conversations

So I called the clinic this morning, explained that I had a schedualing mix up and asked if I could be worked in for today. I was supposed to have a pelvice (yuck) and follow up on the meds and the constant pooing issues.

They got me in for the follow up stuff, but not the pelvic (can't say that dissappointed me). The doc thinks I need a colonoscopy and gave me two names to check out as far as docs who do that stuff. I have to decide if I want to go ahead and do that. (I don't want to, but if I can afford it at all I probably will because these symptoms are not going away).

Told doc about feeling like I've lost some brain cells. I didn't just forget or mix up that one appointmnet, its been lots of stuff. I think I've figured out what the deal is. I've been actually sleeping at night. Usualy I go to bed and spend anywehre from two to six hours just resting but not being able to sleep. My mind would race and I would slow it down by focusing on all the things I need to do. I would usually be able to plan out the following day or days. What needed done soonest. What could wait. What I'd wear, what chores I needed to do. By the time I was able to fall asleep, it would all be worked out.

Now I sleep at night. I actually fall asleep when I hit the pillow. Its amazing because I have energy when I wake up. I have something in my batteries when I get home and can play with the kids and do some chores. But I don't have that time to set up my day before I fall asleep. I need to start using a planner, instead of just carrying it around.

Dad thinks I had something called hypomania going on, its symptoms include not sleeping, making lots of plans that are hard to accomplish, racing thoughts and irritibility. Unfortunatley that sounds a lot like me. I looked it up. It isn't a symptom of premenstral dysphoric disorder, or even a symptom of vanella depression. Its a symptom of bipolar disorder.

My mother was crazy with a capitol C. She abused pain, anxiety and any other medication she could get her hands on. She could be wise and supportive a terrifying and abusive, sometimes all in the same breath. My dad was a chronic drug and alcohol abuser for over two decades before he finally cleaned up his act. I certainly have the genetic potential to have serious mental illnesses.

I am not a perfect person, if I have ever claimed to be I was probably being sarcastic. I've made mistakes that have caused my life and my kids lives to be harder than they needed to be. But one of the earliest goals I made for myself, and one of the few goals that hasn't been cast away due to time or situation, was that my children would not grow up with a crazy person for a mother. And now I think I may be a crazy. Or at least a potential crazy.

Or I am making mountains out of molehills. self diagnosis is probably not something I should be doing anyway.