Interesting

So, last night, well yesterday evening, the boys were playing (as in wrestling, jumping, and attempting to injure and kill each other) in their room yesterday and gideon's bed collapsed. Its made of metal welded together and was advertised to be very studry. Well, apparently it just couldn't stand up to the boys, the thing sheared apart where the platform that the matress sits on connects to the foot board. It was dead. 

So its mangled peices were hauled out to the dumpter and Gideon slept on the matress on the floor last night. It went better then I thought it would. He did okay. But, that isn't the kind of arrangement I am aiming for so this morning, we went bed shopping. 

I already knew what I didn't want. I didn't want anything made out of "engineered wood products". I didn't want to have to assemble anything myself. I wanted something sturdy and that looked nice. 

So we shopped. Big lots had a great set, but due to a recall they couldn't sell them to me. I tried at Home Depot, but they don't do furniture, just appliances and decore. We tried a place called Moore's, but the prices they had were OUTRAGEOUS. Seven hundred, and that wasn't including boards or mattresses. So we went to WESTCO. Got a basic set, made out of solid wood planks and boards. It isn't overly decorative, but is is sturdy and not bad looking. I also bought a mattress, because as it was I had three boys and two mattesses. 

I thought it would be nice to give Isaiah the new mattress. He complains that the one he slept on what uncomfortable and that he could feel the internal wires and springs. So whent they delivered and set up the beds, I had them take the older mattress from Isaiah's bed and put it on the bottom for noah. The new mattress is a bit on the firm side, but has a pillow top and I think its just fine, especially once you add bedspreads and pillow. 

The lillte guys were cranjy pants all evenign because they didn't nap, and Isaiah has been complaining that the new mattress is worse then sleeping on the floor. But the little ones like their beds and I think if Isaiah will give the new matress and chance he will like it. 

So now I am poorer then I was this morning. But I don't think it will be a problem and it was something I was planning on doing anyway. The kids were so funny in the furniture store. They were sitting on all the recliners and trying out the couches and (because it takes for ever to pay for whay you want) made a game of playing hide and seek amongst the displays of living room sets and tables and chairs and such. IT was cute, but I felt a little bad, the stuff was nice and brand new. And I wish I had the sort of little kids that were always cute and proper and well behaved in public. But the shop guys thought it was funny, so I guess no harm was done. Although rounding htem up once I was ready to leave was a challenge. 

So, now the little guys are sleeping in their new beds. The play room is rommier with the bunk beds set up, Noah has moved up to big boy bed status with minimal fuss, and Isaiah is going to either get used to his new bed, or sleep on the floor for the rest of his life. 

ANd I am six hundred dollars lighter then I started. Too bad it isn't weight.

Oh whwat a world, what a world

I'm not going to get into why work sucks today. I'm just going to say that I am glad the week is over. Not even going to got THERE.

So, lets see, what happened this week, not at work. Gideon started preschool, he got on the bus at Cathy's and off the bus at Cathy's. He seems to have enjoyed it very much. He doesn't have the ablitly to tell me much about what actually happened there. SOmething about playground. I feel like a complete and total heel for not having seen him off to his first day. 

Isaiah did really well at school this week and scored "meets expectations" on his reading assessments. FOr a kid who has ADD and isn't at grade level for reading, thats really good. 

I got the new glasses and now that I am used to the new prescription, I am really liking them. 

After being frustrated with the free internet dating site, I have deleted that account and am putting up a profile on Match.com. I hate the idea of paying to email "hello, you sound cool" to people, but all I was meeting was unemployed assholes or guys looking for a no strings hookup. Not what I want. 

So, I searched a little, because it lets you see the profiles befor signing up and then decided to try it out. I think I'm going to take some nice protraits of myself to post. I have to finalize my paypal account, aparently when you link it to a checking account it takes a few days, so maybe I will be unlazy and preview the pics and stuff here. 

I am feeling a bit hopeless about the whole romance thing. To run a basic search I picked out a few things important to me. No smoking, no drinking, my general vicinity. And then the matches came up. One was a guy I recongnized as being the older brother of a good friend from high school. I always thought he was kinda cute, so for grins and giggles, I read the profile. 

Of course, he left his name off, but it was definitly him. He's a Christian. His ideal woman, doesn't drink, or smoke, has never married or is widowed, has no body art and no kids. 

I have tattoos. I was married. I have three children I am raising alone. 

I realize that this was one profile from one person who I really don't know well at all, other then to say "hey, that's so and so's brother".  I know there are lots and lots of people in the world, and online. 

But he is like a prototypical example of who I would like to date. Christian and dedicated to the life style and the real meaning behind that. Kind and unassumeing and all that. And I am the kind of person who that type wouldn't give another look. 

I'm the scarlet letter for real. Only instead of it being embroidered on my shirt, I have three and they call me "mom". I don't know if that will ever change, but I know what I want in a mate, and I am willing to do what I need to look for it, and I am not willing to lower my standards in order to be part of a couple. 

We'll see how much this depresses me in the next few weeks. 

see, very nerdy-cute. 

Well, that was interesting.

So, today was a treat and a half. 

the students all got together on facebook and decided to boycott lunch. They were only told what was already a rule. That if they wanted to eat they had to buy a tray, no al la carte, that all seconds would be paid for, and that if they ordered a tray and didn't pay for it, then they would be charged for it anyway. 

Well, these kids have such a sense of entitelemnt that they think they shouldn't have to follow rules about who pays and paying fair. Part of the problem is that they do not have any concept of what things cost. They are used to rules being bent, broken and ignored. 

So, they got pissed about being asked to be responsible about ordering a lunch. The idea is, of course, to know how many lunches to make and make just enough, so that there isn't a lot leftover to try to sell as leftovers or store for another day. 

This morning during roll in all the homerooms, no one ordered a meal. NO ONE but the TEACHERS. They were all quite satisfied with themselves. 

The boss man called an assembly and told them they were all being selfish and silly and that they were ungrateful and foolish for thinking that they should have to be accountable for payign for what they had ordered. The lunch person had probably heard about the boycott (her child is a senior at the school) and "called in super sick". The middle school ordered pizza, and we didn't even break out the lunch tables. The kids ate sitting on the floor. 

Unfortunately, the kids think they've prooved a point or won a battle of wills. Really all they did was disrupt things a little bit, and pat themselves on the back a lot. 

In talking to them, they claim that it isn't about paying for what they order, and only ordering what they will pay for. They claim its about how the boss man talks to them. He's over the intercom all the time. He shoots down anythign they suggest or want. Even student government gets told what to do by him. 

I'm not certain how much voracity their claims have, but it seems to have been a way to express their disapproval and hatred towards the principal. 

I think that they showed an extrodinary amount of cooperatioin and planning and I wish they could pu that much creativity and cooperation and planning into their school work. I wish I didn't work in such a rotten institution. 

Shitty day

Really can't gloss over it. It started bad when I couldn't get myself awake.  Just had trouble getting going. But I perservered through a shower and dressing and getting the kids dressed and out the door, they were bitchy this morning too. 

Get to work and remember that today is the begining of lent and that its a mass day. I usually go, but I knew it would be packed today, so I stayed behind. I can't take the host and I doubt they would have been happy to put the ash cross on me too. I was planning on making up some flash cards for a game I want to play with my classes. Its called "what am I?" I put a description of an animal or class of animals on one side and the answer on the other. 

The kids each get one and they read the clues and go another student guesses, they go around the room like this. Hopefully they have a little fun and manage to learn a thing or two. 

Well, as soon as the students and staff got back, the shit hit the fan. See, someone came up with this great idea that a few of us teachers should take turns scanning lunch cards. That saves the school from hiring someone to do it. Well, I hate it. I have to somehow keep track of who didn't have a card yesterday, who is in the hole, who is on free lunches and can't get extras like ice cream and cookies, make sure that no one is getting away with not paying for everything they take, and make sure that everyone gets a chance to eat, all the while i have to harp on  the servers to save me some, because the one and only lunch worker will give food away to make it look like she didn't make way too much. 

Well, part of the issue today was my fault. I usually wait around for a little while after the initail rush before closing up and eating my own tray. Yesterday the line cleared really quickly and no one had come in a few minutes, so I closed up and went upstairs to plan and just get a breath. Peeing is an issue because my only break on weeks like these is first thing in the morning. I don't trust these kids to be left alone. 

So anyway, aparently sixty lunches were ordered yesterday and only forty kids showed up to buy them. So today I go tjumped on (by a damn secretary no less) about closing early. I said hey, sorry, no one else was coming through the line. 

So then it became this big thing. Who is responsible for making sure the kids know they have to pay for extras like a huge helping of macaroni and who is responsible for NOT telling them its just okay, that they can jsut have it. Well, the lunch lady is also the mother of a senior student, she gives food away all the time, she will give kids huge helpings on seconds and then tell me not to charge them extra for it. 

She basically lied to the boss and said that the line wasn't finished and that she never ever told kids they could jsut have something or aksed me not to charge her daughter for something. I am not going to stand in an office and argue with a person about what I"ve seen happen, so I said okay, whatever. And my boss says that I am changing my story. I said no, I'm just not going to stand in an office, with office staff and teachers (who never seem to be in THEIR rooms) listening in. 

Well, the situation was calmed down a little. i made clear that I am tired of being the one whe has to spend all day hearing about it from students that they had to pay for the (whatevers) that "miss santillian jsut piled on my plate". Cause I am. I didn't get into teachign to be a shop keeper, or an accountant. I'm tired of everyone and their uncle telling me "this is how we do it" and then getting pissed on over something "I" did wrong. 

Anyway. I"m looking for  a new job. Pittsbugh has a science and technology position open at the middle school. I think I'll put in for it, and just pray for me that something close enough to pittsburg that we can stay here and I can use my new skills. 

GOD, I just wish I were better at this inter-office crap. IT sucks. i shouldn't have to watch my back all the time. I shouldn't have to check up on other people. 

One bright note, my new glasses came in today. They look great! I look awsome in them. Anyway, 

Damnit, I was good

I was. I went to the damn teacher meeting and didn't completely go off on those overly smug women who had gotten together and decided that it wasn't and IEP, just a conference. I was calm in the face of a room full of people who refused to agree to email any really important information to me, even though I haven't been getting the really important information that I was supposed to have been getting. 

I also didn't get my way, which was emailed when there is something I need to know. They are going to stick with the planner that shuttles between school and home. They totally denied that it is rediculous that the emails they do send are all incredibly negative in that they only detail the bad behavior in Isaiah. I guess they don't see how it can affect the family when that is all a person hears about the child from the school.

They also went into great detail about how poor his social skills are, how he is in eveyone's bussiness but his own, and how he can't seem to finish anything. Okay, I get it, he's an ADD kid. They went into great detail about how much better he is on the meds. 

The problem with treating ADD with meds and cramming in the school while the meds are in effect is that first of all, the meds loose effectiveness. The kids' brains adjust to them and the meds that used to slow them down and let them focus don't do anything anymore.  My brother did the meds thing, from the time he was a little bitty kid until he was in high school. It was ritalin twice a day at first. In middle school they added a mood stabilizer. In high school they added an anti psychotic and a sleeping pill so he could sleep. 

Shortly after that, our dad started using the ritalin to stay up on his overnight shifts and my brother was selling the other pills for twenty dollars a pill. He used the money to buy pot, junk food, and cigarrets. 

My brother, is now essentially homeless. he crashes with a friend of his and works at taco bell. He has two children he doesn't see, and doesn't care to see. He blames every problem he ever had on our mom and on not having gotten a fair shake in life. And these people think giving my son pills will make him better. I really don't believe it. 

He is starting an after school program called challenger. It is supposed to help with getting the homework done and making good choices and conflict resolution. I sure as hell hope it works. Because as smart (and the kid is smart) and as articulate (the kid will talk your ear off) as he is, I don't see him being successful. And it hurts. I'm a mom, and I'm a teacher and I loved school, it was the only fun and great thing in my life as a little kid. And he's missing it. 

In other dysfunctional news, Gideon starts the Discovery Center thursday. They will pick him up from Cathy's and drop him off after lunch. He will be there three mornings a week. They will try to work him in to five days a week as spaces open up. 

I also am working on getting both little guys enrolled into a center that offers early head start services, as well as spaces for bigger kids like Gideon. The discovery center transports, but early head start doesn't. But they expect parents to hang out in the classrooms for fifteen to twenty minutes everymorning and every evening. I don't see gideon handling it well if we go in, hang out for a while and then leave his baby brother there. Or, handling it well if he gets dropped off first and has to watch his little brother leave with mom every morning. So, I am trying to use all these "resources" to get the kids into a different daycare. 

I have a few reasons for the change, one being that Cathy really offers a living room and a TV for the kids. At first she was up and around every day and the kids were always out side when I went to get them. Lately, she's been in her bathrobe when i dropped them off, at 6:30-6:45 (not unreasonable) and when I picked them up, at almost five. They haven't been going outside, even when its been very nice out. The second reason is that I think her daughter, granddaughters and son in law have moved in with them. I can only think that the family is living in what should be the play room, limiting what was already not the hugest play area to begin with. 

So, the kids have been on waiting lists for these other daycares since last summer. Recently noah came up as being able to move into one, but not gideon. I asked why it took so long, and apparently we aren't crazy enough to qualify for a spot high on the list. A family member in jail, or kids in foster care rate higher then a single working mom doing her best to keep shit together and finish school. 

God i am so tired of the guilt. When does it stop. 

Deleted that rambling bit of garbage

I don't know what the problem has been lately. Its like I've let this go from the place I can say whats on my mind to jsut another place where I repeat the I'm okays over and over and over and over. 

The truth is that there are days I wonder if I'm okay, if I was ever okay, if I will ever become okay. I go to church and everyone is so put together and happy with their spouses or boyfriends/girlfriens. I go to class and everyone else has a job that doesn't keep them in poverty and they know how to keep their damn mouths shut. I have assignments that i don't know how to complete. I have a house I can't seem to keep clean. I get a handle on it and then my son, who I really really love, decides to start throwing bowels of ceral and popcorn around. 

I don't want to be like my mother was and spend my lofe perpetually alone with only my children to talk to everyday. I don't want to be the woman at the bar every weekend, desperately trying to pick up a man, any man. 

I sit at church, so glad, and really I am glad, to have found one where I am not the youngest adult by several years, or a couple of decades, only to realize that I am still the only single person who isn't at least paired off. And I'm the only single parent. I get those, "oh, she tries so hard with those boys" looks from people. I hate it. 

the internet certainly hasn't yeilded any results. I don't want to spend twenty dollars a month on a dating service, not when the free ones only yeild assholes. Is insisting the guy has a job and house or apartment of his own unreasonable? Is insisting that if he has a child or children that he is a decent father to them unreasonable? Is setting the conversation above a level of sexual habits exploits and experiences unreasonable? 

I didn't think so. But I swear, all it is is uneducated rednecks who think beer drinking and shootin are the height of culture. Or loosers who live with their parents and are behind on their child support and looking to find someone to live with. 

So here I am. 27 years old. I have three children and an apartment. I own a car, a few home entertainment appliances and a dishwasher. I have no savings and lots of old debt. I'm fat and buys and lonely and tired of all of it. And all I can do is keep looking forward and thinking that things will get better later. But in the mean time, I'm sick and tired of waiting for later to get here. 

A nice evening

So today was pretty much a waste of time. Its basketball homecoming tonight. All day the seniors, the cheer leaders, the dance team and anyone who wanted to be was out of class. The sophomores were out of class all morning and the freshmen were out of class all afternoon. It boiled down to a class of about thirty being reduced to ten. A class of fifteen to two. Seventh hour was completely cancelled. IT was taken up by a pep assembly. 

So, I didn't even try to do any real teaching. What would be the point? The kids who weren't invited would feel even more punished and the kids who were out for a school activity would feel like they didn't have to make it up. 

So we played skipbo, monopoly, and watched CNN. In the afternoon we did some cleaning on the tops of lockers and door frames, which the janitorial staff seemed to have forgotten for the past decade. 

And then I came home after school let out. I toyed with the idea of taking the kids to the homecoming event and game, but we ended up picking Mike up to help him run some errands and then he invited us over to his new place to show off and so the kids could play. Its not huge, it looks big from the outside, its two stories, with three bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs and then a living, dinning, kitchen and tiny bathroom down stairs. Its still a lot of people living in a smallish house, but its a lot better then what they had, and mike and nancy both seem to be hapier and more comfortable with it. 

They are also unemployed at the moment and living on unemployment benefits and their federal and state tax refunds. I don't know if they can maintain it. The rent isn't that much higher, but I have a feeling the utilities will absolutley rape them. It is heated with wall heaters and colled with window units. Neither look new and I suspect that they are less then efficient. 

Teh kids played in the yard and then we came home when it got chilly and dark. Now Gideon is being a major crank butt and will probably go to bed early. 

An extra day when I needed one

So yesterday evening I was so tired and so cranky and so short with everyone around me that I couldn't even stand my own company. I was just tired out. So I sent the kids to bed, took some nyquil and went to bed early. Morning came too soon by far, but I got up showered, got the kids around. Was just at the finding shoes and socks point when the phone rang. It was the daycare lady. 

She was sick and couldn't babysit today. It was too late to call around and find a replacment. But we were all up. Crap, so anyway. I called work told the machine what was going on. GO ahold of one of the teachers who works on the same floor as me and asked her to make sure my classes were covered. She said she would. 

And then I finished getting the kids ready. More leasurly then normally. And took Isaiah to school. Spent the day cleaning house and resting up and being non stressed. It was great. 

Going to take Gideon to get a check up later so he can get started in that other preschool. And going to get caught up with my classes. I am not happy to me missing another day, but sure glad it came today. I needed it. 

When the real world gets scary

Stay in school. 

Not really, but it seems to solve several problems. 

I am in what is called an MAT program. That is master of the art of teaching. It is a terminal degree, designed to give me a teaching lisence and a master's degree on top of my bachelor's degree. Well, its a 36 hour program and I am set to finish all 36 hours this summer. That would have me graduate in july and then have to move out of my apartment and still be stuck working at McAuley for about 60% of what I am worth. (the more I think of it, the more it pisses me off, you pay people what you think they are worth, this system that is suposed to be better then the public schools is valueing its teachers less then the public school teachers). 

Anyway, If I add a minor called ESOL, it will add anther year to my program, but several notches up any potential payscales, it gives me the ability to be an English as a Second Language coordinator. There is tremendous demand for qualified ESOL teachers. Districts are required by law to provide english services to every student in the district who comes from a home where something other then english is learned. IT IS THE LAW. 

ESOL teaches work to identify students who have the need and to find a way to help the students learn english and learn content. It might involve being in the classroom with the regular teachers, modifying assignments, tutoring for vocabulary, stuff like that, along with making sure they are picking up what they need to be learning. 

It gives me a chance to work with some underdog type kids, which is what drew me to teaching, and it gives me another "hat" I can wear for any district that eventully hires me. Lets face it, I am never going to be a track coach. I hate the whole "sport" of cheerleading. I know, the girls work hard. I know that many cheerleading squads do competitions, but any sport that has a requirement that its participants be pretty, have good hair, wear makeup, and show that much skin isn't a sport. OR it didn't start as a sport and it needs to move away from that nonsense. 

This keeps us here another year. IT lets me be pickier about where I will take a job, because with Gideon and Isaiah being as fragile as they seem to be I don't relish relocating them again so soon. The goal is to stay within driving range of pittsburg so that I can keep the boys stable a little longer. Hopefully forever. Its not every town that has a theraputic preschool next to the head start preschool. 

Anyway. Its something I am investigating. 

Musta been a False alarm

Well, today, after pretty much setting up a time to get together later this month, he emailed me ans said he was working that night. After emailing me multiple times a day he's pretty much gone silent. So, he is either busy tonight, or has had second thoughts about me. Kinda relieved. I guess that isn't agood sign. 

On another note, we had another meeting for gideon getting into that preschool this evening after I got back to town. It was, you know, three little boys in an empty daycare, after a long day at school or daycare. They weren't bad, but they weren't great either. I always feel so flustered when ever I have them anywhere. They always want to play with what they shouldn't. gideon wants to take things home that arent his. Noah has a sneaky way of getting into things he shouldn't without being seen, and Isaiah is incredibly skilled at making his brothers cry while not seeming to overtly do anythign. He also likes to say little things that will either hurt or embarasse me. Like "my mom was only 17 when she had me. or "she doesn't have any friends here, she just sits home alone all the time." niice. just what I need, a ten year old calling me a looser. 

Well, gideon will start as soon as I can get some final bits of paperwork faxed to the preschool. And Isaiah will start an after school program for "at risk" youth next month. GOD I hate that term. AT RISK. might as well paint "The family is poor, dumb and disinterested" allover us. 

Of course, I hate all those social worker questions anyway. "do you have any family around?" "please give an emergency number" Did I ask my dad to move across the country? No. Why should I be made to feel like a bad person for not having a bunch of extraneous connections locally? Am I to blame that my brothers are in an extended childhood and not reliable? I Should I sit around being ashamed because I am not that social? I'm busy okay? I work. I go to class. I take care of three little kids. Most days I can't tell if I am coming or going. I am stressed about the situation at work and I am worried about my kids. SO forgive me for not being interested in keeping track of what a bunch of other random people are up to. 

I'm tired. I'm just tired. 

Generic smiles and internet dating

So two things have been on my cold medicine adled mind of late. The firs is a bit on the minor side. A lot of kids at my school have braces, which is normal, they are all at that age and from affluent backgrounds. But the one's who have gotten the braces off all seem to have the same smile. The teeth are prefectly lined up. Its like an archetect designed those smiles. And they are cute and pretty and neat tidy little children. 

And its completely lacking of any character. And unqueness. Its just these kids walking around with these flat teeth and generic smiles and its kinda sad. 

The other thing that's been bugging me. Well not bugging. THat isn't quite the word. I met this guy on a free internet dating site. We've emailed for a couple of weeks and seem to get along okay, although who is rude on email?

Any how, he asked me out IN REAL LIFE. This is a big deal for me. I tend to very much enjoy the internet. ITs so  . . . . safe. 

Anway, I agreed, ( I have to find a sitter) and we are goign to meet in Parsons, about 30 miles from where I live. 

So, here's the thing, and anyone reading has to bear in mind that most flirty stuff eother goes way ove rmy head, or I take it literally and get pised, he keeps sayign things like "I don't like getting into a cold bed" or "snuggling on cold nights is fun"

Stuff like that. SO, red light? Green light? I'm just not built for being social? I need help here. 

Okay, so I was sick friday, miserable saturday, and mildly unhappy today. I almost called in for tommorrow but am going to attempt to be tough about this. LIke if I don't actually call in sick, i never was. SOmethign like that. 

Why I hate Valentine's Day

Okay, so its V-day. You know, cupid, red lacey underwear, romance, chocolate, champagne, roses, heart, cards, all of it adds up to a pretty penny for the happy couples. And the marketing industry has insured that anyone who doesn't spend enough money is seen to not love the other person enough. The same advertisers have informed us all that if we are (gasp!) single, or (worse) do not recieve a small fortune in langeri, chocolate, stuffed animals, and diamonds, then we are unloveable and destined to remain alone, bitter, and hateful. 

This is the reason I hate Valentine's day. If I was single on Valentine's I felt unloved and lonely. If I was dating on Valentine's the pressure to produce enough of a gift, or to respond to the gift with enough sex was overwhelming. 

Why not make everyday a day to show the people you love that you love them? Why not Think about what the person actually likes and loves to do instead of feeling like it has to be diamonds and lace on that one night. 

I just hate the implications of the day. 1 being that to be a complete person you must be in a romantic relationship with someone. and 2 being that i fyou are in such a relationship, then you only have to go out of your way to be nice to them and be loving towards them one day a year, and that sex is guarenteed when you do show affection for the person you love. 

So, I hate Valentine's day.  But I am all for love, diamnods, romance and sex, just not for the commercialization of realationships. 

I"m not sure any of that made sense at all. 

Over Whelmed

Its just all piled up the past couple of days. I have these stupid duscussion posts I am supposed to do online. And papers to write and some how get together a portfolio for this other class. And get my kids to appointments and Isaiah's school functions and IEP meetings and sometime in there I am supposed to feed the kids and be a mom and grade papers and make lesson plans. 

Add to that the studd with Gideon, which just sort of makes me sad and afraid for him. And I have a cold and was horse all day. Need to make a awsome lesson plan for tuesday and Isaiah doesn't have school monday but I do. I think I may make him come with me. I was supposed to have that day off, but they took it because of snow days. so I think I may be just a bit obnoxious about it. 

My boss has gotten almost hysterical about all this budget stuff. Its a little scary and disturbing. And to hear that "the budget committee" thinks we are paid too much is insulting. I'm sorry, I make 21500 a year. That is about 12000 less then I would be making at any public school. I still qualify for food stamps, medicaide and housing assistance, and these rich fat cats who sit on the board for their kids' private school think I'm paid too much? He's on us to buy tickets to this play they are putting on as a fund raiser and "get involved" yadda yadda. But if I work there and make so much less then market rates for the job and I can't take my kids because they wouldn't or couldn't behave at a two hour play, why should I drop fifteen dollars a ticket? ITs insulting to expect us to pony up for so much. I shouldn't have to pay dues on top of working for nothing. 

So, here I sit, I'm scared for the furture between getting Gideon set up with a case plan and the economy, I should just shut up and be happy for the job I have, right? I'm snotty and arrogant and ungrateful to think that I ought to have a better paying job closer to home. 

So, that's my rambling post tonight. hope everyone else has a better week. 

My Sweet Boy

Its official. Gideon qualifies for services from mental health. He will be in the theraputic preschool at least three days a week, and the special ed people will take a look at him too. 

HE was actually very good while we were at the intake interview, and she was still able to see that he had some behaviors and attitudes that weren't right. Simply put, he throws fits, is very clingy, has little rituals (like always picking up a rock from a driveway) that he likes to do, has no fear, is very active, short attention span, refuses to potty train, runs away. The offical diagnosis now is Disruptive Behavior Disorder, which will probably be revised to autism spectrum or ADD/ADHD at some point in the future. 

I'm so sad for him, because I see the worst case senario, and so glad that I am not crazy thinking he's not normal. And Happy that they seem pretty confident that he can be helped to change his behavior and how he handles situations so that he isn't so unhappy all the time. 

Okay, I"m tired, I have got to go to bed. 

SEVER STORM WARNING

Okay, so sever thunderstorms are not uncommon around here. Now, thunderstorms in Februrary are rarer. 75 degree days this time of year are rarer still, but somehow the storms aren't surprising considering the weirdness. (this is going somewhere, I promise)

So anyway, its been weird here. It feels like late april or early june. The peepers have come out of hybernation too soon and if this lasts much longer bugs will emerge as well. The kids, mine and my studens are antsy and a little manic. 

And I think its affecting me too. I feel like things around me have started to spin out of control. Like things are slippery and I'm loosing my grip. I'm dreaming about zombies on a regular basis again. And I'm loosing track of grading, lesson plans, and assignments for class. I also lost the DVD I need for the online discussions that go along with the class. I think either the couch ate it, or one of the little guys carried it off. Either way, I need to find it or tune up my BS-ing skills. 

All this adds up to trouble on the horizon. Probably of my own making and certainly of my own exaserbation. I don't know why this is happening, except for stress, the approaching aneversary of mom's death, and pms all rolled into one. 

It all bodes poorly for me, unless I can get a feeling of control back. I feel like I'm in a car going too fast. On a rollercoaster as it starts down that first hill. On a runaway horse. 

If I believed in premonitions, I'd be worried. 

i did something about it

There is a girl at my school, a junior, who I noticed was strikingly thin, alarmingly thin. I was told at the time that the issue had been raised with the family and that the reaction was one of threatening to sue and hysterical assertions that it was a family of naturally thin people and that the school had better not single out their child again. 

Well, I know too thin when I see it. BUt I left it alone. She came back from christmas break thinner then she was when school let out. She's lost weight since then. She looks like a holocaust survivor. Her skin has not color but what heave make up gives it. Her hair har no luster. Her spine and hip bones are very prominant through her modest uniform clothes. He eyes and cheeks are sunken in. And her lips are alwyas dry and "chapped". 

I feel like if the family refuses to even talk about what's going on, that is abuse or at least neglect. The over reaction and threat of law suits makes me think something else dangerous is going on in that family dynamic. But I'm the new teacher who is naive and idealistic. So I wrote a letter to my boss and outlined my thought. 1) this child is very intelligent and a hard worker in my class. 2) this child is sick (I also gave him a list of things that such extreme thinness can cause). 3) I reminded him that we are manditory reporters when it comes to all sorts of child abuse and neglect. 4) I pointed out that an obvious medical condtion not evaluated and treated is neglect. And I left it in his hands. 

I hope and pray with all my heart that he acts on it and that girl gets some help before she dies. BUt I have a feeling he is too chicken shit for that part of the job of a high school administrator. He likes the hellos and hi-fives and being respected and admired and deffered to. But he doesn't like to make hard choices or deal with unpleasant and uncomfortable situations. 

I just hope that my conscience can rest with this, because i have a feeling that if I act alone, people will know it was me and he won't be happy about it. 

What would you do? Keep your head down and your mouth shut? Write the letter? Send an unsigned letter to child protective services? Call the parents? Is there a right thing to do? Sometimes I just don't know. 

What an asshat

I know, I've begun to use that word too much. But it works somehow. IT seems to suit him. So he sent me directions to drive to his house, supposedly the shortest and most direct way. I, being a reasonably person, accpeted this at his word. It was the I-44 turnpike followed by quick exits of and on several different interstates in donwtown tulsa, ending up in a church parking lot in Owasso. And what do I see, but Hwy 169 running right past me!

Okay, a little background, 169 intersects 160 between parsons (where I grew up) and Neodesha (where I just lived for almost three years). In other words, a direct rought that I was familiar with had been ignored in favor of a more complicated and expensive way to go, that took me several miles out of my way to boot. 

So, I don't know if it was malicious or just stupidity. But The drive back was much nicer, one because I knew the way and had been that way several times, and two because it wasn't a limited access highway, I wasn't being pushed around by semi trucks and mini vans with something to prove, and three because there were little towns along the way to stop for gas, pee breaks, and leg streatches. SO it wasn't as fast, it wasn't as slow as one would think either. I'm just gonna thing the guy is a moron and get myself an atlas to double check any directions I get given again. 

The car did great on the road by the way. It was zippy enough to keep up with anything out there and road nicely. The gas tank doesn't hold as much gas as the other car's did, but seems to travel the same distance. 

Why

What is it with people and lots of big dogs? 

Okay, I like animals. I like dogs. But I don't understand people who have huge dogs in little places, and I don't understand people who have lots and lots of animals. Its a really nice day today, so I took Gideon and his cousin LExi over to the university lake. There are a couple of bridges to run back and forth over and a statue of a horse that the kids love, plus its a long walk that is guarenteed to wear out the kids. 

But I live in a colleg town right next to the college. AndI can't help but notice that the first thing every young kid who gets their own place does is go get a big dog. They walk the dog and the dog goes everywhere with them, and poops everywhere, and no one picks it up. In the two and half block walk between where I live and the lake park, I thinkI had to tell the kids not to walk in, look at, step in, or pick up the poop five or six times. We walked back on the other side of the street and it was the same story. GROSS. PICK UP YOUR DOG'S POOP PEOPLE!

Anyway. SO I am already a little torked at dog owners and Gideon is asleep and Lexi went home and I am watching this home flipping show and the house they are doing is a house that is worth like $125K, but the owners own five large dogs and the dogs have destroyed the interior of hte house, torn up carpet, broken glass doors and stunk up the entire yard. Again, a house is supposedly your biggest asset and these people have allowed animals to make the home so nasty that its worth $40K instead of the 125. That doesn't make sense to me. 

That being said. Its Gideon's birhtday. He's FOUR! His brothers are with their dad. We will go get them tomorrow evening. He keeps asking me where they are and wanting to get in the car to go get them. I feel so terrible for him. I try to make it nice, like going and getting Lexi to play with for a while and giving him a lot of attention. But he still misses his brothers. And it isn't like Shane will come get them often enough for gideon to be okay and comfortable with the fact that they will be back quickly. 

I hate the whole visitation issue. I no problem with a dad wanting time with the kids. But why can't he get off his ass and jus tbe straight with all of us? First he's moving to tulsa to go to some nursing school, and then he worked in a tire factory, and now he works in a garage putting them on cars? I don't care what he does, as long as its honest and he pays his child support. But why lie to Isaiah about his reason for moving, which was to live with the newest woman? 

I don't care about the hassel involved in getting and taking and all that, but I wish he would see them on a regular enough basis that it was a routin for the kids, not this big, disappointing event that disrupts what ought to be a nice life here? 

I just don't know. I hate the people who like to blame single mothers for society's ills and who like ot make us out to be mini-satans for putting our children in the situation to be raised by, us. But then i see how this affects Gideon and I hear him asking where his daddy is, and my heart just breaks. I don't know what to do for him. It just hurts me to see him hurt and confused. 

His father is another example of a person who pretneded to be one way, and ended up another. He and I met when I was still mourning my mom and dad was in Neodesha and I was in those nasty apartments in pittsburg and lonely and just weak and desperate. 

He is the cousin of some people that my brothers and I were friends with all the time we were growing up. He told me he was in nursing school. He wasn't he was a CNA. Somehow, an irresponsible one nighter ended up with him moving in a week later. We lived togeher almost a year, nothing was healthy. I think he just wanted someone to pay his rent and feed him. He left soon after I told him I was pregnant with Gideon. 

He has seen gideon a few times. coming by at christmas or his birthday, but nothing in the last year. I know I probably could have made it easier for him to track us down. But again, shouldn't you be in touch enough that you know when someone is planning on moving? Shouldn't the mother who is raising your son know more about your location then somewhere in Bentonville, and that you are a cage figher on the weekends? 

So, yeah. I hate this. And I think I hate myself the most. I hate that I never even dated someon who wasn't complete trash as far as behavior and such. I hate that I put my son in this situation. And I hate that i don't know how to fix things for him. 

I'm too poor, too fat and too much of an independant (bitchy) woman to think about trying to date my way into a better situation. Thin pretty women whose one or two children are very well behaved can do that. But fat smartasses with loud rowdy boys, not so much. 

Yeah

Sometimes I am just an idiot. Like when I read a comment and then don't publish it. I'm sorry. Blame the cold medicine and pervasive tiredness that I have had all week. 

It isn't anything like what I wanted

But exactly what I needed. 

NO PAYMENT!

Its a Kia sportage, I spent more today then I wanted to, but managed to pay cash and not have to deal with a large or even small payment. Its a lot smaller then what I had, but the gas bill will be considerably lower. 

ITs blue, like the other car. ITs a 2002, so not new, but not ancient either. It took ALL DAY. I got there at a little after nine, and I didn't leave until ten after two. First they wanted a co maker on the title before they would quality me for anything. Well, they didn't like the people I offered as co makers. Then they wanted to do a weird credit building loan that had to have certain things met, like a vehicle with less then sixtythousand miles and limited to a certain payment. At this point I was thinking that I wouldn't be getting a car today. Well, they couldn't make anything work out that way. Then it turns out that for 1600 more then I had brought with me, I could own the kia outright. 

Now, I had wanted to save or spend elseware more then that. BUT the chance to own a car outright and not have a high payment was too good to pass up. I did the deal. waited and waited and waited, because there were issues with the car being on another lot and being detailed that took forever, but once I saw it, I was certain. 

So, I have a new car. Its smalled in and out. It's also newer and safer and less scary (the other one was seriously starting to scare me everytime I fired it up). I hope I did the right thing and I hope this all doesn't bite me in the ass. 

Maybe

Going to buy a car tomorrow. I am "preapproved" but that doesn't mean a whole lot. It could all fall through. 

Anway, had a better day, although I slept through my alarm clock and ended up waking up a hal fhour later then i wanted to. Somehow, I woke up at five. But I was such a zombie the previous thow days that it was a relief to be alert and not fuzzyheaded. 

Anyhow, I don't know how I feel about this much newer car thing, I hate the idea of a large payment, but I hate the idea of my car breaking down and me being stranded and royally screwed even more. 

I have pretty much decided to get on at a public school for next year. I just need to be making what I am worth, its a simple as that. So, I feel a certain amount of peace about the decision to get a newer car. 

I got my refund and I hope to have the disiplene to save some of it. If I get a car I will put $2000 down on it. I want to buy a new car for the livingroom because the one I have has become a large green, uncomfortable coat catcher. I also want to get a set of bunk beds for Gideon and Noah and another matress set. I think I will give the new one to Isaiah and have noah sleep on the one he has. 

I was thinking about getting Isaiah another bed set, but I don't think I will jsut yet. Maybe next year. 

NOah needs a potty chair. He is old enough to start thinking about potty training, i hope it goes better then Gideon's has.  I will go ahead and get that portable dishwasher. A new car and payments to go with it mean we need to cut back of stupid spending, like eating out. And it is more pleasant to cook at home if the area we cook in is easy to clean. 

That little list is quite expensive, so I think the rest is going to be put into a savings account and its going to sit there. Then this summer, it will be there when I need to move. 

Just, who ever reads this, pray for me that I am smart with all this money. I need to be smart.   

There was envy in her eyes

I had class last night, which makes for an exhausting long day considering I get up at four thirty iin the morning and didn't get in until seven.  It is always rushed ans intersting. Rushed because its an eight week class and interesting because it is a diversity class so it is like three hours of how to be Pc but not too PC. 

Anyway, we had like three topics to cover and none got covered well. But the lady who sat across from me was a visiting scholar from china. She teaches english as a chinese university. We had to bring posters showing our cultural identities, and since I'm not italian or irish, or anything but poor white farming stock, my poster ended up with a lot of family on it. I had pictures of my sons, my dad, my grampa and a big picture of my cousins and any kids they had. It also had christian symbols and veres and scrapbooking stickers of farming and hand tools and yarn and glitter spray, because everything is better with glitter. 

So this chinese lady is sitting across from me looking at the pictures of my kids, and I swear, she is just astounded at the fact that not only did I have three, but I had three sons. She told us there at the table that in china they are only allowed on child a couple and that she has a twelve year old daughter she left in china for her visit in the United States. I knew they were only allowed one kid, but it seems like the reality of eveyone just having one child is a bit disturbing when a whole country has to follow the rule. They have no little siblings to play with. The parents spend their whole lives entertaining and playing with their one child. It sounds kinda sad, i think. 

But, I also was silly last night. One of the diversity topics was poverty, we had to read a whole book on poverty, written by a so called poverty expert. And a whole room full of people are sitting there listening to a supposed expert talk about poverty and kids. And they start throwing up all these statistics that kids who live in poverty all drop out of school and don't do well on their assessments. Kids in poverty end up as adults in long term poverty. And blah blah blah on and on and on all this bleak stuff about kids in poverty and these people, some of whom I am positive know this is bullshit just taking it in. And I just couldn't be the good kid and be quiet. 

I spoke up, I asked. What if instead of looking at income, they looked at drug and alcohal use in the home, weather or not the child used english as a first language, how often the family moves, weather or not the child or another child in the house is devolopmentally disabled. 

I know, poor kids all have these issues disproportionate to better off kids. But with all the extra scrutiny that gets focused on poor families, there are richer kids who might also have problems in school and at home who are ignored. As a member of "the poor" I am sick and tired of hearing that poor people are either lazy and worthless or doomed. I get tired of being told how unlikely it is that my kids or I will ever be anything but poorly dressed trash sitting on the edges of society. DOn't these people know that the kids are aware of this stuff. That they know people don't expect much more the subsistance from them, so why should they try for anything more? 

Anyway, I spoke up. I was like "look, there has never ever been a time in my life when I didn't qualify as in poverty, and I think these statistics are too simplistic" And then there was a bit of debate and I was embarassed because this kind of thing is not in character for me, and then two other women in the room were like "we've been/are there too and we agree" and I was feeling a little better. 

I am so caught between wanting to forget that I was ever one welfare or homeless and living in dad's livingroom, or a teen mom or follish enough to marry that idiot man. And then there are times when I wish I coudl work with kids who are there were I was. Hopeless and clueless and needing someone who cared to take them by the hand and kick them in the ass and motivate them to do what they really wanted instead of doing what was easy because they were afraid of failing and being told they weren't good enough. Instead I work with papmered private school kids who wouldn't know hard times if they hit them in the face with a 2x4.

God but its exhausting

to take the kids anywhere. Although I am coming to the realization that if I want them to be civilized when they grow up, I need to take them to places that require civilization now. Still, it is nerve wraking. 

Are people going to be bothered by them?

Are they going to run off?

Will they break something irreplacable?

Will they make an embarassing mess?

Will people think that I'm a lousy parent?

I think it comes down to the last one. Will people assume those rowdy boys belong to a terrible mother? Will people look at me and then the boys and think that we shouldn't even be there? That we shoudl just stay home and not inflict our presence on others.

I don't know. I do know that I tend to internalize the negative things that get said about single mothers and our families. I also know that we can't hide inside all the time.

Today was a longer then normal day (and my days tend to be long). The Isaiah and gideon had a doctor appointment at four, which meant leaving work when the students left. I had to buy gas on the way home. I had to go to the bank and pick up Isaiah and the little boys and rush to the doctor office. And then wait and wait and wait and wait in a tiny, echoy room with nothing to play with and lots of stuff to be told to stay out of. 

teh verdict is that Isaiah finally got his pills so the school can stop screaming at me over them. And gideon will be reffered to mental health for a pediatric evaluation. I don't know what will happen with that. Sometimes I think he's normal, just a little behind other kids. And sometimes I am convinced that he's a different specie entirely from other little kids. I DO know that he doesnm't talk like he should, he is very emotional, everything is wonderful great and happy or terrible, ruined and the end of the world. Both situations are announced at the top of his lungs. He is incredibly clingy on me and will either cling so much that he pulls off my clothes, or he will run off from me and not even look back. That particular trait is why I loth taking him anywhere outdoors like a parade or a fair. At least in resturaunts there is a measure of containment. 

Any how, after the docs, we went to walgreens. They were super busy and we were super hungey so I told them we'd be back later and took the kids to a place called yummy buffet. 

It was actually pretty good, and I am not generally a buffet fan. It was mostly chinese food with sushi, salad and a random selection of american food. The kids were funny, went right in and sat down, no need to wait for the waitress to seat us. Isaiah went to get food for him and then kept noah company while I took Gideon. Isaiah ate chinese food and icecream, gideon ate nuggets, eggrolls and icecream, and noah ate plate after plate of fuit. quartered orenges, melon and pineapple, and icecream. 

And it was cheaper then a trip to mikkdees because the little guys ate for free and we drank water. anyway, they weren't the best kids I've seen in a resturaunt. Noah and Gideon had a few tussles over food and territory and I felt like I was always having to get up to put a kid back in the booth and at one point noah ran through the whole place looking for me, and then just running. But I think they were sweet. 

And then I paid the bill and went back to walgreens, where the 20 minute wait had been waiting for almost 45. And it still wasn't ready. 

We finally made it home. And I'm tired. The kids are in bed and I think I may soon follow. I have class tomorrow and so it will be another long day. I'm broke (not really, but lower then I want to be) and the stupid IRS keeps changing the date they will send the refund I am owed. (IT went from feb 3 to feb 10, and of course no number to call and get a better answer. Stupid government)