doesn't make me cry anymore, but I still enjoy them. I am not perfect. Digestive issues still making my days interesting. Doc probably going to make me get a colonoscopy. Not something I look forward to. I have an appointment tuesday to see for sure what she wants to do with me.

Kids are good. Isaiah is in some ways such a big kid now it astounds me. He has taken to wanting to cook for us all. I don't mind it either, until he melted the kitchen sheers on a burner. That smelled GREAT. He's been demoted back to chicken nuggets and pb&j.

Between work and classes and keeping up with the house, I am just jumping from one task to another. I like the special ed stuff, but I feel like the proffesor is making some assumptions about what I already know, that are false and like I am always either faking my way through things or just plain playing catch up. I hope I can get a public teaching job for next year.

Work is going ok. This health stuff has me missing more days than I wanted. And I am sure that's a stressor on the boss and they system. But this is my health and it isn't worth 23.5K a year. I still like the kids, and I like what's going on in my classrooms this year. In my biology one class we are doing the three Es, ecology, evolution, and ecosystems. I'm showing a video on the life cycle of our sun tuesday, while the religon teachers are telling the kids that the dinosaurs aren't real.

Ahh, I miss summer. I wish saturday came twice a week. Some days I feel like I don't see my kids unless I'm getting them out of bed or putting them down. I just realized that in a week it will be my 28th birthday. I shouldn't be that old yet.

Sometimes I still feel like I'm sixteen with my whole life ahead of me and all that possibility. I still have creative, adventurous things I want to do and to try and to contribute. But right now I am bogged down in routine with no escape in sight.

That isn't exactly true. I just need to get a job that pays about 12K more a year than I currently make. That would get me off state assistance and let me pretty much maintain our current life style. I need to be just a teach. Not a teach and a graduate student and a single mom with creepy health stuff going on. Teacher and mom, that I can do.

I'm still tired of doing it all by my self though. Its my life, and there isn't any one thing i would point at and say "that, that can go away", but I do wish I weren't so ragged tired all the time.

Anyway, I've typed too long, I'm rambling. Have a good week all, I doubt I'll have much time to blogg before next weekend.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Damn facebook

You know how facebook has all these little "things" that people share with others? Well, a friend of mine had a video linked that was supposed to be about prevetning child abuse. I have kids, I am opposed to child abuse, so I clicked on the video. It was a news cast that had been placed on UTUBE. It was about a six month old baby whose case had altered the laws in that state. The news was recapping her case and the new law. They showed pictures.

She was six months old and covered head to toe in bruises. She had been bitten, raped (how does a person rape a baby?) her father and uncle had tossed her to the ceiling and allowed her to fall to the floor for fun. Her mother had bit her all over he body.

And I can't get the story out of my head. That little baby who was tortured her whole life. Who was hurt, not out of ignorance, or in a burst of missplaced rage, but who was tortured as the main form of entertainment in her home. I cannot understand how this can exist in this world. I have trouble accepting that evil like that can be real, and not something out of a slasher film.

It's made me sad all day. And other than hugging my own boys, reading them bedtime stories, and tucking them into bed, I don't know what to do. I know that as over whelmed as i sometimes am with my three, I would take another one who needed a home. I know that I don't have much space and I don't have much stuff, but that all children, especially little babies, need is love. Lots and lots of love. And the thought that a child was born into this world and knew nothing but terror and pain. It makes me sadder than sad. I wish she'd been called home earlier.

So I guess say a prayer for all the little ones. Keep your eyes open. And love the babies.

In other areas of life, things are, different. I finally got to see a doctor and explain about the emotional issues I've had that seemed to be related to my cycle. The doctor I saw put me on something called celexa. The first few days I felt a little dopey, my tummy was a bit upset, and I yawned a lot. I also felt mellowed out and less reactive. Less reactive is a good thing in my case.

So, at this point the dopey, slightly drugged feeling has faded and I'm noticing that I am less exhausted feeling at the end of my work day. I don't feel like spending all evening on the couch. I don't get mad at tiny, insignificant things. I don't feel overwhelmed as much. So, apparently drugs can be a good thing. And its only four dollars a month.

Monday, September 14, 2009

This is near where we live, but we aren't contaminated. Just rare for a national publication to mention this part of the world.


Mark Schiefelbein for The New York Times

Mayor Bill Blunk, of Treece, Kan., is pressing for a federal buyout of the town.

Published: September 13, 2009

TREECE, Kan. — Mayor Bill Blunk sees no reason for sugar-coating his opinion when asked to describe this town.

Mark Schiefelbein for The New York Times

Buyouts closed the nearby town of Picher, Okla., above, where piles of mining waste dominate the scene.

Readers' Comments

Readers shared their thoughts on this article.

“It’s dead,” he said. “Wasted land.”

Almost anywhere else on the map, such bluntness could cost a politician re-election. But not here. Mr. Blunk has the near-unanimous support of the population, 140 people or so, who are perhaps singular among residents of municipalities in that they all want out of theirs.

“I’d be happy to go as anyone,” said Randall Barr, a retired sand company worker. “You can’t do anything with this land. What good is it?”

For most of the early part of the 20th century, this little city in the southeast corner of Kansas had the feel of a rollicking boom town, its prosperity coming from land rich in lead, zinc and iron ore. Part of a vast mining district where Kansas, Missouri and Oklahoma meet, Treece and its twin city across the Oklahoma state line, Picher, became the unofficial capitals of a zone that in its heyday produced more than $20 billion worth of ore — much of it used for weaponry to fight World Wars I and II.

But when the last of the mines closed in the 1970s, Treece was left sitting in a toxic waste dump of lead-tinged dust, contaminated soil and sinkholes. On a hot summer day, children can be seen riding their bikes around enormous mounds of chat — pulverized rock laced with lead and iron. It is the waste product left over from mining that is the cause of so many problems here. Uncontrolled, it blows in the wind.

Treece and Picher — which is the much larger of the two towns, once home to 20,000 people and separated from Treece by only a gravel road, the state line — became part of adjacent Superfund sites that the Environmental Protection Agency has been trying to clean since the 1980s.

In Picher, the remediation of the land has proved daunting. In a move without many precedents, the federal government decided to buy out and relocate nearly the entire population, which had dwindled to 1,800 by 2000, leaving a dusty ghost town where the social and economic hub of the area used to be.

But the buyouts stopped at the Oklahoma line. Treece remains similarly contaminated, but now even more isolated. Officials in Kansas have been practically begging the federal government to move Treece’s impoverished people, mostly the children and grandchildren of old miners, but to no avail.

“You can turn and see one block away is Oklahoma, unsafe,” said Pam Pruitt, the city clerk. “They got bought out, and we didn’t? It’s incredibly unfair. The people here, if they wanted to leave, they can’t. They can’t sell their property. They can’t get bank loans to fix them up. They’re just stuck.”

The E.P.A. does not see it that way. The agency favors rehabilitation of the tainted soil in Treece, which mainly entails cleansing the top layer of sediment.

Senator Pat Roberts, Republican of Kansas and a staunch advocate of the buyouts, said he likened the strategy to “throwing a fancy rug over a hole in the floor.” He believes that it would be more efficient to simply move the people, which would cost an estimated $3.5 million.

Nonetheless, the agency says that it can accomplish the soil cleansing in 10 years and that Treece residents are safe in the meantime. In Picher, however, government scientists found that extensive waste deposits could not be remediated for several decades, and that residents would be at risk during the cleanup, hence the need for government-assisted relocation.

“They are two independent sites from the way we look at it,” said Mathy Stanislaus, the assistant administrator for solid waste at the E.P.A.

Mr. Stanislaus said that in Picher, the residential areas were interspersed with mining waste sites, but that in Treece, the residential areas were away from pollutants. Still, he said, the agency is “taking a hard look” at the residents’ concerns and will continue to evaluate their situation.

Such explanations do nothing to ease the worry of the people in Treece. In addition to living in fear of lead and other poisons, they lost their stores, gas stations, some public services, jobs and their social outlet with the demise of Picher.

That town ceased to be an official entity on Sept. 1. Only a few die-hard residents remain, unconvinced of the health risks or unhappy with their buyout offers.

They live in a gothic landscape of varying degrees of disrepair. A few residents walked away from well-kept properties just last week, while most others took buyouts years ago, leaving dozens of houses to collapse upon themselves. Stray dogs wander. Faded signs announce places that are no longer: the Picher Mining Museum, the Church of the Nazarene, a 24-hour truck stop.

“I had a perfectly good house,” said Vickey Phillips, who moved out of Picher four years ago. “But they said it was full of lead.”

The psychological impact of Picher’s move on Treece has been overwhelming.

“They are in essence one town,” said Senator Sam Brownback, Republican of Kansas, who grew up north of Treece and is pushing for the buyouts. “Yes, there’s a state line that divides them, but that’s a man-made distinction. It is very much one town.”

About 100 miles northeast of Tulsa, Treece is entirely residential, with the only public building being its two-room clapboard City Hall. Most of the population, which has a poverty level more than twice the national average, is feeling increasingly depressed about the isolation and a sense of creeping abandonment.

“There’s nothing here but a City Hall, honestly,” said Regina Palmer, 24.

A 1993 study found that 34 percent of the children tested in Picher had blood lead levelsexceeding the point at which there is a risk of brain or nervous system damage. Government efforts to do something to clean the chat piles began in earnest then. But similar studies have never been done in Treece.

Only now is the E.P.A. testing the air quality and lead levels in residents’ blood. Agency officials arrived in town last week.

“It’s about 10 years too late,” Mayor Blunk said.

Glenda Powell is among those hoping for a buyout. “My father was one of the last miners,” she said. “He died of cancer, and so did my mom — bad lungs. This has always been home, and I don’t know where we’d go, just a place where we can breathe.”

Friday, September 11, 2009

What do you do

When you know you have a health issue that's been negatively affecting your life, you seek out help for it, and the people who make a big huge deal about getting people the help they need, turn you away, treat you like an idiot, and are just plain rude and unproffesional?

Is it so much to ask? I guess it was.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Dentist

I make jokes about being afraid of zombies (the new zombie films with the realistic makeup do freak me out), but I am really afraid of the dentist.

So much so that I hadn't been in over ten years. Not since i fell off my mom's dental plan when I was a teenager. I hated going. I'd brush and floss and floss and brush and use mouth wash and that terribly floride gel treatment. And I would still have new cavities growing right next to where a filling had been put in.

The dentist would chew my ass. Refill the area, with lots of unpleasant drilling and shots and horrible noises. And the whole thing would happen again at my next check up. I became convinced that he was just being mean to me and refilling the same area over and over for the money.

Since then they've found that there are genetic causes to soft enamel and that some people really can't help it. I'm one. Both my parents had full dentures before thirty. I'm 27.

So, it had been a while since I had gone to a dentist. I don't like the smells, or having to lie in that chair, vulnerable to the world. Or letting someone do something painful and uncomfortable to me, with me paying them. Its almost a phobia.

But me teeth have gotten BAD, very very bad. Today I have one just spontaneously break. Like I was walking through my room and a piece of tooth was just there on my tongue. It freaked me out worse then zombies.

So on my break I called my insurance company to see what coverage I had, very little, and then called around for a dentist. And found a dental clinic with a sliding fee scale. They charge the insurance and then my fee is income based. With three kids in the house, I qualify for almost nothing.

I got in today for an emergency filling. (which is funny because I have several big holes) and am going back in a week for a cleaning. And they are going to plan which ones to fix after that. I am excited on the one hand. Worried on the other.

I get very nervous in the dental office. My blood pressure was very high and never came down. I jumped twice today, and they were doing something minor, quick, and simple. I don't know if I can stand anything longer or more invovled. I wonder if I can get someone to prescribe a valume or something, just to calm ne down? I wonder if that's even legal.