Blogging From the Kindle Fire HD

I don't know where  found one, but he found a blue tooth keyboard the syncs with it. The keyboard is nice, makes the whole experience very similar to using a laptop. I can set the kindle on the table and use the keyboard in my lap . It is pretty nifty.
Christmas was great. I was spoiled, Christtopher absolutely spoiled me, much more thanI did him.

I am enjoying the break from school. Its nice to be ale to relax. Gideon is asking whenit will be a school day again, so maybe he misses the structure. It is nice that he liks school, last year he was counnting the days until summer break. He's been on the meds for ADHD for severl weeks, and I think it has made a hug difference in his attitude and enjoyment of school. His reading skills are also improving rapidly. I guess that means he genuinely had and issue with attention.

On theone hand, I'm a little mad at myself that I waited so long, but on theother hand I think that all cases of medicating children should be so conservative. We would have fewer kids on pointless medication. Even as his school behavior has gotten better, his weekend and off meds behavior is still abnormal. He has trouble communicating. Its not that his words are not understandable, its that he has trouble organizing his messages, then he gets upset when he isn't understood. We are working on helping him to slow down, calm down, and try to say it again.

Even as Gideon calms down and mellows out, Noah has turned into mr hyperactive. I don't know if it is that Gideon is mellower by comparason so Noah seems hyper or if this is really new. He is making progress at school and doing well with friends, so I plan to wait and watch and hope that its normal.

that's about all I have for now.

Evil Days

They say that things are not getting worse. That the frequency of these large scale attacks is constant. I want to believe that. I want to think that the growth of media and social networking means that people get the news of these terrible things gets to us faster and stays with us longer.

I'd like to believe it, but I don't really. And I have no solutions. I don't think stopping people who want guns from owning them will stop crazy people from wanting to hurt the innocent. I don't think that arming every civilian will make it less likely that innocent kids are hurt in places that should be safe for them.

I do think that all public rooms in public buildings, including schools, should have multiple entrances and exits. If you can't corner people in a dead end, you can't shoot them like fish in a barrel. Yes, someone could simply wait outside for them, but in most of these cases, it is one guy acting alone. He can't both stalk the halls shooting anyone he finds and wait outside for the people fleeing. Mobile targets are hard to hit.

I think this country seems to think that more weapons will make us safer. I don't think that. I think that if I have weapons in my home, I become a target of theives and people who want them. If I carry them with me in public, I immediatley cause the people around me to be wary of what I might do. By introducing the weapon, and the violent act it threatens, I have turned a peaceful area into an area in which violence is a risk.

I don't think nonlethal weapons are any better. I think that since tasers and pepper spray became common for police officers to use, the police have used weapons on civilians way more often than they had before. These things were supposed to be alternatives to using a gun, instead they are alternatives to engaging with the uncooperative suspect.

I've been under treatment for my arthritis since september. The joints mostly feel lots better. The first medication I was on made my brain feel like mush so I requested it be changed. This new one doesn't seem to have that affect. But my joints are more tender than they were. Is it the new medicine not working as well? Is it stress causing me to experience a flair? I can't answer that.

I do know that I do not want to end up crippled, but that somedays it seems like that is where things are going. I try to stay healthy and active, but it seems like my brain rebels against that and tells me to go eat junk food and not to be active.

I miss my mom. Its Christmas and I am so happy to have Chris with me and the kids, but I miss my mom and I wish my dad cared enough to bother to just come see us. I wish things were just easier sometimes. And then evil shit like this happens and I just feel like there is this black hole of not caring about anything wanting to suck me in. I want to care about things. I don't want to sit still for hours on end and read these news stories that make me cry. But I feel like I just can't help it.

Page Views

So Google has added the option to look at how many page views I get and from where, and it looks like Russia or someone in Russia likes to read my blog.

I don't mind, but it is interesting to me.

Anyway, on to my own self involved ramblings.

Work royally sucks here lately.

They've started these "retraining" programs for writing IEPs. Which I don't mind in theory. The fed and state have changed rules and tightened things up so I understand that part.

I feel like everything I war originally told to do wasn't right somehow. I wish that in 2010, when I was hired, instead of a quick three day tutorial, I had gotten like three weeks, complete with examples from kids who attend my school, or even from my own caseload. I wish that what sort of assessments were acceptable were named and provided.

But that didn't happen and I remember feeling like I was winging it then. But everyone told me I was doing fine, everything was satisfactory  I was supposed to be paired with a mentor, but she didn't know about it until the end of the year, and she spend half the year on maternity leave, and I feel like there wasn't much, "here is what I want it to look like" happening, which is what I honestly needed.

Anyway, no I am "retraining" and I am TRYING to get them rewritten, meet with parents to get consent to change, and get things turned back in. I found out about this on the first week of November. I have all but one rewritten. I have one signed and turned in. I have two more that are with parents and needing to be returned (these people will not come in and meet with me or even answer the phone, they will see my number and then have their kid ask why I called), another one is ready and I am meeting with the parents next week.

The last one is giving me trouble. I feel like the kid is ready to not be on an IEP, he still has some reading difficulties, but IEPs are not for difficulties, they are to make it so that the child has the same access to the curriculum as non disabled children. This child has that.

But his mom doesn't want him dismissed, and we cannot do that without consent. So in September when I wrote the IEP, I asked for help. (admittedly, I was mixed up on another aspect but more on that later). The lady who is in charge of IEP writing training gave me a goal to use, she read it to me word for word over the phone.

Now she says she did not and is being very passive aggressive and rude about me asking for help. On the one hand, I am supposed to be sending emails updating what I am doing, but when I did, there was never any reply or response. So I stopped, and then I get a bitch o gram about not doing anything in a timely manner.

I'm supposed to allow her, my area administrator, and a teacher who has been here for years proof things. Well, the area admin hasn't proofed anything, the training lady takes several days to get back with me, if at all, and the teacher who was supposed to be proofing for me, had no idea she was supposed to be doing that.

And some of it is honestly a problem. I am not great at future planning. I am also not great at tracking down the paperwork if meetings don't go as planned. I have social anxieties that make me want to avoid calling parents. I don't organize well and I think I have attention problems.

But some of it is that I was not clearly trained. Take state assessments. Two years ago we could use them as baselines for writing goals. Then in the middle of last year, State Assessments were off limits. I was told that since the can only be given once in high school, they shouldn't be used to indicate skill level.

Then, this year, they are supposed to be used, BUT, they can't be the baseline, that has to be some sort of official assessment. Of course, there are no high school level skills assessments out there. And of course, the school building has no official set of tests that they use to assess and track progress. That's on us to go find.

There is one called the easycbm that is free and online that I've started using, but its not the greatest, and it only goes to grade 8, so if a kid maxes out on it, I can't say they are at grade level for sure.

Then there's my classes. Things are winding down and coming due. And I have no time or focus to apply to them because its all spent at school. I know it sounds lame, but I feel like I just don't have it in me to do it all. I was supposed to plan next week's lessons at the pre-school, was to meet with the paras friday, but friday I got emailed a shit storm and ended up trying to call the person who emailed me, she wasn't available, my area admin wasn't available. I ended up on the phone with the freaking director, who really isn't in on any of this. He acknowledged that he didn't know what specifically I was emailed, then went on to imply that I was the one being unprofessional in asking for clarification on these things. I ended up crying.

So here it is, Sunday. I'm still mortified for missing the meeting with the preschool ladies. Mortified from the phone call. Feel about two inches tall. I feel like shit is raining down from all sides and all sides are implying that I am just being stupid, incompetent, and lazy.

If a student won't stay after school or work during school, and her parents aren't enforcing it, why should I be staying until five every day to work with her, then be phoning her parents when she doesn't show?

I am all for encouraging kids, being available for the kids and going to the teachers and going to bat for the kids. I am not really willing to say its my fault that she is failing. Its her problem.

After that horrible Friday, I've decided some things.

1) I will continue to do my best to improve my performance, I see it as building skills for the next step.
2) I will no longer neglect my students to serve the paperwork. If they aren't happy with the timeline, they can come do my job for me.
3) I will apply for different positions, hopefully looking to move back to general education teaching.
4) I almost certainly will not work for them next year.
5) I am going to take an incomplete on at least one college class and finish it next semester.
6) I will not be taking a class next semester. That way I will not be liable for the "forgivable loan" to the coop when I choose not to work for them next year.

I want to do my job well. I feel like I am being punished for a structural weakness in the system. If no one is willing to talk about changing the system, then I am not willing to continue treading water in it.

Choices Other Mothers Make

I tend to consider myself a good mom. I like to think I have always had a good balance between being overly protective and leaving them to fend for themselves. I think that I have done a good job of raising my boys to be smart, independent, careful, smart, thoughtful, and smart asses. (Yes, I think being a bit of a smart ass is a sign of a well balanced human being)

At times the choices I made were not the choices I wanted to make. For example, when we all lived in Neodesha, Noah got into a day care cent but Gideon did not, so he attended a home day care. I wanted them both in the day care center. The teachers were actual early childhood teachers, and there was a lot of in and out with visiting teachers and parents dropping in and picking up kids. Gideon stayed with the wife of the pastor of out church.

At teh daycare center, if something wasn't going well, they had policies in place to discipline the child. At Elain's house, when Gideon wouldn't stop jumping on the couch in the room where he had to stay, he was spanked so hard that his bottom was literally black when I bathed him that evening. I should have called the police right then and there. I regret to this day that I didn't.

But, either in a child care center, or in a home day care, I wanted my children babysat during the day. I worked and wanted to continue working. Its the same with other things.  I put my kids in disposable diapers.  The choice was made not just for my own convinince, but because after looking at the reusable diapers and "diaper systems" out there, I figured that between purchasing the diapers and liners, and constantly running the laundry, and having to make sure we had lots of extra materials on hand, it wasn't any less expensive or wasteful. I think the landfill factor may have been better with reusable diapers, but the time and resources out into cleaning them would have off set that.

I bring all this up, because for a long time I was the only mama in my generation. There was my cousin, Opal, but her life and mine were so divergent that comparasons were not apparent. And her basic parenting choices were always similar. Daycare, the best you can get, but still daycare, disposable diapers, public schools.

Now I have two other cousins who are moms and another who will have a baby in the spring time. My cousin, Autem, married and started her family right out of high school. She is now a Math teacher. Her kids were in daycares from the time they were babies. When the family lived in Pittsburg, the kids were in a large child care facility there. Now the family lives in Altamont and the kids attend the daycare her mother runs part of the time and another daycare part of the time.

Her sister, Amber, is a different story. Amber had twins almost two years ago. Even though she has always worked jobs, in her mother's daycare, and in jobs, and even though she has a Master's degree, she only works PRN, which means she is less than part time and takes very few shifts. Her children have only been babysat by one of their grandmothers or aunt. The kids do not use normal diapers and she makes a big deal about her or her kids being on facebook.

For some reason, I take all this kinda personally. Its like they are equating good parenting with this and for some reason, if she is a good parent, then I must be a bad one. No one has said this, its all in my own head. I know that one person can make different choices than another and not be a bad parent.

Then there's the cousin having the baby. She just found out that the baby is a girl and has already stated that private school as a must. This particular woman was wild as a tween, teen, and really up until the moment she got pregnant. She has always had her mother and step father bail her out of any situation she was in and has never had to even pay her own bills, if she runs short, her mom takes care of it.

I know part of her statement is a joke, but part of it is also a response to the fact that she was not an ideal child. But she dosen't seem to see (and neither does her mother) that her wildness was not because she was a girl, it was because she never faced any real concequences or had any real boundaries. I know the pattern is going to repeat because my aunt is still bailing out all her kids and running around making sure they have cars, houses, jobs, and comfort. The grandkids already in that particular family are all one kind of spoiled or another.

The cousin, Opal, who's choices used to be similar, is now way off. She puts her kids to bed at 7:00 and wonders why they gripe, except for the youngest, who is autistic. She has decided that she doesn't want to deal with his fits so she just lets him do what he wants. The 7 and 12 year olds are told to lay the fuck down and go to sleep, but the 4 year old wanders around, gets a snack, watches cartoons and snuggles in mom's bed until he falls asleep. Aside from potty training, he really has no boundaries. And no one sees that this is completely ass backwards because the whole family is about talking about follow through and responsibility, but not about training their kids for it..

I know I'm coming off as judgmental and that this is all hard to follow. But I also know I can't express it to my aunts and cousins without causing hurt feelings and rifts. If the one branch wants to overly shelter those twins, that's their business. At the same time, they hand toddlers a phone and say go take pictures. Then one toddler is fighting over the phone with another. No one thinks, hmm, toddlers are not good for phones and phones like the nice new top of the line samsungs are not for toddlers. The other branch wants to blame public schools for the adult kids' inability to act sensibly and sanely. Meanwhile the new generation is being spoiled.

Myabe its because my mom is gone. My kids have no gramma or local grampa who will do the kids of things I see my aunts and uncles doing for my cousin's children. Or do for me what they've done for my cousins for that matter. No one has ever paid my bills, given me a car when mine died, or bought a house at auction for me to live in rent free. No one has ever covered for me when my own mental health made me a bad parent. And no one really ever will.

So when I look at how cool my kids are and then look at the totality of my choices, I know I did my best and I did it on my own. I need to be able to be proud of that without feeling threatened by the choices others have made.

In the meantime, its Thanks Giving Break, its beautiful outside, Chis is fixing bikes with the boys and all is right in my world.

Every. Single. One!

I am seriously doubting my abilities to do much of anything right now. I had a cruddy day at work to start with . kids not wanting to do what they were asked, tests over due and no end in sight and no give on the part of the general education teachers who administered them. Computer network in the building is crap. In a lab with 24 computers, so many were either not functioning or not connecting to the district servers that I had to take a small group to another building. And then I find out that the system administrator has taked it upon himself to change a student's password because he doesn't like her using the same passwork as a network log-in and an email log-in. Except this student has intellectual disabilities and it was hard enough getting her to memorize one passwor, let alone two. Not to mention how disruptive to learning it is if she can't get to her email to see the assigment that was emailed to her.

Yeah, waste of a class period, that mess.

Then there's the kid who destroys pencils for no reason, who rips and wads and throws papers, who scribbles things in large looping scawls over his page, not because that's all he can do, but because that is all he WILL do. And then, once he has the attention of his comfused classmates (Dude, what is your problem?!) He acts aggressively and plays the victim oc bullying. (yeah buddy, act like a loud jackass and people are going to notice and comment).

So I haul his ass to the office after telling him repeatedly to quit throwing things. And on my way back upstairs I am met by not one, but two administrators with a laundry list of shit I need to fix.

Basically every single thing I've tried to do this year is fucking wrong. My student histories are wrong, my reports are wrong, my goals are wrong, my data collection is wrong. My ammendments are fucking wrong.

I think if I can't make it better, I'm going to be fired. I have a family to support and student loans to pay. Not to mentio car payment, rent, food, clothing . . . . I do it all and I do it mostly without help.

And this supposedly simple thing, I am apparently incompetent at.

So they leave and I get started on my list of shit to fix. And the student I pull up, I can't find anything to fix! The times on the teacher information page and in the text of the document are the same! The designation of resource versus inclusion are the same! The supposed extra text that was in there that needed deleted wasn't there to be found!

What the fuck!

Oh, and then there is the fact that an hourly worker in the office is claiming that nothing I send in is organized! What the MOTHER FUCKING HELL!!!! You can't go through a stack of papers and see oh this is a ten day notice letter? It has to be STACKED IN THE RIGHT FUCKING ORDER!!!!!!

And then there are the mixed Fucking signals. Don't use the state assessment information, do use it. Don't use classroom performance on goals, but do use it! I can't be consistent because what I am told to do isn't.

Oh, and then there's the fact I AM SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM TAKING MOTHER FUCKING NOTES WHEN I AM A HIGH QUALIFIED FUCKING PROFESSIONAL WITH A MILLION OTHER THINGS I NEED TO BE DOING!

So, anyway, that's done, stay at work until after five (school was dimissed at 2:40). Get the kids, get them fed and they decide to be FUCKING MANIACS! Jesus fucking CHRIST!

Stop destorying everything in sight just becuase I am not in the room watching your mindless shows with you. I HAVE MOTHER FUCKING WORK I have to get done.

Ok, ok. Calming down. This shit has to get better. I take notes, I leave myself notes. I stay late and go in early. I put in hours off the clock trying to help my students do well in school.


Apparently its all FUCKING SHIT!

is it possible

To use the kindle as a tool. Id like to think so. I have a Fire that I love and am eyeing the HD that came out recently. Its no ipad but it is pretty close. Also thinking bout getting my little dudes low end tablets for Christmas. That way I'm not competing with them for mine. Any way. Its late. Think I will attempt that sleepy time thing again.

Life, as We Know It

I am a gypsie at heart. Too long in any one place makes me restless. Planning moves has never been my strong suit. but maybe it is time to go home. If there is any such thing for someone like me.

We shall see what the coming months bring. I know I am stronger than most give me credit for. But this is a whole other thing.

I miss my mom. I've spent so long as an orphan, I don't know if I can stop being one and go back to being part of a family. It isn't just claiming this or that person you know. Its also letting them in and making room in your life and your day for them.

I think we are going to move in the summer. Back to our home town. The place that saw all the akward years and bad hair cuts and poor choices. The place where they know me, my brothers, my parents, my grandparents.

I don't know if my return will be local girl does good and comes back, or if it will be more like the return of Ester. Will they be looking for the Scarlet letter?

My least Favorite Day of the Year

     At the end of the first and third quarter of the school year we have parent-teacher conferences. I love getting to talk to parents about their kids. About the hard work they put in and about the things they can do to improve. I try to keep it short and positive; as a parent, I know how over whelming it can be to have a lot of information thrown at you at once. 

If a student has specific assignments they can still do to make the grade better or specific materials that they need to bring in, I try to write it down for the parent. 

As a special education teacher, who doesn't teach an actual class, I don't have as big a group of parents to see as most teachers. And I seem to have a group of parents who aren't keen on coming. In the past i've sent reminder letters and even called to remind parents about conferences. It doesn't help. My first year at fall conferences, no parents came. Last year I had two parents show up. 

This year I tried something else, I promised the students and icecream party if they got their parents to come. I had six parents accounting for seven students show. That's still very few, I have a case load of 18. But it is significantly higher than in the past. 

I don't feel right about giving a full on party to the group when only seven came. So I think I'm going to give the ones who came gift certificates to the local icecream shop.

At home things are mostly good. Last night we had a blow up. the kids were beyond bitchy. Christopher blew up at the boys after asking them to cut it out. I didn't like how he went about it. I got onto him, and since I was pissed, I didn't convey my meaning well. After going round for an hour, we just hung out in separate rooms for a while. 

don't misunderstand, there wasn't a lot of yelling from the adults, just that circular conversation that happens when both parties feel like they are right and they can just talk the other into their point of view. This morning I had to get up and go in to work. The kids had no school, so they slept in. 

When I came home at noon for lunch, Christopher was still in bed. We texted with each other later today. He said he feels bad about what happened and that he might stay over night in Parsons, where his class is tonight. Since then he hasn't answered my texts. 

I never figured I was jealous. But it seems I am. The teacher of his class has hit on him earlier in the semester. He swears that he has no interest in her that way, he just thinks she's a nice girl. But I still worry. Before we were together he claimed he didn't believe in monogamy. And we fought the other night. 

I need to be more secure. But I also wish he'd just send a text when I send him one. When he has something on his mind, he sends multiple texts. Sigh. Its another case of if only everyone just did things my way. 

Isaiah is 14. He can get a learner's permit and will be in high school next year. I'm so not ready for that part of his childhood, and so sad that I didn't make the earlier parts of his childhood better. I feel like things are good and stable now and will only get better. It hurts to think that the oldest one missed out. 

Gideon is in second grade and has a .6 grade equivalent reading level. He is so wiggly and distracted at school that it is hard to get him to do much. Even when the teacher goes through a worksheet with the class, he looses track about halfway through it. They are having his teachers complete ADD screening surveys. We are having a team meeting in November. If the results come back like I think they will, I'm going to try to have him evaluated at children's mercy or PSU for confirmation and then seek medication. 

I know I had Isaiah stop after a few years. In his case he wasn't as severely impaired by his ADD and the meds had him looking emaciated. He could gain weight or sleep and his grades were not better. I talked to the COOP's nurse and she recommended just getting the short term pills and redosing him at mid-day. She said the weight gain issues were more problematic with the time release formulation and that for some kids the time release stuff doesn't even kick in until the school day is almost over. 

I wish I were a better mom and partner and teacher. i guess I will settle for blogging and wishing he'd just text me. I need to work on that. 

Bad Blogger, or moved on?

I'm sure you've noticed, dear readers, that I am not writing on here nearly as often as I used to. When I started blogging, it was out of a need for an emotional outlet. I look back at the person I was five and six years ago and at the person I am not.

Then I was lost and alone and terrified. I was scared that nothing would change and afraid of the wrong sort of change happening. I felt isolated and powerless to change my life for the better. I had a community around me that was actively working to sabotage me. I'm sure they didn't, and still don't, think of it that way. But when a man who calls himself "Preacher" beats a child's bottom so hard its black and blue over jumping on a couch, and then calls child protective services on that child's mother over a messy home, there really is no other word for it.

When a supposed friend backs out of promises to take a carless mother to a grocery store, and then calls cps when she is out of food, its sabotage. The wrong kind of milk, the wrong kind of discipline, the kids coats on but not zipped, the kids don't have enough clothing . . . . these were things these people reported me on. They reported me so much that the social worker assigned to me told me to sever ties and move away.

I found a way to do it.

I pursued higher degrees and better jobs. And now I am that scared woman, but I'm more. I'm a confident teacher. I have a boyfriend who is truly the sweetest person I know. I have bright, smart boys who are fun and funny.

My dad still lives too far away and seems to place everyone and everything above me. I don't know if he realizes how it looks when he takes all these trips but he can't take one to come see me. I can't spend more energy on that anymore. I love him and I choose to maintain the relationship for my kids. But I can't take it personally anymore. I've come to realize just how damaged he and his wife are.

I have friends here that care about me because they like and respect me. They build me up. They don't overwhelm me with advice and offers of help that come with string attached. I have a job that it hard every single day, but it is rewarding every single day.

If I don't blog as much anymore, it is because the internal noise has quieted down enough that I don't need to use blogger as a place holder for my thoughts and emotions.

I still have things that I need to deal with. I'm a slob, chris is a neat freak. We go around a bit over finding a happy medium. Chris wants to buy a house, I don't mind renting; if I own a place I want it to be nice and I want it to be close enough to my current job that the kids don't need to change schools.

My oldest son is turning 14 and I'm not sure I'm ready for him to be a teenager. I know kids his age who are parents. Who are experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I worry about the kids he is hanging out with and what he does for fun when he's away from my sight.

I want to trust him and be cool. I also want to know what he's doing and where he is and who he hangs out with and what their parents do for a living. I can't seem to manage both. I think my youngest may be academically gifted. He picks up spelling and reading so fast. I realized he might be truly gifted when I spelled out for his big brother "we may be going to the Z - O - O or to P-U-T P-U-T. And Noah says "We're going to the Zoo!".

And now he sees words and asks me what they mean. Words on TV, Brands and initials on products around the house, things on paper. He wants to know what it says.

Gideon is still a nut. He plays very intently with small objects, creating a world and a story line for them with lines and sound effects and little props. It can drive you nuts if he's doing it next to you. He is so intent on it that it takes some effort to break through it to get his attention. And then later he's impulsively bouncinf from sofa to floor and back, or sitting upside down on the chair. He is behind in school and on special education. I'm afraid they are going to want him medicated and I really don't want to do that.

The more I work with big kids, the more convinced I am that medicating a brain is no way to make it a normally developed brain.

It goes so fast

Himself has been here with us since mid-july. Its been a bumpy ride. Not bad, but certainly different. A learning experience for all.

There's the big huge stuff, like how to arrange life so there's room for two adults with thier own hangups and needs and values and ideas of what peace and quiet feels like, or a clean house looks like, or how to sleep in the same bed and have insomnia and not keep the other one up all night, or how to stand your ground and be like, no, I'm too tired to be up, I"m going to bed.

There's the even bigger things like how he deals with my kids and expecially Gideon who for the longest time he didn't want to believe had learning delays. Parent night at school and some educaiton he got for his new job with disabled adults seems to have convinced him that I really did know wha tI was talking about.

There's still a lot that we are going to have to keep working on. I'm a slob. He's too free with money. He values the appearance and trappings of wealthy too much. I knwo where it comes from, he has some relatives with huge net worth, but its not realistic for a 30 year old whos idea of steady employment is being offered seasonal positions two years in a row. He's done a lot of partying which scares me a little. I've been doing a whole lot of workig in the same years.

He thinks he's smarter than I am, but he forgets times and dates that I know he's told me about, ends up in trouble over it later. HE's already dropped a college class. I know why, the teacher was a dick, but its still his ffault. Classes had opened Monday, he didn't check that online class until the following Sunday.

Under all the negotiation and the back and fortha nd butterflies is something way cool though. Love. A completeness of heart and home. A feeling of finally not being in this all alone anymore. I never had that so I never missed it, but now that its here, I'm so glad.

trying

I swear I am. I just wish I could feel like I can relax. I wish I could just make everyone and everything do what needs to be done, but I can't and then it all falls down on my head like I caused it to happen on purpose and the reality is that I just don't have that kind of control.

And it makes me sad.

I've been having intense dreams. Last night's dream involved spilled soda from a fountain flooding a convenient store, a dog, cleaning the coke up, having twin babies, one dying, and one sitting up and playing in a container of formula..

I don't know what any of it means other than that I have an active imagination. And no my feelings are hurt because I tried to do a nice thing, an honest and open thing, and I got shit on for my efforts. I don't know how to do this divided loyalty thing.

Gideon's bio dad has stopped paying child support. I need to stream line my finances. And with My guy, we have some new goals, like buying a home, or renting another. I went from being rather comfortable to very very tight financially and I need to try to reverse that.

Cutting off the cable TV. Turning down the speed of the internet. And possibly changing cell phone plans and providers. Because you can't change down with a current provider. I'm having a surprisingly emotional response to going from an all the data you want plan and fancy iphone to stepping into a basic calls and texts phone. Why is that? I'd still be able to suer the iphone as a little tablet to play on or use as an ereader. I don't actually need to access email and facebook all day. So what's the problem?

Cw used to read this. He's been busy since he moved to Kansas, and in with me, so I don't know when or if this will be seen. I try to communicate and I try to respect the needs of every one. But at the same time, I feel like everything has been turned upside down and any small bit of normalcy I try to grab back onto is some sort of act of disrespect.

ITs not meant that way. Its meant to just be me trying to make like pleasant for everyone. I just don't know who to do it. The kids wont cooperate on the animals being out all the time. If I'm home I can mediate the critters coming in for a visit and going back out. I feel like I shouldn't be the one who gets bitched at over what happened while I was at work, the little boys were at a sitter, and Isaiah was home alone. And I certainly don't think I should get bitched at three days later when I said, "I let the puppy in to play for a while, but he's back out now".

I totally suck at blogging.

It seems that I've forgotten the first rule of blogging, which is to, you know, blog. Anyway, its been a super busy summer and a lot has happened.

Short story is that I am in a new relationship with an old old friend and I am really enjoying life. Things are going well. Its an adjustment for the kids, but they are liking things too.

School is getting ready to start. I was all excited about the new school year, and the column movement raise I was expecting to get. Until I didn't get it. I remember having a conversation with the HR lady last may when I checked out. At the time she said I was good to go and it would show up on my new contract. Well, the new contract came, and it wasn't on there.

In fact, due to a hiccup in the negotiated agreement, I don't get a raise at all. I was on MS+15 and step eight. The salary for step nine is exactly the same. Id I had moved to MS+30, it would have been a 1200 dollar a year raise.

My new guy grew up in Kansas, he was one of my very best friends in elementary school, but he has spend the last several years living in Colorado. He moved back to Kansas to finish his degree, and I think to be near me (scary flattering, I don't like having that kind of power over a person), but I know he missed it. I was dead set against the idea, partially because I feel like it is silly to walk away from a decently paying job. That was before I was screwed over.

In talking to my co-workers, this seems to be  a pattern. They did the same thing to my friend, Amanda. She was due to move over a column, but then it didn't happen because it wasn't on the transcript she turned in in April, when the paperwork was collected. She graduated in May, and was assured that it would be ok, she'd move up. Then it was reversed and she ended up working a year underpaid.

This year she took a pay cut to quit working for the coop as a special education teacher in order to work for USD 257 as a math teacher.

I should be ok either way. I make enough to carry us. The extra hundred or so a month would be nice, but I'm planning on trimming out cable and internet when school starts and that will save money. I'll also renegotiate the cell contract. The new guy is a sweetie and helps out with stuff and will probably keep doing so.

Anyway, the point was, I'm much more open to a relocation now. Colorado sounds like fun to be honest. Nicer weather, out door activities, higher pay for me, and I'm sure for anyone else when compared to a similar job in Kansas.

There's other stuff to get into, but that's what's on my mind at the moment; well, and the fact that the guy who died yesterday was supposedly this great  composer but all the music clips they play on the news are super annoying.

Or the fact that if summer break were much longer, my kids would be in terminal danger. I'm serious, they are tired of everything, playing outside, watching TV, playing video games, the pool. They've settled into beating each other up and begging for junk food.

I have two classes to take this fall. I'm trying to get the soul sucking coop to cover the majority of the cost, they usually only do one class. If I take two this semester and one next semester, I'll be finished by the summer. It will be hard, but I can do it.

Anyway, I hope that I don't fall off the planet like that again, but no promises.

ARGH!

I think I'm better at being a friend than a girl friend. Or what ever. We've talked about living together, raising kids. Seems hella lot more serious than "girlfriend" implies, but at the same time, its the closest title that I think makes any sense.

As a friend, I can say to myself "So and so drove 10 hours the other day, had a very late night, and was right back at work as soon as he got in" and then decide that I don't need a text or to call and talk because I remember that when I drove home from Tennessee I put myself to bed and barely moved for three days. As a girl friend, I can give myself the same speech and delay calling until after noon, my time. And then spend my whole day near my phone. And email a couple of times. And this with me knowing the party involved has practically zero cell reception and is you know, working. And recovering from a busy trip.

Yeah, this is gonna be interesting. But good, I hope. I am incredibly good at distancing myself, emotionally, from things. Its very easy to say "oh well, if it works than it'll be great and if it doesn't, well, that's just another failed romance to add to the list"

But that's not actually true. The truth is that he's one of my very oldest friends. He has insights into me that practically no one else can even guess. I've claimed him as one of my people for over 20 years and it would completely devastate me if that ended.

So becoming paranoid, clingy and neurotic is completely the rational way to handle all this. NOT! Bad, Alley, Bad!

The other true is that despite my, valid, reservations about him, he's a better man than any I've dated. He wants to be a dad (I know, that's more than he realizes, but he still wants it) where the rest saw the kids as a detriment, the fact the existed meant I'd never be more than a causal girl. He has two weeks off, spent every single day working for others. Helped me set up the window unit that needed moved. And while he's aware that I am a complete slob, he's kinda okay with it. For now at least.

Makes me wonder which one of us is reaching. Makes me wonder a lot of things. And then my brain drags me into the future and I begin to worry about things that are so not even on the horizon yet.

Like work. Mine is here, he loves Colorado. Like his education. Like the fact that I kinda like living where I live and he's had a taste of high dollar living and wants to get back to it. Meanwhile, I think conspicuous consumption in all its forms is worthy of little more that being ridiculed. I tell my kids to give the finger to anyone they see in a Hummer. When their older I'll add other high end cars to the list (really, who need a $100K vehicle other than to show off? )

I don't like this shitty house because it has never been maintained and its falling apart, but if it was a version of this house, well cared for or my own to fix as I see fit, or a McMansion, I pick the 100 year old house. I make decent money, but it isn't ever going to afford me a high end lifestyle. The careers he's aiming for are about the same as mine. We'd be solidly middle class. I'm okay with that.

Is he? Really?

He doesn't want to permanently settle in Iola, which I can't blame him. Its small, its boring, its poor, its country, its low class. But its where I work and have accumulated some seniority, some friends, and am fighting to earn the respect of my colleagues, That's hard to contemplate walking away from. Very hard. And this is a good town for my kids. Would Lawrence or Overland Park be as good?

I doubt it. Firstly, all we could afford was an apartment or a condo. Decent houses rent for what I make a month and then some more. I'd probably not be teaching in the same district or at the same building as my son. They couldn't just hop on their bikes and ride to the park or home or to a friend's house. And going into a new school is always a crap shoot. Are they all getting along or is there a bunch of in-fighting. Did they hate the person you are replacing? Did they love the person and resent you? Is the administration insane? Are the parents up in arms over something you had nothing to do with?

I won't claim to be a fan of every single teacher I work with, but I know where I stand with most of them (the math department hates me, Science is a mixed bag, English is unpredictable, and if a certain history teacher ever speaks to my son the way he talks to our kids, I'll have his ass) I won't know that going into a new system. I teach in a smaller school, I know the faces, who should be there and who shouldn't. Its easy to walk up to someone who is not a student, staff or parent and ask "Can I help you?" which is a nice way of saying "who are you and why are you here watching all the young kids?"

But here's the thing, all that's important, but none of it matters now. What matters now is I really care about this man, have for a long time, and want to build something. No one knows what's happening tomorrow or next year. The way the state budget is, I might be laid off by the time all this comes up. Because he's perfectly okay with moving back here initially. He's basically said I get my way about where we live, at first. And I know that inertia being what it is, where things start tends to be where things end. So why twist myself up in knots?

Because I am a neurotic mess when I'm in a relationship! But, its late, the kids will be up at the ass-crack of dawn and I'm tired.

Also, I wish he was here.

Welp, That was Interesting . . . .

Not even sure what else to say.

I have some road trips to plan. I need to try to coordinate with dad about weather or not the kids will be staying with him. I need to coordinate with my guy in Colorado about when or if would be the best time to come up. They live in high altitude land, so it sounds like if I were to visit for a week, I'd spend the first three days feel like yuckasaurus.

I do like were things may be going. I hope its because I like the person involved enough to make it work, and not because I'm a lonely person.

And it totally doesn't help that he's a reader. Damn, self editing! Oh well. Call me.

Life in Iola is pretty good. I finally finished my professional development points for the coop. On the very last day they'd be accepted. Can you say "procrastination"? I can spell it.

Anyway, we've already been to the pool twice and as usual, I burned and will peel and am currently in the itchy/painful stage. I put on sunscreen and I sun screened the kids. They didn't burn to the extend I did so I either was more thorough on them than I was on myself or I am just more vulnerable to the burn.  A student who's also in foster care has stopped by to visit a couple of times. She borrowed some books too. I like the kids but I wish that she'd call first so I could just invite her to dinner or something instead of her showing up and expecting to be entertained.

My Colorado friend left today for home. I didn't want to let him go and I wish I had spent more time with him while he was here. He's a good person, spend like a week or maybe longer in Kansas and every single day he was doing something for or with someone he hadn't seen in forever. I would have hidden out on a beach with some music, some books, and probably some booze.

My brothers were both in jail over memorial day, I guess it was a family get together of sorts. Tom was released the other day, but Mike was sent on to a different jail in a different county. Tom posted this all on facebook so we'd all know. classy of him.

I don't know what to do. I know what I want. But I also know that there are other people involved and I can't just snap my fingers and expect others to fall in line. I want him, with me. I want to stay in Iola where I have some senority established and the community is small and friendly and Isaiah has friends and I have friends. He's spent enough time living and working in where he has that he really isn't motivated to settle in Kansas. And I can't blame him a bit. But I think if I try to uproot Isaiah again, the kid is going to rebel and I'll lose him forever. And I'm afraid of moving again and what it would do to my career. At some point the schools get tired of seeing people come in, stay for a little while and leaving. They want people to be willing to stay.

Summer time

On the one hand, I'm always in favor of more free time. On the other hand, I am a person who tends to thrive on structure and a sense of urgency. My normal is to go go go all week or more and then collapse into a day or two of absolute sloth to recharge before doing it all over again. I don't know how to transition into summer with so much free time.. Its not gradual, its work work work up until the last moment getting things done and then . . . .   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  ..  . . .. . . . . . .


Nothing.


I've already rearranged the living room, cleaned my room, and bought flash cards and writing paper for a little bit of summer home school.


And that's with me being a bit sick. I have a cold sore, I know it sounds whiny, but it is a viral outbreak and it makes the whole body feel sick.


I haven't heard from the kids' dad. After his insistence that I only email him on Wednesday and any other communication would be reported to the police, I basically called his bluff. I emailed him about his kids and his poor parenting every day until Wednesday, when I didn't email him at all. Thursday I told him that until I got a serious apology from him neither I nor the kids would be interested in contacting him.

I guess that isn't exactly true. Isaiah isn't interested, but the little boys miss seeing their dad. I know Isaiah misses HAVING a dad. He's told me he wishes I would date and marry so he could have a dad. I know what he means. I love our little family, but I know what's missing.

But I also know that there are so many times that the fantasy of forming a new family is a false one. I was raped by my stepfather. I know other people who were beaten, molested, verbally and emotionally abused or just ignored by their step fathers. And so often the mothers are so wrapped up in the need for a relationship that they turn a blind eye to the needs of their kids. Or they allow themselves to become dependent on the man's money or something else about him so they feel like they must put up with it.

I realize I have issues with a capitol "I" and that I tend to keep most of the people in my life at arm's length. I know that my dating habits are almost guaranteed to be unsuccessful. I allow myself to feel unworthy of many men. The ones I find myself comfortable aiming for are men I know are inappropriate for my life so I don't really put much effort in.

I am aware of my issues, but not how to alter the mindset behind them in such a way as to be more successful. Success being defined as meeting nice people and forming relationships that are appropriate for my life and kids.

So I try not to think about it at all.

Good things are happening. I have some good friends here and it occurred to me the other day that this is home, Home. The place has become imprinted on my brain. Even this shitty rental house is home. I wish I owned it so that I could just fix the things that need fixed. (I'd start with the foundation, then the roof, followed by the floors and kitchen). I should get off my ass and start actually saving money and paying off all these old debts that are chasing me around. Then I could buy a decent house. And fix and decorate all I want.

My good friend, Chris, is coming to visit. We were in school from first grade to high school. I haven't seen him for twelve or fifteen years. He's been in Colorado. I know he feels like he needs to be there doing what he's doing, but I worry about him. He's also a reader and like the only person who knows me who is a blog reader. Anyway, we're going to hang out a little. It should be fun.

Supremely dissappointed

I have tried to encourage a healthy relationship between my sons and their dad. It hasn't been easy for me. The ex is abrasive and a liar. He also tends to make everything about himself and is prone to dropping out of the world with no explanation or warning. Two weeks ago I spoke with him about his seeing the boys this weekend. I didn't realize that this was mother's day weekend at the time. After that conversation, there was no contact. I figured out by Friday evening that he had no intention of seeing his kids this weekend. I made plans to keep the kids happy, I'd already told them he wanted to see them. This morning I sent a carefully worded email. I let him know that his relationship with his kids was in serious danger of deteriorating passed the point of salvage and that I felt this would not be good for them or him. He called me within the hour. He was angry and full of excuses. And alarmingly unconcerned about rescuing his relationship with his sons. Apparently I am abusing and harassing him and if I do not stop, he will have a restraining order filed. I've spoken to the man twice in a month. I'm going to post my email and his on this website and on craig's list. And maybe a few other places. If he wants to accuse me of harassment, I think I'll earn the accusation.

Are They Tying to Start a Fight?

Gideon had his Safebase blue plate dinner tonight. Now I remember why I skipped out on the last one. Too many people, too big a crowd. That last ones were at least indoors so that the kids were reletively contained. This one was at the children's garden. They had that block of Sycamore blocked off, but Lincoln wasn't, and Lincoln is one of the busier streets in town. I knew there'd be no parking so Isaiah, Noah and I rode our bikes there. Gideon would ride home on Isaiah's pegs. I still can't decide if it was white trash or clever to avoid taking the car. Noah was so slow getting there. I almost crashed just because I can't roll at a standstill and hold balance. And he tends to just stop peddling or swerve into a street. Anyway, I was annoyed before we even got there. Then we are there, Isaiah has gone ahead and reports back that yes, its a mad house. Kids and parents and siblings milling all over the place. I find a metal hand rail next to the sidewalk across the street to tie our bikes up to. And Gideon spots me. He is so insane. He didn't tell his teacher or wait for me to come to him, he jumped the fence, ran through traffic, almost got hit by the east and west bound lanes, and runs to me. Like he's going to be taken away or I won't claim him or something. So now I am annoyed with Noah, annoyed at the disorganization of the event and scared over Gideon. We cross the street, at a cross walk, and find out that to line up for food, one much fill out a survey, there are no tables at which to survey, just a large group of adults crammed around a table filling in this survey. I wait a good five minutes before someone hands me a clip board and a pencil. I step away from the table (wow, concept, clear the area for more people) and begin to fill the thing in. Gideon and Noah spot some friends and a game of chase, run away, starts. I call the boys who belong to me back, there are just too many people and too much chaos around for me to be comfortable with them running off. And besides, as soon as I am done with the form we will stand in line for food. Noah comes back, still horsing around, but closer. Gideon resists, his big brother drags him to me. I tell him to stay, he kicks at Isaiah and hits at me. So I take him by the arm, march him to a curb and sit him down. He immdiately does what he does in that situation, pulls his knees up, puts his head down and circles his arms around. His way of closing himself off from input, from me. He tends to pout like this for five or ten minutes and then either move on or try to go back to what got him in trouble in the first place. With him finally close and Noah staying close, I finish the damn survey. (I hate rating things from one to four). And then something weird happens. A woman I don't know comes up to Gideon and asks him to give her a hug. He was in no mood and just turned so his back was towards her, I gave her a WTF look and she left. No explaination. Then her friend comes over. "Excuse me, can I talk to you in private?" "I'm with my kids, what can I do for you" "I want to talk in private" "what ever it is, say it or leave" "Well, I saw you grab that kid and it bothered me I was abused and noone said anything so now I am" "Okay, you don't know the whole situation and I'd like you to leave us alone." She didn't. And I was already stressed and pissed. And then I've handed in the form and am trying to get my guys moving to a table I have my hands on their heads, herding, guiding, them to a table I've spotted that's empty. And I can hear them behind me going on about how I have my hands on kids and it must make me feel good to be mean to little kids. And then I'm in her face inviting her to tell me her name and either call in an authority or shut the hell up. I insist they introduce themselves. I call them cowards to hound someone without at least that. My friend talks me into backing off, but my hands are shaking and I'm more angry that I've been since Shane threatened to kill me if I didn't shut up. That was two days before I left the house we shared with two suitcases, a baby and a pregnancy. The talk, you know, that loud, meant to be over heard talk, went on all through the meal. I ignored it. They found excuses to walk past our table. I ignored it. The kids picked at their food. I thought it was okay, the chicken was burnt and we don't like potato salad. When we were finished I let them play a while, but there was no bathroom there and they were way too interested in the manure pile attached to the garden. (It isn't an area set up like a park at all) So I gathered them up to go home. There was resistance, but not too much. Gideon and Noah liked the idea of racing home. Gideon and Isaiah won. Noah rode even more slowly on the way home. It will be a while before he's zipping around like his brothers. I hate that I got so mad and so in their face. But I ultimately wasn't wrong. You don't mess with someone else's kids and you don't pick and pick at someone who is out with their kids. I'm tired, and I'm stressed out and I'm fed up with these small town shit heads. I'm lonely and I'm scared and I'm tired of running. And mostly, I wish Gideon weren't so . . . Gideon sometimes.

Excuse me while I rant a bit

I am a 30 year old woman with three beautiful kids, a job I love, a community I enjoy and friends I care about. I make enough money to comfortably meet our basic needs with a little left over for spoiling the kids. I have no reason to complain. But I am going to anyway and it all boils down to envy. I know that envy is a black burden to carry and that if I can let go of it I will be a happier person. But I can't seem to. See, here's the problem. I was a good kid. I wasn't rebellious, I wasn't obstinate or defiant. I didn't lie to my parents or steal from them or destroy their property. I got pregnant as a teenager, but I never quit school. I worked and paid for all his needs, like clothing and formula, myself. I got state assistance for daycare. I even bought my own car. I didn't leave the baby with my mom and dad so I could go party. But I grew up having to walk on eggshells. My mom was so unstable that if she percieved an imagined slight, she would go into a fit, and throw the offending kid to the curb. My dad was living with a woman who didn't want to have anything to do with his kids, so it was hard enough to see him, the idea of going to him if mom threw me out was laughable. I paid for my own expenses and rent to my mom and bought household groceries on top of it all. Then mom was dead and I was having to support my dad, my brothers and myself and my kid. No one helped me. No one swooped in and said "here, let me make your life easier". And why would they? I wasn't there kid. I wasn't their problem. I was the teen mom daughter of the black sheep of the family. Fast forward ten years. My cousins are all grown now. Some of them are married. And the help they get from their parents and my grandfather is hard to be blind to. Grampa wouldn't even cosign a car loan for me when my car was breaking down. He gives money to my cousin as a gift. Because he's proud of her. I had to live in government housing to finish college, I worked three jobs and twice the police banged in my door because they had the wrong address. DO you know how hard it is to convince a swat team they are at the wrong place? My cousin, who was a bad kid, who was terrifyingly promiscouce, who is shallow and trite and just not a very nice person is always rubbing the help she gets from her mom in my face. I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she's just clueless. She announces that she picked her bank so it would be easier for her mom to transfer money into her account. She gets her folks to pay part of her rent so she can live in a nice part of town and not have to get a roommate. She just got her mom to buy her a new car because the clunker she had been driving was unreliable. And then the next day she's on facebook praying about accepting hardships. Her sister, who is my age, is a nitwit. She creates all this drama because of the men she chooses to keep company with. Her kids all have issues and aside from getting SSI for them, she doesn't really watch the issues closely - her diabetic daughter almost died because she was letting the kid check her own blood sugar and not making sure she was being accurate about it. Her mom is talking about buying her a nice house and letting her rent it cheaply. This is less than five years after they cosigned her mortgage and she married an idiot and moved out of her own house when the marriage went south. The house ended up in forclosure. I know that people will do things for their own kids that they wont do for their nieces. I know that I can provide for all these needs that others are providing for my cousins. But I can't quit feeling resentful. I keep wondering what the hell I did to end up shut out. Also, I hate the new blogger format. It publishes everything in a huge block of text, that's not how I typed it.

Is It So Odd

That sometimes I just dont want to make eye contact with other people? It isn't that I am dishonest or dislike them. I just don't want to look at their eyes.

Insomnia, How I despise You!

I hate not being able to sleep. Last night and the night before I would feel myself drifting off. That beautiful sinking feeling, and then it would be gone and I'd be back at that Eyes closed and relaxed, but not asleep point. Today I was worthless at work. Just goofed and unable to focus and almost nauseated with exhaustion. I ended up leaving early and skipping out of a staff meeting. I got my money back that Mike had spent off my Debit card. It was over $300 dollars. Not enough to absolutely screw me over, but it would have been scary tight without it. I don't like that feeling of not being sure I have enough to get through to the next pay day. I guess no one does. The police just pulled values out of their asses about what my stuff was worth. An $850 camera was listed as $150. The computers were $300. I hope the insurance company reads my report and looks at my receipts to see what was actually stolen. I miss having a camera. I miss being able to get a decent night of sleep. I am going to take sleepy pills tonight, I know it will make me groggy in the morning, but I have to do something.

Dislocation

I finished a book this evening. Id like to be able to claim I discovered a great new work. But I didn't. I reread THE STAND by Steven king. I think I was twelve or fourteen the first tome I read it. I know it was odd to see a kid my age lugging around such a.large, serious book. It seems like instead of revisiting old friends or locations I revisits the books I read. When I was younger and life was simpler. It wasn't necessarily safer. It should have been nut the truth is that I never felt safe. But the crushing responsibility wasn't there yet. I read and I go back. I love nh kids and I'm proud of my achievements but I sometimes think about how many are counting on me and I feel so small. I think I'm over wishing for a partner. Husband. Helpmeet. Mate. There is something in my makeup that makes that impossible. Its not a matter of attractiveness. Even in my needy glasses and frumpy teacher clothes I look ok. Its something in my soul that pushes people away. Keeps people back. Magnitism in reverse. I'm ok with it though. People are stupid and dangerous. Best to limit exposure to risk. Never mind. The book always messes with my brain and I miss my mom. My heart ks broken over my brothers and I am feeling alone.

yup, misery

I useonline banking. I tend to check it every morning. Its my way of trucking expenses and budgeting. This morning there wee lots of charges on there I hadn't made. From what I can tell Mike waited for me to get paid, took my debit card from my wallet and hsf himself s grand time. Over 300 dollars in 24 hours all with out Mr noticing. Then he put the card back in my purse and played like he was my goofy brother. Hes not. Hes a cold calculating thrift, liar, criminal. I told him that very morning to get the tuck outran my house. After he was gone I found my camera, isaiahs phone some cash and two laptops missing. Whilenee were gone he came back. Took a charger. Broke an aircinditioner climbing in a window. The fraud on the card will be returned. I filled out paperwork at the bank. Closed my account and opened another. I filed a claim with my renters insurance. Their not gonna cover all the cash and they need prooof of ownership whatever that is. I knew. I knew he was trouble. But I am suchban orphan. I wanted to be close to someone who is my blood. Just for a while.

I Create My Own Misery

So did I mention that I let my sorry, no account, crack head, idiot brother move in? Probably not because I knew it was a bad idea when I did it. I know the story of the scorpian and the fox very well. HE's already bitten me. I woke up yesterday and my car was gone. He'd run a little less that a quarter of a tank out of it. I was so scared about the loss of the car that I could not think clearly. And so relieved to see Kt back that I didn't throw him out then. I did get my spare key back and tell him he had better get a job because he has four weeks to get out. I also put hasps and lo ks on my and Isaiah's rooms. He got the key by going throw my room when I wasn't home. He also took money from Isaiah. Iwanyed to believe that he was ready tho change but he isn't. He just wants to go on manipulating people and using. If he screws up again. I'm dropping him off somewhere.

No One owes you a baby

It seems like some things I never can get away from. I get away from blogging. Mostly because I get too tired to do it by the end of the day and I don't get as emotionally worked up as I used to when things were harder.

But some things still do it. Like infant adoption.

I was online reading Prudie's collum, bad of me. And there was a letter from a couple that had tried to adopt a child only to have the birth mother change her mind. They were angry that the mom had sent a one year update about the child. Prudie told them to more or less ignore communication if it was that painful and maybe she'd stop. Seemed a reasonable response. Then I scroll to the comments and OH. My. God.

Did you know that women who get pregnant are "stupid 16 year olds who spread their legs for anyone?"

Did you know that pointing out the many moral/ethical issues involved in infant adoption is tantamount to calling all adoptive parents evil and tearing apart the identities of adopted children?

Yeah, well, you know me by now, I can't let that just pass. But I like prudie and don't want to get banned from Slate, so I'm gonna rant here a bit.

1) There are lots of children in this nation who need homes now and are ready to be adopted. Unfortunately they are not healthy white infants. If they are under the age of three they have severe with a capotol "S" health issues. They are mostly minority teens and preteens who just want a home.

2) Adopting an infant is not about helping children or making the world a better place, it is about wanting a baby. Having a baby is also about wanting a baby, but having a baby does not involve large sums of money changing hands and the severing of someone's parental rights.

3)The act of using money and power to intimidate American or Forgein parents to give away their children is an unethical act. The act of using propoganda about poverty, religeon, education and opportunity to convince a woman to not parent a child she wants to parent is an unethical act.

4) The parents and Children in the adoption industry are mostly good people. Education on the moral and ethical issues surrounding the industry can and has convinced prospective adoptors to opt not to participate in the system.

5) The system can be fixed and should be fixed and every person who values human beings as special creatures that should not be bought, sold or commodified has a moral obligation to seek to fix the system.

6)Here are my suggestions for fixing the system.
a. Birth mothers and fathers should both have to sign off on any infant adoption before the process can start. This does not negate the typical 60 day waiting period, it just indicates that both parents are aware the process has started.

b. Monetary and non-monetary compensation, such as paying medical bills, providing housing, food and clothing, cars and tuition and good old fashioned spending money must stop. Giving away her baby should not make a mother richer, even if only for a few months.

c. Counsiling should include accurate education on topics such as daycare aid for low income workers, assistance in applying for federal financial aid for college and trade school students, how to find a daycare provider and networking with other young families and single families. The mother should know that if she wants to raise her child, she can do so.

d. Prospective adoptive parents should not be forced to provide large fees to placement agencies and family court lawyers. These people should not be making money off the process and the process should not be closed to low income families who want children.

The best way I can think of to meet the needs of step "D" is to have adoption of infants be part of the larger foster care system. This means that prospective parents would have the same training and background testing as foster parents and the social workers and state lawyers would just roll these cases into the work load, no large fees for successfully placing a child, just they normal salary.

This will probably never happen and doesn't even begin to address the problem of international infant adoption, which has its own ethical issues, but this is what is needed.

No one who wants to parent their child and is willing to do the work to parent their child should be talked into giving that child away.

Lacking in Motivation

Its Sunday night. Spring break is over and I go back to work in the morning. But instead of getting ready and going to bed, I'm up and wired. Partly its that I was so blah and lazy yesterday and today and partly because I wish it was just summer and I didn't have to worry about going back to work for a couple of months.

I don't know how it is I can love my job and not want to go back at the same time. Part of it is that I'm just tired of the grind and feeling like I get no respect or control in my job. I feel like a hypocrite. I wanted a classroom, lesson plans, papers to grade and kids to teach. Instead I have a lot of sitting around waiting to be able to be helpful. And no classes to teach and only attendence in seminar, think homeroom, to take.

But lets not forget the IEPs to plan and the "progress" to track and the fact that I am somehow responsible for the success of children I've never met. That's the part I'm beginning to hate.

Went and saw dad over spring break. Surprised him. Got to spend three whole days with him. I know it sounds selfish, but it was nice to enjoy his company without having the boys around, they went to see their dad and seem like they had a good time.

I really want to move to Tennessee. I know this seems like a reversal from previous positions. In a way it is. In another way, its a refinement of previous positions. I miss teaching science. I miss being close to my dad. I hate moving. Therefore, moving again must mean moving to be near my dad and to once again teach science.

I've put in several applications for jobs in his area. If I were braver I'd just move and trust that I'm hard enough working and enterprising enough to land on my feet and float until the science job showed up.

I'm not sure I am that brave though. I like having that certainty that there was a paycheck coming that more than covers what I need for the month. I remember what it was like to juggle when I paid bills and bought groceries so that things never quite got too lean or too late or too dark. It made me feel small and scared and worried all the time.

I think I'm a bad mom. I love my little sons and even like playing with them, but sometimes I know they want me to play but I get caught up in a show or something and let the whole day pass and spend hardly any time with them. Today was like that. I have legitimate work I needed to do, didn't do it. Didn't play with Noah either. I wonder why I do that.

Now its almost eleven, he's in bed, and I wish I had played with him. I suck as a mom.

Watched "trainspotting" or at least part of it this evening. I turned it off after the part where the baby died. If I had known that was in there, I wouldn't have started the movie at all. I knew it was controversial with drug use and aids and criminality, but somehow no one mentioned the dead baby. That's probably part of why I wish the little guys were still up and that I had played more with them today.

Gotta do better. Better at work. Better with the boys. Better about saving money, especially if I really am moving to Tennessee.

I've never stayed anywhere longer than two years, not since mom died. Maybe I need to examine why that is.

How about some video?

So I have a built in webcam and figured I'd play around with it. I don't know if posting a video is smart or not. But it is weird to watch myself. I wonder if I make those faces when I'm talking to people?

Anyway

My little boys are driving me nuts. They are either best friends and partners in crime, or they are tattling on each other and hitting and fighting.


One more week until spring break. I have to finish state science and reading testing, so instead of doing my job and helping kids learn, I'll be fulfilling a federal mandate to test test test test kids.

I think every politician who wants to work on education policy should be required to take and pass with exemplary scores, every test the kids have to. We'll see how they feel about testing then. I'd give an example of the odd ball question, but its illegal for me to tell the contents of the test questions.

Anyway, its daylights savings weekend and I'l lost as to what time it is. Either 10:46, computer, or 9:46, cell phone. Why we can't set the clocks half an hour back and leave the time like that year round, I just don't understand.

What can I say

It isn't that things aren't happening. And it isn't that I all of a sudden don't need to process them. Its just that the drive to write about it has gotten vaguer.

I'll get an idea about something to write about and file it away for when I have time, and then I get busy or I'm exhausted and can't put two words together.

To recap: I can't, but here's some things that have happened of late.

Its been two months since Jason broke up with me and it stings more now than it did then. I don't know if that's because I was in shock or denial or what. I loved him, still love him in a way. I wouldn't take him back, I know he'd hurt me. I still think he's a good person and I miss having him in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why I don't have many and they don't work out. Its me that is the problem. On the one hand I am very independent. For example, a couple of weeks ago I went on a shopping trip with my cousins. My younger cousin is 21 and a college student. She went through a very rough time in high school with repeated running aways, staying with older men and taking drugs and trading sex for drugs and money. But now she's pretty much back on a normal track.

My point is that the girl has used up a lot of good will in the people who care about her. We were talking about checking accounts because her older sister, who is a year older than I am (31!) was complaining that her bank was charging her for stupid things like seeing printouts of account activity to the tune of $5 a page.

My bank gives online access with real time activity shown and pays me interest on any balance under ten grand. The younger cousin's contribution was that she likes a different bank because it's easy to set up the account and besides, with her account at the same bank as her parents, its very easy to transfer money from theirs to hers when she needs it.

That detail shouldn't bother me, but it does. It was unnecessary to include at all and its an asinine reason to pick a bank anyway. But then I got to thinking. I don't have parents that can give me money when I need it. I never have had that. As a result, I am very responsible with my money and I take pride in being able to pay all my bills or finding a way to make things work if I can't. I also wouldn't take money from my dad or my aunt if they offered.

Back to relationships, to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to take from someone something you need. Emotion, support, sex, money, help. Something. I enjoy many parts of being in a relationship, but I hate needing it. I don't let myself need another person in that way.

That's very safe. It protects me and keeps me strong, but I think it also pushes others away.

The other reason I am no good at relationships is that I've never seen or been in a "good" one. I've seen them shown on TV or read about idealized versions in books or either the self help or romance variety, but in person, not really.

I think a behavior that complex, with give and take, compromise and boundary, all that, it has to be learned. I saw and still see situations that I don't want any part of. My parents were alcoholic, mentally ill, dysfunctional messes. My granparents hated each other and were only together because it was proper. My aunt, the one who gives money to her daughter, is married to a man who I know has personality issues.

Drugs, abuse, mental instability, selfishness; these are the things I see people I love stuggling with in their spouses and partners. I don't want that. I realize that loving someone makes those problems disappear.

Maybe I'm too independent. Maybe I am too picky about the qualities I want in a partner. I do know that I want mental health, sanity, physical health and attractiveness. I want humor and honor and honesty and work ethic.

Those things are hard to find on their own. All together, probably impossible. And then the person who has all those would have to be willing to put up with and even care for me.

Interrupted

I've tried very hard to spare my sons some of the things that were the most hurtful in my childhood. In many ways I've been successful at that.

I grew up afraid of the adults. I was afraid to talk back, afraid to ask, afraid to question. Going into the parents' bedroom or personal areas was like daring a dragon's lair; not something one did unless one had to. To wake the mom from a nap or early on a weekend (and later, when she no longer worked, any day) was suicide. And then there were the times that she was dangerous no matter what you did. If you didn't say enough or said too much or stayed close or went for a walk. There was nothing you could do to avoid it. Even going to bed was no guarentee of safety. She was not above yanking you out of bed to let you know she was unhappy with something you'd done.

My sons are not afraid of me. They are a bit too comfortable with my personal space. I can't get the little dudes to sleep in their own beds and they all seem to think my bedroom is the one to hang out in. We're working on it, but I am such a sound sleeper that they tend to sneak into my room and not ever wake me up.

The morning is a whole other thing. The crack of dawn wakes them, they wake me. I try to let Isaiah sleep in.

But there are also things I wanted to spare my kids, but haven't. I never wanted to raise them without a real dad. But I picked my men so poorly. Gideon's biological father wants nothing to do with him. The man pays child support ordered by the court. That's it. The ASS Hat is a chronic liar, blow hard and ass hole. He has worlds of potential that he's squandered in attempting to pull scams to get by. Why buy gas when you can steal is? That only works until everyone in town knows its your car with stolen tags. Why get educated when you are good enough with fonts to fake credentials? They actually do check that sort of thing.

Habits like that have ruined his reputation to the point that its not him being paranoid, no one wants to hire him because no one knows whats true and what isn't and they don't want to take the risk. He worked as a grill cook at sonic when we met in high school and that's where he works now. He sees his sons, but not as often as he could and the time they are at his house, he's not really paying much attention to them. So I failed, they have absent fathers. I'm so bad at picking men that I've practically given up, so I doubt that a surrogate dad will be in the picture anytime.

I also wanted to spare them the sensation that people are temporary. In my childhood people came and went. I had a dad and then he was gone and I didn't see or hear from him for years. I had a step parent who was a monster, but he had kids and for a while I had a sister. I loved having a sister. We talked and shared things and it was wonderful. Then my mom left her dad and she was gone from my life. I've looked for her, but haven't found any traces that might be her. IT was the same with friends, but that was because of how unstable mom got to be, their parents didn't want them around her, so they couldn't be around me.

When I was very little, and my parents were still big into drugs, there were people around who were friends of theirs, but to me they were aunts, uncles, and "cousins", I remember the house being full of people. They were mostly into pot so it wasn't scary or weird, just conversation and cards and music and the kids playing in the back room. But that ended too. I ran into some of those kids later in high school, but by then our parents' habit was a secret. We didn't socialize much.

My children have been sheltered from drug use, I've never used and rarely drink. But I let people into their lives, thinking it was a good thing. My brothers both spent time living with us, but the guys are just so unstable and messed up, I finally have had to just cut ties. What good is having a male relative around if the male relative steals, uses drugs and alcohol and flies into rages when he doesn't get his way? Even worse, I allowed a man friend of mine into their lives. Jason used to be over here twice a month with his son. The boys would all play and it was like a slumber party and Jason would hang out and do things with Isaiah that only guys would do. It was so nice. But now he's gone from our lives and my little boys keep asking when Nevik will come over again and I have to tell them that his dad doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

I caused that loss to come into their lives. It was my carelessness that allowed the situation to develop.

When I was younger and mom was sick, I hated it. I hated that she slept all the time and we had to be careful not to wake her up or bother her. I missed out on things I wanted to do because I was afraid to ask her. I remember walking home from the bus stop and being afraid she'd be dead, or vanished. I hated having to take care of her, everything from cooking and cleaning for her to making sure she was taking her meds to checking her into the hospital or calling 911 and explaining her medical history and medications to the EMTs.

A child should not have to do that.

Today I had a migraine so bad I couldn't talk. Isaiah had to watch his brothers and keep them out of my room so I could rest. It was triggered by a sinus heachache, my dad called it a sinus attack. All I know is that a nap and benedryl cured it enough that I could get up and function. But I hate that it happened.

I wish I was a better mom and had given more thought to the men I had babies with. I love my sons and would do anything for them, they should have a real family.

I wish I had given it to them. I do my best and I think they are happy and secure for the most part. But I wish I did better.

Air head is too kind

I honestly think I have mental problems.

Today started out odd, good, but odd. We had some storms move through last night and they came with some stiff straight line winds. When we went to put the dog in his pen on our way out the door, we realized that the winds had blown said pen over onto its side. Isaiah and I managed to set it back up and get the door back on the hinge, but what had started as an out the door early morning turned into a run now or be forever late morning.

Got the kids dropped off and to work and had a really decent day. Didn't get a whole lot of lip from anyone. The kid who cussed me up one side and down the other last week was blessedly hard working today, kid who said she's come get extra help did it. All around good day.

Check my email before a leave the building and there it is. Email 1, sub reminders for the various IEP meetings of the day. Email 2, the automated reminder about my noon meeting. Email 3, the special services coordinator letting me know I would have to reschedule the meeting I didn't go to. Email 4, the teacher who skipped her lunch trying to attend the meeting I forgot to go run.

I am mortified. I rescheduled with the parent. Emailed apologies to all the player invovled and ate a lot of electronic crow. I've spent all evening trying to figure out how I let this happen. I put all my meetings into google calender and my phone.

But the calender didn't send the reminder while I was anywhere near my desk to see it. The meeting was at an odd time too, which didn't help. And we've had issues with students and even paras having their phones on them and out so I stopped carrying mine. I know that I used it to look up stuff related to what we are working on in class, answer work emails, and as a calculator, but it looks like I'm playing on my phone. If I want others to leave their phones away, I need to be willing to do the same. So my phone sent an alert, but it wasn't in my pocket to remind me.

I think it'll be ok. They aren't going to fire me over this. But it makes me and my department look bad. I had a tingle that there was something I needed to do today, but then I got busy, focused on other things, and let it go.

On other areas things are ok. Beast came home from the vet. I can tell he's sore because he wont settle anywhere. He wants out but I want him in for a few days so he's being very vocal about that. HE goes back in a month for a booster shot.

Made nice dinner for the kids while Isaiah emptied the pantry for me. Its not a closet and not a room, but I have some portable shelves set up in there and we use it as food/pet food/ kitchen gadget over flow. Bravery, weather because she was so sick or because she was so rotten, was pooping way back in a corner. I followed my nose to a smell and found a poo pile that was disgusting. The plan was to empty the room, sweep, vacuum, and shampoo. Then put everything away tomorrow.

Unfortunately, my brand new, used once, carpet shampoooer, is broken. No outward sign of trauma, just no brush spin or suction and lots of heat build up in the motor housing. Going to try to exchange it tomorrow. We settled for spot scrubbing that carpet and I'll vacuum is again tomorrow morning. I also plan to rearrange my storage so less food ends up back there. For now its all piled on the table and in the laundry room.

I've noticed that when I get stressed, I have a low tolerance for small noises. The sound of my dog licking his chops, my kids' voices, the clicking of toys all drive me nuts and make me feel like I am in an echo chamber. But it isn't all that loud. Something about my brain just amplifies it all. I sound crazy.

Here's to hoping that I do better tomorrow. That instead of just thinking I had a good day, I actually have a good day.

Bitch is Back

The worst part about my Monday is not having to get up early. It isn't the fact that I only ever get through half or less of my to do list for the weekend or that I sqaundered pretty weather or that I didn't do enough super special fun things with my kids.

The worst part about Mondays for me is always the fact that I have to become a fun sucker. I'm a teacher. Its my job to ride your ass about homework you don't have done or classes you are failing or volunteering in order to earn vocational credits. Its my job to tell you that texting in school, even with your mom, isn't ok. That streaming funny videos online is not the best use of the two computers in my classroom and that announcing you wont be in school for the next test wont get you out of taking it.

I am not a hard ass by nature. I like a funny video as much as the next person and I have my phone surgically implanted to my hand. But I leave them alone during school hours so that I can focus all of my attention on teaching.

Its kind of a bummy week anyway. Last Thursday my cat, Bravery, had to be put down. She had feline leukemia with caused tumors to grow through out her body. Today our other cat, Beast, goes in to be neutered and to be tested for the virus. I'm betting he has it. He's young and healthy for now, but its going to shorten his life and cause his death to be painful. The kids are sad, but plotting a puppy. I'm not bringing another cat into the house for a while. If beast is positive and lives, then not until he's gone and if he's negative, I don't want to risk exposing him.

Working out after school is still painful, but not vomit inducing anymore. I can also do crunches and sit ups that were impossible. Some things are getting easier, others seem hard still. Its almost like I have to scrape by with the wrong muscle groups because the correct ones are so weak, and then I get a little more tone and all of a sudden its hard because I'm actually engaging the right muscles.

I know its good for me. And I know now that I don't have the internal discipline to make myself work that hard on my own. Too bad the instructor took a job in western kansas and is moving this summer.

For the most part all is well. Kids are good but rotten. I wish I knew how to have fewer evenings where they fight, argue, yell, get into, tell me no and then get sent to bed a half hour early because I can't stand dealing with it anymore. But in between all that, happy family.

Real Quick

It seems like I get to the end of my energy with things left undone more often than not. I can't seem to gather my thoughts for a cohesive post anymore. I'm kinda all over the place and vague.

I blame work. There's too much to do, too much to try to keep track of, too many people to answer to. And yet, I claim to love my job. I do love my job - working with kids. I dislike the bureaucracy that goes along with it.

Aside from IEP forms, which run on average 25 pages and I have to write up 20 a school year, and periodic progress reports, I have to design and present training to paras - some of whom have been paras for longer than I've been alive. Then there's the fact that I have to magically be able to keep track of student assignments, even for classes I do not coteach and kids I don't see unless I hunt them down. Oh, and the job embedded training I'm supposed to have done for staff development, yeah, I'm totally faking it, using a project from grad school that is super imposed on our situation. As some point I have to make a presentation.

Parent teacher conferences and enrollment are this week. Monday I worked until 8:00, and tomorrow the kids don't have school but I'll be there from 8 am to 8 pm. I plan on checking on the boys at home several times, but still, its a long, stressful day. Made all the worse by the fact that Isaiah's phone seems to be broken.

Its a touch screen with a slide out key board. Well, the screen wont work. Without it you cannot select aps, read text messages or do really anything. It rings when you call into it. I told Isaiah to keep it close and be prepared for me to arrive unhappy if he doesn't answer. I got the insurance on it, so it can be replaced for a minor co-pay. Its just gonna be a hassle, and I hate hassle.

I went a little crazy and decided to get a puppy. I know it isn't politically correct, but I'm buying a puppy from a breeder. She was born on January 27, so she isn't old enough yet. Basset hound. I love hounds and I figure Gizmo needs a buddy. Dad's already tried to talk me out of it, you're welcome to join him in the attempt.

Been walking Gizmo every evening to try to get him some exercise. He is not great on a leash, but I'm getting him to the point that he will jog with me. He'll be doing really well, and then he'll smell a bunny and off he goes and my rhythm is lost and we're walking again. Also doing lunges and crunches at home.

I guess that's all I have in me at the moment. It seems kinda superficial. Maybe the long weekend will give me a chance to percolate something meatier.

A serious case of the Blahs.

Either its because I stayed up too late last night, or because I'm anxious over work, or because these workouts aren't getting any less painful, or maybe an old fashioned virus. All I know is that today I am beyond tired.

I wanted to move the little boys' rooms, assemble a new dresser (now they share one and it just doesn't have enough room), do laundry, pick up and vacuum the house. Your basic weekend chore list.

Instead, I'm feeling yucky, tired, and my hands ache.

But I've been thinking lately.

On the internet this week there's this guy who shot up his daughter's computer. Apparently she posted something on facebook he felt wasn't appropriate.

So he filmed a response, including shooting the computer, and posted it on facebook and youtube. I don't get the logic, even after reading his response to the hoopla.

If the contents of her post were so bad, why repeat them, repost them, and insure a much wider viewing than just her friends list?

If he wants her to see the technology she enjoys as valuable, why treat it as disposable by destroying it in a fit of anger?

I'm sorry, destruction is destruction is destruction. The only thing this girl has learned is that her father will always up the anty and has no problem humiliating her. She may be grounded and may not have the computer anymore, but I'm willing to be she already has another facebook profile under an assumed name.

I need balance

Pizza Hut gets way too much of my money. Seriously.

And for some reason the store here in town takes two hours to deliver. But doesn't say so when you place an internet order. For what I paid, and the wait, we could have run to the grocery store. I'm an idiot.

My boys' birthdays are done. That's why the pizza tonight. Cake and presents on the weekends. My babies. They are all kids now. No more babies. Although Noah would like to be one still.

Worked out with the girls from work. Small group now. I guess its normal for the group to shrink. The lady who leads used to be an professional instructor. Now she's a guidance counsilor. One the one hand, I know my abs are stronger now than when we started, just because I can do moves now that I couldn't before. But the pace of the workout makes me feel literally like I'm gonna throw up.

I don't know if its the rapid movements, kicks and turns and wathc your form and keep the abs tight and don't loose your balance. Or if its that my cardiovascular fitness is so terrible.

I'm not the fattest person who goes, but I think I'm the least coordinated. I'll keep trying, it feels good to start, then gets hot, sweaty, painful, then almost when I think I'm gonna die or have to quit, its over, an hour has passed and its time to put up our equipment.

The issue is that when I get home, I'm completely beat. Even making sure I snack a couple hours before so my blood sugar doesn't crash, making sure I drink enough water and eating a snack when I get home, I still feel completely physically useless.

Is that normal? How do people who work out regularly handle it?

Also, why am I, one of the least able to keep up, also the most flexible person who goes. The stretches I have absolutely no problem with. Its the aerobic moves. I can't keep up with the beat, get off track, can't remember the sequence of the steps and then by the time I get it, its on to the next move and a whole new sequence.