Why

What is it with people and lots of big dogs? 

Okay, I like animals. I like dogs. But I don't understand people who have huge dogs in little places, and I don't understand people who have lots and lots of animals. Its a really nice day today, so I took Gideon and his cousin LExi over to the university lake. There are a couple of bridges to run back and forth over and a statue of a horse that the kids love, plus its a long walk that is guarenteed to wear out the kids. 

But I live in a colleg town right next to the college. AndI can't help but notice that the first thing every young kid who gets their own place does is go get a big dog. They walk the dog and the dog goes everywhere with them, and poops everywhere, and no one picks it up. In the two and half block walk between where I live and the lake park, I thinkI had to tell the kids not to walk in, look at, step in, or pick up the poop five or six times. We walked back on the other side of the street and it was the same story. GROSS. PICK UP YOUR DOG'S POOP PEOPLE!

Anyway. SO I am already a little torked at dog owners and Gideon is asleep and Lexi went home and I am watching this home flipping show and the house they are doing is a house that is worth like $125K, but the owners own five large dogs and the dogs have destroyed the interior of hte house, torn up carpet, broken glass doors and stunk up the entire yard. Again, a house is supposedly your biggest asset and these people have allowed animals to make the home so nasty that its worth $40K instead of the 125. That doesn't make sense to me. 

That being said. Its Gideon's birhtday. He's FOUR! His brothers are with their dad. We will go get them tomorrow evening. He keeps asking me where they are and wanting to get in the car to go get them. I feel so terrible for him. I try to make it nice, like going and getting Lexi to play with for a while and giving him a lot of attention. But he still misses his brothers. And it isn't like Shane will come get them often enough for gideon to be okay and comfortable with the fact that they will be back quickly. 

I hate the whole visitation issue. I no problem with a dad wanting time with the kids. But why can't he get off his ass and jus tbe straight with all of us? First he's moving to tulsa to go to some nursing school, and then he worked in a tire factory, and now he works in a garage putting them on cars? I don't care what he does, as long as its honest and he pays his child support. But why lie to Isaiah about his reason for moving, which was to live with the newest woman? 

I don't care about the hassel involved in getting and taking and all that, but I wish he would see them on a regular enough basis that it was a routin for the kids, not this big, disappointing event that disrupts what ought to be a nice life here? 

I just don't know. I hate the people who like to blame single mothers for society's ills and who like ot make us out to be mini-satans for putting our children in the situation to be raised by, us. But then i see how this affects Gideon and I hear him asking where his daddy is, and my heart just breaks. I don't know what to do for him. It just hurts me to see him hurt and confused. 

His father is another example of a person who pretneded to be one way, and ended up another. He and I met when I was still mourning my mom and dad was in Neodesha and I was in those nasty apartments in pittsburg and lonely and just weak and desperate. 

He is the cousin of some people that my brothers and I were friends with all the time we were growing up. He told me he was in nursing school. He wasn't he was a CNA. Somehow, an irresponsible one nighter ended up with him moving in a week later. We lived togeher almost a year, nothing was healthy. I think he just wanted someone to pay his rent and feed him. He left soon after I told him I was pregnant with Gideon. 

He has seen gideon a few times. coming by at christmas or his birthday, but nothing in the last year. I know I probably could have made it easier for him to track us down. But again, shouldn't you be in touch enough that you know when someone is planning on moving? Shouldn't the mother who is raising your son know more about your location then somewhere in Bentonville, and that you are a cage figher on the weekends? 

So, yeah. I hate this. And I think I hate myself the most. I hate that I never even dated someon who wasn't complete trash as far as behavior and such. I hate that I put my son in this situation. And I hate that i don't know how to fix things for him. 

I'm too poor, too fat and too much of an independant (bitchy) woman to think about trying to date my way into a better situation. Thin pretty women whose one or two children are very well behaved can do that. But fat smartasses with loud rowdy boys, not so much.