Thoughts

I should have gotten a high end laptop instead of a mid end desk top last year.

I like kindle fire, but its not much use for anything that requires typing. The desktop seems to be so far away from the comfort of my room or the living room, that I don't spend any time on it.

I am typing this on an ancient laptop. I took this thing to an inservice a few months ago and it was embarassing. That's right, I was embarassed of my computer.

Not sure what else to type.

Work is still frustrating, but the administrators are not on my back anymore. They say my job is more than safe, that everyone enjoys working with me and my performance is great. But I still want another job.

Its the co-teaching. I love working with the kids, presenting information and assessing how well they've learned. Right now I don't get to do that really at all. I spend my time sitting in the back of the room watching the other teacher present the information and take the questions. When the lesson is presented, I get to mosey over to the kids I work with and watch them do the assigned work.

There are days I really don't have anything to do. I cover some classes multiple times. So If I was in Biology on a blue day, I know everything that's coming on the Gold day. I can't even occupy myself with taking notes. Some days the the teacher takes questions and answers them inaccurately because it isn't his area. He doesn't hardly let me speak in his room, and I'm not going to contradict him in front of his class, so I get to sit and listen to this information being presented poorly, inaccurately, and confusingly.

Other days I am in a physical science classroom trying to help students solve speed and vector problems and 90% of the students in the room refuse to accept my assistance, even though I know this shit.

I think it might be partially an ego thing. And I think I am going to be okay with knowing it was an ego thing. But you know what, it was ego that drove me to decide that I was going to continue to finish my education instead of dropping out and working at a fast food joint, or walmart, or factory.

I could have done that and between my pay and state benefits we probably would have been okay. I would have worked too hard, been tired and miserable, but it was the easier option.

Applying to new jobs will suck. I will have to tell Amanda, my good friend here in town, that I am looking to move on. But I think if I stay here, I will become more and more unhappy and miserable.

Life at home is pretty good. Chris and I go around every now and then. I am not going to claim that life is smooth sailing at all times. I am a bit of an easy-going type who likes to let chores wait until the weekend, clean it all up in a day, and then ignore it again for a week. Chris is one who can't seem to settle in and relax with the family if anything is out of place. There are evenings when I am tired and out of gas and I just want to relax with the kids, but Chris wants to spic and span the kitchen and the bathroom and is so busy going through things and organizing that the only time we are both sitting at the same time is the 15 minutes we spent eating dinner.

There are times I feel like he would rather spend time running around making things look perfect than spend his time with the family. Sometimes I can shrug and do my own thing and wait it out, but there are other nights that it really hurts my feelings that he wont share the work and then call it done and he isn't willing to not do it until it isn't kids and family time. There are times he gets frustrated with me because messes don't bug me unless they are smelly or super annoying.