At what point does one get tired of playing it cool? At what point in a relationship does having plans that seem to fall through at the last minute become less about people having busy lives and more about lack of basic respect?
And what to do about this? Drop the person like a stone? Let them know how it makes you feel?
Is the fact that I feel like I must keep the depth and intensity of my feelings about the whole situation and indication in and of itself that something is wrong with it? Part of it is me, I learned at a very young age to keep my true self well hidden from view. My thoughts on things were often twisted to make fun of me, or used for the amusement of others. (I was too smart and too serious as a child and the grownups found the combination of precocious intellect with naivete to be funny).
Later it was my ex-husband. When we fight still, he brings up things that I told him or he found out when we were together. I told him I was molested at a child, he promptly told as many people as he could the next time we fought. My mom was seriously mentally ill (major depression and borderline personality disorder) and he still waves that family history thing in my face if I'm not all smiles and cooperation.
So here I am at the age of thirty. I want a well rounded life, with work and relationships and hobbies. But the relationships I pursue aren't healthy. I hide behind a facade. The good girl, the feisty girl. If no one ever sees the real me, they can't hurt the real me and the person they reject isn't me so I don't have to take it personally.
Which is great, in the very short term. Small talk and charm and drinks of an evening, I'm great. But then I decide I want someone or something for longer. And all of a sudden the facade I put up initially crashes into who I am and what I truly value.
I am incredibly good at compartmentalization. I can and have met a guy I didn't much care for, but sleep with him anyway. Because that seems like the thing the person I am pretending to be at the moment would do. I'd like to be able to say its been a very long time since I did something like that, but it hasn't more like six months.
I am not blaming myself for the fact that the person I want to be with is acting in a way that feel like is rude. He is choosing to not return calls or text messages.
What I blame myself for is that 1) When I met him I conducted myself in such a way that communicated that I did not value myself. 2) I have allowed him to do this in the past (make plans that were vague and not follow through) and have not called him on it. 3) Being in many ways as naive now as I was as a child. I don't know if its some sort of social skill flaw or lack of character that prevents me from fully thinking and acting like an adult.
of course, the really funny part is that while I was on here composing this page full of self indulgent drival, he called.
He went to a party at his brother's house last night an got pretty drunk. He had family stuff this morning. Then he took a nap. He woke up, saw I had texted, then called me.
My problem number four, is that I tend to over think, take things too personally, and let my suppositions spin out of control.
We talked a bit about Christmas and our plans. He's got two separate events to go to this evening, but is less busy tomorrow. So I'll go up then.
And yes, there comes a point at which this isn't going to work for me anymore, and that point may be getting closer. He is as damaged as I am, it shows in the way he drinks, and he compartmentalizes his life as much as I do. I know this can't go on for ever.
But for now, it does.
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