Been Dumped

Jason has been oddly quiet and vague with me the past week. Today I found out why. He's been thinking. Doesn't see a future with me. Wants to stay friends.

It hurts. It hurts in a way that is distant now but will probably hurt like hell later. I do love him. I do want to be with him. I think he's a good man.

It also is a relief. If I'm not all angsty about what's going on with him I don't have to worry about staying in is versus moving to Pittsburg. I think the mental discord I've been experiencing has been the fact that part of me saw this comingbut didn't want to see it coming.
I want a relationship in which I am loved and valued. I just haven't found it yet.

I predicted that the numbness, the "I'm ok"-ness, would wear off, and it has. I feel like crying, or running, or screaming. I can't hardly stand the sight and sound of the kids playing. I ran to walmart this evening after they were in bed to pick up some stuff I need for work tomorrow (although I ended up forgetting part of what I needed) and just sitting in the dark car with music played felt like a trigger.

While I was at the store I got coffee icecream, it tastes good, but didn't help the emotional pain. And Benedryl, I want to be able to sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping well anyway, this wont help. I don't want to face the long dark awake.

I can feel the pain, and at the same time, I have the capsule I've put around it. Its separate from me. But its also hurting me.

This stoney, distant feeling is familiar to me. Its how I dealt with being a single mom in college with no friends. Its how I dealt with mom's death. Its how I managed to survive the first few months after I left The AssHat.

And now its the feeling after Jason decided he wants to live with a woman, be married, raise a family, but he can't see doing any of that with me.

Me.

Me who is beautiful and fun to be with. Me who doesn't have a bunch of weird hang ups and is smart to talk to and great in bed. Me who is raising three great kids and works a full time job and supports her self and isn't out to use, abuse, play games with, or take advantage of any one.

I. am apparently without worth. I am not good enough to have and to hold. To be a wife or a mother.

And the sad thing is, there is no one here. I've looked. they are all just, gross. Its a whole town full of men who've either been so poor, so uneducated, or so long at the factory that the idea of basic cleanliness doesn't compute. Bad teeth, dirty faces, the online posts are awful, none of them know what grammar is, let alone how to attempt to apply it.

Ultra conservative asswipes.

I'm doomed to a life alone. I refuse to settle with someone who isn't my match, and there is no match for me here.

It sounds melodramatic and snobby, even as I write it, but its true.

I should have done the smart things and paired off in college like every one else. I miss being part of a pair, I crave to be held and snuggled and loved. I know that I can have a full and happy life alone, but I don't want a full and happy life alone. I want another adult to share it with me.

Why is that so awful?