Summer time

On the one hand, I'm always in favor of more free time. On the other hand, I am a person who tends to thrive on structure and a sense of urgency. My normal is to go go go all week or more and then collapse into a day or two of absolute sloth to recharge before doing it all over again. I don't know how to transition into summer with so much free time.. Its not gradual, its work work work up until the last moment getting things done and then . . . .   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  ..  . . .. . . . . . .


Nothing.


I've already rearranged the living room, cleaned my room, and bought flash cards and writing paper for a little bit of summer home school.


And that's with me being a bit sick. I have a cold sore, I know it sounds whiny, but it is a viral outbreak and it makes the whole body feel sick.


I haven't heard from the kids' dad. After his insistence that I only email him on Wednesday and any other communication would be reported to the police, I basically called his bluff. I emailed him about his kids and his poor parenting every day until Wednesday, when I didn't email him at all. Thursday I told him that until I got a serious apology from him neither I nor the kids would be interested in contacting him.

I guess that isn't exactly true. Isaiah isn't interested, but the little boys miss seeing their dad. I know Isaiah misses HAVING a dad. He's told me he wishes I would date and marry so he could have a dad. I know what he means. I love our little family, but I know what's missing.

But I also know that there are so many times that the fantasy of forming a new family is a false one. I was raped by my stepfather. I know other people who were beaten, molested, verbally and emotionally abused or just ignored by their step fathers. And so often the mothers are so wrapped up in the need for a relationship that they turn a blind eye to the needs of their kids. Or they allow themselves to become dependent on the man's money or something else about him so they feel like they must put up with it.

I realize I have issues with a capitol "I" and that I tend to keep most of the people in my life at arm's length. I know that my dating habits are almost guaranteed to be unsuccessful. I allow myself to feel unworthy of many men. The ones I find myself comfortable aiming for are men I know are inappropriate for my life so I don't really put much effort in.

I am aware of my issues, but not how to alter the mindset behind them in such a way as to be more successful. Success being defined as meeting nice people and forming relationships that are appropriate for my life and kids.

So I try not to think about it at all.

Good things are happening. I have some good friends here and it occurred to me the other day that this is home, Home. The place has become imprinted on my brain. Even this shitty rental house is home. I wish I owned it so that I could just fix the things that need fixed. (I'd start with the foundation, then the roof, followed by the floors and kitchen). I should get off my ass and start actually saving money and paying off all these old debts that are chasing me around. Then I could buy a decent house. And fix and decorate all I want.

My good friend, Chris, is coming to visit. We were in school from first grade to high school. I haven't seen him for twelve or fifteen years. He's been in Colorado. I know he feels like he needs to be there doing what he's doing, but I worry about him. He's also a reader and like the only person who knows me who is a blog reader. Anyway, we're going to hang out a little. It should be fun.