Such a little thing

A virus is very very small. It is a non-living particle that can invade and take over the machinery of your cells. They are also incurable in the strickest sense of the word. The symptoms of infections can be treated, but you have to wait for your own body's immune system to kill the germs. Which it almost always eventually will.

I know all this. I know that from infection to defeat it takes 10 to 14 days. I know that a cold is not life-threatening.

But DAYUM! I am miserable.

I'm stopped up. My chest feels heavy. My throat hurts a bit. I'm tired.

I'm treating it with fluids, over the counter drugs, and copious amounts of whining.

I wish I knew the cure for the common cold.

I heard from the mechanic, the KIA won't be fixed for at least another full week. I don't know if its that complicated a job, or if he's waiting for parts to ship, of if he just works at a snail's pace.

But its another reason it was a good idea to get another car.

It isn't an investment so much as a security measure. I must attend classes in Pittsburg to keep up with my graduate studies, maintain my eligibility to work in Kansas, and ultimately keep my job.

It runs fine. Starts a little sluggishly first thing in the morning, but not too bad. We took it to Wichita and back yesterday, no problems.

Work is going well, I am adjusting to the rythem of my days and the tricks to my routines. The kids are great for the most part. A few are challenging, but its a challenge I appreciate.

The adults I work with are more of an issue. I am a co-teacher. I am paid almost 40K a year to assist kids in the classroom. In one class, a science class taught by a guy older than dirt, I sit a take notes for an hour and a hald (block schedules) while he talks all hour. No test books to read, to assigments to grade or modify, or help kids with.

In another class, biology, she is really a wuss about talking to the kids and being clear with them about what she wants, what she expects, and when they are out of line. She's also such a prude that I can't immagin how she got into teaching biology. (the anatomy mannequins are all dressed and she can't explain what a colostomy bag is without a lot of "you knows").

I'm in one English class with an absolutely green teacher who refuses to make an adult desk area for me. In fact had the janitorial staff remove desks. Another teacher has her classroom arranged in such a way as to make it impossible to move around the room and look at what students are doing. The ability to get to where the students are and see what they are doing is key to both classroom management and to knowing if they are getting what they need to get.

I guess my challenge is finding a way to work with these teachers. They feel like they should be in charge of what's going on completely, and I don't think they realize that I am both more educated than they are and more highly paid. I guess I'm not sure I want to accept being relegated to barely above a para.

Down a Notch

The stress level is a little lower now.

Why? Because I went and bought another vehicle. I know, small thing, and big thing. The other one is still away getting fixed, and my be finished as soon as tomorrow. Most likely Monday or Tuesday though.

But this whole ordeal has taught me a few things. One being that I cannot possible plan for everything and that sometimes the shit hits the fan in a spectacular fashion and all I can do is ride it out with as much sanity as I can manage. Two being that my worth and status is not and should not be associated with the tool I use to transport myself from home to work and back again. Its a tool, but that's all it is. Three, that there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. That asking for help in the case of an emergency like this one has been is not the same as being a low life user-looser who won't get off her ass and provide for her self.

I've also been enjoying the fringe benefits of having to walk or bike to work. Mainly the endorphen boost fist thing in the morning that a mile's brisk walk gives is kinda nice, and that exercise is good for me. I was already loosing weight and this has helped. I have clothes that I couldn't get buttoned that now fit nicely and other clothes that used to fit are now sloppy-big. I almost need to go shopping.

But, between buying a car and paying to get another fixed, and renting Isaiah a bad instrument and general bill paying, clothes shopping spree isn't going to happen. I'll have to just pick an item to replace every pay period until things are balanced again.

So . . . I know you'r curious, the car.

I had thought long and hard and just come to the conclusion that I don't want to take on a car payment right now. I know there's a place that will finance me, for a higher than normal rate and probably with a key pad attached to the starter cable, but they'd do it.

I'd rather wait. Wait until I have a pile of evidence of good employment, am caught up with my cell phone bill, and have more money to put down so I'm not financing as much. In other words, income tax season. I get a ridiculous amount of money back from the government for being a low income single parent, might as well put it to use.

The car I bought was an 85 Jeep Wagoneer. Its old, but its in really good shape for a car that age, everything works on it, runs nice, and its kinda cool.

Its a 4x4 and a rugged sort of vehicle so I have visions of taking it up camping somewhere. Mostly though, it will be an around town car. With the KIA being the main mode of transport.

So, what do you guys thing? Silly Alley?

I know

That I am melodramatic and over the top.

But I feel like I am out of control when my life is out of control.

I feel like I can plan and organize things all I want, and then they fall apart anyway.

I'm not feeding myself. I snack here and there and drink coke zero, but I don't think I've fed myself a meal in days. I'm too stressed out.

I found a ride, its gonna cost me fifty dollars plus gas and its with one of the most unreliable people I can think of, but its a ride.

God, I hat hate hate hate hate hate hate my life right now.

I just want to know when its my turn. See, I hear there are people who don't face constant derailment and upheaval every few months. They have nice relationships and life in comfortable houses and can plan on being able to get up, go to work and come home and have a nice evening and then occasionally go to a mall or a movie and are able to provide clothes and fun for their kids. Their cars don't break down and leave them stranded. If they do, they have a spare or a back up available. They have friends and relatives who they can count on, and these things don't happen just in time to derail everything.

I want my turn to have a life like that. Is that too much to ask?

My Life is completely f#ucked

It is.

Jason, you know the guy I was gonna dump? Well in a fit of desperation I begged for a ride to Pittsburg tomorrow and he'd agreed. It was going to be a long complicated day, but I was going to be able to get to class and get my money from pitt and things were going to be ok.

Well, no his car is broken, and peggy is busy, and opal has to take her autistic son to the doctors, and no one else cares enough about me and my life and my goals and my kids and my situation to get me a fucking ride.

One time, that's all I need, is to get up there by four thirty. To visit my instructors and explain that my car is broken but being fixed and please don't penalize me or drop me from the class for something I can't help.

But no one else thinks its important.

I am fore ever paying the price for the collasal cosmic practical joke that is my fucked up life. It is. its all a joke at my own expense.

Super genious born into addicted to dysfunction family has potential to pull her self out but gets pregnant at seventeen thereby dooming herself to a lifetime of false pity and the critique of all her kin.

I made my bed twelve years ago, no matter what happens to me, its all my fault and no one will help me because "I have to lie in it"

So fucking tired of the whole thing right now. Tired of the heat and the damn bright sun and my kids and my job and my friends and my family. I'm just fucking tired of it all because not one person is even willing to admit that this is important to me and my future.

They're just awful sorry.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm tired of sorry, tired of it will all work out. Nothing just works out. It takes work and guts and occasionally the kindness of others. But it never just works out.

It certainly isn't going to this time.

And no one even cares.

Because I'm a bad girl. I was a bad little girl and a bad teenager and now I'm a fucked up mom who lets her only mode of transportation break down leaving herself stranded at the worst possible moment.

I'm tired of peace and thankfulness and giving it up to god. I just want a fucking ride! That's all I want. But no one cares.

Dazed and Confused

Yup, I stole a movie title.

So, work is getting started and its going to be every bit the increase in challenge and responsibility that I thought it would. There have been moments that I wondered why I wanted it, but ultimately I know its going to be great. Challenging, but great.

Walking to and from work, and the fact that I spend a lot of time on my feet, has become a physical challenge in itself. I am not an athlete. I am not toned and fit. I am smuchy. My legs are killing me. My feet are protesting.

And then theres the whole, I'm a sweaty mess when I get to work thing. If I can get in and sit still for a while and "dry out" I'm okay. But its hot out. So the heat and sweat build all day. By the time I walked home at the end of today, I felt like I was coated in oil and slime.

Not a pretty feeling.

So, I worked hard today. It was Isaiah's first day of sixth grade. And Gideon's first day of Kindergarten. And because of my stupid broken vehicle, I was unable to be there for either. I walked to work with Isaiah slowly peddling his bike along side me. Tom walked Gideon up to school a little later.

They both report having a great day. Isaiah seems to have made some friends and Gideon's only complaint was that he wasn't allowed to play outside all day like he wanted to. He said "I made friends".

So, its been a rather hellish week. My car dies stranding my children and brother in another city. Its super broken, as in needs an engine rebuilt to the tune of 1500 or 2000 dollars. I'm stuck walking or riding a bike to work (bike is marginally faster, but oh the muscles I don't have really don't like it), and relying on the kindness of neighbors (very very kind neighbors) to get to the grocery store. I really really really don't like this feeling.

And to top it all off . . . . I gave Isaiah permission to go over to a friend's house after school, and his bike was stolen. Its apparently gone. I reported it. I doubt much will happen.

But I'd like to point out that moving here was supposed to be a safer, quieter, kinder place for my kids to grow up. And his bike gets stolen the first day of freaking school!

God, what a day, what a week. I have a normal school day tomorrow. Today was only freshmen, hectic, confusing, and yeah, it'll get so much better.

Oh, and one of the guys I work with, total jerk. He's always trying to get me to do his work for him. I wouldn't mind if he'd reciprocate, but he doesn't. He also pretty much set me up to look like a fool. And succeeded I think.

I don't have an issue with anyone who wants to be good at their work, but don't make your self look good by making me look bad. That ain't how things work.

So, I'm gonna go chase my kids to bed and have a nice soak in the bath. My feet hurt too much for a shower.

Its gonna be two weeks to get teh car fixed and at least two weeks until I can buy another one. I"m two weeks from everywhere I guess.

Time to be Thankful

My children were not hurt, killed, maimed, abused, lost, or even very uncomfortable. The car was towed home so it will not find itself in some allen county impound. My nosey aunt and my druggie cousin got up and helped no questions asked and nothing owed.

My neighbor says he's got a guy who will run a tag and come see it and tow it to the garage and try to fix it.

After some calls back and forth I know a place that will finance a newish car for me, with anout 200k down. If I can manage to not get kicked out of school and to not loose my job, I might MIGHT be okay.

And I'll be honest. Tom went and found something to mellow us out. And I needed it at the moment.

God Hates me

He must, because I am one of those people that just cannot get a freaking break. The men I fall for all end up being asshats, loosers, and mentally ill wackos, my family doesn't like me except when they want money or favors from me, my dad married a nutcase and moved a thousand miles away.

All those things, I pretty much have in hand. Okay, don't pick the best guys, I can deal, distance, perspective. Dad remarried and has his own life, he's an adult, I'm an adult, nothing can change the horror show that was my childhood, but its ok because we're all moving forward.

My brothers are both still failing to launch, leaving me to clean up their messes or let them drown, but that's alright, their my brothers and I move them.

But then this past Friday my autmatically deposited paycheck didn't post to my account. I took several deep breaths and reminded myself that the fifteenth falls on sunday and to wait and it will be there monday.

Except is wasn't. McAuley wants their keys back. The keys they give out to everyone and their brother and don't even know how many copies there are or who has duplicates? Yeah, they want those back before they pay me. I talked the old (smarmy asshole) boss into releasing the funds if I had my brother, Tom, drive the keys over (115 miles) today. He agreed, allegedly the funds were released, but it will still take days before they hit my account (RENT, FOOD, UTILITIES! all over due).

And then, and this is icing on a really fucking twisted cake, my car breaks down on the way there. The keys never got delivered, my brother and my two baby boys spend the afternoon on the by pass in fort scoot kansas. Some nice soul picked them up and took them to a dentist office (don't ask, I'm not sure), I finally got ahold of my aunt who went to fort scott to meet them (I will never again complain of crazy co-dependent relatives who have to be in my business), she's gonna help rent a car dolly and tow the tiny blue fucker back to Iola.

Its a complicated scheme that has my little boys in a car all evening and Tom stranded in Parsons by the time its done.

You know, my responsible adult for when I'm working?

He's not sure when he'll get back to Iola (its like 70 miles) and I need him to babysit thursday, but hey, everyone thinks its gonna ll be ok.

The car places in town all recomend one guy to look at it, but he's not answering the phone and I couldn't pay him anyway (I have 7 dollars to my name).

I can swing walking to work and having Tom walk Gideon to kindergarden, but the grocery store is like three miles away. There is no corner store that carries milk and groceries here.

I spent the day stuck in planning and development meetings at work, I had to sit calmly while speakers talked about I don't know what, but I was biting back a panic attack the whole time. Forcing myself the breath slowly and writing don't panic don't panic, over and over because if I didn't I was going to explode.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

what did I do to piss off the fucking universe? I'm a good person, nice to small children, pets and old people, I pay my bills, mostly on time, I try to be a good mom and citizen.

But I can't get past that whole "looser without a fucking car" thing can I?

School's about to start, have I got school supplies, backpack, clothes for the boys? Nope was waiting for that damn check.

I have a dog and two cats that would really like to eat, but I don't have enough money to buy a bag of food for them.

I have some food stamps, but no running car to go pick up groceries.

I have a live in babysitter who's going to be stuck in parsons.

I FUCKING HATE ALL OF THIS. THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO GO.

Not Feeling it

Not sure what "it" is, but I'm not feeling it. The kids are at their dad's for the first time since we got back from Tenessee last month, and I'm just enjoying being lazy and having my house and my time to myself. The past few times they went, I went to spend time with J . . . . which was enjoyable in it's own right, but not the same as just enjoying being alone.

Speaking of J, I think he got with the program a tad too late. He's been calling several nights a week wanting to just talk and he wants to plan on me meeting up with him every week when I'm in Pittsurg to go to class. And take me to dinner.

Sounds like dating to me.

But the thing is, I think I'm over that. I mean, I like him as a person and I think it would have been really fun/interesting to have tired to be a couple, but when it takes four months plus two weeks to decide you want to date the girl, the girl starts to have second (or third or fourth) thoughts.

So, I'm back on the OKcupid site. Meeting, emailing, IMing, weeding out, teasing, and generally having fun with the whole experience. As usual, no one remotely close to me is what I would call a match. But up towards Kansas City there are lots of guys in my age range who share my interests and seem to answer all those questions in a way similar to what I would. I guess I need to consider moving to a more populous area if I ever want to have a real chance to meet and romance someone I like.

But I kinda like it here otherwise. I like my new job situation and the people I'm going to be working with. The church we've been attending has a huge and very active youth group and the church itself has people in it who are really nice, not over the top fundamentalists.

There's one guy who I briefly dated several months ago who lives in Kansas City. He's very nice, sweet and funny. He wants to plan a weekend visit for me to come up and spend some time with him. I'm not sure what to do, because I like him and I know he'd spoil me while I was up there. But do I want to do that? Have a life here and a lover I see twice a month there?

It bears considering. I mean, I don't want to be married or move in with anyone any time soon, if ever. I find most of the men close by to be uneducated and just not on my level. Why not?

What do you guys think?

Been Thinking about some things lately

okay, so I'm pretty much done with J, he still calls me a few times a week and we talk about stuff and nonsense the way people do. He's still playing with this idea of getting serious and I'm too much of a coward to just tell him to shove off. I think its a ego slash self esteem thing.

Anyway, he mentioned the other night that he was afraid to "get serious" because he wants to get a girlfriend, get married, buy a house and have a baby. Typical middle america stuff. I've told him I had my tubes tied and he's also intimidated by the thought that between my children and his son, he'd risk raising four kids.

His feelings are valid because they are his, but it got me thinking.

Why did I have them tied? Was it a well thought out choice? Do I regret ending my fertility?

The phone call ended because my kids were being pests (any one with little kids knows what I mean). J said he'd call back later, but he went to a bar instead, which pretty much explains why I'm done with him. He runs away from problems and avoids unpleasant or serious conversations with booze.

But I still thought.

I do not regret ending my fertility. I have three wonderful boys. Most of the men I've dated since I've started dating again have kids too. That's a lot of offspring. The world has enough children. If I still have the mommy bug when my kids are grown or close to it, I will foster, probably older kids. Being a mother is ultimately about taking care of kids who need taking care of, not about creating more and more and more genetic copies of yourself.

Was is a well though out choice? Yes, I think so. Noah was seven months old, he'd been the sweetest of my three kids as a baby, and I was starting to investigate graduate school and bettering my position in life. I was stressed with work and raising kids, but I wasn't overly duressed.

I know there are men out there who really pause at the idea of marrying and raising kids that "belong to another man", but I am not willing to create another life just to grab and hold a mate.

And that lead to some other thinking. I want a boyfriend. I want someone on my level who I can spend time with when my kids are visiting their dad or to talk with when I'm stressed and need someone to listen and nod and offer a hug. Going to movies, museums, to see music or festivals, sexy grownup sleepovers and maybe cook and campouts are all things I can see doing with this hypothetical person.

But marriage? Buying a house? Combining shit and stuff and all that? That freaks me out. I don't want that right now. Maybe its because I'm already raising children and running a home, but that part of being a girlfriend doesn't appeal.

Is that completely wrong of me? Is there something messed up about wanting to date but not to marry?

I had that bad tooth cut out finally. Hurts like hell, but I know it'll heal now instead of festering at the back of my jaw. I hate going to the dentist. It's almost a phobia, that's probably part of why I'm such a mess now.

MEN

They piss me off sometimes.

J, the one I was done with? The one who would sleep with me, invite me camping, introduce me to all his friends, make plans to visit casino-hotels with me, but wouldn't call me his girlfriend? Well, he calls last night, just to chit chat. And its like, what do you want? You want to talk to a mature adult when you are home and bored and lonely, but you don't want to be in any sort of actual relationship with that adult?

Its a waste of my time. That's what it is. I was civil, but not all that interested in what he had to say and the call ended pretty quick.

Then today after church I am dog ass tired because I couldn't sleep last night so I spend the whole night up reading. So, being tired, I went to take a nap when the kids did. couldn't sleep, so I got online and was cruising a relationship themed board.

And I know, people on those places are cruel and purposely extreme in a way that they would never be in real life. But its like, a woman has to be built like a victoria's secret model or pin up, have a high paying career, keep up a perfect house, never have a hair out of place, be pure as the driven snow but sexually adventurous and willing, and have absolutely no past baggage in the form of marriages or kids.

And it kinda pisses me off. Because I can't win that game. I am not built like a model. I'm losing weight and can fit into clothes that six months ago I couldn't, but I'm still squishy and probably always will be. I like sex and haven't slept with a huge number of men, but lets face it, three little kids give a different impression, and the fact that I tend to decide yes or no on the sex relatively early on is apparently a bad thing.

I'm a terrible house keeper. Seriously, if it isn't jumping at me as I walk through the room it isn't going to bother me.

It just bugs me. Because on the one hand is this guy who doesn't act very well towards me and who I know isn't good enough for me, but at least he'll give me the time of day. And on the other hand are these guys who are supposedly better matches to me and they as a group hold me in contempt for things that happened in my past that I can't change now.

And the whole Christian dating thing? Please. I had one person tell me that because I left my husband for something other than cheating, I was forcing any man who got with me to be an alduterer. I guess threatening to kill you isn't good enough reason to leave a spouse.

Grr, I don't know why I get wound up like this. Except that I have never been the pretty woman in the room. I've always been invisible and now I feel like I am going to be that way forever. And always having to choose between being alone, being made fun of, or the guy who just isn't good for me.

That last one was crap

I was a little high. I blame the pain pills. I'm less high now, but only because I let them wear off and am in hurt once again.

I think the antibiotics are making it better, which will make the pain less. Not gone, but less.

I had a bit of a tiff with J and didn't hear from him for days. Figured we were done. But then I saw on my phone that he'd called me today while I was in the other room.

I didn't call him back. I can see, now, that he was never going to allow the relationship develop into a dating one. He's not willing to be that open with me. So he'd keep me distant, go days without contact, let me think he wasn't intersted in any more, and then contact me when his options weren't better.

I'm done. Its more about how he's been acting, not about his lack of job and degrees. Its about his drinking and the way I drink when I'm around him, not his income or tiny, crap hole apartment.

Anyway, left like getting it down while I was sure about it. Not so sure what I'll do if he calls again.

Something else on my mind, I've seen the term "asshat" used all over the place in the past week. I think I invented it a couple of years ago to describe my ex. And now its all over.

Weird.

Something else.

I am loosing weight. I don't own a scale and I don't stand on one often enough to be sure where I

started, but I was sorting clothes earlier, and a dress I couldn't button across my tummy now fits

and looks AMAZING on me.

I hate my tummy though. Look up pictures of women before tummy tucks, that's me. Extra

flappy skin and yuck. I am not pro plastic surgery by any means. But I think I'd be happier with

how I looked if it were gone. I want to diet and be really good for a year and then look into getting

it done.

Am I super vane? I dunno.

Tooth ache

I have a tooth ache. It REALLY hurts. It hurt so bad and out of the blue on thursday evening that I went to the emergency room. They told me to take antibiotics and painkillers and see a dentist. I'm allergic to the painkillers, they give me hives. And the soonest I can go see the dentist is probably Tuesday. I'm in pain, I'm cranky, I don't feel well because of the infection that's causing the pain, and I can't get treatment until Tuesday.

It makes it hard to do any of the things I planned on doing this weekend. Like play with my kids, reaarrange my bedroom, go up to my classroom and putter around, stuff like that.

So, I'm playing on the computer instead.

I have a facebook friend who is constantly (like every hour) updating what she's doing. As in, dishes, laundry, picking up after her son and her husband. And to make it worse, she can't spell and leaves out words.I don't know why it bothers me except that for one thing, I know she's in school and she says she wants to be a teachers, but her writing is barely literate, and its all the stinking time. But I think more is the fact that it seems like everything she does and thinks about is centered around picking up after her kid and husband. Even when she's pissed at him she posts it.

I guess it makes me wonder if maybe I'm not as domestic as I think I am. For one thing, I hate even thinking about doing the dishes, I avoid it, and I wouldn't bother to post about it online.

Getting started

Got a case load list. I have six students who's IEPs I'll be handling, unless more come in, which is always possible. I will be co-teaching, which means that I will spend lots of time in classrooms where there is another teacher. It sounds easy, but it isn't.

I've spent all week in training for work. Its distressingly like being in class for school, except if I slack off its a job I'm messing up, not my grade. Its probably a reflection of my education that most of what I'm being trained on is familiar. But it makes for long days, especially when you throw in the fact that the trainers are scattered and keep going off on tangents about this or that bit that doesn't affect me.

Oh teeny tiny bright spot, cut IT dude. I'm a sucker for a guy who can wear converse to work and make it look right. I have no idea if he's attacked or not, or even if he's gay or not. And really, since he works for the coop, its moot anyway. But it makes having to be there a little less miserable. Another weird thing, some one taped up a bunch of pictures of hot cowboys and actors all over the ladies' room walls. I didn't know it was hard to pee with hot dudes looking at me until now. The trick is to stare at the floor. We asked the one male in our training group what was up in the men's room, he said nothing.

Got my middle and my little enrolled for school. Noah is wait listed for preschool, until then he and uncle tom are pals.

Crap, its been a busy week and I still have tons and tons to do. And to keep track of. And blerg, no time.

The return of responsibility

Well, my summer's already over. I just didn't realize it before today. See, I have "new teacher acadamy" all this week and next Monday. Tuesday off, Wednesday I have a Coop-wide meet, greet and learn meeting, Thursday I go to IEP training with the Iola employees, and Friday I and the other new teachers in the district meet with the principal. No more free time. The following week is just as full and then school starts.

I went and picked up keys for my room this evening after my all day meeting. Its small, isolated at the end of a hallway, and have only two computers in it. Its been put away all summer so its a little stale, but to tell the truth, I like it. It feels safe and cozy. I wonder how it will feel once I have students in it.

I won't spend all day in my room, the district practices team teaching, so I will spend at least half my time or more in another classroom with a gen ed teacher. I hope I manage to get along with them all and manage to not let them turn me into another para, with happens sometimes with co-teaching.

I need to think, should have been thinking, about decorating my room, setting up procedures, and all the rest. I hate that part of it. The rules, being the enforcer. That part of my personality just isn't all that developed.

I'm tired, got up early, showered and got going much earlier today than I had been. But it felt good and I realize now just how much extra time I'll have without the long commute morning and night. Tom's going to be a nanny for a while. He's going to see about taking some classes at teh Ju-co and I need the extra help, at least for now while I still have a pre-school aged child and am working in my degree.

It hit me today that I'm the responsible one in the room now. I'm the profesonal. I don't often feel like a proffessional, usually I feel like a kid who snuck into the grownup's lounge and hasn't been discovered to be kicked out yet.

But I do know Sped law. I do know how to go about planning classes and curricula for students. The knowledge, juxtoposed with the person I spent the past few months seeing just highlights how wrong he was/is for me.

But if he's so wrong, why do I miss him? And why do I feel like I'm not likely to catch better, certainly not around here. I have a free profile on match, and profiles on plenty of fish and okcupid. I run searches on all three, and there just aren't handsome, (as in have all their teeth and not meth-head skinny or way obese), articulate (although literate is probably the better term since its all in writing), educated men in this area. Hell, there aren't employed men in this area. How does a whole society exist when there are not intelligent, employed, presentable people to be found?

I love my job, but damn, if I ever want to not be a stereotypical techer-spinster, I may HAVE to move. Or settle for someone who doesn't hit all the filters. Even so, J still probably is a bad idea. the guy drinks way more than I thought he did, and he pawned his computer, I don't know why that ticks me off (well I do, but its not my place to be ticked at what he does with his stuff) but its a bright shiney read flag as far as I am concerned. So, back to the dating pool. I hate the search and get too attached if I manage to catch anything.