Dislocation

I finished a book this evening. Id like to be able to claim I discovered a great new work. But I didn't. I reread THE STAND by Steven king. I think I was twelve or fourteen the first tome I read it. I know it was odd to see a kid my age lugging around such a.large, serious book. It seems like instead of revisiting old friends or locations I revisits the books I read. When I was younger and life was simpler. It wasn't necessarily safer. It should have been nut the truth is that I never felt safe. But the crushing responsibility wasn't there yet. I read and I go back. I love nh kids and I'm proud of my achievements but I sometimes think about how many are counting on me and I feel so small. I think I'm over wishing for a partner. Husband. Helpmeet. Mate. There is something in my makeup that makes that impossible. Its not a matter of attractiveness. Even in my needy glasses and frumpy teacher clothes I look ok. Its something in my soul that pushes people away. Keeps people back. Magnitism in reverse. I'm ok with it though. People are stupid and dangerous. Best to limit exposure to risk. Never mind. The book always messes with my brain and I miss my mom. My heart ks broken over my brothers and I am feeling alone.