Aha

So, I guess it turns out that the reason I blog is because I don't feel like I have anyone else to talk to. And I was neglecting the blog because while I was "in a relationship" I didn't feel so isolated.

Seems so logical now . . .

Still, not at all interested in "getting him back" he was not the one for me, and while being single, bored, frustrated, and broke sucks, being the woman who has to be in a relationship to feel okay with herself would suck even more. Been wavering a little, been tempted to visit the dating sites and look around. Thus far I have stopped myself. This is about changing patterns of behavior, but patterns take time to establish and are inherently uncomfortable to break down. So, bring on the discomfort I guess.

My new happy thought is the idea that the best possible thing that could happen in a given situation is what will happen in the given situation. That's not thinking away hardship or discomfort, but rather understanding that everything I experience is an opportunity to learn and to grow and to positively affect those I care about. I think I stole it from buddism.

Both my siblings have been on my phone trying to get me to give them money. They look at me and know I make a good salary and think I should be able and willing to help them out. The facts of the matter are more nuanced.

For starters, I think not helping them out, is more helpful to them in the long run. In the past week Mike has 1) called me while I was on vacation and insisted I wire him money, when I refused he called my phone repeatedly. 2) Gotten fired from his job for being late and asking for special treatment 3) asked me to come get him and take him to "school and help him get signed up".

Tom says he's stuck out at the lake (where he camps ten days, leaves for one and then goes back - he's basically living at the camp ground), he needs gas money to go anywhere. He'll spray my house for bugs, but I have to go get him, pay him for chemical, and give him gas money. I called the landlord about the bugs.

As an aside, apparently when its very hot and very dry, the bugs think your air conditioned house is a nice place to live.

The other issue is that, paradoxically, I have a tighter budget now than I did when I wasn't making much. When I worked at the Catholic school, my take home was $1600 a month. Not much, but the state gave me $550 in food stamps, $900 in daycare benefits, and my rent was subsidiced. So take the $1600, add $550 and $300 (the real cost of daycare to me now) and another $500 for rent and thats more like $3000 a month.

Now I bring home between $2500 and $2200 a month. Minus $500 for rent, $250 for utilities, $350 for car, and that's not taking into account phone cards and incidentals that aren't food. I honestly cannot afford to give away money and resources to my brothers. At least not this month. And as stressful as feeling broke is, its still nice to know I am paying for these things myself, not the government.

Also, some things that are a Godsend to my family in the middle of this awful heat: Make the kids go outside and play early in the day before its super hot. 2) Freeze sugar free cool aid into ice cubes and you have a cheap popcicle alternative that the kids think are wonderful treats 3) X-box kinect is a way to allow creative, active play indoors.

Once again, I've meandered around and find myself without any tidy way to wrap this up other than to note: Shorts I wore last summer that were on the too tight to be comfortable side are now loose and trying to slide off. Its nice to be healthy.