Last Tuesday the man I loved texted me and told me he wants to get married and have a life, but can't see it happening with me. He had the tremendous courtesy to do this while I was at work.
I am a teacher and I have three kids, so its not exactly like I can take a few days to wallow and mourn. So I've been doing a lot of stuffing of emotions and butting on a brave face.
Today things have kinda come bubbling up. See, he was on my cell phone plan. (I know, super stupid, but I thought this was something that was going to last). To get him off my plan, but let him keep his number, I had to meet him at the phone store.
So I drive all the way there and get to the store and there he is. He's still able to look at me and just see through everything. I still think he's one of the most beautiful men on the planet.
I can hardly stand to look at him. And he's trying to make small talk.
"How are the kids?" (Well, I had to tell them that you don't want to be my friend anymore, so they would quit asking me when they will see your kid again and they spent an evening crying) "Fine" is what I say.
"At their dad's?" He askes (you know where they are, our visitation schedules are the same, if you don't have your child, I don't have mine) "yup, he came and got them this morning."
And then the papers are signed and it didn't take nearly as long as the ride over and I can't wait to get out of there.
"That was way more painless than I thought it would be." He says as we leave. (You call this painless?) "Oh yeah, definitely worth the hour drive"
"Tell me what I owe you for the rest of the bill." (You weren't worried about it before you broke my heart. I don't want anything else from you, especially if it means having to stand next to you again. Please, stop talking and just let me leave) "Call it $80, you didn't pay me for either of the last two billing cycles."
"What about the phone" (What about it? I need to leave, I keep remembering that time we did it on your new couch and I can't stand having to be this close to you so please stop talking so I can leave) "I guess you still owe me $40 on that too"
"Ok, well let me know the exact amount" He's stand by his car and I'm backing away towards my van. (I thought $80 plus $40 was $120, but whatever, I know your broke. I knew it the whole time and loved you anyway) "Yeah, ok, I'll let you know."
And then I was in my car and driving home and I just can't stop hurting and all these things I want to say to him are just behind my lips.
Things like "Your life is better because you knew me, its because of me you finished school and decided to not be just a high school drop out"
Things like "You're a hypocrite, you dropped out of school, did drugs, and were a self admitted man whore, but my past makes me not good enough to build a life with"
Things like "Please, please take it back."
But I didn't say anything. It will change nothing. He doesn't want me. I can't make him want me. I wish I could make it not hurt anymore.
My friend is dragging me to the club tonight. I think there are plans afoot to get me very very drunk. At this point I don't know if that's a good idea or not.
My heart hurts and I feel like there's a hole in it. He's out there, living his life, not wanting me, and he knows my secrets, what makes it so I can't sleep, what scares me, what I hope and what I dread. I showed him all those things, and then he decided he didn't want any part of it.
I want to hear him say my name one more time. I want his fingers in my hair. I want him to look at me with those soul-melting blue eyes. I want to go to bed tonight and wake up in the morning and have it all be a huge misunderstanding.
And I don't want any of that. I want to not want it. I want to be strong enough to just be over him. I think about telling someone else all the secrets I've told him and I just feel like I can't.
Like there is a piece of my soul floating outside my body and until it comes back, I will be incomplete.
He wasn't even that good a boyfriend. He hated physical affection that wasn't sexual. Spending time with him was an exercise in logistics. He never had any cash on hand to spend of me or our dates.
But it still hurts.
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