Happy happy

Well, its been busy around here. Had five days off, and spent them cleaning my house, catching up with laundry, shopping, cooking and playing with my boys. I DID NOT grade papers, do homework, surf the internet, or blog. So sorry to my readers.

Lets see, spent more on thanksgiving dinner than I wanted to, but I love to cook and don't get much opportunity with my busy life, so I figure it was worth it. Plus I get to eat left over ham, pie, potatoes and noodles all week. So YAY me.

The meal I put on was attended by me, my sons, my brother, his girlfriend, his room mate, and the room mate's girl friend. I know seems like a lot of Tom's circle. But they came on time, they liked the food, they visited nicely and then they left. Also nicely. On of these days I'm going to get all of my peeps under the same roof, just not while mike's in jail.

Oh, Mike, he's still in jail. He wants us to bail him out of Crawford county so he can be released into Wilson county and get started on the six months he owes them. I REALLY don't want to pay off his hot checks. But I can see how its frustrating to sit in jail for less than $200. But I know he jumped bond last time he was in lock up and I have no doubt that I will never see that money again. So I don't think its going to happen. But I feel like a complete louse no the less.

The ass hat showed up for a second visit in three weeks and will have the kids all day today. We'll see how long he keeps this up.

I still have homework I am behind on. Papers and notebooks I haven't graded. Lessons to plan. IT goes on and on.

I have made some descisions for myself of late. One it that I am taking up Yoga. Its something that has always appealed to me for its slow movements, its emphasis on flexability and the fact that all you need is your own body, you can do it in the livingroom.

I have a book that outlines all the poses. I am working through them and trying to master them all, not anywhere close yet. I also have a DVD that gives morning and evening routines. I LOVE the evening one, It streatches me and relaxes me and make me feel so at peace. The morning routine is more challenging, but still approachable. And with the book, I can go to those poses and really master them so that in the flow of the routine I know what to do with my body already. Also, I know that I have good lower body flexibility but terrible balance, so I can work on balance poses. I carry tension across my shoulders and back, so I can find poses that will loosen and relax that part of my body.

The philosophy behind it appeals too. The idea that you must tame and master your physical body in order to reach past that to the spirit. The idea that internal awareness and meditation are good for you is refreshing. The meditation forces me to slow down my thoughts, my breathing, my mental whirlwind, and just BE for a few minutes.

I've done the evening routine every day, and the more challenging morning routine an alternating days, I can already feel changes in my body, in my posture, and in my joints.

I think If I keep up with this, and push through the more challenging bits, I can make myself stronger, more peaceful, and a bit more svelt, although at this point that's secondary to the mental benefits.

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

And I'm the dysfunctional one?

So, had a fun weekend with some members of my mother's family. I clarify that because some people have two sides of a family they are close with. My grampa lives in Holiday Island, which is just next door to Eureka SPrings arkansas, Very cool town if you ever get a chance to visit it. Hippy shops, rabbits that make change, art galaries and scenery that is just magnificent.

But we were there for thanksgiving dinner. My grampa, he's 78, he doesn't get around as well as he used to, (he used to me a farmer and cattleman who worked 16 hour days moving cattle, fixing farm equipment and tromping around on three different farms checking gas wells and fences) but he makes a GREAT THANKSGIVING DINNER. And he care takes for several of their neighbors whose home are only vacation houses and aren't there this time of year. The point is he's and interesting guy, and he invited me and the kids down and was even nice enough to get us a basic hotel room to stay in so we wouldn't be super crowded or feel like we had to rush home again.

We weren't the only ones there. My aunt and uncle were there, and two of their kids. The youngest, Arron is a high school senior and a good kid, although he's a bit on the heavy side and I worry about him. And Autemn who will graduate with her BS of teaching this spring. She got married right out of high school.

this guy she's married too, has less maturity than her brother, the kid still in high school. He's loud, he ignors his kids unless someone tells him to help with them. He insists (in someone else's home no less) on having football games turned on and turned up loud, and then gets loud at them. (we aren't a football watching family, I know some are). He was going to start college when she did as a pre-med student, dropped out the first semester and is working for UPS. He STARTED chewing tobacco after that. (I asked her how she managed to reproduce with him after that. She said she certainly wouldn't have married him).

The thing is, I know that relationships are often different from the inside than they appear from the outside. But I also know that there isn't a cure for stupid. In that family, I am seen as a sad case, a dysfunctional single mother raising three little boys all by myself. I am to be pittied and coddled. My little family will never be as good as the two parent with cute little kids model.

I realize that there are people in the world who think two parents, even if one is an over grown man-child with a maturity level my eleven year old can beat is better than a single parent home. But I am SO ENCREDIBLY GLAD that I don't have to deal with that on a daily basis. I have three children I take care of, why would I want another one? Sex? Another income?

Maybe that's what's wrong with me. I don't get men. Maybe shouting at football games and turning the TV up loud at someone else's home is okay in guy land. Maybe its normal for your inlaws and your wife's cousin to do more caretaking for your kids than you do.

Maybe I am destined to just be single until I come to accept that any man willing to be married also expects to be able to act like a child and not contribute anything other than a paycheck.

Outlets

Did you ever feel like you needed more of a creative outlet and have to face the reality that you just don't have the time to even pursue creativity at the moment? Do you know how suffocating that feeling is? No? Probably because you aren't a single mom/full time employee/graduate student with a commute.

What? That's an insane workload? Really?

Maybe it is. But its the situation I find myself in. And I think that it is the situation I need to be in for the moment. But it takes a toll. Its like I have this metaphysical need to do something more creative than homework, more fun than lesson planning, and more productive than watching TV. I write fiction. You've probably read a little on my other blogs. I don't post everything I write, and I don't finish most of what I start, but its like I have this odd need inside me to just create these stories, these worlds, these people. And then once I've written them down, I am done with them and can get back to work or what ever.

But they take time and attention to put together. And time is something I don't have much of. And my attention seems to be prone to wondering lately. I'm not sure if allowing myself the luxury of a little fiction writing would make that better or worse.

So, in the next two weeks, I will have a grand total of two productive school days. Wednesday this week is an all juniors field trip, that wipes out three classes, not enough kids will be left to bother trying to teach. Thursday and friday is a catholic youth conference in kansas city that most of the kid who participate in youth groups will go to (yay parochial school), so those days are blown. The following monday is another all juniors, this time for history. Tuesday after that is career day in the afternoon. No teaching will occur at the time.

Cats and dogs

I grew up lots of pets. We always had at least two dogs and two to three cats when I was a kid. I would relish the feeling of a warm, soft cat curled up on my bed, usually behind my bent knees as I was curled in my bed. Or watching TV with a cat lounged on my lap or batting at my feet. WE had dogs that would pull us on rollerblades or fetch tennis balls until they fell down exhausted to guard their bright green prey. I even had a dog that like to gather up white things. Socks, toys, rosary bags, anything small and white.

The point is that when I got out on my own, I had pets for a while. And I liked them. But between trying to figure out how to be a real grownup and taking care of my son and going to work and to school, (and between you and me, terrible house keeping skills) I didn't have the time to dedicate to pets that they diserved. SO when I left shane and was once again building a life for myself as an independent person, I avoided pets.

We were too poor, too busy, lived in no pet housing. And all that is true. I leave the house at 6:30 and don't get home until 4:30 or five most nights. That is over ten hours out of the house. A pet shouldn't be shut up that long.

And we do have monetary concerns. Pets need vet care, food, and they tear things up until they are trained. All that costs money.

Pets make messes. Litter boxes smell. Dogs poop and chew. Cats scratch things and shred toilet paper and kleenexes.

But I miss having a pet. I miss having that warm presence that purrs and kneeds. I miss having a floppy, happy tail wagging to meet me and run for a ball and go for walks with me.

I had the chance to pet a cat today. I can't think how long its been since a cat let me just pet it. They tend to be shy of people they do not know, but this one was outside of my babysitter's house and Gideon was petting it while I herded NOah into the car. He was a soft orange tabby with a cool nose, soft fur, and a ready pur.

I miss having pets. Real pets, not aquarium fish or hermit crabs.

Is it selfish of me to want to move to a different home and change jobs so that I can get a pet?

The asshat is still an ass hat

So, He showed up to see the boys. He still can't dress himself and he has his hair bleached a rediculous shade of blond.

He was nice to the boys, and even took gideon with him, which I appreciated, Gideon so badly wants a daddy and shane taught him to call him daddy. Noah didn't know him at all and was sweetly shy.

I didn't tell Isaiah he was coming. I figured there was always a chance he wouldn't show up and didn't want to have him disappointed. Shane knocked on the door and Isaiah answered. And just said hi dad. It was actually a rather cold greeting from him for a while. HE warmed up after a few minutes, but I was surprized.

Shane is also still crude. He had the audacity to ask me if I was dating and why not, and then went on to say I was a beautiful blond with "a nice ass and a nice rack" and that I shoudl get out there.

Uhm, inappropriate much?

busy days and short nights

Its been a hell of a week with a capitol H.

Last week, on Friday, Noah spiked a fever at daycare and I had to leave work to get him, but not before having an uncomfortable conversation with my boss about getting someone to "back me up" because when the kid is sick is the day to have a friend cover me?

Noah had a high fever and was lethargic and not drinking or eating, so to urgent care we went. He had swine flu, fun fun. Tamiflu is wonderful stuff and he was well on the way to feeling better by saturday evening, still didn't go trick or treating.

Tom took Isaiah and Gideon out. They got back late, and Gideon was wound up and tired, the way little kids who are overly stimulated can be. Getting him to bed was a fight and there was a lot of fit throwing involved. That night he woke up crying and had a high fever. Sunday he was listless and uninterested in anything. So I called in for monday too and took Gideon to urgent care. He had swine flu too. He was still running a fever that evening, so we were home Tuesday also. Can I just say that five days cooped up with sick kids is no fun?

Worked Wednesday, felt good, was happy to be back at work, had to get all my kids caught up. Thursday woke up with my eyes matted shut, snot clotting my throat, and a miserable hacking cough. I suffered through the day, trying not to hack at people or to touch anyone or any surface I didn't have to. Left ten minutes early and went to the student clinic.

The verdict was an upper respiratory infection. They didn't think it was swine flu, but rather a secondary infection on top of a virus that I hadn't fought off well. I got eye drops for my eyes and antibiotic pills for the infection. The drops certainly help my eyes, but the pills make my stomach sour, my mouth taste funny, and massive diarrhea. So now I am at home, on a pretty day, feeling yucky as much from the cure as from the illness, which as far as I can tell isn't getting much better.

Shane the ex has been emailing lately. He claims he is going to get a ride to come visit his sons Sunday. I haven't told Isaiah yet, because the man still has about 24 hours to back out. I wish he was involved in his kids. In all honesty, I wish he had been the honorable man I thought he was when I choose him.

Sometimes I think I must be defective somehow. I have some part missing, the part that attracts nice people, and knows how to seek out healthy relationships.

Anyway, in all the mess last week with sick kids and sick me and meds and doctors appointments, Mike got himself kicked out and then arrested. He keeps calling me collect on my cell phone, which won't accept the call, not that I want to pay ten dollars for a five minute phone call. I wish I could help mike, but I can't bail him out and I feel like maybe lock up is the best place for him right now. I also know he's going crazy in there.

I have tons of homework to get done, kids I want to play with, a house I need to clean, a meal i need to cook, papers I need to grade, and I am tired just from being sick.

Lets hope next week is a little better.

Playing catchup

Did you ever have a day where you felt like you were playing catchup? It isn't a fun feeling, but its a productive one. I had one of those days today. Than I remembered something else I had put off.

That's when the whole "I was productive" glow faded.

Oh well, there will be other productive days.

I've actually been home with sick kiddos for the past five days. Noah got sick at daycare friday, a trip to urgent care revealed he had H1N1. So he was home all weekend. Tamiflu is a wonderful thing. Gideon spiked a fever Saturday night, didn't get better sunday, went to urgent care monday, and he is positive for flue also. So now he's on tamiflu too. Yay!

They are better today, and are going to school and daycare tomorrow. I am going to work tommorrow, and am going to have to play some more catchup. But keeping them home and making sure they got better without getting other people sick is important. And the doctor told me to.

I seriously had several great blog topics to cover. but now they are gone. I hate that.

Grr.