Sometimes

Life isn't hard or painful or unjust. Sometimes its just life and you find yourself too busy with crap that used to have meaning or be in some way important and now its just crap.

And then if you're like me you go poking around with your own emotions until you feel something again.

I suspect all this is a sign on serious mental illness. Or just that I'm tired of being singe and when I want something I get obsessive about it, which leads to issues throughout my life.

Anyway for some clarification, went and saw a new guy Friday. He's funny and smart and a smartass and I had a great time. I think he did too. But now I'm all worried about how much he is or isn't texting me and reading into that.

And I can't quit thinking about Jason. I creep his facebook profile and look at pictures. It would be easier, but he keeps in touch! He'll open a chat window or text and we'll have a conversation about his crappy car or his kid or what ever's bugging him. And that opens up all these thoughts about what he really wants and feels, but we can't have that conversation because he shuts it down everytime I bring it up.

I can't live this way. Wanting him and knowing that he's got this list of reasons we can't be a couple and I can't do anything about most of them.

And I think the other guy is nice, but its early and I'm probably trying to move some feelings i have for Jason on to him, which isn't fair to him and certainly not good for any relationship.

And the short explanation is that I am a mess and I tend to mess up my life when I should be enjoying how great things are.

I have a GREAT JOB that allows me to pay all my bills and not stress about cash.

I have three great, healthy kids.

I am smart and attractive and successful and in good health.

So why is it that the men who catch my eye are 75 miles away, broke, and even more full of issues than I am?

Life was so much simpler when I just didn't bother with men, sex, or dating . . . . ..