It isn't that things aren't happening. And it isn't that I all of a sudden don't need to process them. Its just that the drive to write about it has gotten vaguer.
I'll get an idea about something to write about and file it away for when I have time, and then I get busy or I'm exhausted and can't put two words together.
To recap: I can't, but here's some things that have happened of late.
Its been two months since Jason broke up with me and it stings more now than it did then. I don't know if that's because I was in shock or denial or what. I loved him, still love him in a way. I wouldn't take him back, I know he'd hurt me. I still think he's a good person and I miss having him in my life.
I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why I don't have many and they don't work out. Its me that is the problem. On the one hand I am very independent. For example, a couple of weeks ago I went on a shopping trip with my cousins. My younger cousin is 21 and a college student. She went through a very rough time in high school with repeated running aways, staying with older men and taking drugs and trading sex for drugs and money. But now she's pretty much back on a normal track.
My point is that the girl has used up a lot of good will in the people who care about her. We were talking about checking accounts because her older sister, who is a year older than I am (31!) was complaining that her bank was charging her for stupid things like seeing printouts of account activity to the tune of $5 a page.
My bank gives online access with real time activity shown and pays me interest on any balance under ten grand. The younger cousin's contribution was that she likes a different bank because it's easy to set up the account and besides, with her account at the same bank as her parents, its very easy to transfer money from theirs to hers when she needs it.
That detail shouldn't bother me, but it does. It was unnecessary to include at all and its an asinine reason to pick a bank anyway. But then I got to thinking. I don't have parents that can give me money when I need it. I never have had that. As a result, I am very responsible with my money and I take pride in being able to pay all my bills or finding a way to make things work if I can't. I also wouldn't take money from my dad or my aunt if they offered.
Back to relationships, to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to take from someone something you need. Emotion, support, sex, money, help. Something. I enjoy many parts of being in a relationship, but I hate needing it. I don't let myself need another person in that way.
That's very safe. It protects me and keeps me strong, but I think it also pushes others away.
The other reason I am no good at relationships is that I've never seen or been in a "good" one. I've seen them shown on TV or read about idealized versions in books or either the self help or romance variety, but in person, not really.
I think a behavior that complex, with give and take, compromise and boundary, all that, it has to be learned. I saw and still see situations that I don't want any part of. My parents were alcoholic, mentally ill, dysfunctional messes. My granparents hated each other and were only together because it was proper. My aunt, the one who gives money to her daughter, is married to a man who I know has personality issues.
Drugs, abuse, mental instability, selfishness; these are the things I see people I love stuggling with in their spouses and partners. I don't want that. I realize that loving someone makes those problems disappear.
Maybe I'm too independent. Maybe I am too picky about the qualities I want in a partner. I do know that I want mental health, sanity, physical health and attractiveness. I want humor and honor and honesty and work ethic.
Those things are hard to find on their own. All together, probably impossible. And then the person who has all those would have to be willing to put up with and even care for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment