It goes so fast

Himself has been here with us since mid-july. Its been a bumpy ride. Not bad, but certainly different. A learning experience for all.

There's the big huge stuff, like how to arrange life so there's room for two adults with thier own hangups and needs and values and ideas of what peace and quiet feels like, or a clean house looks like, or how to sleep in the same bed and have insomnia and not keep the other one up all night, or how to stand your ground and be like, no, I'm too tired to be up, I"m going to bed.

There's the even bigger things like how he deals with my kids and expecially Gideon who for the longest time he didn't want to believe had learning delays. Parent night at school and some educaiton he got for his new job with disabled adults seems to have convinced him that I really did know wha tI was talking about.

There's still a lot that we are going to have to keep working on. I'm a slob. He's too free with money. He values the appearance and trappings of wealthy too much. I knwo where it comes from, he has some relatives with huge net worth, but its not realistic for a 30 year old whos idea of steady employment is being offered seasonal positions two years in a row. He's done a lot of partying which scares me a little. I've been doing a whole lot of workig in the same years.

He thinks he's smarter than I am, but he forgets times and dates that I know he's told me about, ends up in trouble over it later. HE's already dropped a college class. I know why, the teacher was a dick, but its still his ffault. Classes had opened Monday, he didn't check that online class until the following Sunday.

Under all the negotiation and the back and fortha nd butterflies is something way cool though. Love. A completeness of heart and home. A feeling of finally not being in this all alone anymore. I never had that so I never missed it, but now that its here, I'm so glad.

trying

I swear I am. I just wish I could feel like I can relax. I wish I could just make everyone and everything do what needs to be done, but I can't and then it all falls down on my head like I caused it to happen on purpose and the reality is that I just don't have that kind of control.

And it makes me sad.

I've been having intense dreams. Last night's dream involved spilled soda from a fountain flooding a convenient store, a dog, cleaning the coke up, having twin babies, one dying, and one sitting up and playing in a container of formula..

I don't know what any of it means other than that I have an active imagination. And no my feelings are hurt because I tried to do a nice thing, an honest and open thing, and I got shit on for my efforts. I don't know how to do this divided loyalty thing.

Gideon's bio dad has stopped paying child support. I need to stream line my finances. And with My guy, we have some new goals, like buying a home, or renting another. I went from being rather comfortable to very very tight financially and I need to try to reverse that.

Cutting off the cable TV. Turning down the speed of the internet. And possibly changing cell phone plans and providers. Because you can't change down with a current provider. I'm having a surprisingly emotional response to going from an all the data you want plan and fancy iphone to stepping into a basic calls and texts phone. Why is that? I'd still be able to suer the iphone as a little tablet to play on or use as an ereader. I don't actually need to access email and facebook all day. So what's the problem?

Cw used to read this. He's been busy since he moved to Kansas, and in with me, so I don't know when or if this will be seen. I try to communicate and I try to respect the needs of every one. But at the same time, I feel like everything has been turned upside down and any small bit of normalcy I try to grab back onto is some sort of act of disrespect.

ITs not meant that way. Its meant to just be me trying to make like pleasant for everyone. I just don't know who to do it. The kids wont cooperate on the animals being out all the time. If I'm home I can mediate the critters coming in for a visit and going back out. I feel like I shouldn't be the one who gets bitched at over what happened while I was at work, the little boys were at a sitter, and Isaiah was home alone. And I certainly don't think I should get bitched at three days later when I said, "I let the puppy in to play for a while, but he's back out now".

I totally suck at blogging.

It seems that I've forgotten the first rule of blogging, which is to, you know, blog. Anyway, its been a super busy summer and a lot has happened.

Short story is that I am in a new relationship with an old old friend and I am really enjoying life. Things are going well. Its an adjustment for the kids, but they are liking things too.

School is getting ready to start. I was all excited about the new school year, and the column movement raise I was expecting to get. Until I didn't get it. I remember having a conversation with the HR lady last may when I checked out. At the time she said I was good to go and it would show up on my new contract. Well, the new contract came, and it wasn't on there.

In fact, due to a hiccup in the negotiated agreement, I don't get a raise at all. I was on MS+15 and step eight. The salary for step nine is exactly the same. Id I had moved to MS+30, it would have been a 1200 dollar a year raise.

My new guy grew up in Kansas, he was one of my very best friends in elementary school, but he has spend the last several years living in Colorado. He moved back to Kansas to finish his degree, and I think to be near me (scary flattering, I don't like having that kind of power over a person), but I know he missed it. I was dead set against the idea, partially because I feel like it is silly to walk away from a decently paying job. That was before I was screwed over.

In talking to my co-workers, this seems to be  a pattern. They did the same thing to my friend, Amanda. She was due to move over a column, but then it didn't happen because it wasn't on the transcript she turned in in April, when the paperwork was collected. She graduated in May, and was assured that it would be ok, she'd move up. Then it was reversed and she ended up working a year underpaid.

This year she took a pay cut to quit working for the coop as a special education teacher in order to work for USD 257 as a math teacher.

I should be ok either way. I make enough to carry us. The extra hundred or so a month would be nice, but I'm planning on trimming out cable and internet when school starts and that will save money. I'll also renegotiate the cell contract. The new guy is a sweetie and helps out with stuff and will probably keep doing so.

Anyway, the point was, I'm much more open to a relocation now. Colorado sounds like fun to be honest. Nicer weather, out door activities, higher pay for me, and I'm sure for anyone else when compared to a similar job in Kansas.

There's other stuff to get into, but that's what's on my mind at the moment; well, and the fact that the guy who died yesterday was supposedly this great  composer but all the music clips they play on the news are super annoying.

Or the fact that if summer break were much longer, my kids would be in terminal danger. I'm serious, they are tired of everything, playing outside, watching TV, playing video games, the pool. They've settled into beating each other up and begging for junk food.

I have two classes to take this fall. I'm trying to get the soul sucking coop to cover the majority of the cost, they usually only do one class. If I take two this semester and one next semester, I'll be finished by the summer. It will be hard, but I can do it.

Anyway, I hope that I don't fall off the planet like that again, but no promises.