I should be glad, but . . .

Isaiah has developed an disconcerting habit of staying up late and playing on the computer and then sleeping all day. I swear its a male thing. I could name several guys who seem to gravitate into this pattern. Only one actually works nights, and he could sleep at work, but still ends up napping during the day and staying up all night. My step brother, The Vampire, has it down to an art form, and since my dad and his wife allow him to live with them, rent free and with no expectations that he will even get a job, move out, be productive, he has it down to an art form. Aggressive computer game play and snacks all night, sleep like the dead all day. I don't know what he's going to do when his parents retire or go into old age. I am certainly not going to support his ass, and if my dad gets to the place that he needs care or gets assistance, I am going to make damn sure that leech comes no where near him.

Anyway, now Isaiah has the same obsessions. On the one hand, I could write it off. Its mostly weekends he does this (although if I don't shut down the modem and server when I go to bed, there's a 50% chance he will be up all night), and he tends to be quiet and make minimal messes. The only reason I knew he'd done it this morning is that I found evidence that he fried some tortillas into chips.

Anyway, it bugs me. Chris is less than supportive about it. He's a night owl himself, but he tends to want to treat Isaiah more like an 18 or 20 year old who lives at home than like the 14 year old boy who doesn't have the sense to get to bed in time to be rested for school, and who happens to be failing English. I'm not sure if Chris's attitude is that way because he grew up in such a permissive environment or if he just doesn't have enough parenting experience to see it as a problem. Probably both.

I know we both grew up in warped household situations. But I feel like sometimes Chris can't look at how messed up things were and make the choice not to repeat it. Knowing how permissive, dismissive his mom was when we were little, and looking now at how strict she wants to be with my boys when she is in gramma mode, I don't get it. As children Chris and I were allowed to play alone for hours, wandered from one end of  Parsons to another, climbed on the roof of his house and explored gnarly timber areas and abandoned homes. We broke into him mom's car one time because there was nothing for him to eat in the house and we thought there was some cash in there. When he went to his father's, things were just as weird, but in a different way. By the time we were preteens, Chris was smoking, selling pot and running with a group so into anything scary and shocking and I basically ended our friendship. I felt like I could see where things were going and they weren't pretty.

And they weren't pretty. He spent time homeless. He made a short career of things I consider beyond menial, stocking groceries and cleaning houses. He's totaled multiple cars. Then he was drawn into being a caregiver to his wealthy gramma ( who I think is the driving force behind all the pathology in that family, they worship money, guns and drugs) and spent a lot of what should have been his most productive years doing that. And now she's passed, which if you have ever seen anyone with dementia, you know that's a blessing for everyone, but the issue of her estate wont rest. I don't know what the issue is, but it seems like every time there is a delay or something, it opens up the grief again.

I don't know how it is that I grew up just as messed up. Mom who could be loving and taught me so much, but could also snap and toss us down a flight of steps, destroy a newly remodeled porch, scream at our friends' parents in the street for no reason, sleep for days in the depth of depression, take all kinds of pills to block out her feelings, knock you down and kick you in the ribs, and then be sweet as pie a half hour later. Why am I not a completely non-functional mess? I have that same temper, and it gets me sometimes, but I've never hurt my kids. (broke a window . . . )

The only think I can think is that I was the oldest sibling. I HAD to keep the others quiet so we wouldn't get it. I HAD to make sure I was up in time to get us all out the door to school. To me school was a relief and a safe haven from the insanity. I don't think Chris was ever in the position of protecting his siblings because in Parsons, he was the only child, and when his dad did remarry, the siblings were teens. The neglect was more in the form of too much permissiveness than in the form of perceived danger towards himself if he drew attention. When he wanted to make extra money, he did in ways that make me so sad. But he thinks it was just a fun time in his life. When he wanted to drop out of school, he bullied his mother into permitting it. She changed her mind and got social services to make him take college classes, but he didn't pass many because he didn't want to be there. Eventually he moved West and I lost track of him for years.

And now we have this relationship that I want so badly to work, but I wonder . . . . I know I've never been "normal" but I've always wanted safety and stability in my life. Adventures need to be planned. I think he's still a thrill seeker who jokes about driving cars off mountains while drunk likes its no big deal, just this funny thing that inconvenienced him for a few months.

I dunno, maybe I need to not worry so much. But I wish I felt more like he had the same goals as me. When we talk about it, sometimes he does, home, land, gardening to grow produce, establishing solar and wind . . . , then other times, he's like "I want to live in a gated community". This money worship  I don't like it. It corrupts and contaminates.

Should probably delete all of this. He reads the blog. And I still don't know what to do with Isaiah. Playing computer games isn't a bad thing. Becoming obsessive about them is. Cooking one's own snack is great, bt frying in the middle of the night with no adult up isn't safe.