666

That's the number of posts as of this one.

Well, I thought it was funny.

Summer is winding down. I always feel a little meloncholy this time of year. Summer starts and there is so much possibility and potential. Things that could be done, places that could be gone. Its like a blank page in a composition book, waiting to be written on.

And then summer happens. I am lazy on purpose. I stay out late, I sleep in. I go see dad. I swim with the boys. It is this wonderful, lazy, unstructured time.

And now, its over, or almost over. Work will soon be starting. Kids will need to be shuttled around, supplies purchased, schedules refined.

Its a good thing in a lot of ways. Too much free time on my hands is a bad thing. I live too much inside my own head without something pulling me out of it. Sometimes that means I waste hours daydreaming or attempting to write the next great novel. Other times that means I get in a negative loop.

Speaking of negative loops, the other day I think I had what can only be called a waking nightmare. I saw myself entering a room, where there was a gathering of people. I'd been invited by someone there, it was supposed to be a friendly group.

And in that group was the man who molested me when I was 7. In my dream or what ever it was, I got a gun from a car and held it on him until he told the group what he'd done. In reality, my chest got tight, my breath got hard to catch and my stomache turned. It was like slow motion panic.

I don't know what that means. I don't why 20 years or more after the fact, it still haunts and affects me, in some ways more than it did in the past.

I'm not sure what to do about it, other than confront the feelings and images until they stop having so much affect on me. I don't know where he lives or even if he's still alive. I am afraid that if I did track him down, I'd stalk and kill him.

Yes, I know I have that in me.

Anyway, another potentially bad pattern has looped back around,

Jason. I can't get the man out of my system. We've spent the past two weekends together. Being around him makes me feel calm and content in a way that is hard to explain. We talked a little and the "facts" of the situation are so stupid.

We get along. He makes me calm down and loosen up. I inspired him to go back to school, finish his high school and start college. He's thinking of going for teaching or some other profession.

But

I live too far away to be a regualr girlfriend. I already have three kids and am hesitant to have another child, he wants to marry a woman and have babies with her.

But . . . we go so good together.

I think he gets ahead of himself. I think there's a difference between being a dating couple, and a married couple having kids. In his head, one indicates the other will happen.

I don't know what to do. The truth is that I probably love him. The truth also is that what ever his feelings for me are, I am not what he has pictured for his life.

Like I said, I don't know what to do. I don't want to let him go and I don't have any tangible hope that anything more will ever come of us.