ARGH!

I think I'm better at being a friend than a girl friend. Or what ever. We've talked about living together, raising kids. Seems hella lot more serious than "girlfriend" implies, but at the same time, its the closest title that I think makes any sense.

As a friend, I can say to myself "So and so drove 10 hours the other day, had a very late night, and was right back at work as soon as he got in" and then decide that I don't need a text or to call and talk because I remember that when I drove home from Tennessee I put myself to bed and barely moved for three days. As a girl friend, I can give myself the same speech and delay calling until after noon, my time. And then spend my whole day near my phone. And email a couple of times. And this with me knowing the party involved has practically zero cell reception and is you know, working. And recovering from a busy trip.

Yeah, this is gonna be interesting. But good, I hope. I am incredibly good at distancing myself, emotionally, from things. Its very easy to say "oh well, if it works than it'll be great and if it doesn't, well, that's just another failed romance to add to the list"

But that's not actually true. The truth is that he's one of my very oldest friends. He has insights into me that practically no one else can even guess. I've claimed him as one of my people for over 20 years and it would completely devastate me if that ended.

So becoming paranoid, clingy and neurotic is completely the rational way to handle all this. NOT! Bad, Alley, Bad!

The other true is that despite my, valid, reservations about him, he's a better man than any I've dated. He wants to be a dad (I know, that's more than he realizes, but he still wants it) where the rest saw the kids as a detriment, the fact the existed meant I'd never be more than a causal girl. He has two weeks off, spent every single day working for others. Helped me set up the window unit that needed moved. And while he's aware that I am a complete slob, he's kinda okay with it. For now at least.

Makes me wonder which one of us is reaching. Makes me wonder a lot of things. And then my brain drags me into the future and I begin to worry about things that are so not even on the horizon yet.

Like work. Mine is here, he loves Colorado. Like his education. Like the fact that I kinda like living where I live and he's had a taste of high dollar living and wants to get back to it. Meanwhile, I think conspicuous consumption in all its forms is worthy of little more that being ridiculed. I tell my kids to give the finger to anyone they see in a Hummer. When their older I'll add other high end cars to the list (really, who need a $100K vehicle other than to show off? )

I don't like this shitty house because it has never been maintained and its falling apart, but if it was a version of this house, well cared for or my own to fix as I see fit, or a McMansion, I pick the 100 year old house. I make decent money, but it isn't ever going to afford me a high end lifestyle. The careers he's aiming for are about the same as mine. We'd be solidly middle class. I'm okay with that.

Is he? Really?

He doesn't want to permanently settle in Iola, which I can't blame him. Its small, its boring, its poor, its country, its low class. But its where I work and have accumulated some seniority, some friends, and am fighting to earn the respect of my colleagues, That's hard to contemplate walking away from. Very hard. And this is a good town for my kids. Would Lawrence or Overland Park be as good?

I doubt it. Firstly, all we could afford was an apartment or a condo. Decent houses rent for what I make a month and then some more. I'd probably not be teaching in the same district or at the same building as my son. They couldn't just hop on their bikes and ride to the park or home or to a friend's house. And going into a new school is always a crap shoot. Are they all getting along or is there a bunch of in-fighting. Did they hate the person you are replacing? Did they love the person and resent you? Is the administration insane? Are the parents up in arms over something you had nothing to do with?

I won't claim to be a fan of every single teacher I work with, but I know where I stand with most of them (the math department hates me, Science is a mixed bag, English is unpredictable, and if a certain history teacher ever speaks to my son the way he talks to our kids, I'll have his ass) I won't know that going into a new system. I teach in a smaller school, I know the faces, who should be there and who shouldn't. Its easy to walk up to someone who is not a student, staff or parent and ask "Can I help you?" which is a nice way of saying "who are you and why are you here watching all the young kids?"

But here's the thing, all that's important, but none of it matters now. What matters now is I really care about this man, have for a long time, and want to build something. No one knows what's happening tomorrow or next year. The way the state budget is, I might be laid off by the time all this comes up. Because he's perfectly okay with moving back here initially. He's basically said I get my way about where we live, at first. And I know that inertia being what it is, where things start tends to be where things end. So why twist myself up in knots?

Because I am a neurotic mess when I'm in a relationship! But, its late, the kids will be up at the ass-crack of dawn and I'm tired.

Also, I wish he was here.