Put my Foot down

I thought insisting that mike pay me for watching Lexi would deter him a bit. It didn't. Neither did me telling him that he HAD to look for someone else, he never looked. And then he did something that just pissed me off. He signed up for five shifts a week, all night shifts, and just assumed I would fit watchign Lexi five nights a week into my schedual. I put my foot down. I informed him that he and sherry had managed to find someone to watch her between the two of them before I moved to pittsburg and that I AM NOT A NANNY!

It workedm finally. I told him I didn't want to hear a bunch of guilt over him havign to quit his job. TOm is staying with him and he works midnight to eight. All TOm wouild have to do at most is get her out of bed in the morning to go get mike from work. I don't care if they don't like it, they are both parents and I am tired of being dumped on and blindsided. It isn't fair.

So, today has been the quietest day and calmest day I've had in a while. Its nice, I got some work done without having to work around other people's issues. It istn't that I don't love my niece or want to be there for her, but I know I'm being taken advantage of. And it isn't fair to her either. Those two are her parents, they need to bethe ones watching her and feeding her and making sure her clothes are clean and that she naps when she should.

So, I know I did the right thing, why do I feel like such an ass-hat?

Boundries . . . Yeah, that went well.

Okay, so I managed to hide out in the library until the bulk of what had me stressed was done. So, when the textign and calls continued I agreed to go get mike and take him to get Lexi and a few movies and pick up a woman frined of his that wanted to come over that night. I should have just stayed home. My car window on the back passenger side quit working. I know it probably wasn't anyone's fault, just a 12 year old car with a cable to gave out. But emotionally, I feel like I was hounded into doing something I didn't want to do and I ended up with damaged property for my trouble.

Luckliy, I did find someone who would out it up and make it satya there. It isn't a permanet fix, and it isn't really fixed. BUt at least the rain isn't free to come into the car and the airconditioning can be run, cause guys, its hot here in the summer time. This is an unusual year, but most years we can count on highs in the mid to upper ninties from the middle of june throuhf july, in august, its always over 100. And it lingers here. Isaiah's birthday is October 12, I guarentee that the days will still be muggy and hot then.

Anyway, enoug about Kansas CLimate. Mike also didn't bother to even try to find child care for this weekend either. And he springs it on me. Seriously, I like the kid, but I hate havign thigns sprung on me. SO I told him, I'll come get her at eight. YOu will have alreayd fed her and she will essentially be reading to go to bed. No more of this dumpingher off on me so you can sleep.

So we did that. She played outside for a bit and then took a bubble bath and went to bed. Mike calls at 10:00. He doesn't have a ride to work. Can I please get Lexi up (Lexi who crys for hours if you wake her up before she is ready) and come get me and take me to work. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!! HAS THIS NOT GOTTEN COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND! I was ready fro bed. I was watching a movie. And I WAS NOT GETTING THAT KID UP FOR NO REASON.

I had mike and tom, who is still around town, walk over to my house. I then had tom stay there with Lexi and drove mike to work. It was late, much later then Ia m used to when I went to bed and I have been cranky all morning. I HATE THIS BULLSHIT!

And, of course, he needs a sitter tonight and saturday night and sunday night. And TOm needs a ride to parsons today to get his car and then tag it.

Oh yeah, now I remember why I liked my brothers being in other towns and without transportation. I KNOW mike managed to get to work before I moved here. I KNOW it. SO howcome now I am the nanny and the taxi driver and the bank to him? When the hell did this happen?

Hiding out

Okay, so I am supposed to be this really together person at this point. I am back in school for my masters and I have an awesome job lined up for the fall. So why am I hiding out? Well, its because of my brothers. Tom is in town from his highway weed spraying job. He brought his work truck with him. Now I guess work wants it back. So he amd mike formulated a plan to go take the truck back, pick up tom's car and visit some mutual drinking buddies. NOt a bad plan. Exept for one tiny problem.

Its mike's turn to have Lexi. Sherry has been texting me for two days, and I am trying to stay out of it. I'm the aunt. I shouldn't be their custody mediator. That isn't how this works. I have a TON of work to do, I am only on here becuase I feel like I have to get all this off my chest so that I can focus. SO, Mike and TOm aren't in town and sherry has birthday plans. Aparently she thinks she needs to go out of town for her birthday. I'm sorry. I have work to do. I have school work and I have house work and I have running around work that all needs done before the kids get back, I go get them next week.

So, I (being the confrontation phobic that I am) am hiding out at the library not answering the phone. And I feel like an absolute asshole about the whole deal.

Other then that, things are going well. I have the two younger ones on waiting lists for daycares. I am ferverently praying that they get in and into the same one would be really great. I have the numbers of some family doctors who might take us on as new patients and I am hoping to get that taken care of soon too.

I got the oil changed on my car. I know that one soudns small, but not so very long ago I didn't have a car so car stuff in general still tickles me.

I haven't heard from my bloggy friends fro a while, I hope everyone is okay and notpissed at me. I don't know why but when I don't hear from people thats where I go, they must be pissed at me.

I didn't plan on this today . . .

But its fun. Pittstate is having their annuel surplus auction. Office furniture computers cabinetry chairs desks vehicles a lot of junk. Some nice stuff. Eveb bycycles that the grounds maintainaces people confiscated and were never reclaimed.

I am sitting in a nice office chair and blogging. When the auctioneer gets here. I plan on bidding on it. I already won a floor mat. The kind that goes under said office chair. Such fun.

Post92 In Which I gripe yet again

Let's see. My brother's dedication to parenthood lasted exactly until some friends invited him to Worlds of Fun. It was a last minute invite. They left at two and he was invited this morning. Got pouty when I told him I wasn't missing class so he could go play.

When I got out of class I went to the mall. Mostly to walk around a little its a tiny thing and not good for much else. He calls me while I'm there. Wants me to loan him gas money to give to Sherry who he called to come get Lexi early.

I meet him at my house. He was all agitated about wanting to go and being mean to Lexi and sniping with Sherry via MY cell phone. Sherry of course was being purposly obtuse. Mike said they wanted to be out of town by two so she made sure to be juust a leetle late.

I'm dusgusted with them both. And I have pile of work to do. One of my instructors is in the hospital. So in leiu of a week's worth of lectures. I have a lot of reading to mess with.

I did what I could. I lectured Mike about how parents don't usually get to drop everything and run off with friends. Aparently I a good mom and can babysit for him. But I'm also an antisocial freak who needs no social life. I dropped him and Lexi at his house ans came home. The whole thing left ne exhausted.

The Sad and The happy

I read a story today about a man who beat a two year old to death on a public road while passing drivers and police tried to make him stop. He didn't until the police shot him in the head. If anyone was waiting for evedence of true evil. There it is.

I also am convinced that our economy is in a nose dive. Every retailer I've been in has had serious sales going on. I just bought a bunch of stuff at bath and body works that should have cost me 70 dollars. I spent twenty. I may actually go back and stock up. I love their aroma therapy stuff especially the relaxing mint.

And then there is the happy. I have Lexi again. But this time we did some girl stuff. I took her to the mall and let her play some arcade games and pick out a glycerin soap at bath and body works. She's taking a bath with her brand new soap now.

AND BEST OF ALL. ThE BOYS WILL BE BACK IN LESS THEN THREE WEEKS.

well crap

I finally got a strawberry from my potted strawberry plant, but I can't get it here. I can email it myself, but getting it here, not working so well. Dang.

Other then that, not much to report. Has anyone else noticed how high food has gotten? Scary. And I didn't know how hard it is to cook for one person. Not easy. I am living off sandwiches and eternal leftovers ( you know the kind of left overs that never seem to run out).

grrrr

Well. Didn't take long for Mike to irritate me. He dropped Lexi off at four yesterday. Eight full hours before he had to work.

Had a bit of a talk with him today. I told him that I have no problem watching her. But that was unacceptable. He works tonight too. I plan on going to get her at nine. She will have a bath and a bedtime snack and then go to bed.

School goes like school. I am having trouble with my hands and with getting to sleep. Its like I can't quite let myself relax. I think the problems with my hands are related to sstress. Seems plausible enough. I am not relishing explaining all this stuff to a new doctor.

Hey Look

I'm blogging from the mall.





Yeah, that's all I got.

An Atack of Insecurity

In my classroom planning class we have been doing various excercises that can be applied to the classroom. Today we did one as a gwtting to know you. In it a group of four uses alarge star to writr ther things they all have in common in the center and things that were unique in the points. There were mothers who had raised very successfull children. There were world travelers. A woman who had played proffessional softball in europe. People who had run their own bussinesses.

I felt totally inadequate. What am I. Single mom who wussed out on medical school. Mother to three sons who are spending a month with the grandparents. I know I have come through a lot in the past few years, but I guess thoe things aren't what people are willing to brag about. Which makes my past a dirty, shamefull secret. The details will be only ever sketchilly revealed. It sounds melodramatic but I also think it holds a certain amount of truth. I sometimes dream about some random parent getting wind of thr fact that I was a teen mom and raising hell about it. The fact that I am a non-conformist certainly does not help.

I am watching mike's daughter tonight. I'm not sure how this happened, but Sherry decided to go out on town and mike works odd hours. So its like even if I did want to go a littl crazy, I couldn't because I am babysitting all weekend. Maybe I just complain too much.

Writting From a Cellphone

So,this is me blogging from a phone. I went ahed and ordered a phone named after a curly berry. So far it is really cool. It came with a data package that costs five dollars more then I paying for the disposable phone and disposable number. I know its a bit shallow, I like feeling like I don't have a looser phone. And its a pretty red, wich of course means it it cooler.

So far it has been interesting living so close to my brother. As I wrote that sentance he called me to see if I would babysit his daughter in the morning. I have class from eight to half past twelve. I declined. Boundries. Firm boundries will be a requirment. His ex-wife has already bummed money off me. And Ibought mike some groceries for while he has Lexi this week.

Sherry has a new boyfriend who works on the road, she decided to travel with this guy for the next month. And totake the food stamps with her. Am I evil for thinking maybe Lexi would be better off if her mom just staid away?

Mike has been doing really great. He has his own little apartment. He has a job he likes and makes sure that when he has Lexi the environment is suitable. No drinking or fooling around.

My classes are cool. Challenging. But cool. Almost all the people in them are in the same program I am, and it is just a really neat group. Good things are happening here.

Whew

Well, made it. Got all the stuff in the new place before it rained on us. We were hot and tired and more then a little bit cranky by the time it was finished. Mike was a huge help, so was my uncle. There were two casualties. A lamp of mine was broken in the packing and moving proccess and the globe of one of the hall lights was broken when someone carried something tall into it. I'd say that is pretty good, especially for cheap help.

I also had an adventure with a new microwave. I left the old one, it was getting to the point where it wasn't working. SO I went out and bought a new one. Took it home, got it out of the box. At dinner time went to make a tv dinner. And it stank stank really really bad. But I know that sometimes new things will smell a little for the first time so I didn't worry about it. Until I went int o check my dinner and the whole kitchen area was full of smoke. Thats right, the thing had caught fire, somewhere down inside. Terrifying.

Anyhow. Managed to get it outside. Opened all the doors and windows to get the smoke out (terrible eye and throat burning stinking smoke). I also called the apartmant manager because the smoke alarm never went off, and there was enough smoke in the apartment that it shoudl have gone off.

Other then that, I have stuff in my house, but it isn't arranged and is still a chaotic puzzle to find anything. But its getting better. My body is so beat up feeling that it really needs a few days rest .

I have also decided that life without the kids is dull, borring monotonus and lonely. And I am afraid that I'll get used to it and it'll be a huge shock to have them back, in four weeks. Classes start tomarro, so hopefully that will keep me busy enough that I won't go completely insane.

I'm bloggin from the library for now, saving money. So I don't have all the links hat I usually visit with me. Trying to figure out is I can load my favorites onto a usb stick and basically carry around a used account with me, but that would first involve setting up my computer at home, which I haven't gotten around to yet. Leave any messages here and I'll see them though.

Last hurra

Okay folks. Taken down the computer as soon as I am done here. Moving help will be here at noon. see ya around.

Distracted

Well, had a crushing case of insomnia last night. Didn't even want to go to bed, even though it was mid night, which is up very late for me. Then I woke up at four in the mornign and was completely awake. I ended up getting up, answering some emails, reading some blogs and watching doctor who. (If none of you are familiar wih doctor who, I recommend it).

Then I went back to bed and Slept until nine. So here's the thing. I read a few blogs about people who are pregnant. I don't get the whole "natural birth no pain killers" thing. Does pain mak ea person bond better with the baby? Nope. Does being in pain make recovery much quicker? Nope, still emotionally and physically out of it for days after ward. Maybe I'm just a big wuss.

Crap. Gotta get to work. Wish me luck.

Guilt, aint it fun

So, went and got keys to the new place today. Took over a load of stuff that I had been tripping on here for a week and a half. It was the first time I had seen inside. I knew they had renovated them in 2002, but hadn't actually seen. Very nice.

Three bedrooms, about the size of the ones we have now. A full sized bath and then a half bath. Lots more storage then this place had. New appliances, including the washer and dryer. (I am selling the ones I have to mike, it will cost me more to store them for a year then they are worth). Nicer stuff, the carpet in the living room and bedrooms is closer to industrial carpet then plush, but it and the tiles in the rest of the house and still nicer then the tired old, cracked, irregular tiles here.

Cabenets are newer and the formica is nicer too. The funny thing is that the tiles and counters have earthy green accents, which perfectly match my dinnet set and place mats. (winks to deb, who gave me said place mats). So, its nice, I'm happy.

Then there is the guilt. Miss my kids so much that it hurts. I try to stay busy, but its still hard. So, I feel guilty about not having my kids. I know this is better then dragging them with me to all these errands, but its an instictive thing. The big guilt is from dad though.

He recently started an online bussiness school, the money he used to travel down here and get the kids was student loan money. He had bought a really cool laptop from walmart for school befor ehe left, because with the three computers in his house already, he still can't get online when he wants to. Well, he called me just now from walmart. They took the laptop back and were shopping for baby wash, kid clothes and food noah will actually eat (aperently he threw everything they offered him).

Now its like, great, he's spending his cool computer money on my kids. MY KIDS. GRRRR, I know it is his choice, but still. Bugs me.

I am considering a smart phone. Like a blackberry pearl or one of those with the keyboards that flip out. They come with a data package, right? So, I could use it as a phone and to read email and blog and stuff. Does anyone have any experience with this stuff?

WAAAAA!

The boys are gone. Went to dads. Isaiah was mopey all morning. Gideon hugged me and told me "see ya tonight". Yeah, like in four weeks. Cried all the way home. (WE were at pizza hut). Now, lonely, need to get to work. Miss my kiddos.

I've been mom on duty since I was 17. I'm not sure I can handle a month alone.

Added at 4:09
Molly just called. They are almost through arkansas. Dad and Isaiah went into a convenience store. The little guys are sitting in their car seats, crying. She put the phone to their ears and I tried to talk to them. It didn't help. Broke my heart a little to hear them both crying and unhappy and to not be able to hug them and rock them and sing their special songs to them and make it all better. I hope this gets easier.

Added at 10:00 pm

They've called a few times. Once a little while after the first call. Dad had decided to let them boys walk around a walmart and they had calmed down, picked out some cookies and where back on the road.

Then they called from a rest stop in Arkansas. The boys were playing in pine needles, something about trying to bury optimus prime. I'm not sure he diserved that, but yo never can tell these days.

Then they called just now. It was late, they were at Brinkly arkansas. Dad said he figured they would be settling down and sleeping now that it was dark and there wasn't much to look at. I talked to each one. Told them I loved them bunches and bunches. Gideon and Isaiah told me they loved me back. Noah gave me cute baby babble, that I assume was Ilove you mom, but I can't see you.

I still wish I could hug them.

Added at 11:00 am

They are there. They made it safely. Gideon seems to have potty trained himself on the trip. Stayed dry between all but one stop. Glad I sent a few pairs of training pants. Isaiah left his blanky (yes, he still has a blanky, its old and pathetic and he only uses it at night), he hasn't mentioned wanting it yet, so I think I am just going to put it in my hope chest and maybe he will finally outgrow needing it.

So glad they are all okay. So ready to move and get started in class so I am too busy to miss them.

Sniffle

So, I have bemoaned being stuck with the kids and not a break in sight many many many times. Now dad is on the way to get them, and all I can think is that it is going to be very lonely and sad without them. I know its a good thing. Visiting relatives is a good thing, and having kids out from under foot while I move is a good thing. I'm still sad.

And I thinkI coaught a cyber bug. Three bloggers I read have been complaining about being sick. I have been stuffed up to the point of not being able to breath without meds for three days. I think we have discovered a new form of contagon. I'll call it a cybervector.

God really is taking care of us

So, I was panicing about money a child care this summer. But then everything just fell into place. I was able to get enough student aid to cover tution, rent and plenty left to do what we need to do this summer.

I was worried about what I would do with the kids, then dad steps in with his idea to have the kids visit him this summer. He will be coming to get the kids and keep them until july, when I will go up there, visit a while, and they bring them all home. Molly will come with me and visit in kansas and help wrangle the kids for the remander of the summer.

It will be very hard to be away from the kids for so long. But I think this will give me a chance to get the new place set up. And to focus on my classes and succeed there.

I went and saw my brother today. He is trying to get his life together. But it isn't going well. He has a job, he has an apartment lined up. Bu the stillhas this legal stuff that he hasn't taken care of. Sherrie tells him that if he doesn't pay her what she wants, when she wants it, she will call the police and tell them where he is. I say it is extortion and illegal and she should be in jail.

Mike rolls over and takes it. He bitches and moans and gets upset with sherrie and yells at her in front of lexi. I try to tell him to calm down. I understand why he is upset, but he isn't helping himself.

The latest issue is babsitting. Sherrie was told to put Lexi in a registered daycare center montha ago. Sherri put lexi on one waiting list of the most popular daycare in town. She hasn't done any follow up with that. She has been having her (in mike's words) fuck of the week watch the little girl. Mike hates this. HE feels like men who are strangers to the child shouldn't be babysitters. Out shared personal history makes us both paranoid about her ending up molested. Sherrie just brushes it all off.

I wish so badly that I could just step in and make things all better for them. WE were there at One, lexi was still in her nightie and eating breakfast. She looked pale and tired and too thin, She had this look in her eyes, like she felt lost but was confused. Because her mom was right there. I don't know, maybe I am projecting. Maybe I'm not. I just wish I could fix it all. I wish I could take her home with me. And remind her what it was like to be loved, to be the most important thing, not just someone who her mom had to deal with. Makes me sad.

That was interesting

Went to the family to do. Of course, that majority of those who came intended to spend at least one night, while we drove down, spent the day, and then came back. WE left early saturday morning. The weather channel had bad storms west of us, travelign east, I figured it would be best to just get ahead of them then to try and drive throuhg them.

It worked too. I have a short video of a wall cloud that was following us for a while, I'll try and post it later. I found out from my truck driver uncle that I took a weird way there, ended up going out of my way a bit, so we took a shorter way back. Too bad that shorter way back took us through a set of strong storms. Isaiah says that is what I get for thinking I can outrun storms.

We had a pretty good time. The picnic was at a resort near grand lake. They had an in ground pool . Isaiah and my cousin anthony had a blast, had to threaten them with loose of limb to get them out of the water and to come eat. Even gideon ( the kid who screams bloody murder when its bath time) had fun in the pool. Once he realized that with a life jacket and an inner tube, he wasn't goign to sink. He would kinda paddle around the pool and climb out and jump back in over and over. Isaiah was jealous because gideon, with all his floaties, coudl go deeper then Isaiah.

We were down at the southern end of grand lake, so we were able to take a tour of the hydroelectric genorator. I guess there aren't a lot of places that will let you do that anymore, but this place did. It was pretty cool. The tour guide talked for ever, but I guess that is what tour guides do. I couldn't get Isaiah to get out of the pool to go, but I took the younger two. The only thing of substance they got out of it is that gideon must be claustraphobic. He completely freaked out in the elevator.

My brohters didn't come. My cousin nick, who likes to beat up my brother mike, didn't come. Two of my cousins came without their spouces, and my grampa, two aunts and assorted yougsters too young to stay home came. IT was nice.

We got home, late because of the distance and because I had to pull off the road when a storm got bad, went to bed and crashed. I was still tired and groggy feeling this morning, so we skipped church. I feel a little bad because this is the last weekend we will be here. Dad is picking up the boys tuesday and then I am moving next weekend. But still, I am so tired of running my life to please those people. They disapprove of the whole move in general so I'm sure that we wouldn't get much of a good bye.

Now I am sitting here, wasting time while the little guys nap, when I should be cleaning and or packing. Two taskes I am not great at.