Here's the thing

I have two speeds.

Slow or fast.

This seems to be true of about everything I do.

So, I started walking with another teacher a couple of weeks ago. She's pretty much punked out about meeting me up there, but I still try to go a few nights a week.

I started out trying to walk a mile at a time, but that go boring, so I added jogging. I have terrible cardio fitness so the first time I tried to jog I thought I was gonna die.

But I figured it out. Now I can jog a quarter mile if I keep myself slow so I don't run out or air. But I don't like that. When I put the breaks on it feels wrong somehow.

So this evening I tried something else. I walked a couple of warm up laps and then instead of a nice, boring, sedate, jog, I ran. I love the feeling of running, the feeling of being in motion and its like I hit a rhythm that I can't find at a slower pace and its great . . . until I run out of air. And then I would walk a while and get my air back, and run some more and walk some more and so on until it was time to go home.

I have no idea how effective this is as a fitness plan or a training plan. I know it feels good. I know that I started the session in a pissed beyond belief mood and found myself grinning at the feel of being in motion. I know that muscles in my butt, stomach, and inner thighs feel like they've done some work. I also know that I ended up doing a quarter mile less than the last time I went. That may have more to do with the fact that I was tired and cranky when I started than with what I did.

Other stuff, I've lost another five pounds which is good. My body is fighting back against the diet though. I had a couple of bad food days that left me feeling like crap. And one day I thought I had a dollar to buy foor with but I didn't and ended up fasting the whole day. Not fun, and it felt like it too two days to feel "normal" again. Definitely don't want to do that again.

My oldest child is challenging my sanity. On the one hand he is a huge help with his brothers. He meets me after school and walks the little ones home so that I don't get fired for leaving the building too early. On the other hand, he lies to me constantly. I tell him to do a chore and he says he has homework, but when I question what homework, he goes through his entire day and its clear he knew he didn't have homework. I give him a chore and he goes to do it, tells me he did it even, but then I look and I can tell that nothing was done.

I don't understand the constant lying and then he turns around and complains that I don't let him just walk to school and I don't let him go hang out with friends after school or on weekends.

Well, he's been grounded for skipping summer school, and he's such a liar about where he went, what he did and who he was with and I really don't want to let him out of my sight for more than I absolutely have to.

If his last year's grades were better and there was after school care for preschoolers, I would let him do structured type things, but his grades were so low he can't do sports and I need him to watch Noah.

I feel like a bad mom. I don't think I ever told him "hey, just lie if you aren't getting what you want", but that seems to be what he's learned in his almost thirteen years of life.

It makes me cranky, and then I go walk/run for an hour and come home still pissed, but in a better mood.

If I could

I'd make it all better. I'd make it so loving fathers didn't miss their children's important moments and spend every moment wishing their child was there with them. I'd make it so that kids who never did a thing wrong in their lives wouldn't wonder why their daddys didn't like them.

I would make it so that no parent ever had to tell her kids that she can't afford the way they like to snack all the time.

I would change the world so that the people we loved, loved us too.

So that no kid knew what hunger, pain, sorrow, or want was in any real, profound way. So that all moms could and would be home to read books, make dinner, fold clothes and give tuck ins.

If I could, I would make it so that no little child was ever sick and so that no mother ever had to watch and worry and wait for what they morning brings.

But I can't do those things.

I can be home (most nights) with my kids. I can love the people I love and accept them on their own terms.

I can play music when I'm sad, put on silly movies when my mind is too full, and draw with my kids when nothing on the planet makes sense.

I can take care of myself so that I stay sane. I can prioritize my own sanity so that my kids have a sane parent so their lives can be sane, calm, predicatable, in a way mine never was.

My teacher friend blew me off two nights in a row, but I went out walking tonight and managed to job part of two separate laps. It hurt, but it also felt good. I'd like to be able to jog the whole mile or two without feeling like I was going to die.

My guy misses his son so bad you can see it in his face. I wish I knew how to make it better for both of them and I wonder if I caused either of my ex's this sort of pain.

I love teaching, but sometimes my students' stories break my heart.

Some people

Some people make me smile, my sons, my dad, Jason.

Some people make me cry, my brothers, all those starving african children.

And

Some people make me want to commit murder. This was the ass hat's weekend with his kids. He came and got them this time, but he still owes me $20 from last time. Anyway, I go get the kids and its like an hour or so drive home and Isaiah and I chat.

Isaiah says his dad told him that he wants to move out of state in order not to have to pay child support.

Uhm . . . does anyone else have a huge problem with this? 1) Child support orders cross state lines. 2) The man has child support issues because he keeps making children instead of getting himself a higher education or a better trade, he gets a new girlfriend and gets her pregnant. 3) Who in their right mid tells this to their 12 year old son?

So I am kinda too mad to even talk to anyone about this right now because I am afraid that if I do, I may "go there", and "there" isn't a place I particularly enjoy being.

That being said . . .

Is it possible to obtain a court order barring the noncustodial parent from moving without leaving information as to where they are going and for whom they intend to be working?

Because I am quite sure that child support orders travel, and I am even more sure that arrest warrants related to failure to follow a court order do.

Am I evil? Possibly. Maybe I should let the bastard off the hook and say "good riddance" .

I do know that spending time with Jason has shown me a whole different angle to the situation. He misses his son so much when he's not with him. He worries about moving anywhere that puts him further away from him. He's willing to uproot his life to make room for him. He buys clothing and shoes and toys and books so that his son is never bored or without when he visits.

Shane takes the kids because he knows it would look bad if he didn't. But he's also plotting his escape from the responsibility of being their dad (although his current girlfriend is pregnant). He does nothing over or above what the courts have ordered him to do under threat of jail. When he spends time with his kids, they stay home all weekend or they do chores.

Jason is the kind of man they tell you to wait for when you are young, hormonal, and impatient. I honestly don't know what the future holds for him and me. We've spent the past few weekends together and had a great time, kids and no kids. We've taken kids to the zoo, gone camping just us, watched movies, cruised the bar, eaten out and stayed in.

He's emotionally stabile and doesn't bullshit. We can have deep or silly conversations and I've figured out his ticklish spots. He drinks a lot more than I do, and when I'm around him I drink.

Second thoughts on the first week

There are many things I love about teaching. Reaching kids and inspiring passion. Seeing young kids grow into responsible adults. Having a sense of purpose and importance in what I do. Having a new and exciting adventure just about every day.

But there are also things I really don't like about this job. The endless parade of forms. Forms to show we followed the law, forms to give to other teachers, forms to tell people who know how to do their jobs, how to do their jobs. Forms to be faxed, forms to be mailed, forms online, forms in my head.

I also don't like the feeling of having to fight for the respect I am due from other adults or to prove my own worth in a classroom.

I love the kids. I love learning and I love teaching. I love being able to make a good salary and know I can be off in the evenings to be a mother an on weekends to enjoy my life and summers to take it easy.

But I don't like the forms.

Noah started preschool. That took forms too. Enrollment, authorized pick up and drop offs, vaccines (6!), health screenings. All forms that had to be filled out, acquired, signed, dropped off. He did great by the way, his favorite part was lunch (free lunches, also a form).

Isaiah starts seventh grade tomorrow. I hope this year is better than last, but I recall my entire middle school career being a long slog of lonliness, misery and struggle. I am having trouble seeing much different for my oldest. He is so much like me in so many ways.

Gideon started first grade. He also did great, but his teacher left me a little miffed. Don't tell me to bring two sacks worth of supplies and then not let my child put them down in the classroom before going to breakfast.

I have pink eye. At least I hope that's it. I've been treating it for three days though, and no improvement. I got antibiotic oinment from the doc, adding to that some oral antibiotics I happen to stockpile like some people stockpile canned goods and bottled water. Those didn't seem to be helping, so this morning I added some acyclovir to the mix (an antiviral). Call me what you will, but the prospect of attempting to teach and command respect from kids and peers with a red, swollen, weepy eye while trying to see out of croocked, out of date, half broken glasses is not something I want to experience.

If I am not lots and lots better in the morning, I am going back to the doctor. When I was 13 I had a herpes 1 outbreak in my eye, I am afraid that this is what it is. That had me banned from school for two weeks.

It didn't help my academic achievement, my sense of self worth, or my confidence then. I don't think it will do much for my career now.

Hence the cocktail of drugs.

One the other hand, I'm a size 14. I haven't been this small since before Gideon was born. I gave away a few pairs of size 18 pants that I didn't want to have floating around. I've also been meeting a teacher I work with to walk the track. We have a goal of 100 miles this year. So far I've done 3.5. When I'm not feeling sick, depressed, pissed, and miserable about having this eye crap, its a nice half hour. Tonight I made myself. Now I am going to go find an icepack, goop up my eye, take some pills and go to bed.

Day 1

Its not the first day for students until Thursday, but it was the first day for teachers. Meetings today, a few more tomorrow, and work in classrooms on Wednesday. Having to be up and ready and drop my little dudes at daycare certainly felt like a normal day of work.

This year is off to a spotty start. In the plus side, all our Sped staff returned this year for the first time in six years. Everyone is happy about that. In the minus side is the fact that I secretly kinda wish I had been more aggressive about applying for a different position closer to pittsburg or joplin.

Also, our students' enrollments were all sorts of messed up and what with moving them around and figuring out the Sped coverage, none of us know our schedules yet.

That's right, school starts in three days, and none of the sped staff know what they will be doing. It kinda pisses me off, because enrollment was back in February.

A huge good thing, I'm starting this year a pants size smaller than I ended the last one. One a whim I bought a size smaller pants, figuring I'd have to return them. But the fit is actually nice. I am two sizes smaller than I was at the beginning of this school year.

As much as I complain about this job, its better than my last one. Any job that causes you to stress so much you get that big isn't good for you.

I'm going to try to maintain the healthy life focus as the year starts up. Another Sped teacher I work with and I are going to go walking at the track a few times a week, starting this evening.

Isaiah is still grounded. He seems to know he's in trouble, but he also seems like he thinks its a big joke. I don't think skipping school is a joke. He doesn't go to daycare or the sitter so he spends these meeting days home alone. I've told him I'm working and it isn't happy fun time, but he still texts constantly and wants to come up to the school and hang around. He's so rude and disrespectful to me that I honestly don't want him around the people I work with. I don't know how it happened, but my charming son has turned into a bit of an asshole. I also don't know how to fix it. So he's doing lots of chores and not seeing many friends.

I fail as a parent

My 12 year old has summer school because his grades last year were so bad. Its not a case of "if he wants to" its a case of "he must if he wants to advance".

Well, summer school is 4 hours in the morning for two weeks. Its all on a computer. I get him up and send him on his way, usually he is complaining about not having had breakfast. If he would get up when I wanted him to, the food thing wouldn't actually be a problem.

He's skipped two days of summer school Friday he skipped to play with his friends because I told him he wouldn't be playing with them after school as he was going to his dad's house. He did the same thing Monday just because he got away with it the first time. The monday skip resulted in a call coming to me Tuesday while I was in preservice meetings. When I listened to my messages I finally found out what the deal was.

I am so mad at him. I haven't yelled or screamed even though there is a part of me that really wants to. I took his phone, his laptop, his TV and his game system. He's ground the rest of the summer and the first two weeks of school. He's on chores detail.

I am so fed up with this shit from him. He takes off and doesn't answer his phone so I can't ask him where he is and what he's doing or tell him to come home. His standard response to anything is disrespect and an immediate "no".

I know he is at the age when my brothers started fighting with my mom all the time. They didn't turn out well. My aunt sent her son to live with his dad at about this age, the son is now a long term drug addict that bounces between active use and claiming he's in recovery.

I don't know what to do other than place him on lock down and leave him there until he turns 18.

That's interesting

I've realized a few things

1) when I get depressed, I'm about to start my period, its not even due quite yet, but here it is.

2) The feelings that result from depression are still genuine, even if they are tilted towards the negative and obcessive.

3) I can go on about Jason for hours, because he's my favorite topic and favorite thought, face, voice, scent . . . but I need to give those behaviors up.

4) Giving something up to God is the hardest part.

5) Today was the first official work day of the new school year. I like my job, my district, and the people I work with. Do I really want to promise to leave all that for a crush that may or may not pan out into forever?

6) I am an awesome, beautiful woman. (And I need to repeat that until I truly believe it and I need to insist that any man in my life recognize that).

7) My baby is starting Preschool and it makes me want to have another baby. This may not be the healthiest or wisest feeling, but since when was I healthy and wise in my life choices?

666

That's the number of posts as of this one.

Well, I thought it was funny.

Summer is winding down. I always feel a little meloncholy this time of year. Summer starts and there is so much possibility and potential. Things that could be done, places that could be gone. Its like a blank page in a composition book, waiting to be written on.

And then summer happens. I am lazy on purpose. I stay out late, I sleep in. I go see dad. I swim with the boys. It is this wonderful, lazy, unstructured time.

And now, its over, or almost over. Work will soon be starting. Kids will need to be shuttled around, supplies purchased, schedules refined.

Its a good thing in a lot of ways. Too much free time on my hands is a bad thing. I live too much inside my own head without something pulling me out of it. Sometimes that means I waste hours daydreaming or attempting to write the next great novel. Other times that means I get in a negative loop.

Speaking of negative loops, the other day I think I had what can only be called a waking nightmare. I saw myself entering a room, where there was a gathering of people. I'd been invited by someone there, it was supposed to be a friendly group.

And in that group was the man who molested me when I was 7. In my dream or what ever it was, I got a gun from a car and held it on him until he told the group what he'd done. In reality, my chest got tight, my breath got hard to catch and my stomache turned. It was like slow motion panic.

I don't know what that means. I don't why 20 years or more after the fact, it still haunts and affects me, in some ways more than it did in the past.

I'm not sure what to do about it, other than confront the feelings and images until they stop having so much affect on me. I don't know where he lives or even if he's still alive. I am afraid that if I did track him down, I'd stalk and kill him.

Yes, I know I have that in me.

Anyway, another potentially bad pattern has looped back around,

Jason. I can't get the man out of my system. We've spent the past two weekends together. Being around him makes me feel calm and content in a way that is hard to explain. We talked a little and the "facts" of the situation are so stupid.

We get along. He makes me calm down and loosen up. I inspired him to go back to school, finish his high school and start college. He's thinking of going for teaching or some other profession.

But

I live too far away to be a regualr girlfriend. I already have three kids and am hesitant to have another child, he wants to marry a woman and have babies with her.

But . . . we go so good together.

I think he gets ahead of himself. I think there's a difference between being a dating couple, and a married couple having kids. In his head, one indicates the other will happen.

I don't know what to do. The truth is that I probably love him. The truth also is that what ever his feelings for me are, I am not what he has pictured for his life.

Like I said, I don't know what to do. I don't want to let him go and I don't have any tangible hope that anything more will ever come of us.