Interrupted

I've tried very hard to spare my sons some of the things that were the most hurtful in my childhood. In many ways I've been successful at that.

I grew up afraid of the adults. I was afraid to talk back, afraid to ask, afraid to question. Going into the parents' bedroom or personal areas was like daring a dragon's lair; not something one did unless one had to. To wake the mom from a nap or early on a weekend (and later, when she no longer worked, any day) was suicide. And then there were the times that she was dangerous no matter what you did. If you didn't say enough or said too much or stayed close or went for a walk. There was nothing you could do to avoid it. Even going to bed was no guarentee of safety. She was not above yanking you out of bed to let you know she was unhappy with something you'd done.

My sons are not afraid of me. They are a bit too comfortable with my personal space. I can't get the little dudes to sleep in their own beds and they all seem to think my bedroom is the one to hang out in. We're working on it, but I am such a sound sleeper that they tend to sneak into my room and not ever wake me up.

The morning is a whole other thing. The crack of dawn wakes them, they wake me. I try to let Isaiah sleep in.

But there are also things I wanted to spare my kids, but haven't. I never wanted to raise them without a real dad. But I picked my men so poorly. Gideon's biological father wants nothing to do with him. The man pays child support ordered by the court. That's it. The ASS Hat is a chronic liar, blow hard and ass hole. He has worlds of potential that he's squandered in attempting to pull scams to get by. Why buy gas when you can steal is? That only works until everyone in town knows its your car with stolen tags. Why get educated when you are good enough with fonts to fake credentials? They actually do check that sort of thing.

Habits like that have ruined his reputation to the point that its not him being paranoid, no one wants to hire him because no one knows whats true and what isn't and they don't want to take the risk. He worked as a grill cook at sonic when we met in high school and that's where he works now. He sees his sons, but not as often as he could and the time they are at his house, he's not really paying much attention to them. So I failed, they have absent fathers. I'm so bad at picking men that I've practically given up, so I doubt that a surrogate dad will be in the picture anytime.

I also wanted to spare them the sensation that people are temporary. In my childhood people came and went. I had a dad and then he was gone and I didn't see or hear from him for years. I had a step parent who was a monster, but he had kids and for a while I had a sister. I loved having a sister. We talked and shared things and it was wonderful. Then my mom left her dad and she was gone from my life. I've looked for her, but haven't found any traces that might be her. IT was the same with friends, but that was because of how unstable mom got to be, their parents didn't want them around her, so they couldn't be around me.

When I was very little, and my parents were still big into drugs, there were people around who were friends of theirs, but to me they were aunts, uncles, and "cousins", I remember the house being full of people. They were mostly into pot so it wasn't scary or weird, just conversation and cards and music and the kids playing in the back room. But that ended too. I ran into some of those kids later in high school, but by then our parents' habit was a secret. We didn't socialize much.

My children have been sheltered from drug use, I've never used and rarely drink. But I let people into their lives, thinking it was a good thing. My brothers both spent time living with us, but the guys are just so unstable and messed up, I finally have had to just cut ties. What good is having a male relative around if the male relative steals, uses drugs and alcohol and flies into rages when he doesn't get his way? Even worse, I allowed a man friend of mine into their lives. Jason used to be over here twice a month with his son. The boys would all play and it was like a slumber party and Jason would hang out and do things with Isaiah that only guys would do. It was so nice. But now he's gone from our lives and my little boys keep asking when Nevik will come over again and I have to tell them that his dad doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

I caused that loss to come into their lives. It was my carelessness that allowed the situation to develop.

When I was younger and mom was sick, I hated it. I hated that she slept all the time and we had to be careful not to wake her up or bother her. I missed out on things I wanted to do because I was afraid to ask her. I remember walking home from the bus stop and being afraid she'd be dead, or vanished. I hated having to take care of her, everything from cooking and cleaning for her to making sure she was taking her meds to checking her into the hospital or calling 911 and explaining her medical history and medications to the EMTs.

A child should not have to do that.

Today I had a migraine so bad I couldn't talk. Isaiah had to watch his brothers and keep them out of my room so I could rest. It was triggered by a sinus heachache, my dad called it a sinus attack. All I know is that a nap and benedryl cured it enough that I could get up and function. But I hate that it happened.

I wish I was a better mom and had given more thought to the men I had babies with. I love my sons and would do anything for them, they should have a real family.

I wish I had given it to them. I do my best and I think they are happy and secure for the most part. But I wish I did better.