I'm sure you've noticed, dear readers, that I am not writing on here nearly as often as I used to. When I started blogging, it was out of a need for an emotional outlet. I look back at the person I was five and six years ago and at the person I am not.
Then I was lost and alone and terrified. I was scared that nothing would change and afraid of the wrong sort of change happening. I felt isolated and powerless to change my life for the better. I had a community around me that was actively working to sabotage me. I'm sure they didn't, and still don't, think of it that way. But when a man who calls himself "Preacher" beats a child's bottom so hard its black and blue over jumping on a couch, and then calls child protective services on that child's mother over a messy home, there really is no other word for it.
When a supposed friend backs out of promises to take a carless mother to a grocery store, and then calls cps when she is out of food, its sabotage. The wrong kind of milk, the wrong kind of discipline, the kids coats on but not zipped, the kids don't have enough clothing . . . . these were things these people reported me on. They reported me so much that the social worker assigned to me told me to sever ties and move away.
I found a way to do it.
I pursued higher degrees and better jobs. And now I am that scared woman, but I'm more. I'm a confident teacher. I have a boyfriend who is truly the sweetest person I know. I have bright, smart boys who are fun and funny.
My dad still lives too far away and seems to place everyone and everything above me. I don't know if he realizes how it looks when he takes all these trips but he can't take one to come see me. I can't spend more energy on that anymore. I love him and I choose to maintain the relationship for my kids. But I can't take it personally anymore. I've come to realize just how damaged he and his wife are.
I have friends here that care about me because they like and respect me. They build me up. They don't overwhelm me with advice and offers of help that come with string attached. I have a job that it hard every single day, but it is rewarding every single day.
If I don't blog as much anymore, it is because the internal noise has quieted down enough that I don't need to use blogger as a place holder for my thoughts and emotions.
I still have things that I need to deal with. I'm a slob, chris is a neat freak. We go around a bit over finding a happy medium. Chris wants to buy a house, I don't mind renting; if I own a place I want it to be nice and I want it to be close enough to my current job that the kids don't need to change schools.
My oldest son is turning 14 and I'm not sure I'm ready for him to be a teenager. I know kids his age who are parents. Who are experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I worry about the kids he is hanging out with and what he does for fun when he's away from my sight.
I want to trust him and be cool. I also want to know what he's doing and where he is and who he hangs out with and what their parents do for a living. I can't seem to manage both. I think my youngest may be academically gifted. He picks up spelling and reading so fast. I realized he might be truly gifted when I spelled out for his big brother "we may be going to the Z - O - O or to P-U-T P-U-T. And Noah says "We're going to the Zoo!".
And now he sees words and asks me what they mean. Words on TV, Brands and initials on products around the house, things on paper. He wants to know what it says.
Gideon is still a nut. He plays very intently with small objects, creating a world and a story line for them with lines and sound effects and little props. It can drive you nuts if he's doing it next to you. He is so intent on it that it takes some effort to break through it to get his attention. And then later he's impulsively bouncinf from sofa to floor and back, or sitting upside down on the chair. He is behind in school and on special education. I'm afraid they are going to want him medicated and I really don't want to do that.
The more I work with big kids, the more convinced I am that medicating a brain is no way to make it a normally developed brain.
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