trying

I swear I am. I just wish I could feel like I can relax. I wish I could just make everyone and everything do what needs to be done, but I can't and then it all falls down on my head like I caused it to happen on purpose and the reality is that I just don't have that kind of control.

And it makes me sad.

I've been having intense dreams. Last night's dream involved spilled soda from a fountain flooding a convenient store, a dog, cleaning the coke up, having twin babies, one dying, and one sitting up and playing in a container of formula..

I don't know what any of it means other than that I have an active imagination. And no my feelings are hurt because I tried to do a nice thing, an honest and open thing, and I got shit on for my efforts. I don't know how to do this divided loyalty thing.

Gideon's bio dad has stopped paying child support. I need to stream line my finances. And with My guy, we have some new goals, like buying a home, or renting another. I went from being rather comfortable to very very tight financially and I need to try to reverse that.

Cutting off the cable TV. Turning down the speed of the internet. And possibly changing cell phone plans and providers. Because you can't change down with a current provider. I'm having a surprisingly emotional response to going from an all the data you want plan and fancy iphone to stepping into a basic calls and texts phone. Why is that? I'd still be able to suer the iphone as a little tablet to play on or use as an ereader. I don't actually need to access email and facebook all day. So what's the problem?

Cw used to read this. He's been busy since he moved to Kansas, and in with me, so I don't know when or if this will be seen. I try to communicate and I try to respect the needs of every one. But at the same time, I feel like everything has been turned upside down and any small bit of normalcy I try to grab back onto is some sort of act of disrespect.

ITs not meant that way. Its meant to just be me trying to make like pleasant for everyone. I just don't know who to do it. The kids wont cooperate on the animals being out all the time. If I'm home I can mediate the critters coming in for a visit and going back out. I feel like I shouldn't be the one who gets bitched at over what happened while I was at work, the little boys were at a sitter, and Isaiah was home alone. And I certainly don't think I should get bitched at three days later when I said, "I let the puppy in to play for a while, but he's back out now".