Until N stopped calling, texting, replying or basically aknowledging my existence. I have no idea why. We didn't fight. Or argue. One day we were texting every few minutes and making plans to see each other the next weekend. The next day the silence was deafening. I was a bit bummed at first, but then I realized something, its a good thing.
And then there are other things I "knew"
I Knew that Jason wasn't interested in me. But then I was bummer because N blew me off and just wanted to talk to someone and found something else out. The man's been working three jobs and going to school and maintaining his visitation schedule with his son. He hasn't been blowing me off, or using me, he's been busy.
Friday evening we went out for sushi. He blew off his job, I blew off my upset at N. Jason ended up loosing one of the jobs, but he's still working for his building owner and he's selling on ebay, making quite a bit doing that actually.
We ate dinner (sushi, both of us agreed we could have eaten way more, but that's the nature of sushi), he helped me pick out a lawn mower, then we drank wine and goofed off at his house. No sex involved what so ever. We did sleep holding hands. (I don't know why that's important, but it seems it is).
We hung out a bit the next day, then I came home, put together my new lawn mower and mowed my yard.
At this point I am not reading anything into the relationship. I wish I could see him more, but have no real drive to live with him.
Another thing I thought I Knew: That I need to live where I work.
That's not true. I miss Pittsburg. I miss the parks, the YMCA, the various amenities, the school with resources for special needs kids.
I think I'm gonna try to find two things. A job closer to pitt and a house there. If I don't find a job, I'll commute. I don't know how it will work exactly, but I'll figure it out. I thought living in Iola would make it easier, but I'm still fighting after school issues, Gideon's special needs seem to have confounded both mental health and the coop with both figuring the other ought to handle it.
And then there's the big thing I thought I knew.
I thought I was safe. But my cousin recently had a huge scare. She tested positive for Chlamydia, HPV, and HIV. She's slept with more men than I have and has been much freer with her affections than I ever have.
But its still terrifying. She goes in for confirmation later this week.
I made a doc's appointment and went in. I told her I've been pretty safe, but that I haven't been screened since I was pregnant with Noah, so five years. Got lots of blood drawn. I get results early next week.
I have no expectations for the future.
Either my relationship with Jason will grow or it will not. For now, he's an honorable man with serious issues of trusting in women and in feeling like he's not worthy of a relationship.
Either I will find an affordable place in Pitt or I will not.
Either I will get a closer to Pitt job or I will not.
I know a few things: That I have multiple friends and cousins living in Pittsburg, not to mention my niece.
That I miss the features of the community.
That my current job is a waste of my talents.
Aside from that, all I can do is my work, hope, and wait.
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