Lacking in Motivation

Its Sunday night. Spring break is over and I go back to work in the morning. But instead of getting ready and going to bed, I'm up and wired. Partly its that I was so blah and lazy yesterday and today and partly because I wish it was just summer and I didn't have to worry about going back to work for a couple of months.

I don't know how it is I can love my job and not want to go back at the same time. Part of it is that I'm just tired of the grind and feeling like I get no respect or control in my job. I feel like a hypocrite. I wanted a classroom, lesson plans, papers to grade and kids to teach. Instead I have a lot of sitting around waiting to be able to be helpful. And no classes to teach and only attendence in seminar, think homeroom, to take.

But lets not forget the IEPs to plan and the "progress" to track and the fact that I am somehow responsible for the success of children I've never met. That's the part I'm beginning to hate.

Went and saw dad over spring break. Surprised him. Got to spend three whole days with him. I know it sounds selfish, but it was nice to enjoy his company without having the boys around, they went to see their dad and seem like they had a good time.

I really want to move to Tennessee. I know this seems like a reversal from previous positions. In a way it is. In another way, its a refinement of previous positions. I miss teaching science. I miss being close to my dad. I hate moving. Therefore, moving again must mean moving to be near my dad and to once again teach science.

I've put in several applications for jobs in his area. If I were braver I'd just move and trust that I'm hard enough working and enterprising enough to land on my feet and float until the science job showed up.

I'm not sure I am that brave though. I like having that certainty that there was a paycheck coming that more than covers what I need for the month. I remember what it was like to juggle when I paid bills and bought groceries so that things never quite got too lean or too late or too dark. It made me feel small and scared and worried all the time.

I think I'm a bad mom. I love my little sons and even like playing with them, but sometimes I know they want me to play but I get caught up in a show or something and let the whole day pass and spend hardly any time with them. Today was like that. I have legitimate work I needed to do, didn't do it. Didn't play with Noah either. I wonder why I do that.

Now its almost eleven, he's in bed, and I wish I had played with him. I suck as a mom.

Watched "trainspotting" or at least part of it this evening. I turned it off after the part where the baby died. If I had known that was in there, I wouldn't have started the movie at all. I knew it was controversial with drug use and aids and criminality, but somehow no one mentioned the dead baby. That's probably part of why I wish the little guys were still up and that I had played more with them today.

Gotta do better. Better at work. Better with the boys. Better about saving money, especially if I really am moving to Tennessee.

I've never stayed anywhere longer than two years, not since mom died. Maybe I need to examine why that is.