I tend to consider myself a good mom. I like to think I have always had a good balance between being overly protective and leaving them to fend for themselves. I think that I have done a good job of raising my boys to be smart, independent, careful, smart, thoughtful, and smart asses. (Yes, I think being a bit of a smart ass is a sign of a well balanced human being)
At times the choices I made were not the choices I wanted to make. For example, when we all lived in Neodesha, Noah got into a day care cent but Gideon did not, so he attended a home day care. I wanted them both in the day care center. The teachers were actual early childhood teachers, and there was a lot of in and out with visiting teachers and parents dropping in and picking up kids. Gideon stayed with the wife of the pastor of out church.
At teh daycare center, if something wasn't going well, they had policies in place to discipline the child. At Elain's house, when Gideon wouldn't stop jumping on the couch in the room where he had to stay, he was spanked so hard that his bottom was literally black when I bathed him that evening. I should have called the police right then and there. I regret to this day that I didn't.
But, either in a child care center, or in a home day care, I wanted my children babysat during the day. I worked and wanted to continue working. Its the same with other things. I put my kids in disposable diapers. The choice was made not just for my own convinince, but because after looking at the reusable diapers and "diaper systems" out there, I figured that between purchasing the diapers and liners, and constantly running the laundry, and having to make sure we had lots of extra materials on hand, it wasn't any less expensive or wasteful. I think the landfill factor may have been better with reusable diapers, but the time and resources out into cleaning them would have off set that.
I bring all this up, because for a long time I was the only mama in my generation. There was my cousin, Opal, but her life and mine were so divergent that comparasons were not apparent. And her basic parenting choices were always similar. Daycare, the best you can get, but still daycare, disposable diapers, public schools.
Now I have two other cousins who are moms and another who will have a baby in the spring time. My cousin, Autem, married and started her family right out of high school. She is now a Math teacher. Her kids were in daycares from the time they were babies. When the family lived in Pittsburg, the kids were in a large child care facility there. Now the family lives in Altamont and the kids attend the daycare her mother runs part of the time and another daycare part of the time.
Her sister, Amber, is a different story. Amber had twins almost two years ago. Even though she has always worked jobs, in her mother's daycare, and in jobs, and even though she has a Master's degree, she only works PRN, which means she is less than part time and takes very few shifts. Her children have only been babysat by one of their grandmothers or aunt. The kids do not use normal diapers and she makes a big deal about her or her kids being on facebook.
For some reason, I take all this kinda personally. Its like they are equating good parenting with this and for some reason, if she is a good parent, then I must be a bad one. No one has said this, its all in my own head. I know that one person can make different choices than another and not be a bad parent.
Then there's the cousin having the baby. She just found out that the baby is a girl and has already stated that private school as a must. This particular woman was wild as a tween, teen, and really up until the moment she got pregnant. She has always had her mother and step father bail her out of any situation she was in and has never had to even pay her own bills, if she runs short, her mom takes care of it.
I know part of her statement is a joke, but part of it is also a response to the fact that she was not an ideal child. But she dosen't seem to see (and neither does her mother) that her wildness was not because she was a girl, it was because she never faced any real concequences or had any real boundaries. I know the pattern is going to repeat because my aunt is still bailing out all her kids and running around making sure they have cars, houses, jobs, and comfort. The grandkids already in that particular family are all one kind of spoiled or another.
The cousin, Opal, who's choices used to be similar, is now way off. She puts her kids to bed at 7:00 and wonders why they gripe, except for the youngest, who is autistic. She has decided that she doesn't want to deal with his fits so she just lets him do what he wants. The 7 and 12 year olds are told to lay the fuck down and go to sleep, but the 4 year old wanders around, gets a snack, watches cartoons and snuggles in mom's bed until he falls asleep. Aside from potty training, he really has no boundaries. And no one sees that this is completely ass backwards because the whole family is about talking about follow through and responsibility, but not about training their kids for it..
I know I'm coming off as judgmental and that this is all hard to follow. But I also know I can't express it to my aunts and cousins without causing hurt feelings and rifts. If the one branch wants to overly shelter those twins, that's their business. At the same time, they hand toddlers a phone and say go take pictures. Then one toddler is fighting over the phone with another. No one thinks, hmm, toddlers are not good for phones and phones like the nice new top of the line samsungs are not for toddlers. The other branch wants to blame public schools for the adult kids' inability to act sensibly and sanely. Meanwhile the new generation is being spoiled.
Myabe its because my mom is gone. My kids have no gramma or local grampa who will do the kids of things I see my aunts and uncles doing for my cousin's children. Or do for me what they've done for my cousins for that matter. No one has ever paid my bills, given me a car when mine died, or bought a house at auction for me to live in rent free. No one has ever covered for me when my own mental health made me a bad parent. And no one really ever will.
So when I look at how cool my kids are and then look at the totality of my choices, I know I did my best and I did it on my own. I need to be able to be proud of that without feeling threatened by the choices others have made.
In the meantime, its Thanks Giving Break, its beautiful outside, Chis is fixing bikes with the boys and all is right in my world.
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