He makes me feel like this.

I saw him Monday. Had a great time. Went out for Thai food, rented a couple of movies, danced to the Avett Brothers in his living room.

Wanted to stay longer, but thought the kids were being delivered to me Tuesday, so I rushed back to Iola. Got home, puttered around and then get a call, Ass Hat wants the kids until Wednesday night. I could have spent almost two more days with my lover.

The whole drive home, I was a mixture of happy for having seen him, enjoyed him, gotten to be with him. And sad for the fact that it will likely be several days before I see him again.

I want so badly to have him be a part of my life forever. But I also am afraid to admit it out loud for fear of him rejecting me. And I'm also afraid of getting into a more serious relationship.

I jumped into a relationship with Gideon's biological father, and ended up being used for housing and rides, when I got pregnant he turned into an asshole and left. I then jumped into a marriage with the Ass Hat. I was a single mother to two boys and felt like no man would want me, so I jumped at the first one who showed the slightest interest.

I ended up moving around the country five or six times in a year, being trapped with a volatile personality, and being a participant in criminal behavior. I left with two suitcases and yet another baby.

Now this man, who is as shy about revealing his feeling as I am. Who has floated in and out of my life for over a year and a half. Who has broken up with me and had be break up with him, with the both of us coming back to each other.

My best idea is to move back to pittsburg, so that instead of living an hour and half away from him, I live ten minutes. The idea being we can see more of each other more often.

But is that cowardly? Is that me uprooting my kids yet again?

Am I just an idiot? Am I being played?