Better

Isn't is amazing how things can go from awful to great in just a few days? I almost wonder if some of either feeling aren't all in my mind. I think I am overly sensitive to any issue related to either possibile dishonestly, possible using of me, and possible ass-hatery. I suspect this is because I have so many lying, using, and ass -hate acting men in my past.

I could recount it all. Contrast those situations in which my mom, my dad, and both my brothers lifted money off me and then claimed no one had. Or how The Ass Hat would twist things around. How the Other One clearly used me for a warm bed, groceries, and a ride.

But I don't need to. I know Chris isn't like any of them. Not really. Yes, he has used substances in his past and recently had an adverse drug interaction happen that could have been much scarier. Yes, he makes less than I do at the moment. BUT, he doesn't hide clear liquor in soda cans and drink all day like my dad used to. He doesn't pitch an absolute fit when I can't accommodate his wants within my resources.

I also seem to have trouble with remembering that when it is "that" time of the month, everything seems awful to me. I try to be aware of that in the moment, but when I am caught up in it, it all feels so absolute.

Tonight he had an evening class and when he came home, Gideon ran up to him, gave him a big, dangling hug, and said, "I love you, daddy". It was spontaneous on his part and almost low key in the way he did it. But I know it was a big deal to both of them. Gideon has always ached for a father. And I think Chris was a little hurt when he moved in and couldn't immediately fill that role in their minds.

Things were rough. I won't lie. You can't combine households like that without some wrinkles. And I feel that things may get rough again. I sometimes question my own sanity and motivations. I think that comes from having grown up with a crazy person and an addict as my parents. When normal doesn't live here in your childhood, its hard to recreate it as an adult.