Time goes so fast

Especially with a deadline coming up on you. Its probably a good thing the apartment wasn't ready for this weekend, I wouldn't have been ready. Still, that isn't a guarentee that I'll be any more ready next weekend.

ITs not that I am not working on getting things ready, its just that there is only so much that can be done ahed of time. I mean, the kitchen was clean and ready to be packed, but what's the point when you aren't moving for a week. Then there is the fact that I am not having much luck getting boxes. Dollar store didn't save me any, after telling me they would. The grocery store's boxes were all wet a soggy from being rained on. I got a few from the liquor store and from subway of all places. And diaper boxes are beign re-packed.

I have sorted teh kids' clothes so that they all fit into their dressers and so that we don't end up moving junk that is too stained or to small to be worn. I think we are in good shape. I can't find Isaiah's swim suit, which is odd, he wore it on a school trip not too long ago. I remember washing it.

Gideon is more then a little out of sorts over all the stuff being pulled out and boxed up. It seems like the minute I box things, he wants them. So its a fight. I have had to tape boxes shut to keep the kids from digging things out. My clothes were all pretty much packed, except for a couple of pairs of pants and three tee shirts. Instead of unpacking my clothes, I am just recycling what is already out.

I had bought a bunch of tv dinners because they were really cheap and because they are a dishless food to eat, so we have been living off of 88 cent tv meals for the last week. The downside being that it isn't quite enough food for me and I end up pacing anf looking for somethign high carb and sweet to eat. Which there isn't any, but I still crave it. Its my own little diet plan. I have no idea how effective it is. Bu tI do know that I would just about sell my soul, or my first born, for a brownie, or a pan of brownies.

The family reunion thing is tomarrow at grand lake. It is supposed to be a full day. cook out lunch, swimming, pontoon boat in the after noon, and my (gampa's good lady friend) gramma is making a brisket for dinner. My aunt says she'll give me gas money to get home. I hate taking her money, but truth be told, I need it. It's at least a two hour drive out. I'm thinking about what we need to take, the whole durn house comes to mind. I have a feeling that tomarrow may be a bit stressful. How do you nap two little boys when you are out at a lake?

Wish me luck.

Someone was listening

So, got up early ( it is amazing how fast I can get out of the habit of getting up at a certain time, two weeks aga it would have been "got up at the usual time"). Got showered, dressed nicely. Hair actually brushed (half the time it just gets smoothed out enough to ponytail it, and I wonder why I look like a bag lady). Makeup even. Kids up and dressed (they seem to be happier in the morning when I wake them up then when I and they just sleep in) and to the sitter.

Then I drove and drove and drove. I stopped in pittsburg to try and pay my deposite and first months rent and maybe see the place, well, couldn't do that. The guy wasn't in yet and anyway the apartment isn't ready yet. Whatever. By this time I was having stomach cramps from anxiety.

I drove on to joplin and used the map off yahoo to find the school. It was where they said it would be, but for some reason the parking area was on the opposite side from the way the map told me to go, so it was bit of circling before I could figure out where to get out and park and all that.

Here's the good part. The principal was great. He's nice, he's always blowing his nose. HE hired me on the spot. No "well, I gotta run ya by the school board" none of that. Just do I like the salary (lower then public school pay scale, but almost three times what I've been making) and do I think I could handle coming in on the first of august to get the classroom and all that ready. Amazing. Exillarating. Terrifying. I've never been handed exactly what I wanted and had it turn out good.

So, filled out lots of paper work. And drove back to pittsburg. Went ahead and payed the lease and all that, will bemoving a week later then I thought, and then Iwanted. But I figure if I take singing feather's advice and al least get beds set up before have to handle classes, I'll be okay.

Still a little terrified about surviving this summer, money will be tight and I may take a waitressing or attendant care job just to squeeck through, but I think I can handle it if I know what is coming around the corner.

I'm so happy I am litterally wiggling on my seat. Even gideon's grouchy act (I think he didn't nap( isn't getting me down. The only down side. I told my pastor's wife and her reaction was underwhelming and I can't get my dad or my brother's on the phone. I want to brag to someone damit.

Oh well. Must go.

Just a prayer

Okay, so, the packing and the panicing continue. The only thing I can do now is to pray.

Dear wonderous lord, please please please let this all be right for my kids and my self. Please let the gas prices stay down. Please let the stupid (no not stupid, hard working and put upon) finacial aid people figure out a way for me to get to college this summer. Please let me get this job (this really cool wonderful teaching job) that I am interviewing for tommorow. Please let me find a way to pay the rent until school pay checks start rolling in. Please let me not permanetlt scar the kids with my irritibility. Please let me get us packed up in time to move. Please let me be wise with the money I have until more comes in.

And thank you, for my aunt who has a trailer that she will let us use so that I don't have to pay to rent a truck. Thank you for my little brother who will be coming over to help pack and haul. Thank yo for my dad who will be coming to get the boys for a extended visit that just happens to corrispnde to my needing daycare all day everyday this summer and for my step sister coming back with us for a while in late summer. Please, lord, let the gas prices and my money cooperate so that I can drive to tennesse to pick the boys up in july. And to take Molly to the airport in august.

I know I gripe a lot about not liking things. I complain all the time. And I feel lik eI ought to be doing better then I am at the moment. But let me just say thank you so much for all the blessings that have been showered on us over the past year. The home and the job and the friends and the support. Please, let this continue. I know we don't diserve it, but please please please, let all this work.

Amen

Boarding on anxiety attacks

I have been cranky and a bit snappish for days. First I thought it was plain ole PMSing, which certainly could play a role. But then I realized what it was. I'm freaking out about the move.

And in typical (of me) fashion. I am completely brain dead over the stress. I'll start a task, get goosey feeling and go sit down and watch TV. Its like a form of paralysis. I have made some progress. I was in a pacic about the kids' stuff. They have WAAAAAAAAY to many toys to try to pack and move them all. I had been asking Isaiah to go in there and choose what he could live without, but his reaction to the task is about what mine is. Freeze up and pretend the problem doesn't exist. Then I had an idea. Easter eggs.

Kids love easter egg hunts. I do too. So, instead of going there and pickingup everything that isn't broken. It has bee go in there and get all the blocks. Or get all the plastic animals. Or all the trains. Or all the cars. Its still a lot of work. But it makes it easier. And it helps sort the junk. Do you know how much room allthose stupid happy meal toys take up, and no one plays with them. I think once I'm done all that will be left will be too broken to do anything with besides throw away.

Bedding washed. Clothed bagged and separated. Dressers cleaned out and sorted. Books packed up (turns out I have lots of books). Dished cleaned and dried and sorted and put away. So freaking much left to do.

Family . . .

Sometimes they're great, other times they drive me nuts. I went to my cousin's house last night. He daughter had a birthday party. Nothing says fun like a dozen seven year olds, plus my three, a wading pool, a slip-n-slide, and a big bowel of candy. Cake and icecream to follow.

It was nice. It was damp and muggy (as all kansas evenings are this time of year). The kids played in the water until they were dead on their feet and even the dry clothes I had brought for them were wet, The little guys rode home in just diapers. Isaiah sitting on a plastic bag.

I saw my aunt and her husband. Found out about a family reunion next weekend at grand lake. And I think I solved my movers problem. I think the (as yet unconfirmed) plan is to go to the lake saturday, come back that evening and then spend sunday finishing packing. Then peggy and adam will bring their big truck and trailer around and help pile everything on and take the whole works to pittsburg. It'll be a late night, but I think that it is possible.

I talked to (well texted becuase he doesn't have minutes) mike, he says he will try to come down that weekend and give me a hand. So, it would seem that family is a good thing.

Of course, then there is the other side. (there always is, isn't there). The cousin I went to see, well her dad and her brother showed up. They were either lit, or they are such constant users that they always seem a bit off. Well, this cousin, nick, used to deal dope. He overdosed this winter (I guess that could account for him seeming fried) and had to get out of "the bussiness". (cause the police raided his house and his dad's farm while he was out of it).

Ever since then, he has been convinced that my brother, mike, has been stealing from him. Going so far to twice hunt him down, beat him up, and tak ehis money. I think that this is terrible behavoir. I also mightily disapprove of anyone beating on my baby brother (even if he is 23 and six foot tall). So when nick showed up, I just tried to avoid him. It was a public family thing, and I don't keep track of my brother's enough to know for sure weather or not mike was in a position to steal from nick.

But does the burnout get the message? No, he says in front of everyone there that he beat mike up again. What am I supposed to do in that situation. Was he looking for me to offer to pay him back what ever he thinks mike stole? Cause that aint goign to happen. He's lucky mike has warents out and doesn't want to have anything to do with the police, cause I think nick should be in jail. But then I don't have much sympathy for drug dealers who like to beat people up.

And that brings me around to the whol get to gether next week. I think that it would be nice to get my brothers to go. Since mom died, we have been feeling more and more distanced from the family core. Their is a lot of gossip and drama and intertwined stuff that goes on that it seems like people are expected to keep up with. Who is having marriage and money trouble. Who lost a baby.

So, it would be nice for all of us to come next week. But if nick is going to be after mike, then toms is going to feel like jumping in. And that will be trouble with a capitol T.

Whic begs the question, is all this family stuff good or bad?

Whoo-Hoo

Lets see, school let out yesterday at noon. It is so nice to have it all over with. Went and enrolled in college as a graduate student. That part was very scary. But I am still convinced things will be more then okay.

The assistant dean of licesure had told me about a school looking to hire a science teacher. So I gave them a call. I would be working as a teacher and completing the requirments for licensure at the same time. Its allowed under alternative licensure. I have called schools about doing the very same thing in the past. The responce has usually been underwhelming. Not so this time. They were thrilled to hear from me. The principal had at one time lived in Neodesha, He was born in the same town I was (albeit, much much earlier). It was just the weirdest conversation. I am feeling very hopeful about it. I have an interview next week.

I also heard today that we had qualified for an on-campus apartment. They are very nice duplexes and the rent is very reasonable. New applicanes, It'll be great. I'm still a little worried about cash-flow. I think that we may not be turning cable on right away, or internet. But that close to campus, I will be able to get online at a library or computer lab.

Still, so very excited. Also, my arthritus has been getting bad again, I finally went back to the doctor, he gave me a prescription for something that should help, but not make me doopey and not upset my tummy. (Crap, just realized I'll have to break in a new doctor).

Yes, until I say no

So, despite my desire to keep my exodus from here and my plans for the future a secret, word has gotten out. Somehow everyone knows I do not plan to be back. I have only told two people that, and the person who told the other para in my classroom was not one of them. INTERESTING. Not terribly important, but interesting.

the result of all this is that at this point, people who usually don't have much to say want to know my plans for the summer. I, still wanting to play things close to the vest, give ahlf truths. "we may travel, go see dad in Tennesse". I know it may be seen as disshonest. But I have reason.

As much as I enjoy working at the school, it is a very political place. And I am not a player of politics. There are some kids (kids who last names are the same as administrators, doctors and big wigs at the plant) who get away with murder. And there are kids who are always in ISS (who are no more fractous then the ones who get away with it). It makes me nervous. The teachers who like to sit in the hall and gossip and whisper about my boss (who granted, has disciplene issues) make me nervous. The others paras who talk big, but leave things to their supervising teacher, or to me, make me nervous. Are all schools like this, or only small, one employer town, schools?

I DO know that I don't want my sons getting away with things because the people who do the disciplening work with their mom. I think I would rather have to commute then have that particulr ethical issue come up. Maybe I am not trusting enough.

I also know that I ended up having to do allthe leg work for an end of year special ed party, that I thought had been planned. And then once the leg work is done, two other people swoop in and change things. (If you wanted it that way, you could have said so, or done it yourself). One was also oh so self rightous when she told me that harry potter and the lord of the rings movies were not appropriat for school (we are talking kids 13 and over here) What could possibly be inappropriat about good versus evil and a fight for the future of the world.

Oh well, it is almost over. I plan on taking isaiah over to pittsburg with me after school lets out at noon. I hope that if he helps with the house hunting, he will feel better about the move.

Speaking of which, got some god money yesterday. Remember that TV I was bitching about. The one that wouldn't work with any remote, rendering it rather inconvenient. Well, the warrenty people, rather then fixing it, sent me a check for $250.00. Its not a lot, but hey, every little bit counts. That and my last two paychecks and the stimulus money ought to make this possible.

The proffersor in charge of teacher licesing has also pointed me towards a teachign job. It isn't anywhere close to a done deal, but with that kind of influence behind the recommendation, it can't hurt, right? Its for science at a Catholic shcool. I'm not catholic, but I'm baptist. I think it isn't a requirment.

One can always hope.

Bunk

Okay, I admit it, we watch what is probably way too much tv. This weekend the indiana jones movies were on (again), to promote the new one, which is about "crystal skulls". Well, I was reading a book and the kids were in another room and I didn't notice when a new show came on. a "documentary" about the wonders of crystal skulls. they have crack-pots on who talk like they know things. Apparently, there is no way a skull was carved out of quartz. Apparently they found one on the moon and there is a face carved into a mountain on mars. Aliens, it all comes back to aliens. Or maybe to atlantis. Or perhapse it is both.

Now, I know I watch scifi movies and shows that are full of alien conspiracies and fantastical stories. BUT THEY ARE FICTION. Why is it that people insist that these things are real? The mayan calender ends in 2012, so the world must end then too. Maybe that was all the firther ahead their math skills coudl take them at the time. Maybe if smallpox and conqistadors hadn't killed them off, the calender would have been calculated out to 3012, or 6012.

Sorry, these are unimportatn things. But I hate it when absolute bunk and superstition is passed off as legitimate science. When people who don't even know how clueless they are are paraded around to entertain the masses. And then you have people who think that crystals and yogurt will heal anythign and don't want to vaccinate their children.

Sorry, rotten stressfull mood today. Its hot out and I am trying very hard to reisist the urge to run out and buy a milkshake. The shwans guy comes tomarrow, I"ll get some goodies from him. I am one the one hand sure that I need to move, and on the other, I don't trust my ability to secure a place, pay the rent and get daycare taken care of. I know, I am nothing if not repetitive.

Sweet day

It was a really nice day. I got the kids around and took them over to the zoo in independence today. It isn't much of a zoo. More like a large park where a few animals happen to live. Then have monkeys, an old broke-back donkey, a pair of macaws, a few different owls, two bears, assorted ducks, geese, and swans. There used to be a mountain lion and an elephant, but the zoo is free and runs off of the city, so I think the quality of what they can do is not the same as a city zoo in a bigger place. But, its free to go.

The kids loved it. Even Noah was out of the stroller and running around from place to place, trying his best to keep up with his big brothers. We made friends with a peacock. And I had to rescue gideon from climbing over a fence into a duck pound enclosure. Noah has a heart to heart with a canada goose through a fence.

They als played on the playground. The park has a castle and stone hippos and a lion water fountain, a play house made of real brick. An indian village with a wooden fort and metal teepees. Not very PC now, but they were cool back in the day and have been maintained. No one complains, so they get to stay.

We played until noah looked like he was dead on his feet and gideon woudl only say "no" to all things. The little guys were sleeping before we got home.

In other areas. I am still anxous about moving, but I think that things will work out. I almost asked mike if he wanted to go in as room mates today, but didn't.

Isaiah has taken to making silly movies with his camera. I may post one, but you have to bear in mind that it is the work of a nine year old and his buddies.

Gideon wore big boy pants at home today and managed to take a short (unplanned) nap in them and stay dry. Maybe someday, he will be potty trained. I sure hope so.

all in all. It was one of those days that you wish would last forever. Or could be repeated. But the rarness of these kinds of days is what makes them so sweet.

I need a shower, or a bath. I think I am off to go take one.

Yes, we have been "stimulated"

It arrived in the bank today. Not a huge amount of money, but enough to make a difference. I will be so glad when work is over. I will be so glad when I have the logistics of moving over there figured out. Right now, its like this litany hanging over my head

housing
daycare
preschool
big kid stuff for isaiah (cause he is too big for preschool/daycare and too young to stay alone)
What the hell is all this going to cast me and can I swing it
When do I get started.

Three more work days left. The special ed coop reclaimed all the assistive technology stuff, even though our students are still in class and still need to have something to do. I mean rayll, whats the freaking point of having a last day if we just stop doing any work a week before that date? I was upset about it, now I'm like, who cares. Wont be here next year. Not paid enough to make it my problem.

Noah has diaper rash for the fist time is forever and gideon had a wardrobe malfunction at daycare and ended up with poo running down his leg and all over his shoe. I really wish he would potty train.

Isaiah is out playing with a friend of his. I think this friend will be very missed when we move. Makes me feel uber guilty. But with gas what it is, and where it is going, I can't imagine trying to commute that far.

So, daycare/preschool. hopefully in the same building. Enrolling Isaiah in some sort of day camp for big kids. A house. Getting my crap moved. having enough cash to get through the summer with rent and utilities paid. (No don't send money, this is me ranting). I think it is all okay one minute and then the next I am panicking thinking I have made a huge error in jugdment.

It will all be okay it will all be okay (clicks ruby slippers three times) It will all be okay.

Thank god its friday and I don't have anythign more pressing then a little housework to worry about.

Costly day

So, I was miserable yesterday with this cold thing I have had. I was horse all day and everyone had some smartass comment about how I sound. The funny thing is that aside from being horse and a little sore in the throat and chest, I didn't feel that bad. Last night was worse and this morning was really bad. So I called in, with plans of dropping the kids off at school, daycare and the babysitter, and then coming home to nap.

Well, the first expensive thing was odviously not going to work. Then there is the $150 ticket I got because Isaiah wasn't buckled up in the car. And of course, every kid who knew me or Isaiah had to walk or drive past while I was stopped with the car with the flashing lights behind me.

Then, with the ticket in my purse, I was like screw it. I drove back to pittsburg. Dropped off some documents that the school needs fro enrollment and finacial aid. Talked to some rental agents and visited my little brother.

He looks good. I got to see my neice, lexi too. She looks good too. I guess her mom has gone completely nutso. Mike says she has three boyfriends, plus one in jail. She will dropp lexi off with mike and tellhim he has to keep her over night, or for two nights. Meanwhile, mike is crashing with these guys who really would rather he find another place. They sit up all night drinking and partying and it really isn't a place for a little kid.

Mike seems to be getting him life together. He has been employed for most of the past year. But he still has court stuff hanging over his head. He pays a lot of money out to Sherry for "child support" and to the people who he crashes with for "rent" or whatever they say he owes them for.

I really feel for him. The resquer in me wants to get a place with four bedrooms and tell him that he can move in as long as he gives me $200 a month and keeps the booze, drugs and hos away. But the thinker in me says that this would be a terrible idea. I would end up with him and his looser friends around all the time. Or watchign lexi while both her parents were out on the town. I would end up paying all the rent in a palce I couldn't afford. With the added headach of worrying about him and all that mess.

So, anyway. I am supposed to get my stimulus check direct deposited on friday. But the funds aren't showing up yet, and they usually do a few days ahead of actual deposite. So, I am now thinking that maybe I didn't qualify for a check. Turns out you had to actually owe taxes to be stimulated. I never end up owing income taxes because I always have qualified for the earned income credit.

I guess porr single parents don't spend enough in the economy to give them a little extra boost. Sometimes I really hate republicans. I try to stay out of the political fray. It seems like its half a dozen of one versus six of another. Anyhow, its not like it was money I had earned.

Freaking out a little

Okay, I know I tend to get on a subject and then procede To torture myself with it. But I am seriously freaking out. Its this whole going back to real life college and moving thing.

Its all I think about. I panic about being able to afford it. Then I remember how generous student aid is for graduate students. Then I worry about being able to repay the loans. Then I tell myself that it will still be better then what I am doing now. Then I worry about finding a place that the kids can play. Do I get a house with a little yard or do I play it safe with a high effeciency, and cramped, apartment. Middle of the town, or out in the boonies.

I get over all that and then its. Getting the kids medical reacords transfered, Getting IEPs moved to the other school system. What about child care? What about what about what about.

Do I do this to myself on purpose. Creat crisis after crisis?

I talked to one of my brother's today. He is the one who has been living in pittsburg since his wife moved there. Of course, she has three boyfriends and I don't even want to think about what Lexi has been exposed to. What creeps her mother lets around her. The really sad thing, I don't want to use moving there to get me any closer to the situation. I don't want to know. I don't want to babysit. I don't want to be stuck in the middle of that mess. I am a coward and a selfiish ass.

Anyway. Mike seems to be doing well. He has a REAL LIFE JOB. He works fro SKILL. The company runs group homes fro developmentally dissabled adults. As he puts it, he watched TV all day and occasionally changes a diaper. Once you get over it, adult diapers are about the same as baby diapers. (Years as a nurse aid, we developed a saying, you weren't one until you could wipe an ass with one hand and eat a sandwich with another).

I asked him if he'd be up to helping me move, he said yes. He said he knows some other guys up there who would probably help me and not rip me off. I'll bet that if I threw in pizza of a few dollars fro gas (although that is getting rapidly more expensive a proposition) that they would be okay.

Soo, On the one hand things are falling into place. I Have all sorts of leads on rental places, both apartments and houses. I have one of two needed letters of reference. I have submitted a writing sample and I even know what classes I will take this summer. I even called and dropped the Benedictine class. I was hesitant to do that. I have never dropped a class before. But I already know that I wont be continueing that line of study, it seems a waste of time and money to keep at it now. Still. Freaking out and I Am trying so hard to remain calm.

Then there is the packing. I hate packing. And cleaning. And prioritizing what is worth moving and what needs purged.

Argh. I have such a habit of stepping in it up to my knees. Pray for me.

Mother's Day Stuff

Okay, I know that there are people who have built mother's day into this big huge thing. They get together with their mother's an grandmother's and have a whole day.

I don't have a mom anymore, and I don't have a gramma either. I don't have a significant other to make sure the kids "get" me something nice. So, I don't make a big deal of mother's day in my head. I treated myself to a new pair of shoes that will arrive in a week or two. We went to church and then to lunch afterwards.

I am not whining, but just saying, I have great kids, I know they are such blessings that I don't need another day set aside to remind me of that. I read a blog where women write in and mostly whine about how life sucks, which it does sometimes, lately its been all about how terrible mother's day was. I think we make too big a deal out of all these made up holidays. Not every minor holiday needs to be a huge production.

There were some bad storms that went through the area yesterday, all we got was a rain storm, but east and south of us there were tornados. One was at least an EF-4 and had a track that was ninety miles long. This is huge, most torandos just fade away after a few minutes. This one killed 20 people and a town. Thats right, a whole town.

It was dying anyway. SO polluted that the creek ran orange. IT was set to be bought out, but there were a few people who wanted to stay. The tornado tore up the residential area. Its gone and itsn't going to be rebuilt.

I guess my point is that while some of us may haven't got what we wanted for mother's day, but we are so blessed. There are people not far from here who lost everything. Those that didn't loose their homes are without power on what has been the two coldest may nights anyone can remember.

CRAP!

Sometimes shit just starts happening too fast. I has another surprise day off today. My students didn't show up. I am a bit adversly inclined to doing other peoples' inventory. So, I went home.

Except I didn't go home. I went to Pittsburg again. I turned in all the housing paperwork I had picked up last time. I paid off a bit of money I owed from a few years ago.

And I visited with the dean of teacher education. She encouraged me to start this summer. As in MAY!

And all off a sudden this thing I have been contemplating and flirting with for months is so close. And then its like, how do I move! I Don't have a load of local friends to haul my stuff and I can't seem to get ahold of my worthless siblings lately.

I really think that this is the right thing to do. I never wanted to settle here permanetly. Its just been cowardise and circumstance that has kept me here for so long. The people I mived here to be near have left and the people I thought I could trust have proven to be unworthy.

So, I think we're moving. I'm gonna be a gorilla again. Isaiah is a bit upset about the whole thing. But I think that he will make friends fairly easily. And who knows, maybe I'll end up teaching here when I'm done.

Still, dad won't be happy. He figures that if I move, I need to go to tennessee. It would be nice if someone was just rooting for me. Not rooting for me to make the choice they wanted to make. Not rooting for me to conform to their ideals of what a mother and woman and christian should be. Just rooting for me.

Ah well. The truth of the matter is that I have been alone since mom died. And even before then it wasn't like there was a lot of support and guidance there. WE'll be okay. I know we will.

Is anybody out there?

Two blogs I read have been unchanged for a disturbign amount of time, and it seems no one is coming here. The warm weather must have convinced them that they have better things they could be doing. Still. Makes me sad. Turns out, I do care is people read.

I must go out and get all angsty and interesting again. Or not. Borring is borring, but also a sign of stability. Must take it as a good thing.

Truth be told, I like being borring. I have a student at work who likes to tease me about being borring and unfullfilled. If you knew this kid, you'd laugh. He is very intelligent and likes to talk and banter with adults more then other kids.

Anyway, I know that to a kid or even to another adult, my life of work, kids and church probably looks terribly dull. But it isn't. I gripe about work, but I think that is about the only thing I would change. And that is mostly a matter of needing to be able to earn more then I currently can.

Its exciting and a bit of an adventure, these three kids of mine. I think we will probably be movign to pitsburg. It will be a bit scary at first. But I really don't have any family holding me here now. The people I do have here are nice, butI can't trust them, not after the SRS fiasco (the case went dormant today, means they think I have my shit together and that they have better things to do then hassle me).

So, I am okay with be a borring, frumpy, oveweight sinlge mom. I Think now and then that it would be really nice to not be single, but I think I like being in charge to much to really be a good wife or even girlfriend. I don't think I could ever shut that off. The always being on duty. Its hard to explain.

I know that when I was first on my own, the scariest part was being the one who shut all the lights off when it was time to go to bed. Being the one who sat up all night making sure that the storms or whatever wasn't going to get us. The night watches, they were the worst. Now I can't imagine not beign that person. Now, I can't stand to go to bed or to sleep with someone else up and around in the home.

I think we all caught the yucks

Even the damn television is acting up!

I have felt overly tired and thick-brained for a week now. Its hard to explain, but basically it feels like I've been drugged, only I know I haven't. My fingers are sore again and so are my feet, which all adds up to a cranky mama.

Noah and Gideon both seem to have a touch of diarhea and now Isaiah says he does too.

The tv. Okay, so it stopped responding to the remote control a few months ago. I called the warrenty people, who promised to have a technicial call to arraonge to come look at it. Never happend. Have made several follow up calls, with the same empty promises being made. They even went so far as to tell me the number of the repair guy, who I guess is an independant contractor in the area. He never even answers his phone.

Well, I have learned that aside from not being able to watch dvds (because I can't manually change it to an input channel) not have the reomt isn't that bad. I can check the enternet to see whats on, and really, we watch pretty much the same shows all the time. Well, now it has a new symptom. When the volume button is pressed just the wrong way, the channel changes. Terribly fristrating when I am already not feeling well.

So, I called the warrenty service people again and had a nice cathargic, bitchy rant at them.

I have also found a new favorite snack. I used to be a popcorn person. ITs light and crunchy and not very greasey. But, the little peices of kernal stick in my teeth. So, I have been looing for a new snack. I have found it in little rice cakes. The rice is basically flavorless, so they come flavored in everything from ranch to caramel. And they aren't very expensive.

One of my long time enternet friends has gone silent, and I am a bit worried.

A step in the right direction . . . or At Least a Step After Months and Years of Paralysis

Today started well. I showered last night so I didn't have the whole hygene thing to deal with this morning. The kids all got dressed without giveing me any problems. Isaiah even got his own sack lunch together for a field trip. We actually left the house on time. The baby and the little brother were dropped off without incident. Isaiah was in time for school breakfast.

I tell you all this to demonstrate that I had every intention of going to work today. But my students did not show up. I am paid to work with two specific students. Wednesday they were not here either. That time it was arranged by my boss, Mr R. He felt that since they did well on their alternative state assessments (of course the tests were specifically designed to be passed by these two students) they shoudl get a day off like the rest of the kids who scored "outstanding" on their assessments.

Yay! the reres get a day off too. except it turns out that MrR would like me to spend the day doing inventory (which we had already doen twice) and packing up Tri-county property (NOt standard operating procedure, just because) and oh, while you are at it, PAck up my property too.

Thats right. HIs own personal property. No, as a general rule, Paras do not pack teachers' stuff for them. We don't walk dogs, take dictation, or run personal errands. WE are paid to work with special needs children. CHILDREN. NOT A PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

Anyhow, I grinned, did the work, much to my back's dismay. So, today when the same situation arose, I pointed out that I am paid to work with kids. With no kids to work with, I should probably leave. And I did.

With most of the day ahead of me. Sunny, warm. Full of potential. I did something astounding. I drove over to pittsburg. I looked into housing options. I talked up a few potential employers and made contact with one housing unit. In other words. I made a first step towards moving out of this tiny town.

Dad's visit made me ralize how little we really had here. But if I moved to tennessee now, I would be goign out there blind. I would have truly marketable skills. I wouldn't know the lay of the land. I would still just be moving blindly to be near people, who though I love them, have abused and abandoned me. Have made me feel worthless and taken me for granted.

But it also helped clarify and crystalize what I need to be willing to do for me and the boys. I need to be willing to try for more then just getting by. I need to be willing to reach. TO leave this place that has been a nursery of sorts. I want to teach. The program I am in now is great, for people who are already working in public health. It isn't so great for someone trying to enter the field with no real experience.

And working with kids for these past months has been so fun. I mean it. They are great. Right on the verge of deciding who they will be in their lives. So many are in such bad places. Most of the teachers come from such perfect backgrounds and live such, safe, soft conventional lives, the students can't relate.

I'm not saying I am all that great, but I think there is room for someone like me in educating young adults. I am in many ways, the antithesis of all things high school. I hate cheerleading and all it stands for. I think that there are too many sports programs and too few outreach programs for kids in risky situations. I think that instead of ignoring the banter that may include references to sex, bullying, gossip and truly desperate situations at home. Why is it that no one makes a safe place for them where they don't have to be normal? Why is that not a social club? Why does a society that knows the damage that dark secrets breed allow them to fester?

I dunno. I know I have been offered entrance into a masters program. IT will get me a master's degree and make me a treacher of at least science. I know that it is designed for working people, nights, summers, weekends. But I can't see commuting to pitt after working all day here. I can't see finding someone here willing to come watch the kids.

But pitt is full of college kids who probably wouldn't mind spending two of three hours watching some nice kids. In a house with cable, enternet and plenty of DVDs. Pitt has schools that need subs. They also have a special ed coop like the one I work for here. There are grocery stores, a small mall, churches, apartment complexes. Just more. Its bigger and faster. The college of education actually will examine little kids, like gideon, for free.

I think this could be a good thing. But it scares me too. I've said before and I'll say again. I hate change. But my mother was paralyzed by the same fear that now holds me in place. She choose to stay where she was. She was near relatives, who weren't all that helpful as it all played out. WE had the same schools, that sucked. And she was miserable. I think I will make a different choice.