Deleted that rambling bit of garbage

I don't know what the problem has been lately. Its like I've let this go from the place I can say whats on my mind to jsut another place where I repeat the I'm okays over and over and over and over. 

The truth is that there are days I wonder if I'm okay, if I was ever okay, if I will ever become okay. I go to church and everyone is so put together and happy with their spouses or boyfriends/girlfriens. I go to class and everyone else has a job that doesn't keep them in poverty and they know how to keep their damn mouths shut. I have assignments that i don't know how to complete. I have a house I can't seem to keep clean. I get a handle on it and then my son, who I really really love, decides to start throwing bowels of ceral and popcorn around. 

I don't want to be like my mother was and spend my lofe perpetually alone with only my children to talk to everyday. I don't want to be the woman at the bar every weekend, desperately trying to pick up a man, any man. 

I sit at church, so glad, and really I am glad, to have found one where I am not the youngest adult by several years, or a couple of decades, only to realize that I am still the only single person who isn't at least paired off. And I'm the only single parent. I get those, "oh, she tries so hard with those boys" looks from people. I hate it. 

the internet certainly hasn't yeilded any results. I don't want to spend twenty dollars a month on a dating service, not when the free ones only yeild assholes. Is insisting the guy has a job and house or apartment of his own unreasonable? Is insisting that if he has a child or children that he is a decent father to them unreasonable? Is setting the conversation above a level of sexual habits exploits and experiences unreasonable? 

I didn't think so. But I swear, all it is is uneducated rednecks who think beer drinking and shootin are the height of culture. Or loosers who live with their parents and are behind on their child support and looking to find someone to live with. 

So here I am. 27 years old. I have three children and an apartment. I own a car, a few home entertainment appliances and a dishwasher. I have no savings and lots of old debt. I'm fat and buys and lonely and tired of all of it. And all I can do is keep looking forward and thinking that things will get better later. But in the mean time, I'm sick and tired of waiting for later to get here.