Uninspired

It is sad, but true. I have had less and less desire to write lately. I don't know if its a sign of anything other than another era of my life, but it is undeniable that a few years ago I was writing lots, and daily and now I write very little. And not just blogging. I used to write short stories. They were terrible and often stopped abruptly.

I look back at that time of my life and the thing that sticks out is how lonely and unfulfilled I was. I was working as a para, a job a monkey could do really, with no sense of importance or mission. It was just a job to me. I lived in low income housing, I hated it. I was surrounded by idiots, drug users and child abusers. One time I saw a girl slam her baby into a seat and called and reported it. I can't prove it, but I think she or her friends vandelized my apartment after that. Someone sure broke in and took groceries and made an even bigger mess of the place. I had no car and had to walk or get rides to work, the store and appointments. I used to use Isaiah's red wagon to go to the grocery store. I once had social service show up when I chastized a "friend" who backed out of giving me a ride to the next town to shop at a grocery store. I told her I was basically out of food because I'd been planning on the ride. Her response was to send the social workers.

I could go on, but my point is that I had no real friends, no power and no sense of control over my life and environment. I wrote as a way of engaging my mental capacities and ranting and wailing at the world. I think it worked. I didn't take up drinking or drugs, I didn't seek unsuitable crowds in an attempt to solve my lonliness. I used my writing to explore possibilities and work out what to do with my life.

I say it worked because I am no longer stuck in low income housing. I am a teacher, and loving it, instead of a disillusioned and under paid para. I have local and internet friends. I have a driver's liscence and car and drive A LOT. Some days I just drive to be driving. But so much as I used to. I have a life partner that I may or may not actually marry. In other words, life is good.

Another difference between my "now" and my "then" is my level of busy-ness. During the school year I am on the go from about 7am to 7 pm, just with work and kid hauling. After that, there is cooking, cleaning, homework for kids, activities. We recently moved to a rural property several miles out in the country. I LOVE IT OUT HERE! But with that comes more yard work, gardening, home improvement, and animal care. (I have a flock of chickens and Chris has a couple of horses)

I'm not saying life is all daisy chains. I am still frustrated with my co-teaching situation. I've applied and applied for more traditional teaching positions, but it isn't happening for some reason. I have theories ranging from my being overly educated and too expensive to hire to one of my references being rotten. Until my "Dream" position shows up, I plan to be fully dedicated to the position I am in.

Chris and I have been living together for a year. Its hard in a way I couldn't quite imagine when I was single, or even when I was dating but not living with. I love him and he loves me and we are both committed to maintaining a  life long relationship.

I don't think this is the end of my blogging. I tend to run to my blog when ever I am upset, I'm sure a review would reveal a lot of melodrama and very little else. But I think its safe to say that regular posts are a thing of the past.