Growl

My ex-husband's new girlfriend had a baby girl today. I can't articulate why that pisses me off. The fact that he made sure to be there in the hospital when she delivered but he couldn't even manage a kind word to me when I delivered. The fact that she already has three, including a daughter, and this is his fifth child, and a little girl.

I love my boys and I love being a mom. I love all the rowdy little boy things I get to do with them and the wonderful little boy imaginings and hugs and kisses I get to enjoy. But in my heart of hearts I have known for a long time that I wanted a girl. Every single pregnancy I wanted it to be a girl (and healthy blah blah blah). Don't get me wrong, I love my sons. But I also wanted a girl.

And he got one.

Of course, the flip side of that is that I am a responsible parent who raises the kids most of the time. He sees them over nights twice a month, it adds up to two nights and four days a month. Not exactly a lot of time. I understood soon after Noah was born that I can handle these three boys, but any more children would probably be too many and had a tubal procedure done.

My little family in as big as it needs to be.

That doesn't mean I don't sometimes pine for a little baby that is all soft and smelling like new life and innocence to hold and love. But I know that that craving doesn't have much to do with the reality of my life, which is stressed, busy, and full.

I am working so hard on being able to be okay. To be away from government assistance and out of debt. To be healthy, limber and fun. To have a work/life balance.

And part of that is trying to distance myself from the anger I still feel towards him. I understand that he is not a material help in their lies, he barely pays child support, he doesn't spend much time with them, and he is unwilling to take any burden from me if I am unable to parent due to illness, stress, or what ever.

But it really, really pisses me off that he seems to want to do that for another woman's children.

I need to let this go. I need to be alright with things. I cannot change his horrible behavior. I can only be glad that I am not longer caught up in his orbit.