Ours is not to Question why

A few weeks ago my cousin Nick was in a terrible one person accident. He was speeding, and managed to roll his car several times. In the process he was ejected from the vehicle, broke his neck, half scalped him self, shattered ribs, stopped breathing, and had to be life flighted to Joplin Mo, (yep that Joplin, to the hospital that didn't get blown away).

He spent two weeks sedated and on a ventilator. But once he started to improve, he did so rapidly. He was dismissed from Freeman and sent home with his mom on Christmas eve.

Great story about a Christmas miracle, isn't it?

Except here's the thing. Nick is a terrible human being. He was homeless and living out of that car at the time of the accident. He is a drug addict who was perpetrating break ins and armed robberies to support himself. The car he totaled wasn't even his. He had stolen it from his late father's estate.

Now, aside from the stiff neck brace he needs to wear for a few months until the neck fracture heals, he's better off than before. He's staying with his mother, who has a big screen TV, Cable, internet, food, comfy bed, and is carefully doling out the pain pills.

He has lost some hearing and will probably be able to live the rest of his life on social security. Just what this nation needs, another drug addict living on the government.

Here's what's bugging me.

On the 20 of December a guy I went to high school with was in a terrible car accident. He spent days on life support and in theraputic hypothermia in the ICU in a Kansas City hospital. Today instead of a miracle, his family is planning a funeral.

This man never harmed another person. He was a youth pastor and true man of God. Even in school he was nice and sweet.

Why is a human waste left on the planet to use, abuse and manipulate, and a kind person taken?

I don't understand, and as glad as I am that my family is not planning to bury Nick, or planning his long term care, it pisses me off.

In other great news from my crappy family, my brother Mike is in jail. He probably wont get out for a long time. And my other brother is talking about choosing to hitchhike off into the wild rather than take a job he feels is below him and staying put and paying his child support.

I want a familial redo.

I am

A ball of insecurities, feelings of abandonment, and irrationality.

And I totally blame my horrible, messed up family life!

My mom was a nightmare, if a normal mother is nurturing, she was immersed in a book. If a normal mom was tidy, she was a slob. She didn't cook to nourish us, she cooked as a hobby. She put her hobbies, desires, and interests ahead of anything we wanted or needed. She even pitted us kids against each other. (One time for school shopping she gave me $200 dollars, my brother Tom $100, and Mike $50 - and yes, it caused problems).

When her mental health declined and she had to be hospitalized, I was 11 and left to attempt to feed, clean up after, and supervise my brothers. She returned a drugged zombie with multiple serious health issues - diabetes, lung disease, heart problems, massive, sudden weight gain.

What little bit of a mom she had been was gone. I spent the rest of her life trying to stay out of her way, keep her happy, and dreading the day I would come home, or get up and find her dead. It eventually happened. She died not ten feet from my bedroom door, and there are still times I feel guilty for not being aware she was out there, dying while I slept.

Then there's my father. When we were very young, he and mom smoked an enormous amount of pot. He earned a nursing degree to support his family and discovered that he now had access to demorol, which he stole, used, sold.

Then he left, and was just gone, for years.

But that's ok, mom married an insane, drunken, violent, pedophile, that totally made up for not having my real dad around. The pedophile even came with two kids. I had a sister there for a few years. Her big brothers was a bit too much like his father for me to remember fondly.

Then they were all gone from my life. Lesson: People are temporary, and will hurt you, bad, before leaving.

So, dad eventually came back, plain ole alcoholic now. That was fun. Mom sick, dad drunk. Made for a nice home life.

So, where was my extended family while mom was being crazy and sick and dad was being drunk? They were doing their own thing, much like now.

So, here we are.

I do my best to raise these three boys. I have $93K in student loans, but I have a steady job and income based repayment plan.

My brothers are theives, con artists, users, and loosers.

And my extended family has made them a project over the past year. I don't hear from anyone unless they need my help, didn't get any christmas cards from anyone, and didn't get invited to Christmas events. My brother Mike, who recently finally wore out his welcome with our aunt, got $200 worth of gifts from her.

I realize its completely irrational to feel jealous of my drug addict, thief brothers. But I am.

I have managed to become so self-sufficient that I have almost no one in my life. And the ones I do have in my life, I am afraid to let know how I really feel about them.

So I wine and rant and hope someone will just make it all better. I know that wont work. The problem is me. The problem is that every formative experience in my life has taught me not to trust, not to reveal myself, and to never, ever, trust anyone.

So I hide. Even when I am surrounded by people, I am hidden. I show only what I want them to see. I don't give anyone anything that might be ammunition. And I always steel myself for the worst thing to happen.

The people I envy, the ones with family dinner once a week, loads of friends to get together with through out the week, and siblings they are close to. Those people had different formative life experiences. They had parents who protected them from the monsters of the world and made them feel important and loved. They know how to share of themselves without shattering them selves.

I don't know how to do that. And I don't know how to learn. I know how to offer help. I know how to relate the facts of a situation. I don't know how to do it in a give and take sort of way that results in building a life in which people actually care about me.

So, to finish the title

I am unloved.

He makes me feel like this.

I saw him Monday. Had a great time. Went out for Thai food, rented a couple of movies, danced to the Avett Brothers in his living room.

Wanted to stay longer, but thought the kids were being delivered to me Tuesday, so I rushed back to Iola. Got home, puttered around and then get a call, Ass Hat wants the kids until Wednesday night. I could have spent almost two more days with my lover.

The whole drive home, I was a mixture of happy for having seen him, enjoyed him, gotten to be with him. And sad for the fact that it will likely be several days before I see him again.

I want so badly to have him be a part of my life forever. But I also am afraid to admit it out loud for fear of him rejecting me. And I'm also afraid of getting into a more serious relationship.

I jumped into a relationship with Gideon's biological father, and ended up being used for housing and rides, when I got pregnant he turned into an asshole and left. I then jumped into a marriage with the Ass Hat. I was a single mother to two boys and felt like no man would want me, so I jumped at the first one who showed the slightest interest.

I ended up moving around the country five or six times in a year, being trapped with a volatile personality, and being a participant in criminal behavior. I left with two suitcases and yet another baby.

Now this man, who is as shy about revealing his feeling as I am. Who has floated in and out of my life for over a year and a half. Who has broken up with me and had be break up with him, with the both of us coming back to each other.

My best idea is to move back to pittsburg, so that instead of living an hour and half away from him, I live ten minutes. The idea being we can see more of each other more often.

But is that cowardly? Is that me uprooting my kids yet again?

Am I just an idiot? Am I being played?

I may be an idiot

At what point does one get tired of playing it cool? At what point in a relationship does having plans that seem to fall through at the last minute become less about people having busy lives and more about lack of basic respect?

And what to do about this? Drop the person like a stone? Let them know how it makes you feel?

Is the fact that I feel like I must keep the depth and intensity of my feelings about the whole situation and indication in and of itself that something is wrong with it? Part of it is me, I learned at a very young age to keep my true self well hidden from view. My thoughts on things were often twisted to make fun of me, or used for the amusement of others. (I was too smart and too serious as a child and the grownups found the combination of precocious intellect with naivete to be funny).

Later it was my ex-husband. When we fight still, he brings up things that I told him or he found out when we were together. I told him I was molested at a child, he promptly told as many people as he could the next time we fought. My mom was seriously mentally ill (major depression and borderline personality disorder) and he still waves that family history thing in my face if I'm not all smiles and cooperation.

So here I am at the age of thirty. I want a well rounded life, with work and relationships and hobbies. But the relationships I pursue aren't healthy. I hide behind a facade. The good girl, the feisty girl. If no one ever sees the real me, they can't hurt the real me and the person they reject isn't me so I don't have to take it personally.

Which is great, in the very short term. Small talk and charm and drinks of an evening, I'm great. But then I decide I want someone or something for longer. And all of a sudden the facade I put up initially crashes into who I am and what I truly value.

I am incredibly good at compartmentalization. I can and have met a guy I didn't much care for, but sleep with him anyway. Because that seems like the thing the person I am pretending to be at the moment would do. I'd like to be able to say its been a very long time since I did something like that, but it hasn't more like six months.

I am not blaming myself for the fact that the person I want to be with is acting in a way that feel like is rude. He is choosing to not return calls or text messages.

What I blame myself for is that 1) When I met him I conducted myself in such a way that communicated that I did not value myself. 2) I have allowed him to do this in the past (make plans that were vague and not follow through) and have not called him on it. 3) Being in many ways as naive now as I was as a child. I don't know if its some sort of social skill flaw or lack of character that prevents me from fully thinking and acting like an adult.


of course, the really funny part is that while I was on here composing this page full of self indulgent drival, he called.

He went to a party at his brother's house last night an got pretty drunk. He had family stuff this morning. Then he took a nap. He woke up, saw I had texted, then called me.

My problem number four, is that I tend to over think, take things too personally, and let my suppositions spin out of control.

We talked a bit about Christmas and our plans. He's got two separate events to go to this evening, but is less busy tomorrow. So I'll go up then.

And yes, there comes a point at which this isn't going to work for me anymore, and that point may be getting closer. He is as damaged as I am, it shows in the way he drinks, and he compartmentalizes his life as much as I do. I know this can't go on for ever.

But for now, it does.

Happy Holidays

Yada yadda, I love them and hate them.

Tis the season for over eating, over spending, over sleeping and under exercising. The kids are nuts and constantly bickering. Tonight an epic brawl erupted over bubble wrap, an illegally consumed glass of coolaid, and escalated to punches being exchanged between the four year old and the six year old.

The Gideon drank Noah's cool-aid, so Noah popped Gideon's bubble wrap, Gideon pouted, Noah slugged Gideon and ran, Gideon chased and punched him good in the throat. They both ended up crying like someone had pulled their fingernails out with dull pliers.

And they both got banished. I hate when they get like this. Gideon was grounded to his room for punching his brother, and Noah was grounded to the upstairs TV room for stirring up trouble.

And yes, Noah, the four year old with the huge blue eyes and blonde curls, stirs up more drama than the other two combined. He is smart, and he is relentless when he wants something. It makes for a maddening combination in a small child. He literally cannot be trusted to be alone in a room. Alone and noisy is troublesome, alone a quiet usually means a repair or replacement bill is in my future.

Anyway, work is crazy too. Kids have so much to get finished and most of them are acting like they don't care. I have a 11 grade student who constantly skips class, gets busted with tobacco, is openly sexual with as many boys as she can convince, and oh yeah, foster kid. Just got her third suspension of the semester, after getting booted from her science class for showing up with nothing. Literally, nothing. She doesn't care. She sees no value is the adult world of rules, work, order and logic, and she's pulling as many people down with her as she can.

I don't know weather to pray that we can reach her, or pray that her case workers move her and she's not our issue any more. She was damaged long before I met her. I try to see her future and can't find one. People who were like her when I was in school are all either dead or in prison now, 12 years out. I don't want that for her.

I have a 10th grade student pulling straight F's. Not boarder-line 58 or so, I'm talking 15%, 22%. He just will not work. He messes around, he wanders around. You see him and try to work with him and you just want to sit on him. (no, we do not sit on the students), he's supposed to come in to work with me after school, but I have to hunt him down. That takes 20 minutes or so, and he wont stay past four. So we have just enough time to open the books before he leaves.

Another thing about this time of year that I don't enjoy: Compulsory gifting. Work does an annual white elephant exchange for all teachers, staff, and support personelle. Last year I "forgot" to bring a gift, but I still didn't get out of it. Someone else had extra. I ended up with a tiny four cup coffee maker. And a case of guilt, my intention was not to take from someone else.

So this year I'm going passive agressive. I got a five dollar reusable travel cup, the kind that is styled to look like a carryout mug, but is made to be resued. And I wrapped it in a box, and then put that box in another box. There are a total of four boxed that the person will have to get through before they find the actual present.

Serves them right. I should be able to gracefully opt out if I want to. ITs not that I don't like Christmas, and Its not that I don't believe, I do like Christmas, and I do believe.

But gifting should be a personal, almost intimate act. Gifts are things given to the person to show them you care and to add love, beauty, fun, comfort, or humor to their life. A generic gift in a numbered box to be opened by a random player is not a gift. Its five dollars that I will never see again.

And I sound like scrooge. It must be bedtime. I'm not even going to spell check, because I have a feeling that I have no readers left.

Growl

My ex-husband's new girlfriend had a baby girl today. I can't articulate why that pisses me off. The fact that he made sure to be there in the hospital when she delivered but he couldn't even manage a kind word to me when I delivered. The fact that she already has three, including a daughter, and this is his fifth child, and a little girl.

I love my boys and I love being a mom. I love all the rowdy little boy things I get to do with them and the wonderful little boy imaginings and hugs and kisses I get to enjoy. But in my heart of hearts I have known for a long time that I wanted a girl. Every single pregnancy I wanted it to be a girl (and healthy blah blah blah). Don't get me wrong, I love my sons. But I also wanted a girl.

And he got one.

Of course, the flip side of that is that I am a responsible parent who raises the kids most of the time. He sees them over nights twice a month, it adds up to two nights and four days a month. Not exactly a lot of time. I understood soon after Noah was born that I can handle these three boys, but any more children would probably be too many and had a tubal procedure done.

My little family in as big as it needs to be.

That doesn't mean I don't sometimes pine for a little baby that is all soft and smelling like new life and innocence to hold and love. But I know that that craving doesn't have much to do with the reality of my life, which is stressed, busy, and full.

I am working so hard on being able to be okay. To be away from government assistance and out of debt. To be healthy, limber and fun. To have a work/life balance.

And part of that is trying to distance myself from the anger I still feel towards him. I understand that he is not a material help in their lies, he barely pays child support, he doesn't spend much time with them, and he is unwilling to take any burden from me if I am unable to parent due to illness, stress, or what ever.

But it really, really pisses me off that he seems to want to do that for another woman's children.

I need to let this go. I need to be alright with things. I cannot change his horrible behavior. I can only be glad that I am not longer caught up in his orbit.

I am an Idiot

Seriously, I suck, I suck suck suck suck. I am bad at life. I need to just work, hand my money and my lifestyle wishes over to someone else, and let them run things.

I ran my credit into the ground. It was so bad I couldn't get a checking account, credit card, and forget about a car or house. So I went off grid. No accounts. Cash only.

It sucked. Can't book a flight, can't stay in a hotel, buying things with cash draws the attention of the authorities and nefarious types. Cashing paychecks is a hassle, and some places insist on direct deposite so even employment becomes a problem.

So I stepped up to a prepaid Visa card, the kind you get at walmart. The one I used charged three dollars to load and a three dollar monthly fee. But its accepted at merchants of all sorts without a blink and accepts direct deposit.

But a small card run by a huge international bank has its own problems. Customer service is non-existant, getting refunds or disputing charges takes forever, the process truly seems designed to make people just give up.

And what with having been off the grid, making a decent income, my credit situation improve enough to get a car loan, savings account, and I followed it up with a checking account.

And damnit, I over drew it last month. From what I can see, I failed to write down three transactions totaling less than fifty dollars total. It looks like the damage to me will be 500 dollars. I'm going to try to sweetly talk that down tomorrow.

I am so mad at myself. I am an intelligent person. I have two master's degrees. I guide troubled and challenged children. I raise children. And I can't even keep from over shooting a budget.

Growl, just grr, just ugh, I can't even explain. Why am I so irresponsible? How am I so irresponsible?

A couple of weeks ago I ran some numbers and it seemed like I could remove 500 from my monthly budget, put it in savings, and not even miss it.

Well, now, ten days before freaking christmas, I guess I am going to find out.

So freaking mad.

Shame me, call me names, throw rotten fruit at me. Just do something to force me to stop being such a fuck up.

Not always about me

I am a selfish, self-centered person. I tend to get sad and lonely when I don't have a lot of contact with other people than my sons. My own children are very dear to me and love me very much, but the constant neediness drains me, even more than their affections fills me.

I get stuck inside my own head where everything can be distorted, distracted and confused. I don't know why I do this. I'm either perfectly normal, or I'm bi-polar. Who can say?

My cousin, Nick, is very seriously hurt. He has multiple rib fractures, fluid collecting on his lungs, skull fractures, Cerebral-spinal fluid leaking from his nose and ears, broken bones in his face, a C1 spinal fracture and brain tissue bruising and tearing. They tried to wean him from sedation and he became unmanagable. They tried to wean him from the ventilator and he didn't breath on his own, so for now he's still sedated and still on the vent. He has chest tubes in place to pull the fluid from his lungs.

I know enough about the human body to know that any one of these things is bad news. I don't know how to calculate his chances with all of these. I tried looking them up, but can't get very far. I don't think he'll ever be the same, if he lives.

I keep trying to distance myself from the worry and grief, but then I get a text update and get teary again. I try to focus work and homework and can't.

Speaking of homework, I've seriously blown it this semester. I'm gonna cobble together something, but its gonna be bullshit. I don't know why I've blown this off. Work too, has this self directed staff development that I haven't been doing. I think as much as I enjoy being a teacher, I am tired of being a scholar. If that makes any sense.

I've also decided that I am going to apply for work back in Pittsburg. I like teaching, I don't like this being an over blown para with no power to affect anything my students experience. I really don't like living in a one grocery store town over an hour away from everyone I care about, where there are no rental houses even available that aren't just slums.

As of now there are three positions in special education I can apply for next year. I have a feeling there will be more as time progresses. For the past three or four years teachers who were going to retire haven't because of the economy, but now the state is getting hinky with the pensions and the economy is starting to slowly perk up, people are retiring, moving, having babies to stay home with, again.

I tried to be slow and rational about the choice. But even if Jason and I don't go anywhere relationship-wise, Pittsburg still has cheaper groceries, more and better quality housing options, better parks, better rec programs, and a more economically diverse population (here is poor people and the few professionals still left in town, 70% free lunches in the schools), better services for my kids, more and better options for childcare.

And I like it. I like being near the college. I like being a short hop-skip-jump from either shopping and dinning in Joplin or from my friends and family who are in Pittsburg, Joplin, or Parsons.

So, I'm going to apply. I am going to graciously accept what happens after that. For now, I will continue to try to do a decent job under these weird circumstances. I will pay my bills and save my pennies.

Stalked by misfortune or blessed?

This hasn't been a great season for people who know me. The paranoid, pattern seeking part of my brains wants to think its all tied together. The rational part of my brain wants to point out that the more interconnected one is with others, the more tragedies one is aware of. What ever the true cause, one thing is clear and that is that people around me seem to be suffering.

My neighbor with the heart condition died. He was a nice man with a family that loved him. Yes, he was old, but he is still missed. His absence creates a huge hole in the lives of his wife, children, grands, and great grands I'm sure.

Jason's baby niece died. She was born with left-side hypoplastic syndrome, basically the left side of her heart was malformed. The internet says most kids with this condition have a 75% survival rate. She went through 8 surgical, spent her entire life in a intensive care unit, and died. She was a beautiful, happy looking infant.

My dad needs two surgeries. A shoulder surgery and a neural surgery on his neck and spine. The shoulder surgery will happen soon, but he has to wait for the ok from his insurance company and then get it scheduled. He will try to put off the other one, but a crushed vertebra in his neck is causing him to have numbness and loss of function in his hands, I can't see how that's a good thing. He's not a young guy anymore. I don't like to think of him as becoming frail or medically fragile, but it seems to be happening. Bad things can happen during surgery.

And then there is my cousin, Nick. He's a few years younger than me. He and my brothers have always been the terrible threesome, getting each other into trouble since they were in the crib. This morning he was in a horrible car accident. He managed to flip the car end over end at least three times, was ejected. They flew him to Freeman in Joplin mo. He's got broken ribs, brain swelling, a C-1 spinal fracture, and they had to sew his face and scalp back together. Right now he's sedated and on a ventelator. I have a cold feeling that he wont ever get off. But the family will know more when the swelling in his head goes down and when they can get better images of his neck. (A displaced C-1 fracture means he'll be a quadrapalegic for the rest of his life, if he lives).

I've seen the pictures of the car. I want him to live and be fine. He's like a little brother to me. He has a son and he had his issues with drugs and alcohol, but he's got a decent spirit that has always struggled to shine through the issues. I don't want his son to be without a dad and I don't want to bury him, we buried his dad less than a year ago.

But I don't think he'll ever be ok again, and I'm not sure he'd want to be a so severely crippled his whole life. I've been torn all day between waiting to see and packing up the kids and driving to Joplin.

Then there's Noah. He was feverish Friday and I kept him home from school. Figured he has a virus, had him rest all weekend, sent him back Monday even though he still seemed a little off. Monday evening after school he fell asleep playing. This in and of itself isn't unusual for him. He plays hard and conks out. He also has a bad habit of sitting up at night (he inherited it from me) so he ends up tired during the day.

Anyway

When he woke up he was hysterical. Screaming that his leg hurt and he couldn't walk. I carried him downstairs and had him show me what hurt, he pointed to his inner thing near his groin. I though he had a hernia, or a hydrocele, or referred pain from appenticitis. Took him to the emergency room (had to carry him to the car and from the car to the emergency room)

Doctor looked him over, not any of my guesses. He has a cat scratch on the top of his foot that had healed over the top but abcessed internally. This caused swelling and lymphatic fluid retention in his leg, which lead to pain in his groin. He's on high powered antibiotics and I feel like an idiot.

What kind of mom doesn't notice her son has an infected foot? He stayed home today and I had him rest and keep the foot elevated. He napped for several hours and woke up a lot perkier than he has been. Still running a low grade fever though and still not tolerating anything touching his foot. I'm keeping him home again tomorrow, I could probably get away with sending him to school or daycare, but he's not 100% better and I was so off about why he was sick I feel like I need to watch him closer.

So, I count four horrible things. Four. They started distant, the niece I've never met of my boyfriend I don't see often enough, the neighbor I make small talk with over his back fence, my dad in TN, my cousin, my son.

Bad luck? Curse? Over analysis run amok?

I don't have the answer to that. I do know that it wears a person down. I do know that I'm praying hard for my cousin and his family, for my dad and his doctors, for my son, for the baby's parents, for my neighbor's wife and family. But I don't know if my prayers are enough to keep the tragedy away.

And its gotten super cold all of a sudden. I don't know why that seems significant, but it does.

Sick Day

I can go to work pretty sick. I medicate. I grin and bear it, and fake my way through it.

My kids can't. Well, Isaiah probably could, but he spent the other night puking and was queasy and tender Thursday, so he stayed home then and again today. Noah has a fever that makes him clingy and cranky. Gideon is also feverish and irritable. So, after I worked sick two days, I'm still missing work this week.

The ironic thing is that I made the desicion to keep them home yesterday evening. Now they are all rough housing upstairs. Oh well, I tried.

Being home all day, I have time on my hands. Not always a safe thing. I've been doing some deep thinking about my presnt, my past, and my future. And my goals.

I've made so many mistakes in the past, I could write a "what not to do in life" book. Financially, I was horrible. When I was a child, money wasn't talked about other than that we were poor and couldn't afford a lot of eating out, trendy clothes, vacations or expensive toys. We had food, clothes, toys and fun, just modest ones.

When I was a teen and started working, I pretty much was free to spend as much as I made. I saved up for a car because I wanted one. When I got it, I paid my own insurance, gas, and upkeep. I got credit cards because they sent me offers and I filled them out and sent them back.

By the time mom died I was working part time, going to college on grants and loans, and getting VA money. My monthly income was $1400, the state paid my daycare and I had food stamps. I also had no savings. I contributed to some groceries at home, but mostly I just blew through it.

On what? I have no idea. Junk food (I had horrible eating habits) books, clothes, food, music. Who knows. I didn't save any of it. Then mom died. Dad didn't have a job, my youngest brother was in foster care, and we were going to loose the house.

I can blame grief, and ignorance, but its my name on everything. I bought a mobile home, put it on a rented lot and tried to use my income to pay lot rent, car payment, mortgage, food, gas ect for myself, Isaiah, dad, Mike, and eventually, Tom and his girlfriend. I couldn't do it. Dad was supposed to work, but everything he made went to booze, the guys ate up all the food, and I couldn't cover the utility bills.

I gave up and moved to low income housing in Pittsburg. My aunt, who had cosigned the house (because the bank knew what I didn't) was left to deal with the home. She got it sold and paid off and told me not to worry about it. She's a much better person than I give her credit for sometimes.

Anyway, I had a lot of bills that I just didn't pay. Even up until two or three years ago, if something came in the mail and it wasn't a matter of the power or phone getting shut off, I'd toss it away.

So part of setting any goals for myself has to include addressing that. So I pulled my credit reports from free annual credit report.

I have three judgments on my report - two are paid in full. The other is a car that was repossessed. I have several accounts from cell phone carried, cable providers and doctors that are in collections. And a couple of credit cards.

The accounts on the different reports aren't all the same, but it looks like around three to five thousand dollars. I think if I stick to a monthly budget and focus on getting out of debt that I can get it paid off in a year or 18 months. I know that wont make my credit rating perfect right away. But it has to help.

That leaves the $85K or so I have in student loans. Thanks to a merciful repayment programs I can tie my payments to my income. Right now they will be about $60 a month. If my income goes drastically up or down, they will be readjusted. I don't know how that will affect my credit. But if I pay on time for ten years they cancel, I think they may cancel sooner because I teach in a high need, low income area. I'm locked in to the consolidated income based repayment, the cancellations may go away based on legislation, so I don't want to count on it.

So, why is this important to me? I'm pretty comfortable right now. I spend everything that I make. We eat and play well and have more media, computer, phone, movies ect than anyone needs. The kids and I have clothes, bedding, and toys.

But I waste an incredible amount of money on crap the I don't end up getting any real value for.

I live in a rented home that is ugly, poorly maintained, and inefficient. I want to be able to buy a house. Not for an investment, but for a place that's mine that I can alter at I see fit.

I want to be able to be the kind of person that makes plans further than 30 days in the future. That means being able to save money, stick with a budget, put off immediate gratification, and make priorities to make that happen.

Its like I'm transitioning from a purely survival mode, to a more middle class, long range planning mindset. In another post I'm going to enter my spending and income for the month of November. Its an odd month because I spent 225 on holiday food (Thanksgiving roast and Christmas cookies), 600 on setting up new phone services (split between two pay periods, but the same month), and 400 on Christmas presents. All the other bills are paid and gorceries comfortably bought. So there's definitely room to start paying towards old bills and establishing a real savings.

I don't know if Iola, Kansas is where I'll eventually settle and buy a dream house. I like my job, but I don't know if its my forever job. But I want to be able to buy a house when I know its right.

Disconnected

Been feeling cut off lately. I don't know if its the holidays, or how busy I am, but I just feel outside of things that normal people care about here lately.

Thanksgiving was good and bad. I made a gluten free meal with my cousin at here mom's house. The way her kids appreciated that someone had gone to the trouble to make sure they could eat everything there felt great. The way my brothers stood me up felt awful. Mike's been staying with another aunt and choose to go to her celebration, he was just in jail all week so he couldn't tell me that. Tom said he was going to have to work that day, then said he would be coming that morning, then told me he didn't need a ride when I offered him one, then didn't show up. Later he wanted me to bring him leftovers. By then I was already back in Iola. The next day he was calling me trash and all kinds of stuff on facebook. I know its a reflection on him, not me, but it still hurts.

Jason's baby niece passed away the day after thanksgiving. He's upset and blue, understandably. He also told me not to come to the funeral. Without going into nauseating detail, let me just say that I feel like he shuts me out of his life. He'll hang out with me, he'll let his son hang out with my kids and we all do things together. We can hang out alone at his house or go together to the casino or the bar. But anything that might involve me interacting with his relatives is completely out. People he claims he doesn't like and no one in his family likes seem to be more involved and in the know than I am.

I know that this is an emotional time for him, and that weather he's pulling back or excluding me or not, this event is not the one to raise a fuss about over. I know that grief makes people react in ways that aren't always the best reflection of themselves. So I'm doing my best to pray and be patient and remember that when my mother died I was literally crazy for months. The loss of an infant . . . is bad.

I might also be jealous of the whole family thing. I celebrated TG with my aunt, but she's not my mom. Jason has two parents, brothers, a sister, cousins, and grandparents. They all get together on a fairly regular basis, birthdays, weekly dinners, I wish I had that in my life.

I also know that attending the funeral for an infant I never met because I'm the girlfriend of her uncle is a little weird. So, I prayed for the whole family and went to work.

My neighbor also died. He was in the hospital for a while but was sent home three weeks ago. I think it was hospice care. He passed sometime in the last few days, I don't know when, but his funeral was today. Again, didn't go. Didn't know until after the fact.

I'll miss Bill, he was a good neighbor to have. Now he's gone, I'm sure his wife won't be next door for long, she has trouble physically getting around and depended on him for quite a bit of help. I'll miss them both.

Part of all this is that I was never trained in proper social skills. There are rules about what you say to people when someone died, but you aren't particularly close to them or the person who passed. There are rules about dealing with brothers who act like idiots during the holidays. But I was raised by crazy, alcoholic, drug addled people, and they didn't teach me those things and now I am this overly analytical, overly literal mess about most things.

Seriously, If you ask me how thanksgiving was, I'll tell you the truth, my brother didn't show up and then called me names in public. If I'm sick and you ask me "how's it going" I'll tell you I'm a little sick.

I know I'm creating my own angst here. And to be honest, I wonder if I'm not doing it on purpose. I should be happy. I have the job I always wanted. I make enough money to comfortably pay my bills and have enough left to treat my kids. I opporated on crisis mode for years, and put off my current happiness in favor of how much better things would be in the future.

But now I've achieved a lot of the things I was aiming for. I have a good job that pays well. I work in a collegial environment. I feel respected at work, and work with people I respect. Life isn't perfect. Isaiah is having issues with school, he doesn't do his work and lies to me about it, lies to his teachers ect.

But in general, life should be good. Yet I still feel . . . off. I know these are my issues. I just don't know how to fix it. I am trying to seperate my issues from actual reality, and trying very hard not to take them all out on other people.

And I really hope no one I know dies for a while. I don't like that at all.

Large and in charge

Yeah I dont know what it means either. But its fun to say. Like "waffles". That's another fun word. Today was probably longer and busier than any Saturday has a reason to be. First I had Saturday school duty. Which is plain boffing and half the kids didnt bother to show. I let them go a few minutes early and rushed to the bank. My main pay check gets auto deposited but I do extra duty at school that the local districts pays on a separate check. I barely

Are it before they closed .

Then it was back home. In four hours the boys had managed to trash the living room, scatter laundry all over the place, and spill cereal in the kitchen. To say that I was irritated is a bit of an understatement.

Decided to gather to kids up and head to Parsons. I visited my cousin, Opal and planned Thanksgiving with her. She also gave me some gluten-free flour to do the baking with. Her kids have celiac and we are planning to make a feast that is completely safe for them. To be honest, I don't understand why its taken so long to do this for them. It isn't that hard to make gluten free meals. We are making roast prime rib for the meat, with mashed taters, salad, sweet taters and pies (the crusts being made with the gluten-free flour).

I also wanted to see my brothers. I wanted to catch up a little and make sure they would come to Thanksgiving, but Tom was getting another tattoo and Mike was in jail for the weekend. (I don't know why exactly he was in there for the weekend, but it was something arranged with the court. He's unemployed and living with my aunt, I don't understand why he can't just serve all his time and be done with it, to be honest the idea of letting people serve over the weekend really pisses me off, defeats the whole purpose of jail).

Got home, went shopping for feasting supplies (more expensive than I thought it would be for sure) and made a test crust with the gluten-free flour. It turned out nice, flakey and buttery. Once again, I can't understand why this family hasn't made making sure the girls can participate in special occasions a priority. It kinda pisses me off. They aren't even my kids and its important to me. Mary is 11 and is excited she finally gets to try pumpkin pie.

Anyway.

I have done as much christmas shopping as I can on this pay check. The rest is going to have to wait until next month.

I got Isaiah some nice clothes, a book, and a video game. He's obcessed with transformers, but its from a collectables angle, not an "I want to play with these angle" and I am not paying those prices for used toys. Last week it was Dragon ball Z, the week before it was clothing.

I also ordered clothes for the little boys. Isaiah got land's end stuff on clearance. The little dudes got walmart clothes. I figure Isaiah won't destroy his clothing and can hand down the good stuff. Noah and Gideon destroy or stain everything.

On the one hand, I want to be that mom that gives over the top gifts for all occasions. On the other hand, I know that isn't the kind of values I want to teach the boys. This year I am also hosting a cookie party for my sons, my cousin's kids, my niece and some kids my guys know. I'm baking and freezing a couple of batches of cookies a week. At the party each kiddo will have a dozen cookies to decorate and take home. I'm baking several gluten free varieties. I'm also going to send some and gift some cookies.

Anyway, that's whats going on here. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.

It's not you it's me

I have neglected this blog. I blame the iPhone and my own lack of free time. I am so busy that by the time things are calm enough for me to write I'm too tired to think coherently and end up deleting what I just wrote. I am well. The boys are growing like weeds.

You know what?

Neither do I.

I feel like I've lost my brain here lately. I used to be this hyper focused person. I could do school, work, and kids no problem. But now its different. Now its not just temporary until . . . , its life. When its life, its harder to accept the imbalance. I also have friends, distant family, brothers, boyfriend, bills, and hobbies thrown into the mix. And work is highly complicated, the paperwork pays the bills, the working with the kids is how we get results, and teaching is what I love to do.

Sometimes I let the paperwork slide in order to spend more time with kids and teaching. And then I get a verbal spanking, like today, totally my own fault.

I am using the iphone as a traveling organizer, amongst other things. TO be honest, I've almost filled it already, I got the 8Gig model, but I am moving some music back off, and once the pictures and videos are on a hard drive, I delete them from the phone. I may also reduce the apps. I love the free apps. Google translate is fun, but hardly something I need to carry with me. The same can be said for the red laser scanner. And all the free e-text books. Or the free kindle books. I think one book at a time is fine.

Anyway, the organizer aspect is great. I put todo lists with alarms that will go off at my planning period. As new tasks come up, such as meeting notices and things upcoming to deal with, I can enter them into the calender and set an alarm and due date for them. Hopefully as the system stabalizers I'll have fewer issues with forgetting to have done something.

The kids are great. I take for granted how healthy and great they are. My cousin, Opal's, kids all have pretty serious issues. Mary and Laurie both have Celiac, Mary is diabetic, and Hunter is autistic. My other cousin, Autem's, daughter has issues with her being able to urinate. Autem's sister, Amber's, twins were born early and the girl has struggled with breathing, swallowing, and growth issues. She's fine now, but there for a few months, they were afraid they would lose her. Jason's Neice is six months old, she's been in the hospital since she was born with heart flaws. They did a surgery Friday to try to do a final repair. If things had gone right, she would have been able to recover and finally go home. But things didn't go well, her heart was too weak for that. She is on a heart-lung bypass machine and her parents have to decide to take her off or try for a transplant.

My kids are healthy aside from occasional ailments. No malformations, major disabilities, suregies, or health scares. Sometimes they seem to run from one thing that will kill or maim them to another, but I think that may be fairly normal.

I've been having arthitis issues. They never really went away, but they were tolerable and I had figured out how to work around or through them. But lately its gotten worse. I went back to the doctor after the stiffness in my hand caused me to close my own finger in the door. The medicine she gave me works pretty well. I take it once a day, at night, and it supresses inflammation. IT takes care of the minor stiffness and achiness that I had gotten used to. But it didn't even begin to touch the excruciating pain in the fingers of my right hand. That has been getting steadily worse, even since the new medication. Its so bad I can't grip a pen in order to write legible. Its painful to bend or flex my fingers, pulling on something, such as a door or to lift a bag, is also painful.

I called back today and ended up with another medication that I can take on top of the first if I need to. I tried some this evening, and it did a nice job. Its not horrible, but its still there, and I don't feel drugged or sedated.

I also have to go in Friday for labs. I think they are going to run the Rhumatoid tests again. One the one hand, I am glad that something positive is happening, but on the other I really don't want the medical bills or to be one of those people who's got to take meds, and who's body isn't as whole and pain-free as it looks.

I don't want to become someone who's talking about how much it hurts or what they take for meds or how many doctors they have to visit.

I got an iphone

I upgraded from a craptastic prepaid phone this weekend. I am really liking it. I got the cheaper one. Not the newest version. I loaded up my songs and got a bunch of free apps. I've also drained the battery and recharged a couple of times.

I'm also sick. Nasty upper respiratory infection including my eyes again. It started as a cold a d rolled downhill from there. I tried to tough it out but today it's just bad so I dug out some old antibiotics and loaded up. It's been a few hours and I still feel like my heAd is full and

Y eyes are red and goopy. Unless I am hundreds of times better tomorrow I'm not going to school Monday.

I hate the way I feel when I'm sick like this. I hate how I have no energy to play with my kids or do anything with them . I hate how my eyes swell and run . I know I will hate next months medical bills.

Three in one day?

So I guess Isaiah is having a hard time here lately. It sucks to be the oldest child of a single mom who works about 45 hours a week and then hauls kids to evening activities like scouts and youth group. It also sucks to be the oldest child of a foolish man who's current girlfriend is about to give birth to his fifth child. It sucks when his dad is planning to move to Maine in the spring, especially when said dad is pressuring him to move with him, and his mom has stated that she will not allow this to happen.

I suppose I could have done something differently. I have repeatedly, calmly and unapologetically, told Isaiah and his father that I will not consent to Isaiah moving to Maine with his father this spring. Shane has been in and out of Isaiah's life repeatedly, he has a history of unstable romantic relationships, and unstable employment. Also, its over a thousand miles away from me and his brothers. I'm not okay with it.

But I guess that ASS HAT doesn't share my view and has been selling Maine everytime he sees Isaiah. I guess its a lot of pressure.

Isaiah has been surely here with me and his brothers. Not outright violent, but he gets this nasty tone in his voice that makes the little boys cringe. He's also got this great passive-aggressive way of not actually doing what he's been told to do. He does at it. He gets distracted, he takes his brothers upstairs to play, the dryer malfunctions and somehow . .. the chore is undone hours after it was assigned.

Today, I guess things boiled over for him at school. He was in three separate fights at school. He claims these kids were or have been picking on him and they get away with it. I know that at least two of these kids are kids he's been pals with. The other kid is a kid who he has never mentioned, and he tends to mention the ones he is friends with and the ones that bug him.

I spoke with his assistance principal and he will be in CSR (In School Suspension) for the next two days. He Is grounded for a week at home and on heavy chores. Except I will let him go to youth group tomorrow. Maybe a little talking to God will help him calm down.

I don't know if I can or have done anything to make this better. I can't make it March already so that his dad will move or not and I can't make his dad quit pressing him to move with him. I won't change my mind about him going either. I love my son. He is a joy and has been since he was born. I know being 13 is hard. I know being my kid is even harder. But I don't know what I could do differently.

My little Zombies

When I was a kid we always made out halloween costumes. They were thrown together, hard to determine what it actually is, falling apart messes. They were great! Today, most costumes are elaborate, shiney, and designed to be costumes. They look great. But they aren't as halloweeny.

Halloween is supposed to be about looking at something you see every day and seeing something different. Its about letting yourself be open to unusual possibilities that you normally wouldn't.

I have a point, and its that I don't buy store manufactured costumes for my kids.Isaiah put together a mafia outfit with his black trench coat, slacks, nice shirt and clip on tie and I made the boys' faces like zombies and put them in old hoodies and jeans.

And they hauled in more loot than they ever have. My oldest went out with some friends and we made a don't ask, don't tell agreement. I don't ask him where he was on Halloween night and he doesn't tell me anything that will get him grounded.

Top Secret

Okay, I'm a bad blogger, its been over a week.

Here's the skinny: Last week was the end of the academic quarter, a time marked with extra work, extra meetings, parent teacher conferences, and scrambling to get progress reports out.

I hate the way my administration does parent teacher conferences. Instead of the parents coming to the teacher's classrooms, they teachers all gather in the commons or the library. Which means seven hours waiting in an big, echoy room for parents to come. Over two days, one four hours and the other eight hours, I spoke with six sets of parents.

six.

In the mean time, I was away from my room and any material work I could be doing. All of what I do for the IEPs is web based. And because I don't merit a school laptop, I don't get to have access to the school wifi.

And yet there were probably 8 people who did have school computers on hand, and who were playing on them. "Oh cute shoes"

Really.

I can't use a computer of mine to work on, but they can use a school computer, out in public where any parent could see, to play.

Its inhumane to have a person sit in one spot for that long anyway.

Oh, and when I left to go to ISaiah's conferences, I got there five after four and all of the middle school teachers were gone. I had to stay in the building from eight to eight, but they were gone at four. That honestly pisses me off.

Anyway, had Friday off, used it to be lazy after the rediculously long Thursday.

Saturday I puttered around and then in the evening, Jason and his son came over. The kids played and Jason and I rented a movie and stayed up too late. I wish I could spend more time with them.

Sunday it was get up, get ready, and go see my aunt, who had put together and family to-do for my gramma's sister and husband of the sister, plus the sister's daughter (my cousin) and the daugher's son.

I guess after two generations of single children, you look pretty far and wide for relatives for the kiddo to play with. He was a complete ass to Gideon, who spent most of the visit looking for frogs and being alone because the bigger boys were teasing him. The cousin, my cousin, is ten years older than me and as bland as I remember her from the one time I saw her as a little girl. The great aunt was a bit snooty towards me.

All I can say is that if you are in your 60s and are going to take every little thing you read on facebook personally, then you shouldn't have facebook.

My cousin brought over her six month old twins and I got to see opal and visit with my aunts, uncle Eddy, and Grampa a bit. It was nice. Itwas crowded, exhausting, and loud, but it was also nice. WE hauled home a bunch of left overs. Ramen slaw, roasted sweet potatoes, corn relish, baked ham and mixed fruit. HELLO dinner.

I'm 30 years old, I have a well paid job, and I still love getting free food.

Jason and I were talking last week and we are trying to start an internet business. So far we've spent money on web hosting and site building. I made a facebook page, jason knows an accountant who will file papers for us and let us pay him when we start generating an income.

Its either going to flop and go nowhere, or we are going to make a boatload of cash. I'm not sure what I would do if that happened. I'm a clock puncher.

The business is silly, it sounds sleazey, but its legal and it works. We are going to offer credit repair services. The clients will purchase a one year membership in our newsletter, and we will provide positive payment feedback to the credit bureaus. We can also produce a credit report with numerical score. I'll put together a monthly newsletter with tips like how to dispute errors on the report and what to say to bill collectors.

There are a few other companies on line that offer similar services for twice what we are planning on charging.

I promise, its legal and we aren't out much cash if it fails. I'll let everyone know when the site is ready to launch. Like I said, I know its silly . . . but so was Walmart with it started. And lets face it, this world is run by banks and credit, and if yours is bad, your life is harder.

I've been working on making mine better, its hard. I'm sure a monthly letter encouraging me to not apply for new credit, to pay off my bills on time, and telling me how to deal with collectors would have been nice. And thirty bucks a month, that's less than people spend on cable.

Anyway, that's what's going on. Hope all is well.

This is Why I Worry About Humanity

Modern farms often keep animals in large barns with concrete floors. All the waste gets washed into a pit where it collects until it is pumped out. The manure is spread on fields for fertilizer.

One day a farmer found the need to jump into the pit. Maybe he needed to hook up the pumping equipment or maybe there was a problem with the drain.

After a few minutes, the man collapsed into the muck and didn't move. Concerned, his hired hand jumped into save him. The hired hand also collapsed with no warning. The farmer had two daughters who helped with the farm work. They too jumped in and died. As did the man's wife.

Before I tell you what was killing them, let me ask you, if you had watched two, three, or four healthy adults die, would you follow them into the pit?

Even if they didn't know that decomposing manure puts off a colorless, odorless gas called Methane. Why jump in after them?

Even if they didn't know that Methane is denser than normal atmospheric gases and would displace the normal air, which is nitrogen, oxygen and carbon dioxide, why jump into a pit that had just killed people?

Even if they didn't realize that our drive to breath is not driven by lack of Oxygen in the blood, but by the concentration of Carbon Dioxide, which is a waste gas, and that breathing in and out methane would clear the Carbon Dioxide so that the victim wouldn't have felt like they were suffocating, WHY JUMP IN THE PIT?

Why? Because people are not rational. Instead of calling 911 and fishing the first and second victims out with a hook, the farmer's daughters jumped in to save their dad, and died too.

This is my little contribution. If you see that someone in front of you dies with no explanation, call for help before you jump in the pit. If you spend time in a manure pit, turn on a fan first.

Conversations with Gideon

My middle child, Gideon, is a unique person. He's sensitive and has a turbulent personality that is either sunny or thundersome. He is perceptive and honest. If he likes you, he loves you. If he doesn't like you, he doesn't want a thing to do with you.

This morning while I was getting socks and shoes gathered up he asked me two very profound questions. It seems like with kids, the profound questions always show up in the most ordinary moments.

First he asked: Why don't we live with my daddy?

(His biological father is named Travis. He does not have contact with him. He visits the ASSHAT with the other two boys when they go for visits and thinks the ASSHAT is his father. I realize that this situation is somewhat dishonest and will eventually bite me in my own ass, but for the time being, I have no ready solution)

I answered: You daddy and I didn't get along very well with each other and were mean to each other, its better that we live apart so everyone can be happy.

He said ok and pondered his feet for a minute and then asked: Why don't we have a dad person to live with us?

(Many of the people in his life who aren't me are paired up and living with a significant other.)

I answered: There are a lot of mean people in the world, and I don't want just any old mean person to live with us, so I'm waiting and making sure that the nicest, coolest, bestest person lives with us to be the daddy.

HE seemed ok with that answer too.

Then he asked: Will N-----'s dad move in and be the daddy? Jason is the kid's dad. Jason spends some weekends with us and we all have a great time. Its homey and boring and exciting all at the same time.

I answered: Jason has a job and a house and things he has to take care of and he needs to make sure everything is ok before he moves in with anyone. I like Jason an awful lot, but I don't know if he's going to ever move in with us or not.

I have no idea if these questions and my answers were at all ok. But I did my best.

I almost Took it Back

today at work one of our paras announced she had decided she needed to be a stay at home mom and put in her notice. What with school being in full swing, this isn't what anyone wanted to hear, and she's one of our best paras. She's supportive of school policies, she shows up, she helps the kids without doing the work for them. I guess her husband makes enough money that she can afford to stay home, and her wage barely covers the cost of having the baby in daycare.

Hiring another para will take a while. The last one we needed was three weeks start to finish.

Jason has been looking for steady work for over two years. He was laid off in 2008, and has been back to school and hired, laid off and put to part time in several positions. At the moment he's working for an HVAC contractor, most days he shows up and get sent home after a couple of hours. Working outside and in people's homes is a lot different from being a para in a high school inclusion program. But I told him about the position.

And I am sort of wondering if I should have. I don't want him or anyone, to apply if they don't want to. Its a job that you shouldn't be in if you don't feel like you need to be there. And it would be really weird for him to be working where I work, with me being in a supervisory position in relation to him. And he'd have to move here, which would probably mean moving in.

But the guy's been looking for work for so long. And I think we need a male in our program. We have one male Special education teacher of four. We have six paras, none male. But most students with IEPs are male, and some of our kids just respond better to a guy, and the only men they see are just horrible examples. We need a dude.

I know that's completely sexist of me. One should not hire based on gender. And one should probably not direct one's boyfriend to a job in their company.

And I did both. He's free to apply or not. If he decides to apply and interviews, I will offer him as much or as little insight as he wants. But I'm going to stay out of it.

I really hope this doesn't bite me in the ass.

Funny

I'm thirty years old, and pretty much okay with that fact. I have been a mother since I was 17. I have been responsible for getting myself up, ready to go, and getting my brothers ready as well, since I was 11. I have driven and moved across the country multiple times. I have attained multiple college degrees and manages to raise three children up to the ages of 13, 6, and 3.

And yet when I call my dad to ask him how to deal with my son giving me crap about having a boyfriend over, my dad's first action is to look the man up on facebook and then ask me who he is, what he does and how long we've been an item.

I think its funny. He moves across the country away from me, but he doesn't quite trust who I date.

So anyway, Jason and I are on for now. If I worry about "where things are going" and what "the future of us" is, I don't enjoy the now. Truth is I care about the man and that I'm calmer and happier when he's in my life. The other truth is that we both have busy lives and families and life is too long.

Life is too long to jump into a situation as complicated as living together, life is also too long to just not be with someone who makes you calm and happy and who seems to bring out the best in you while you bring out the best in him. So why worry about it? Why go back and forth about what this or that means when the truth is that I am impatient and as guilty as he is about sending mixed signals about what I wanted, like just not staying in contact or making time to be available to him (those things go both ways).

He spent last weekend with me. He's spent weekends with me that did not center around sex or partying. He keeps me up to date on what's going on with him life and he's spent time with my kids and his kid all together.

He's probably coming over next weekend, and I'm looking forward to it. There's a battle of the bands this Saturday that should be a lot of fun. Other than that, we gonna hang out, get silly, go yard saling and maybe clean my carpets upstairs.

I never claimed to be exciting all the time.

Empty

This past weekend was a fun one. It was homecoming week so school got out a bit early Friday evening to accomodate a homecoming parade. The pre- and grade schools let out and walked the kids up to the square to watch it, so I picked up my dudes there as well. Isaiah marched in the parade, looked very handsome and serious with his baratone. He was too cool to wave at mommy though.

Got home, cleaned up a little, ate some dinner and waited. Jason brought his son and we all went to the homecoming game together. Isaiah roamed around with some friends and the little boys played catch with toy footballs that were given away at the game. I got hit in the face with a teeshirt launcher. After that I ducked any time projectiles came out.

Its fun to watch our sons play together. Jason's son is right between Noah and Gideon in age. They look like a matched set when they are all together. The game ended late and it was after ten when we all got back to my house, almost eleven thirty when the boys went to bed. Jason and I had a great night.

Saturday the kids got up way to early, but they played and ate cereal and played some more. Jason hung out and watched me do laundry and clean up. He fixed my vacuum and helped me do the kitchen and livingroom. I felt bad for him coming over and cleaning, but he volunteered so I guess I shouldn't feel too bad.

Saturday evening we all drove out to some land I know and fished and shot a few fireworks. Not a lot of fireworks, because it is so dry. It was so nice. If I had the money, I'd buy the land and live out there. I'm also toying with the idea of buying an old RV and just rambling around all summer.

One the way home there were the dreaded flashing lights in the rearview mirror. I have a tail light out. I got off with a verbal warning, but while I was looking for my ID and insurance cards I noticed that an uncashed childsupport check was missing.

Got home, cleaned out the car, sorted through every scarp of paper in it, in the purse, in the house, all of it. It was nowhere to be found. But the stub was. So I can call and report it lost and get it replaced.

During this whole thing, I'm freaking out, trying to not snap at anyone, and looking around like mad. And Jason is just being calm and helping me look and asking me if he can help. We didn't find it, but it was so nice to have him there, being helpful and supportive.

I guess that's what its like to have a partner. It was nice. Its nice to sleep beside him and its nice to get up and fix breakfast for everyone. Its nice to have him fix my vacuum and then move the recliner so I can vacuum under it.

But its also kinda nice for him to go home and let me have my space too. I'm not trying to read more or less into our relationship than there is, I'm no good at being in a relationship that isn't unhealthy and warped. I don't know what normal is for two adults with jobs, lives, and kids who live 70 miles apart.

But what ever this is, I like it.

Parenting - I suck at it

I love my kids. I mean it, I LOVE them. I would kill, die or go into hiding to save them from harm or protect them from pain.

But they are driving me insane. And I am at a loss as to how to short circuit the issues.

First there's Noah, he's cute, he's loving, he's affectionate. And if he isn't getting his way, perfectly happy, wonderfully rested, and completely entertained, he whines constantly. I mean constantly. I can't get him to stop. I can't get him to refocus and if I don't give him what ever it is he wants (undivided attention, candy and my lap) he only gets louder and louder. Its a frequency that is perfectly targeted to drive me insane.

I really need it to stop. I've tried time outs, refocusing, putting him on his bed, ignoring him, and even swats. It just amps up and up and up.

And then there's Gideon. He begged and begged to join boy scouts. But when I take him to meetings he runs in circles, refuses to stay at the activity table, or stand in line and will not practice his pledge stuff with me. He's started hitting me when I don't give him his way (such as when I send him to the back of the snack line when he cut). He hits his little brother hard, refuses to share anything with his brother and will throw toys on the floor rather than hand them nicely to someone.

He hides under tables rather than participate with activities, runs upstairs rather than put his shoes on when its time to go, wont work on scouts stuff with me, and crumples into a fit if I tell him he can't have a pop from Casey's.

I love them, but please, how do I get some damn peace and quiet and cooperation around here?

Happy Birthday

According to Yahoo, which is never ever wrong, today is the most common birthdate in the country. Yay me! lots of people share my birthday.

Thirty so far has been a lot like 29 was. I over slept because I didn't go to bed early enough the night before, the result being that I didn't shower, threw my hair into a pony tail, and ran out the door to work. I did find a neat trick to get out on time. But it was totally an accident and I don't think I can reproduce the results.

Noah likes to play with my watch and must have reset the time, because I put it on, did my hair, glanced down and saw that it was 7:40! Boy we got out the door fast! It wasn't actually that late. Of course, the band on that watch broke this evening so I doubt I'll even be wearing it again for a while. Bummer too, I liked that watch.

Work was Okay. Sat in on an eighth grade transition meeting. It ran longer than I thought it would and I ended up kinda missing a class period I should have been co-teaching. I won't lie, I kinda enjoyed the little timeout.

Isaiah's IEP meeting was today. He's more mature than last year and only failing two classes. Both because he finds the daily work tedious and boring and won't do it. He aces the tests. His IEP provider asked me about signing him out of services. I declined. I think she just doesn't want to deal with him. His issues aren't intellectual, but they are still a disability.

Facebook is nice on your birthday. I might change it in my profile to get a little boost from all the little greetings you get. To be honest, I don't wish every person who is my friend happy birthday on their birthday. The ones I know well and interact with regularly I do. The rest, not so much.

There are so many things I want in my life that I thought I would have by now. Internally I still feel like a 16 year old who's managed to convince the adults she's older than she is. Any minute someone is going to look through the facade and ask me what it is I think I'm doing here.

I thought I would have a nice home. In reality, I have a crappy rental home I don't like. The only reason I am not actively looking for another place is that 1) I hate moving and am not on good terms with enough buff people to help move me and 2) I'v already paid the pet deposites here and doubt I would find another place that lets me have them or that I would get the deposites here back.

I toy with the idea of unilaterally fixing things. Like I could buy those peel and stick linoleum and install them in the kitchen and utility rooms rather painlessly. But, that's me spending my own resources to fix up someone else's property. That doesn't make much sense.

I'm still a mess. i have papers scattered across two desks. I use automated reminders to keep track of things at work. Where was I supposed to learn how to put together a pretty home? I missed that somewhere.

To be honest, when I was very young, I never thought I would be a homemaker. My ideas of what I would do when I grew up were along the lines of peacecorps worker in distant land, joining the Navy as a medic, or buying an RV and just setting up where ever sounded fun and moving on when things got boring.

If I had the money, I might still do that. Toss all this crap I've accumulated and live simple, clean and streamlined. Camp on all the coasts, visit all the major landmarks. I'd homeschool my kids on a beach. They'd pick apples in Michigan and dig clams in New England.

I think I am a bohemian living in a conventional life. I'm like an oval puzzle piece trying to fit in a round hole. Its not that I don't fit at all, its that its a little tight in some places.

I sound miserable, but I'm not. I'm just aware that my choices have led me to a place very different from where I thought I was going. And then life happened and I stopped thinking about where I was going and just focused on getting through the next big crisis.

Is it possible to live in crisis survival mode for so long that you'r experience of reality is fundamentally different from the rest of society?

Anyway. Its another birthday. I'm broke, I had to pay a few emergency bills and ended up shorter than I wanted to. But I also bought a month worth of groceries at a time. We'll be ok. Payday will come. Life will move along.

And I'll be here.

LIVID

The kids went to their dad's house this weekend. I went and got them this evening. I have decided on a strict non-speaking policy with the asshat. Less likely to have something unpleasant come out of my mouth that way.

So I pulled up in front of his house and the kids came out into the yard and Gideon immediatly bursts into tears. He won't tell me why he was so upset other than to say he missed me. This is not normal for him. He's had over nights with his dad, his uncles, and spent a month at a time with his Grampa. He's missed me, but he's never cried on seeing me.

Isaiah says his dad asked him to move in with him. The man plans to move to Main in March. Maine. Showed him online where he thinks they will be living, and the skate park down the road. He wants Isaiah to spend Christmas and Spring break with him as well as the summer. This would all be without the little dudes.

Can I say this pisses me off? I can't communicate my feelings on this because there are so many levels of ticked that go with it.

I'm pissed that his father is showing such an interest on the eve of moving from the area. I'm pissed he isn't including the little dudes in this. I'm pissed the man is moving. I'm pissed he's selling this fairytale life when I'm the one who has to enforce homework and curfews and chores.

How can life with me compete with skate parks and fun and games? I need him to babysit after school most days and harp on him for spending his allowance at the convience store up the road. I make him put sheets on his bed and go to bed at a decent time.

I've also always been there for him. I have made specific choices in my life, that were not always my "first choice" to insure that he had as much normalcy and stability as possible. I have provided shelter, food, clothing, and transportation. I have raised a boy who is kind, helpful, funny, and just a nice kid.

And now the asshole wants him? Now?

Pissed can't cover it. I feel so deeply about this that its hard to explain. Its unreal.

What to make of this

I actually had no idea how to title the post. It means nothing.

My week got better after Tuesday. It helped not having sick kids, not getting calls at work to go get said kids, and not feeling like I didn't know what was going on because I had missed work. In other words, getting caught up helps with the stress level.

I got to present information in a class, as opposed to being the back up/muscle/official note-taker. It was fun, and since it was a science class, it was even more fun. All the classes I co-teach are science classes this year and I am honestly loving getting my nerd on. One of the science teachers is retiring at the end of the year. I am playing with the idea of putting in for the position.

Part of me wants it. I sit in his class and think about how I'd teach the material. Part of me worries about what changing, or even looking to change, positions would do to some of the relationships I've developed here. This was the first year in 8 that the entire special education staff stayed on. My work friend I go party with is a special education teacher, I would hate to loose her friendship.

Also, I believe in special education. I believe in what I do. I want to work with the kids who have babies, disabilities, can't get organized, or have so many issues they just can't focus on working.

And then there's the pay cut. I'd be loosing money. I know I can live on less. I also know that I am a terrible budgeter. Its not my main worry, besides a job is a job in this economy.

My eye is feeling better. I think it wasn't an intolerance of contacts at all and I am so glad I insisted on read treatment.

I had a long phone conversation with Jason today. I miss him. I don't know what we are to each other, and I get myself worked up when I spend time thinking about it. But I know I care about him, that I want to see good things happen for him in his life, and that I feel more at peace and more calm when he's in my life. I don't want to own him or control him. I'm not even entirely sure I want him. Its a weird situation.

We haven't met up in person in forever. The reasons are many but timing has been big, one or the other of us was sick, or had weekend plans, or was short of cash. It was nice to have a conversation with him. We talked about my birthday (I'll turn 30 on the fifth) and his is next month. We both want someone to pay off our bills as a present. I told him he didn't have to get me anything, but that I like smelly candles. We also talked about kids, church, god . . . I know him well enough that I can just talk to him and I don't worry about sounding weird.

My brothers are both off being idiots. Mike got arrested for theft, when they took him in he had parifinalia on him. Later he was found selling drugs in the jail. He's going to go away for a while. He also keeps trying to call me collect. I use a prepaid cell phone (I know, it screams looser, but its good service for a lot less than I'd pay any carrier), so I am not accepting a collect call.

And I am just tired of him. I am tired on him acting like a child and expecting others to just take care of him. Tom too,he's been running around with known drug users, I think he's also been stealing from our relatives.

They are both adult me. They both have children they don't support, and they both are huge wastes of space. They embarass me.

I want a nice family. Relatives I can get together and have barbeques with. Cousins for my kids to play with. And not have to worry about someone stealing, asking for money, or getting too drunk and beligerant with someone else.

The kids are with the ASSHAT. He either caved or someone told him that he had no basis for insisting I meet him at an alternative location. I kind of wonder if it all wasn't a ruse to get some time away from them. Anyway, he came and got them this morning, and I will pick them up tomorrow evening. I spent the day cleaning.

This house is huge and we are pigs. I used the carpet cleaner in the bathroom and the water was black. I'm going to institute a chore list next week. Every day we will all: gather laundry, shuffle and fold laundry, gather dishes and wash and put away dishes, pick up toys/electronics. The bathrooms will have things wiped down picked up. Bedding will not be hanging out on the floor.

It sounds ambitious. But it has to start happening. The way things are now, I have to wait for the kids to get out of the house to clean it. They should be participating in keeping their home clean. Not just as a matter of fairness, but because they need to learn how to do this so they don't grow into the unbearable slob that I am.

I hope all are having a nice weekend.

Day in the Life

5:00 am: The alarm goes off. I struggle out of a tangle of heavy blankets and little boy limbs to go get it. I won't lie, I let the alarm sound a full minute, go silent for five minutes, and then sound again a couple of times before I made it over there. I silenced it for good and then went back to bed. Until it went off again at six. That alarm was silenced too. At 6:30 I carried it back to my bed, listening to it for a few more snooze cycles before finally getting up at a quarter to seven.

6:45 am: Crap! Not enough time to shower. "sniff sniff" I smell ok. Clothes clothes. Kakis out of the clean laundry - they aren't too wrinkled, are they? Polo shirt from Old Navy - It has an argyle pattern. My Nikes with the blue laces and pink swoop. Pony tail. Smelly spray. Lotion. Ok, kids.

"Everyone who lives upstairs get up, we're late!"

And then my sweet noah comes bumping down the stairs on his bottom. In his footy jammies. He comes into my room and climbs into my lap and gives me a big hug. Who can hurry when they have love and snuggles in their lap? I enjoy it a moment and then haul him and his brother into the livingroom. I dig through the same laundry basket I found my own outfit in and tossed them each pants, a shirt. Socks and shoes follow.

"Isaiah, where are you?" Putting his own shoes on (always high topped converse), he took a super quick shower so his hair would lie down. Its trendily long and he parts it so it just grazes his eyes. The girls think he's cute. I think he's beautiful. But I can't tell him that.

7:20 Everyone in the car. "MOM unlock the doors" "MOM, I don't want that jacket." "he's in my seat" "where's my packpack?" "EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND PUT ON YOUR SEATBELTS!!!"

We pull out, I'm careful not to hit a trash can or the cat, who refuses to yeild to lower beings.

"I want music" "WE ARE LISTENING TO THE NEWS"

I drive a few blocks and stop in front of a very nice look ranch or double wide. The big front door is open, but the glass on the screen door has a note about buying krispy kremes to raise money for her child in volley ball. I don't buy any donuts. I do hustle in Noah (who has two speeds, running and not at all, and uses not at all in the morning) to the door. We trade hugs and kisses and I'm back in the car.

The next stop is Isaiah's. We zip across the busy highway, turn in front of a school bus that doesn't know what a stop sign is, and pull into the line in front of the middle school. "Be good, do your work, I don't want an email about you. Hustle over to the highschool when you get out" "ok mom, bye" "I love you" and the car door is shut and he's hustling across the school yard to breakfast.

Now, Gideon. We drive throuhg the school zone, past the high school where I work and turn in to a small road and then again so that I am pointed back towards the school. I wait, with much less patience than before, for the line to move so I can drop Gideon at the corn so he doesn't have to try to cross the street. I can tell its after 7:30 because the kids aren't all waiting to be let in for breakfast. They are already in. Gideon takes for ever to get his stuff together to get out of the car. I seeth with unjust impatience. He finally had his stuff, tells me bye, and gets out. I watch a bit to make sure he heads the right way and then pull out.

My own destination is four blocks south and one block east. I am pulling in at 7:41. We're supposed to be in the building and ready to go at 7:40.

7:42 In my classroom. I find my water bottle and fill it in the fountain down the hall. I have to step around a mess of crud some sophomore has dumped out of her binder to get to it. There is a cross country runner napping in the hall.

In my room, I fire up my compute and sign in. Is the internet working today? yes. Good. And pull together my day kit. Its a blue day. black notebook. Physical science, physcial science, and anatomy and physiology. I should be teaching these.

I check my day. I have an IEP team meeting after school. I should call the student's mom and make sure she remembers. Shit. I left my phone at home. Damit. Oh well. Lets see.

Print the IEP, pull up and print a current grade report. Email all the parties that need to come, remind them. Ok, add a staffing sheet and we're golden. Ready to go. The first bell rings at 7:53

7:59 I get to physical Science. This section is taught by MR. Ass. (not really, but you know) he seems to enjoy lecturing minimally and passing out an abundance of worksheets. His teaching style is to explain the worksheets before he collects them when they are due. Students are expected to ask questions and then write in the right answers. My students are never done on time. They lack the life-coping strategies it takes to just sit tight and scribble answers as he gives them. Or they honestly don't have the intellect to understand this teaching method. They are always behind.

8:15 Students have a few minutes to work. One is very behind. she got suspended for three days last week. For cussing me out and leaving my room. Akward. She declares she doesn't have the worksheets, or the notes and can't do it. I copy my notes and find her the worksheets. She still doesn't start to work. I stand next to her and walk her through a few. Soon hands are going up.

The regular teacher of that class sits at his computer. He is putting in grades. He is not answering questions. I explain what the atomic number means, how to find neutrons, why electrons is the same as protons. And then I move on and do it again.

One of my identified students has has a paper returned. Its all wrong. I re-explain bohr models (its easier if you don't try to make complete circles for your orbital shells) I watch her do one to make sure she has it down. Then I move on. "can I look at your paper" "Why" "just to make sure" "whatever" Most of its right. I'm a good teacher or she's a good guesser. "Mrs. G, do you have a pencil"

8:45 mr. ass has the kids get out their notebooks and lectures on atomic structure, the periodic table, valence shells, and covalent bonding for a while. I can tell he's not quite comfortable with this material. I think I could have made more sense of it and made it more fun. The bell rings at 9:20 and we all leave.

9:20 Second block is my planning period. While I was in class, my program coordinator sent out a bunch of google events notices. I know what he was getting at, but he confused the hell out of a bunch of us. I have two IEPs that need sent to the main office. I run copies for my own files and put the official copies in the special blue envelope. I drop the envelope in the psych office and go back down stairs. I check my office mail and find that the case worker of one of my students has faxed back signed pages. I run more copies and take them back to the psych office and add them to my blue envelope. While I am there I clairfy a couple of details about AB, a student who's IEP meeting is on thursday. His IEP expires Friday, the meeting has been rescheduled twice. Thurs we are going to have to meet and adopt the IEP even if the parent cannot come. Kid is a good kid, not planning any changes to his program.

Go back downstairs. I have a meeting for CT later today. I see I have an email from LG about the IEP I wrote for her. So I take the copy I printed earlier upstairs. The student comes from a school where Algebra 1 is not offered to middle schoolers. We do not offer it at the high school. She's got a "D" in geometry and is failing Enlish 9. Mom is worried. I wrote an IEP to get her placed in a resource math class. This required moving her other classes around a little. I emailed my proposed new schedule to our coordinator Sunday. He either never got it, never bothered to read it, or decided he didn't like it. Because he told me that wouldn't work. The options became, lets put her into a computer based algebra class and AT, another special ed teacher, can check in on her. I'm not thrilled with that idea. But ok fine.

11:00 The bell rings. Where did my plan go? (I was going to pop out to the city offices to pay my electric bill) I run downstairs and stop in AT's room to confer. New-ish plan sounds odd to her as well. Coordinator wonders if she will do some diagnostic testing with CT. Uhm, on the day of the meeting coordinator? I have to go to class.

11:10 Class is reviewing a worksheet and quiz with the main teacher. After lunch they will be taking a test. I am taking five of them out to test in my room with me.

11:30. Second lunch. I run back across the street (the science building is not in the main building) and pop into the guidance office. The computer based learning coordinator is also the underclassmen's guidance councilor. I call her volleyball coach. VC nixes plan two. But suggests that we put CT in a group of kids using computer learning to do algebra, who are also with a math teacher (granted this is bitchy math teacher 1). BM1 is also the geometry teacher. "So she will be familiar with CT and CT will know her". Ok. And keep her in journalism. But her disability is in written expression and I can't offer assistance in a non-core class . . .

Oh, what ever. This is the new plan. Email it to all involved. Go back to class when the bell rings.

12:00 Shit. I forgot to eat. Don't want to eat junkfood while my kids test. Ok, deal. The main teacher "Mr. Track coach" gives a few reminders. I tell the five I am taking to gather their things so that they can go with me to my room as soon as the test is out. The test goes out, I get "the nod" from TC. "Anyone testing with me, lets go" "can I go" asks the kid who calls me names and doesn't have a disability. "nope". We all go. One of my students straggles. Gather up your stuff apparently has different meanings to different people.

We get to my room. And test. "King Henry Died Upstairs Drinking Chocolate Milk" Its an mnumonic to help remember the metric system's most common prefixes. The first part of the test in metric to metric conversions. "NEVER EVER CHANGE THE DIGITS, JUST MOVE THE DECIMAL POINT" Maybe I expect too much. There is one who's always wanting to multiply things by four.

On to temperature conversions. "I know you can do it that way, use my way, if you use the same way every time, when you make a mistake you can see where you made it" I think this kid is wanting to prove something. All he accomplished was to waste my time.

Dimensional analysis. worklines. Petroski's fence. Its a pain by what ever name. But there are rules. Write your given. Like units should be diagonally below each other. Vertically the amounts should be equivalent. Multiply across the top and bottom. Divide the top by the bottom. Remember to report units too.

"I hate math" "go take a walk in the hall" "I don't want to" through clenched teeth. "You'r so stressed you can't think logically, you need a break," "I hate effing math" "Take a break, do your best"

Another student "I need to stop the test" "why" "because I have government and math to do too" "but this is science class" "I'm done, I can't do any more" "give me your paper, we will work on it later" He farts around with his other papers without accomplishing anything of consequence. The bell rings at 1:00

1:00 Seminar. My class shuffles in. I attempt to take role. "can I go to the library" No" "why" "because last week you went without a pass and didn't accomplish anything, you have world history, american history, english or speech to work on, here, use my computer" He goofed.

I have six extra kids finishing physical science tests. Another three working on earth science. Two extra are in to work with my para on history. My coordinator shows up to grab the kid who wanted to go to the library. I spend 44 minutes helping with science. And threatening another student that if he did not find work to do he would be sent to the office. He eventually got out a novel. It wasn't the perspective drawings he needs to art, or the article summary he needs for biology, or the paper he needs to write for english. but it wasn't sitting and doing nothing. Four of the five finished their tests. Two still need to work, and one who started yesterday didn't show up today.

1:50 The bell rings. I check my email before going to my next class. The BM1 wants to know why we are planning to meet on CT and why we want to move her. I reply. Coordiator has sent out meeting notices again. These have the right dates on them. I'm hungry. I quickly retype the parts of the IEP that will apply to the student, hit print, and run to class.

2:00 A&P The kids are taking notes. The school got this great grant that let it buy a classroom set of Ipads instead of biology texts. They use google apps to take notes, share documents. Its great in thought, a horrifying waste of time in practice. I take notes by hand on paper. I sit next to a student who tends to have behavior issues. Mrs. wishywashy comes and asks me to sit near a few non-identified kids. They seem to be watching a video on the Ipad instead of working. I move.

The student in front was using the black reflective screen as a mirror to goof at the kids behind him. The one behind me says "Mrs. G, is that a dinosour tattoo on your neck" "anything is possible" "why did you get it" "Ask me when you have free time" And we took notes until 3:05.

3:05 Mrs. WW passes out a crossword. I quickly solve the clues ( I know this shizznit) and then break the word bank down into choices. My low function kids will have to choose from three options instead of 30. I quickly mark up their worksheets with my new method. The bell dismisses school at 3:21

3:22 I wait at the south east corner of the school for my four year old to be delivered. He gets picked up most days by my friend, AT's boyfriend. Her four year old is in the same preschool. The kids show up. I run upstairs and grab the printed materials for the meeting for CT. And go back out to wait for my oldest. His school dismissed at 3:15 and is a block away, he should be here by now. . . . and now . . . . and definitely now.

3:35 I drop Noah at AT's classroom. "please" "ok, but I leave at four" "Isaiah should be here any time" I wander down to the office. And find the E9 teacher. The one who's class CT is failing. No sign of CT, who wasn't at school today, or anyone else. I use the office phone to first call the middle school. Isaiah wasn't kept after and isn't answering an all call. Then I call CT's mom. Yes, they are on the way now. Great. I grab the English teacher, Mrs. M and the journalism teacher, Mrs. Twitchy, and the Nutrition teacher (a class she's not failing) Mrs. tasty. We go to the conference room. As I come around the corner I see a very familiar pair of converse shoes going up the stairs.

"Isaiah, is that you" "yeah, I was . . . " "I don't care, go get your brother from Mrs. AT and get your ass home" I cussed at my son in front of three teachers. I don't rock at all. We go in. School psych comes in. Coordinator comes in. My regional coordinator Hsquared, comes in. Mom and CT come in. Principal comes in.

3:45 commence meeting. I have to introduce folks. I haven't eaten all day. I look at my regional coordinator and draw a fucking blank. He's a nice man. If it bugs him, I can't tell. We talk options. Do you want a whole new IEP? No, I brought the one from the old school. Ok, that one had no coverage for math, which is her strong point. Only language arts was specified. Any other assistance she gets is a coincidence at this point.

WE talk turkey, we can adopt a new IEP, we can rearange her whole schedule, or we can leave things as they are. I put a lot of leg work into making sure we could move her schedule. Then the principal talks. Says some things that annoy me because we did what the documentation said to do. But what ever. He's also MRS. Volleyball's husband and has surely had his ear bent by BM1. He basically announces that we not gonna change a damn thing. Lays the whole issue with the student, (who really should be asking for help and not turning in unfinished work). I get to continue to monitor her progress and can pull her in for extra math tutoring after school or during seminar.

All the documentation I ran around getting. Nada. Stuck it in a drawer. May pull it out later. Or not.

I have three papers I need the principal to sign. And when I stepped out of the meeting at 4:30, he was not in the building.

4:35 My classroom. File this, set that here so I remember to have it signed, copied, and sent on to the main office. AB's IEP still needs goals. LC's ten day notice needs sent out, three days ago. At 4:50 I remember that I still need to pay my utility bill.

5:04 I get to the city offices. They are locked and dark. Shit. Damn. I know that's due.

5:10 I get to the sight of Gideon's after school program. They don't unlock the doors until 5:15. Then we adults stand in a loose line and wait for our kid to be released to us. Gideon sees me and has to tell the door minder that he sees me three times before the man lets him go.

5:25 we get home. I am so hungry I can't form a coherent sentence. I growl at Isaiah for being so late (he was talking to some people) and put water on to boil. Watch some news on hulu. Play some goofy songs on youtube for the little dudes. They love the one about smoking with dinosaurs. We pretends its cigarettes. I'm probably going to parent hell for showing it to them.

The water boils. In go noodles and frozen peas. Cheese packet and tuna get mixed into cream of chicken concentrate. The noodles are tender. Drained, they and the peas go into the cheesey soup. Its tuna casserole. ITs awful to look at and probably tastes horrible. But I'm starving and eat it so fast my tummy cramps.

The boys eat it and pb&j. We do books, baths, beds. Its now 8:16. I still need to check my email, write those goals on the IEP, start another IEP for LC, read a chapter for my online class, complete paperwork for my evaluation, fold some laundry and run the dishwasher before I go to bed. I do not guarantee that all that will actually happen.