Correlation

I think it's partially blood sugar. If I get stressed and haven't eaten I'm more likely to fly off into a rage.

I did it again. I don't know if the why is all that important or not. Friday we celebrated Noah's birthday. I gave hi a movie, Cars2. Unfortunately my DVD player was broken and the one from upstairs needed different connectors to use with my TV.

Today I ran to Walmart to get some things including the connectors. But the movie is gone.

There was yelling. There was looking searching more yelling and taking apart furniture and more cleaning. Still no movie.

I have every right to be upset that the movie, a gift for my son, is gone. I do not have the right to say or yell the things I did.

In looking back at the day I noticed something. I was hungry. I tend not to eat regularly especially on weekends. Yesterday I finished painting and didn't eat much. This morning I was out of caffeine and went without anything.

I had intended to eat after Walmart instead the movie was missing and I got mad.

Bad Mommy

Yesterday was a great day. I made chicken nuggets and played with the kids. We watched TV had baths and bedtime. The kids played nice. Our dishwasher is broken so Isaiah and I did the dishes the old fashioned way. Together with hot water a d soap. It was nice.

Tonight was not a good night. I stayed at work until five. Some ladies have been doing aerobics and I decided to join. The session was interesting. I'm way flexible. I just have zero coordination. Also my abs suck.

Got home tired and a little zonked. Kids didn't want what I had planned on cooking. I let them have a fend for yourself night. They chose ramen. I had Isaiah fix it since the smell makes me want to puke. He fed Noah but Gideon said he didn't want to eat. I told him to eat something and Isaiah to fix it for him. Instead they just went upstairs to play video games.

Noah meanwhile was playing with me. Or trying to. He kept bring me crap. It was bugging me so I kept having Isaiah come take him upstairs.

I know he just wanted to spend time with me. He's smart and funny and beautiful and I'm so lousy with him. I hate myself for how bad a mom I am.

Then it was basically bedtime and I decided to feed myself. And gideon announced he wanted MY dinner. And the real facts came out. He hadn't eaten. His noodles were still in the pan. I came unglued.

I yelled at him and Isaiah. I threatened to hit them both. I used language I hated the sound of. I know I scared them. Gideon ate his noodles. Isaiah did a minor chore and took a shower and then watched some TV and wet to bed.

I hate myself. I hate how enraged I get. I hate how little it takes for me to explode. I hate what I know I'm doing to my children. I hate the way I feel serene a d normal after the storm. I hate how u feel like in standing outside myself watching me be a bad mom and really a horrible human being.

I hate that I want help but don't know how to ask for it. I don't want to be taking pills I don't think they work. I don't trust mental health. I'm afraid if I tell someone how I am I will lose my kids.

I'm afraid if I don't change I will ruin my kids. I can't control this so I push strangers away so I don't risk them seeing how I am.

I feel it building. Like a breath I can't fully draw. Like a tension in my back. Ad then I'm yelling. Screaming. Threatening.

I hate this so much. I don't know how to stop it.

And here's the thing that's worst. It's random. It's not logical. It was stinking noodles. He ate. Noah just wanted to sit on my lap and play.

One day I might have played with Noah and growled a little. Yesterday. Today I exploded and didn't want to be touched.

I hate this. The guilt now. They're in bed. I want to go and beg them to forgive me. To forget it. To not be damaged. I don't think I can look the in the eye.

Help me. Someone tell me how to fix this.

I'm Divorced Now

Took me long enough, didn't it?

It was actually not as traumatic as I was afraid. Since I was the person who filed, I had to take the stand. Since we did it without lawyers, the judge questioned me. The questions were pretty general. Did I remember when we were married? Was I sure I wouldn't decide we could be compatible later? Joint Custody of the kids with primary residential custody with me.

I didn't bother to ask for more child support since he doesn't pay me what he owes me now. A parenting plan implies that he intends to follow it, but he doesn't. As things are now he barely sees them and tried to get out of seeing them.

One more signiture and we are done. Yay!

I'm a single woman.

And I think I'm going to be that way for a very very very long time.

The guy I've been talking to is turning out to be a dud.

I'm not sure how much I put on here about him. But the gist is that Amanda introduced us through facebook. I've text messaged and facebook messaged the guy a lot. He's always found a reason not to TALK on the phone. He says things (via text) like he misses me, I'm beautiful, he can't wait to meet me.

I offered to come see him this weekend. I have been craving sushi and its always nice to eat with someone else, and if he was a dud at least the sushi would be worth the drive. He declined.

Says he wants to pay for our first date. On the one hand its really sweet, on the other, how sexist can you be? If I'm worth meeting, why put me off for another three weeks until he gets a paycheck?

And then the final (as far as I am concerned blow) his phone is shut off for nonpayment.

He just moved to the area in October. He hasn't been regularly visiting his child (letting the courts work out the details), which probably means he hasn't been sending support either.

I just got out of a relationship with a poor guy. that guy would let me pay. But it still sucked.

Is it shallow that I don't want another relationship with a poor man? I have enough money that I don't need to be treated all the time. But it seems like this dude just doesn't have much going for him. He needs to get his financial house in order.

And its weird that he says things like me misses me when we've never met or spoken. I am beginning to thing that there really are no good ones left. That only loosers will turn my way. I don't want a looser. I'd rather be single.

I don't want to be one of those bitter, man hating women. But then I look around and I wonder, what the hell happened? Half the species is just crap?

They have an app for that

A blogger app!

Anyway. Been a busy weekend. Kids went to asshat's. Up until Friday night I had planned to go to Kansas city. I was going to go to the Apple Store and play around with the computers. Then maybe treat myself to Sushi. But for some reason the idea of the road trip, which I had been looking forward to all week, suddenly seemed like a very bad idea. I decided to stay home instead.

I ended up pulling up the nasty, impossible to clean, permanently damp carpet in the bathroom. I let the floor boards finally dry and then applied a layer of mold killing primer. Then some inexpensive peel and stick tiles.

It looks better. I can shower without have to step on that nastiness. The job was so easy I may also covertly redo the laundry room and kitchen floors.

Probably shouldn't but I've decided that we are going to be here a good while. I might as well make the space mine instead of just existing in it.

Boys came home this afternoon. I love having them home. I also like getting a break. But after an hour they had dumped some seed starts I set up this weekend. The tray had 7 things planted. Salad greens, and kitchen herbs, now they are all mixed up because the peat pods all fell out of the tray.

I hope they still grow. I was looking forward to fresh chive and coriander, rosemary, dill, oragano and the lettuce mix. now it's gonna be mystery plants.

Pendulums

They swing one way, and then they swing another. Back. Forth. Back. Forth.

Its a lot of moving, and never getting anywhere.

Why is parenting like this? And why are parents, especially mothers, held to ever increasing and increasing and increasing levels of perfection?

Years ago, in my gramma's time, women had to be supportive of their husbands, keep a tidy home, and keep the kids in line.

In my mother's time they were expected to do all those things, plus work.

Now, we have to keep a tidy home, make organic meals from scratch, be sexy and supportive of our men, raise polite, smart, athleticly and academically gifted children, run those children to after school and weekend activities, volunteer at school, read to the kids, and work full time jobs.

Many of us are trying to do this without a partner.


As a society, we've been sold, and accepted, and unreal image of what "normal" is. It is not normal to run yourself ragged in service of children and spouse. In a family, the idea is to achieve happiness and health. Not perfection.

Now comes the new thing, "attachement parenting", which seems to involve letting the infant dictate the household.

Baby wants to play at three in the morning. Fine, turn the lights up and let the baby play. Baby wants tiny meals every half hour, fine, let him "nibble", letting him get a little hungry and then eat a full meal cruel.

Baby wont sleep at night? Fine, let him sleep with you. Sit up rocking him all night. Its better not to stress the baby at all. Because stress is bad. It damages brains. And parents exist to serve the infant. Not raise the infant to be a confident adult. Not provide for the infant. Serve the infant's every whim.

I'm sorry, this is bullshit.

Yes, there are developmental issues. A newborn will not sleep all night. A newborn will want to eat every two to tree hours.

But it is NOT developmentally appropriate to do things like, never ever put the baby down. Like, let older infants and toddlers determine their sleeping and feeding schedules. Like insulate children from all sources of stress or frustration.

Facing frustration is how immature infants and children learn. They learn that they can want something, not get it, and survive. They learn that they can try something, fail, and be ok. They learn that THEY are capable. They learn that THEY can survive and learn independently.

This nonsense about stress, is just that nonsense. The stress the original article was talking about had to do with constant physical abuse and neglect, not having enough food, being in an home where there was always yelling and screaming and drug use and abuse.

This is not the same as the stress experienced when a child has to sit in a crib while the parent gets a shower or a moment's rest or a change of clothes because the one's she has on have been puked on one too many times.

Parenting is hard. Why do we make it harder than it has to be?

This is a trend in parenting that is a continuation of what's been happening for decades. I'm not saying all the changes in child rearing are bad. But as a whole, we've gone from a society that viewed children and things that needed to be molded into miniature adults as soon as possible, with little nurturing and possible beatings along the way to insure it happened quickly, to a society that doesn't want babies to cry.

I am not going to make a lot of predictions of doom and gloom. I think kids are resilient and that they will find a way to be functional adults. I am not going to berate anyone either. I think that most of the people hopping on this issue have the best of intentions.

But I do dislike the tone of the conversation. People are mean. They use the guise of caring about kids to let loose on any convenient target.

Worth keeping

Sex is more than just something pleasurable that two people share and waiting isn't (at least for me) about the guy. I am not attracted to many men, and I tend not to go out with men who don't attract or interest me.

I wait because I value my reputation. I value my body. You like to pretend that sex happens in a vacuum but it doesn't. People carry diseases. People use others. Birth control fails. Sex is biological and messy. Hormones women get as a direct result of heterosexual activity affect the woman's brain in such a way that she perceives attachment.

I do not want to become attached to someone who is not equally attached to me. I've had it happen and it hurts. I do not want herpes or HIV or any of dozens of germs that can maim or leave me unsafe for future partners and dependant on drug therapy to suppress outbreaks.

Knowing someone takes time. Stating boundaries takes maturity. Respecting the boundaries of someone you claim to care for takes honor. If the man I'm interested cant show patience, honor, and maturity he isn't worth risking disease, heart break, and pregnancy.

This is not a "victim" mentality. This is me valuing myself. I'd rather be alone than be with an impatient, immature, dishonorable man.

So far..

I may suck at this money hoarding thing. Today is payday. I made it from one pay period to anotger with 84 dollars in my checking account. I paid my babysitter, my phone bill, my car payment, and my rent. I took my kids to orcshelns intending only to buy warm boots. And also bought dog and cat food ( which I would have gotten anyway) and a 299 dog enclosure. I know it's not fully a waste because the dog tangles himself w
With his tie-out. I had planned to buy one with tax refund money. But I saw a nice one that comes with a waterproof roof on sale.

I am a sucker for the word "sale".

It's not super sleek or electronic. But it safer and more secure for my dog. I still have the utilities and groceries on my " have to" list. And more than enough to cover all of those. I just tend to either spend money stupidly or put off expenditures I shouldn't.

For now I'm calling show boots for tiny feet and a pen for a dog good spending.

The Hardest Thing is to DO NOTHING

I mean it, its hard to for me to not do anything. I can procrastinate by doing things OTHER than what I need to take care of. But to DO NOTHING. That's hard.

So, What is it I'm getting on about?

Money. I like Money. Specifically, I like spending money. Its fun. You give people money and you get pretty new clothes, shiney new toys, tastey food you didn't have to cook. All kinds of stuff.

But after 30 years on the planet. And 14 of those as an employed, tax filing, person. I have come to realize that the vast majority of the stuff I've purchased has been worthless. I mean it, yes I wear clothes, but a lot of the clothes I own and have owned, I haven't worn much. I like music and electronics and eating out and seeing shows, but on a whole, those things haven't enriched my life to the same extent that they've empoverished it.

So, after a few months of carefully tracking where my money goes, I have decided that instead of blowing my tax refund check on a wish list (treadmil, new computer, dog enclosure) I'm going to do nothing with it.

But this will be a strategic nothing. See, my checking account is one of those interst bearing ones. It pays 3% a month. On balances up to $10,000.

So, here's the plan. I let the five grand I get sit. I don't do anything with it. It earns $150 dollars a month. That $150 I transfer into my savings account (where its safe from a spending spree), in addition to that, I also intend to save my child support.

Fact is, when I budget for rent, utilities, car payment, gas, food, daycare, phones, credit cards, internet, I still have over $1,000 unaccounted for. I've blown an embarassing amount of money on eating out, junk food, smultzy crap and assorted worthlessness.

So, instead of blowing the money and getting that jolt of gratification that I get when I buy stuff, I'm going to save my money, let it accrue the maximum amount of interest. And after a year, maybe two, I'll have enough for a reasonable down payment on a house.

I'll also have put enough time in that a lot of the negatives on my credit will have fallen off. (Yep, if it falls off my credit in less than a year, I ain't payin)

I want a house. I want a house. I want a house.

I am tired of renting craptastic junk houses that are uncomfortable, dirty, drafty. They are all the same. I'm not eager to move into another one. So I am staying put, saving money and biding my time.

And one of these days I'll be able to buy a home.

What I did today, part of it anyway

Last Tuesday the man I loved texted me and told me he wants to get married and have a life, but can't see it happening with me. He had the tremendous courtesy to do this while I was at work.

I am a teacher and I have three kids, so its not exactly like I can take a few days to wallow and mourn. So I've been doing a lot of stuffing of emotions and butting on a brave face.

Today things have kinda come bubbling up. See, he was on my cell phone plan. (I know, super stupid, but I thought this was something that was going to last). To get him off my plan, but let him keep his number, I had to meet him at the phone store.

So I drive all the way there and get to the store and there he is. He's still able to look at me and just see through everything. I still think he's one of the most beautiful men on the planet.

I can hardly stand to look at him. And he's trying to make small talk.

"How are the kids?" (Well, I had to tell them that you don't want to be my friend anymore, so they would quit asking me when they will see your kid again and they spent an evening crying) "Fine" is what I say.

"At their dad's?" He askes (you know where they are, our visitation schedules are the same, if you don't have your child, I don't have mine) "yup, he came and got them this morning."

And then the papers are signed and it didn't take nearly as long as the ride over and I can't wait to get out of there.

"That was way more painless than I thought it would be." He says as we leave. (You call this painless?) "Oh yeah, definitely worth the hour drive"

"Tell me what I owe you for the rest of the bill." (You weren't worried about it before you broke my heart. I don't want anything else from you, especially if it means having to stand next to you again. Please, stop talking and just let me leave) "Call it $80, you didn't pay me for either of the last two billing cycles."

"What about the phone" (What about it? I need to leave, I keep remembering that time we did it on your new couch and I can't stand having to be this close to you so please stop talking so I can leave) "I guess you still owe me $40 on that too"

"Ok, well let me know the exact amount" He's stand by his car and I'm backing away towards my van. (I thought $80 plus $40 was $120, but whatever, I know your broke. I knew it the whole time and loved you anyway) "Yeah, ok, I'll let you know."


And then I was in my car and driving home and I just can't stop hurting and all these things I want to say to him are just behind my lips.

Things like "Your life is better because you knew me, its because of me you finished school and decided to not be just a high school drop out"

Things like "You're a hypocrite, you dropped out of school, did drugs, and were a self admitted man whore, but my past makes me not good enough to build a life with"

Things like "Please, please take it back."

But I didn't say anything. It will change nothing. He doesn't want me. I can't make him want me. I wish I could make it not hurt anymore.

My friend is dragging me to the club tonight. I think there are plans afoot to get me very very drunk. At this point I don't know if that's a good idea or not.

My heart hurts and I feel like there's a hole in it. He's out there, living his life, not wanting me, and he knows my secrets, what makes it so I can't sleep, what scares me, what I hope and what I dread. I showed him all those things, and then he decided he didn't want any part of it.

I want to hear him say my name one more time. I want his fingers in my hair. I want him to look at me with those soul-melting blue eyes. I want to go to bed tonight and wake up in the morning and have it all be a huge misunderstanding.

And I don't want any of that. I want to not want it. I want to be strong enough to just be over him. I think about telling someone else all the secrets I've told him and I just feel like I can't.

Like there is a piece of my soul floating outside my body and until it comes back, I will be incomplete.

He wasn't even that good a boyfriend. He hated physical affection that wasn't sexual. Spending time with him was an exercise in logistics. He never had any cash on hand to spend of me or our dates.

But it still hurts.

Denial? Or what?

My friend Amanda set me up with a friend of hers. We have chatted on Facebook and texted. He is sweet funny and cute. He's also four years younger than I am, broke and living in Pittsburg. Chatting with him online is nice. But I'm not all that excited about another long distance thing so I'm taking baby steps for now.

I'm not actually as sad at this point as I feel like I ought to be. Either I'm bottling it up and shoving it Down or I was kidding myself about my feelings. Or I'm a robot. Incapable of deep feelings.

It's been so pretty out the past couple days that it almost seems like spring time. Played on the trampoline with my lil dudes and picked up my yard. Found some truly weird crap the wind must have blown in. With the shed gone my hard looks so much bigger.

Hate This

Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Why is everything so hard for me?

There are people who didn't have bad childhoods, who had smooth transitions into adulthood, and who met and married wonderful spouses without a lot of pain or drama.

I've seen it.

So why is it that my life feels painful, even torturous? Why do I feel like I will always be alone. Like I am always standing on the outside looking into what I can't quite have.

I'm so tired of this. I'm done struggling all the time. Its my turn to be happy.

Isn't it?

Been Dumped

Jason has been oddly quiet and vague with me the past week. Today I found out why. He's been thinking. Doesn't see a future with me. Wants to stay friends.

It hurts. It hurts in a way that is distant now but will probably hurt like hell later. I do love him. I do want to be with him. I think he's a good man.

It also is a relief. If I'm not all angsty about what's going on with him I don't have to worry about staying in is versus moving to Pittsburg. I think the mental discord I've been experiencing has been the fact that part of me saw this comingbut didn't want to see it coming.
I want a relationship in which I am loved and valued. I just haven't found it yet.

I predicted that the numbness, the "I'm ok"-ness, would wear off, and it has. I feel like crying, or running, or screaming. I can't hardly stand the sight and sound of the kids playing. I ran to walmart this evening after they were in bed to pick up some stuff I need for work tomorrow (although I ended up forgetting part of what I needed) and just sitting in the dark car with music played felt like a trigger.

While I was at the store I got coffee icecream, it tastes good, but didn't help the emotional pain. And Benedryl, I want to be able to sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping well anyway, this wont help. I don't want to face the long dark awake.

I can feel the pain, and at the same time, I have the capsule I've put around it. Its separate from me. But its also hurting me.

This stoney, distant feeling is familiar to me. Its how I dealt with being a single mom in college with no friends. Its how I dealt with mom's death. Its how I managed to survive the first few months after I left The AssHat.

And now its the feeling after Jason decided he wants to live with a woman, be married, raise a family, but he can't see doing any of that with me.

Me.

Me who is beautiful and fun to be with. Me who doesn't have a bunch of weird hang ups and is smart to talk to and great in bed. Me who is raising three great kids and works a full time job and supports her self and isn't out to use, abuse, play games with, or take advantage of any one.

I. am apparently without worth. I am not good enough to have and to hold. To be a wife or a mother.

And the sad thing is, there is no one here. I've looked. they are all just, gross. Its a whole town full of men who've either been so poor, so uneducated, or so long at the factory that the idea of basic cleanliness doesn't compute. Bad teeth, dirty faces, the online posts are awful, none of them know what grammar is, let alone how to attempt to apply it.

Ultra conservative asswipes.

I'm doomed to a life alone. I refuse to settle with someone who isn't my match, and there is no match for me here.

It sounds melodramatic and snobby, even as I write it, but its true.

I should have done the smart things and paired off in college like every one else. I miss being part of a pair, I crave to be held and snuggled and loved. I know that I can have a full and happy life alone, but I don't want a full and happy life alone. I want another adult to share it with me.

Why is that so awful?

Moral Failings

I have them, big time.

(also, there seems to be a ratio between the amount of free time I have and the amount of blogging I do - good thing I do this for free)

I tend to be one of those low income earners you hear so much about. Basically, the government has been handing me money at tax time my whole life. Some years my "refund" has been more than my income.

I have never cheated on my taxes.

But this year I was tempted.

I use an online tax prep program. If you enter different numbers, you can see how what you owe or have coming changes.

An honest entry of data results in about a $5,000 dollar refund. If I cut my income in half, that amount jumps to $11,000.

Not kidding.

I was tempted. Me, the person who hates people who live like victims, who work the system dishonestly, who prizes her independence and honesty.

A few pushes on the key board, and there it is. A little research says that EITC fraud is rampant, and not always caught. I probably could have gotten away with it. Or I could have claimed to have filled out the forms late at night, which I did, and suffer from a bit of dyslexia, which I do, and gotten away with paying a monthly fine until I had it all paid off.

I was tempted enough that I researched how to get away with it.

That scares me. Lately I have felt untethered from myself. Maybe longer than lately.

I used to be a person of focus. Of drive, dedication and principle. Or at least I thought of myself that way. I did my own thing, happily so.

Now . . . I feel different. I question where I live, the choices I've made, the values I've held.

I feel like I time of choice making is coming. A cross-roads is ahead. If I were a person who believed in prophesy, I would be afraid, or looking for signs.

I am not a person who believes in those things. I believe is what is real and solid and in front of me. So I do not know what to make of the fact that I find myself planning to defraud the government.

Tax filing season isn't open yet, but the company will hold the information and forward it in a few days. The reason I went ahead and paid now, is so that its done and I can't decide to go after that extra $6K.

New year's eve

So last night was new years eve. I had no fancy plans. The kids and I had a little party. We ate tacos and every one picked out their favorite kind of candy. We put the candy in a bowel and snacked and stayed up all night watching movies. The little boys crashed out on the couch by twelve. I went to bed at one and I think that Isaiah must have spent all night on the x-box.

I am sure tacos, junk food, and TV are probably not going to make me the parent of the new year, but it was nice. I do kind of wish I had a party to go to. But I have never been the party type and I suppose single mothers don't get new years eve kisses. Anyway, I need to stop it with the self pity.

Last night was very windy, we did hear some loud noises that sounded like fireworks around midnight. But I figured things were calming down when I went to bed. I guess it wasn't.

At a little before six this morning there was a loud banging and ringing door bell at the back door. I am not at all mentally smart in the morning so it took me longer than it should have to compute some one outside, must answer door, need pants.

I was afraid that the knocking was my brother,Mike, he's been spiraling downhill for a long time and the las we heard from him he said he was coming to my house. He is not welcome.

It wasn't mike. It was the police. The house I rent has a metal shed. The wind picked it up and tossed it into the neighbors yard. The neighbor called the police. I woke up a very cranky Isaiah and we moved anything valuable into the house or onto the porch. A lot of the things were just trash.

Something one of the officers said has been bothering me. I was standing there on my back porch in a shirt with my arms crossed over my chest and an old pair of pants off the floor. My hair was a mess and I didn't think to grab my glasses so I couldn't see much. And the guy asks me if my husband or boyfriend is home to talk to.

Aside from the implication that I wasn't acceptable to talk to or from the immediate feelings of inadequacy that go along with being publicly outed as being single, one over riding thought. If there were a big scary, protective male in the home, why would little ole five foot two me be the one to answer the door?

Here goes the lonely sad depressed spiral. One of my resolutions is to not indulge that line of thinking. It does me no good. The landlord is taking apart and removing the shed. I doubt I will get a discount on the rent.