MEN

They piss me off sometimes.

J, the one I was done with? The one who would sleep with me, invite me camping, introduce me to all his friends, make plans to visit casino-hotels with me, but wouldn't call me his girlfriend? Well, he calls last night, just to chit chat. And its like, what do you want? You want to talk to a mature adult when you are home and bored and lonely, but you don't want to be in any sort of actual relationship with that adult?

Its a waste of my time. That's what it is. I was civil, but not all that interested in what he had to say and the call ended pretty quick.

Then today after church I am dog ass tired because I couldn't sleep last night so I spend the whole night up reading. So, being tired, I went to take a nap when the kids did. couldn't sleep, so I got online and was cruising a relationship themed board.

And I know, people on those places are cruel and purposely extreme in a way that they would never be in real life. But its like, a woman has to be built like a victoria's secret model or pin up, have a high paying career, keep up a perfect house, never have a hair out of place, be pure as the driven snow but sexually adventurous and willing, and have absolutely no past baggage in the form of marriages or kids.

And it kinda pisses me off. Because I can't win that game. I am not built like a model. I'm losing weight and can fit into clothes that six months ago I couldn't, but I'm still squishy and probably always will be. I like sex and haven't slept with a huge number of men, but lets face it, three little kids give a different impression, and the fact that I tend to decide yes or no on the sex relatively early on is apparently a bad thing.

I'm a terrible house keeper. Seriously, if it isn't jumping at me as I walk through the room it isn't going to bother me.

It just bugs me. Because on the one hand is this guy who doesn't act very well towards me and who I know isn't good enough for me, but at least he'll give me the time of day. And on the other hand are these guys who are supposedly better matches to me and they as a group hold me in contempt for things that happened in my past that I can't change now.

And the whole Christian dating thing? Please. I had one person tell me that because I left my husband for something other than cheating, I was forcing any man who got with me to be an alduterer. I guess threatening to kill you isn't good enough reason to leave a spouse.

Grr, I don't know why I get wound up like this. Except that I have never been the pretty woman in the room. I've always been invisible and now I feel like I am going to be that way forever. And always having to choose between being alone, being made fun of, or the guy who just isn't good for me.