Not always about me

I am a selfish, self-centered person. I tend to get sad and lonely when I don't have a lot of contact with other people than my sons. My own children are very dear to me and love me very much, but the constant neediness drains me, even more than their affections fills me.

I get stuck inside my own head where everything can be distorted, distracted and confused. I don't know why I do this. I'm either perfectly normal, or I'm bi-polar. Who can say?

My cousin, Nick, is very seriously hurt. He has multiple rib fractures, fluid collecting on his lungs, skull fractures, Cerebral-spinal fluid leaking from his nose and ears, broken bones in his face, a C1 spinal fracture and brain tissue bruising and tearing. They tried to wean him from sedation and he became unmanagable. They tried to wean him from the ventilator and he didn't breath on his own, so for now he's still sedated and still on the vent. He has chest tubes in place to pull the fluid from his lungs.

I know enough about the human body to know that any one of these things is bad news. I don't know how to calculate his chances with all of these. I tried looking them up, but can't get very far. I don't think he'll ever be the same, if he lives.

I keep trying to distance myself from the worry and grief, but then I get a text update and get teary again. I try to focus work and homework and can't.

Speaking of homework, I've seriously blown it this semester. I'm gonna cobble together something, but its gonna be bullshit. I don't know why I've blown this off. Work too, has this self directed staff development that I haven't been doing. I think as much as I enjoy being a teacher, I am tired of being a scholar. If that makes any sense.

I've also decided that I am going to apply for work back in Pittsburg. I like teaching, I don't like this being an over blown para with no power to affect anything my students experience. I really don't like living in a one grocery store town over an hour away from everyone I care about, where there are no rental houses even available that aren't just slums.

As of now there are three positions in special education I can apply for next year. I have a feeling there will be more as time progresses. For the past three or four years teachers who were going to retire haven't because of the economy, but now the state is getting hinky with the pensions and the economy is starting to slowly perk up, people are retiring, moving, having babies to stay home with, again.

I tried to be slow and rational about the choice. But even if Jason and I don't go anywhere relationship-wise, Pittsburg still has cheaper groceries, more and better quality housing options, better parks, better rec programs, and a more economically diverse population (here is poor people and the few professionals still left in town, 70% free lunches in the schools), better services for my kids, more and better options for childcare.

And I like it. I like being near the college. I like being a short hop-skip-jump from either shopping and dinning in Joplin or from my friends and family who are in Pittsburg, Joplin, or Parsons.

So, I'm going to apply. I am going to graciously accept what happens after that. For now, I will continue to try to do a decent job under these weird circumstances. I will pay my bills and save my pennies.