When Nothing is wrong but Nothing is right

Is there a word for that? I know a lot of words, and I can't come up with one.

I have a good job. Affordable housing and reliable transportation.

I have a wiggly dog and soft cats and cute kids.

I have TVs and computers, and DVDs and games and books and then internet.

I am also lonely and alone and incredibly talented at pissing people off. Today I told a women her own name, like I didn't know who she was. I did, I was just in the middle of about 4 other things at the moment and my social skills went out the window.

My oldest child is flunking at school, not that I did much better in sixth grade. He'll pass as I did, byt he skin of his teeth. He also skipped the last period of school today, to run home and change clothes. Not explaination given.

My younger two kids seem to be stuck in an endless loop of cute - whining- cute. And they won't sleep in their own beds. I just want an decent night's sleep, but I wake up in the wee hours with two kids practically strangling me, lie there and try to get some rest after moving them away, and end up dozing off just as the alarm clock announces its time for me to rise. I never shine in the morning.

I have a semi-regular squeeze who only calls when he's broke, bored or out of other options that I can't or wont distance myself from. I want a damn partner, but it seems like everything in my life, from my location in a tiny town, to my reluctance to really socialize in public around here, to my kids, to my freaking success all seem to work against me.

I refuse to be the woman that dates the guy who's having issues with the wife he hasn't divorced yet. Or to be the woman who lets the guy with no real job, no way of supporting himself, move in with her.

But I'm also a single mom who's super busy and not interested in modifying my looks, interests, or habits to be more of a trophy wife, so the few educated, successful men around have younger, hotter, and less maternal women to choose from.

Which leaves me right back where I started. Alone, lonely, and too fucking messed up to leave the one that doesn't return my feelings for good.

Its supposed to be Asshat's weekend, but he got a job and is working this weekend so he doesn't want his kids. My brother owes me babysitting and my cousins and I are trying to put together a girls night. What I really want is a date, with a man who thinks that I'm pretty and worth trying to impress. Not gonna happen.

Probably going to end up in Joplin, 80 + miles from where I live, at a bar full of mostly college age people.

Where are the nice people? Surely even in small towns there are people, male and female, who aren't unemployed, uneducated, uninterested in anything but conservative politics and what the church says. Surely there are people in the same age range as me who aren't already married?

Surely I haven't missed my chance to have that? Surely I wasn't so busy trying to finish school and support my kids and build a career that got us off welfare that I missed out?

If I didn't, where the hell are they? Certainly not at Lurches drinking 3.2 beer and putting quarters in the juke box. Certainly not anywhere I know to look.

'bout had a moment there

I have a savings account at a local bank, don't do much with it other than stash cash there. I put child support payments in there when I get them and a pre-determined amount a month.

Any way, I had three checks totaling about 300 dollars to put in today. I always ask for a balance when I make a deposit. The teller told me that the balance in the account was 300 dollars. Which is over a thousand less than it should have been. I briefly considered having a conniption fit, but asked the teller to check again.

And she found that she'd made a mistake and all the cash was accounted for.

A less evolved me would have taken her head off first and apologized later.

Some pics of us

Happy, but non-traditional

So for Easter weekend, instead of dragging my kids to church services, coloring eggs no one would eat and hiding plastic candy eggs the kids would fight over and buying toys the boys wouldn't really want, we went and had some family fun.

Friday evening I booked a hotel in Tulsa and we drove down. The boys splashed in the hotel pol while I relaxed in the hot tub thingy. Then we ate delivered food and watched movies.

Saturday we got up and ate breakfast at the hotel the then went to the zoo. The weather was a little on the cool side and a little damp, but it was actually perfect because we were outside and moving around. The boys had a blast, but pooped out before we'd seen the whole thing. which is ok, because we can always go back later.

We drove home saturday and spent the evening exhausted.

Today, Sunday, was the dinner with the extended family. My aunt told me they planned on eating at one, and she wanted me to bring a veggie or a dessert. Well, I was tired so I choose strawberries and yogurt dip and fresh veggies and ranch dip. While I appreciate that they see me as adult enough to be trusted to bring things, I would still appreciate a bit more warning.

Anyway, we got there and the food was all eaten. My cousin, Kalyee, needed to go to work, so they pushed lunch up to accomodate her. Sweet of them, but they could also have given me a call letting me know. We drove an hour to eat leftovers and say good bye.

Funny thing is, this isn't the first time they've done this. When my mom was buried the same aunt hosted a dinner. When the service was over I stayed a while. I can't communicate my state of mind at the time, but crazy-sad is as close as I can get. When they finally closed up her casket we did go to my aunt's for the dinner. Which had already started. And was, in fact, all gone.

Because the same daughter was hungry.

I love my aunts, uncles, and cousins. But there are also times when I am reminded why it is that I've distanced myself a bit.

Other things I didn't know

1) That it would cost me at least $500 a month in gas money just driving from Pitt to Iola daily. I think I can handle seeing friends, family and assorted others on weekends or on evenings we make arrangements to meet up.

2) As frustrated as I sometimes am in my current job, I feel like I ought to give it another year before giving up on it.

3) I want to own a house. No, I'm not craving property taxes, lack of mobility, or the endless fixing and maintaining that comes with a house, but from what I can tell, mortgages are cheaper than rent for similarly sized homes, and rental houses tend to be oddly arranged, ugly, and poorly maintained.

If I want to live in Pittsburg, I can save money for a house there. If I think I can afford the drive, then I can also afford to put that money into a savings account or something and grow it for a few years towards a down payment.

I make GOOD money. Maybe not GREAT money, but certainly more than most people here make. But I still have this mindset that I need to spend every penny that comes in. Before, this was a matter of keeping us all fed and clothed. Now it isn't and I waste a huge amount of money. Part of the "waste" goes towards fun things we didn't used to be able to afford. This weekend I'm taking the kids to the Tulsa Zoo. Not much long term pay off, but its a fun experience for out family.

But I also just blow cash. On junk food because I haven't planned meals or shopped. On impulse buys of toys, sunglasses, random crap. If I could develop a little more discipline, a little more control and planning and organization, I could probably put that amount away every month.

My credit sucks. I have an outrageous amount of student loan debt. I don't know what all goes into buying houses except that even once you set a deal, you have to wait for at least a month before its done and that everything is more expensive than it seems like it ought to be. (like closing costs, the price is the price, right? what the hell are closing costs?).

I don't want a huge or fancy home. Ideally three bedrooms, a dining room, living room and rec room or den area. I'd like a fenced yard and not too close to a busy road or up next to neighbors.

Ok, that's getting fancy isn't it?

On the romance front, who the hell knows what's going on. I don't. On the one hand, I enjoy time with Jason weather sex occurs or not. I also like my space and the distance, while a little irritating, also makes it so that I get to compartmentalize. Maybe I'm not distancing myself from him because I'm not really ready for a more traditional type of relationship.

Or maybe I just like the dude. I don't like him so much that I'm going to uproot myself and switch or quit a job for.

But I do miss living in Pittsburg.

when you Don't Know what you think you know

For instance, I "knew" that N was better than Jason.

Until N stopped calling, texting, replying or basically aknowledging my existence. I have no idea why. We didn't fight. Or argue. One day we were texting every few minutes and making plans to see each other the next weekend. The next day the silence was deafening. I was a bit bummed at first, but then I realized something, its a good thing.

And then there are other things I "knew"

I Knew that Jason wasn't interested in me. But then I was bummer because N blew me off and just wanted to talk to someone and found something else out. The man's been working three jobs and going to school and maintaining his visitation schedule with his son. He hasn't been blowing me off, or using me, he's been busy.

Friday evening we went out for sushi. He blew off his job, I blew off my upset at N. Jason ended up loosing one of the jobs, but he's still working for his building owner and he's selling on ebay, making quite a bit doing that actually.

We ate dinner (sushi, both of us agreed we could have eaten way more, but that's the nature of sushi), he helped me pick out a lawn mower, then we drank wine and goofed off at his house. No sex involved what so ever. We did sleep holding hands. (I don't know why that's important, but it seems it is).

We hung out a bit the next day, then I came home, put together my new lawn mower and mowed my yard.

At this point I am not reading anything into the relationship. I wish I could see him more, but have no real drive to live with him.

Another thing I thought I Knew: That I need to live where I work.

That's not true. I miss Pittsburg. I miss the parks, the YMCA, the various amenities, the school with resources for special needs kids.

I think I'm gonna try to find two things. A job closer to pitt and a house there. If I don't find a job, I'll commute. I don't know how it will work exactly, but I'll figure it out. I thought living in Iola would make it easier, but I'm still fighting after school issues, Gideon's special needs seem to have confounded both mental health and the coop with both figuring the other ought to handle it.

And then there's the big thing I thought I knew.

I thought I was safe. But my cousin recently had a huge scare. She tested positive for Chlamydia, HPV, and HIV. She's slept with more men than I have and has been much freer with her affections than I ever have.

But its still terrifying. She goes in for confirmation later this week.

I made a doc's appointment and went in. I told her I've been pretty safe, but that I haven't been screened since I was pregnant with Noah, so five years. Got lots of blood drawn. I get results early next week.

I have no expectations for the future.

Either my relationship with Jason will grow or it will not. For now, he's an honorable man with serious issues of trusting in women and in feeling like he's not worthy of a relationship.

Either I will find an affordable place in Pitt or I will not.

Either I will get a closer to Pitt job or I will not.

I know a few things: That I have multiple friends and cousins living in Pittsburg, not to mention my niece.

That I miss the features of the community.

That my current job is a waste of my talents.

Aside from that, all I can do is my work, hope, and wait.

Confused

This is the worst part of dating: The uncertainty.

So, Jason drove up Either Monday or Tuesday to pay me for the Jeep. He didn't stay and visit. He was exhausted. He's doing school, then working till 1:00 am on nights he doesn't have his kid. He doesn't ever come out and say anything, but he will say something tangentally. He told me he was tired, working all the time, and hating his job as a way to explain why I hadn't heard from him. I sort of believe it. I also know that he only calls me when he's absolutely bored and only makes plans to hang out when he has his son. I am, apparently, the only person he knows that is ok to be around his kid.

I know I sound spoiled or what ever, but I want more. I know he's busy, but how hard is it to send a short text message saying "hi"?

And then there's N. When N and I first went out, he was texting non-stop all day long. We would spend hours on facebook chatting. It was thrilling and fun and made me feel special. The past week he's pulled back. I'm not saying he's stopped, its just not nearly as much. Again, I feel like I'm acting spoiled, but I got used to it, now that its not as much, I wonder . . . . is he thinking he doesn't want to see me? (and then there's the hating that I'm that girl that wonders). I'm trying to roll with it, on my end it was a distraction from work, I'm sure it was on his as well.

The asshat is taking the kids to Branson this weekend. Jason is working all weekend and not interested in getting together. I've hinted around to N that I'd like to do something, but he's been a bit meh on the whole deal. I may end up hanging out alone all weekend. And the weird thing is, I may be completely ok with that.

Crazy weekend recap

I got banned from my favorite message board for suggesting that spending too much time on o ne is bad for one's mental health.

Friday night i got a sitter and went out with N, which was actually staying in because I cooked for him and then we watched a movie and cuddled. Went home the next morning, and thats all you get - other than I had a great time.

Saturday went to the farm store and walmart with the kids, then took them out for icecream. Then Jason calls. He wants to buy my old Jeep cause his car is just dead. So I load up the kids, go back to Pitt and pick up Jason and his son. I make dinner while the kids play and Jason tinkers with the Jeep. He and his son drove it home.

I really wish I could read men's minds. He isn't interested in making me his girlfriend, but wants to talk about how if he lived one place and worked another and I lived in Pitt it would be perfect. He talks about doing things together in the future, but in the now all plans are on hold.

I'm feeling like a you know what, but I need to sell that Jeep and its not like I hate him . . . .. ARRGH!

N is by far a better lover and all round boyfriend type than Jason. He is attentive and romantic. He, so far, hasn't given me a bunch of run around.

Anyway, after a super busy Saturday that ended late, Sunday has been lazy. I'm tired and feel like crap - either allergies or too much activity is kicking my ass.

Idiot

That's me.

He's texted and chatted online with me everyday. I must be more charming and alluring than I give myself credit for. Trying to distance myself from Jason, not contacting him, not opening chat windows, not texting or emailing him when I am bored or frustrated.

Its kinda hard though, I don't hate him, he isn't a bad man and I'd still gladly be his friend. But that's all I will or can be to him. And I need some serious time to do that well. Because to be honest, I really had (have?) some deep, caring feelings for him that he couldn't (can't) or wouldn't (won't?) return. I know there were issues there. But if you care about someone enough, you will give them a status in your life and start making some common goals with the aim of ironing out those issues.

So, NEXT! If I can fall for an unemployed, uneducated, irresponsible single dad. I can fall for someone with more education (the new guy has an MS in biology), more employment (The new guy teaches at a junior college) and fewer issues with responsibility (I actually don't know yet, but that's what dating is for, right?)

Work continues to be work. Some days its fun, some days not so much. I've been having trouble sleeping lately, I go to bed and toss and turn and end up reading until late, then I can't get up in the morning to get ready for work. I feel exhausted all day, when the students pick up on it, its like blood in the water. Its not pretty.

I've been dieting. I realize this may have something to do with the lack of energy. But when you strip away all the mumbojumbo of the medical yahoos and the diet industry one fact reamains: in order to loose weight, you have to eat few calories than you burn over time. I try to compensate with the use of caffeinated drinks, also I realize, not all that healthy. I keep telling myself that I will adapt.

In the mean time, I'm 20 lbs lighter than I was this time a year ago, my clothes either fit better or fall off. Which is a good thing.

The new guy, from now on N, says I'm irresistible. That's good, right?

Sometimes

Life isn't hard or painful or unjust. Sometimes its just life and you find yourself too busy with crap that used to have meaning or be in some way important and now its just crap.

And then if you're like me you go poking around with your own emotions until you feel something again.

I suspect all this is a sign on serious mental illness. Or just that I'm tired of being singe and when I want something I get obsessive about it, which leads to issues throughout my life.

Anyway for some clarification, went and saw a new guy Friday. He's funny and smart and a smartass and I had a great time. I think he did too. But now I'm all worried about how much he is or isn't texting me and reading into that.

And I can't quit thinking about Jason. I creep his facebook profile and look at pictures. It would be easier, but he keeps in touch! He'll open a chat window or text and we'll have a conversation about his crappy car or his kid or what ever's bugging him. And that opens up all these thoughts about what he really wants and feels, but we can't have that conversation because he shuts it down everytime I bring it up.

I can't live this way. Wanting him and knowing that he's got this list of reasons we can't be a couple and I can't do anything about most of them.

And I think the other guy is nice, but its early and I'm probably trying to move some feelings i have for Jason on to him, which isn't fair to him and certainly not good for any relationship.

And the short explanation is that I am a mess and I tend to mess up my life when I should be enjoying how great things are.

I have a GREAT JOB that allows me to pay all my bills and not stress about cash.

I have three great, healthy kids.

I am smart and attractive and successful and in good health.

So why is it that the men who catch my eye are 75 miles away, broke, and even more full of issues than I am?

Life was so much simpler when I just didn't bother with men, sex, or dating . . . . ..