Expectations

I feel more and more lately that my voice is being discounted. Like I don't really count all that much. If I don't agree with something, I'm just being obstinate and wrong. Like if I don't just follow along with whatever it is, I am going to be left behind. I am a place holder. None of the unique attributes that make me an individual matter. I could be any generic female.

Example: We are looking at houses. He wants to move back to PK to be near his mom. She is so important in his life that he will drop work, blow me off and ignore anything I want in a home to be near to or to please her.

I do not want to go clean my mother in law's house. She is not crippled and her husband gets around even better than she does. He could vacuum and dust if it makes her lungs act up. I went to PK to attend a cousin's baby shower. He said he would clean his mom's house while I was doing that. But when we got back to her house, he hadn't even started. Then he expected me to help him.

Is that normal? I don't think so.

They were talking about what houses we were interested in. She keeps saying we need five bedrooms so she can come stay over. We are moving into the same town she lives in, why should we make sure we have room for her to stay? Shouldn't we be looking for a quality house for the money we have? Shouldn't the house's major attributes, like heating, air, structure, electric, roof and plumbing be ranked above "has room for guests?"

But when I say, "hey, lets talk about these guests", I'm the bad guy. And I didn't say no guests ever, I said I don't want it to be constant and I don't want to be on the hook for feeding and housing a bunch of people I don't know while I am also trying to raise my kids and handle work. I don't think that's unreasonable to want to be sure these people know they need to go home.

He wants to move "to a ski resort" when his mom dies. She has COPD, it will eventually kill her. But we don't know when. In the mean time, the kids are in school, I have a career I'd like not to sabotage, and he can't even finish one semester of nursing prerequisit classes.

And then she's grilling him about classes and she asks, with me sitting right there, if he needs to move in with her (meaning out of here, breaking up this little family we've tried to create) so that he doesn't have to worry about work or bills and he can just focus on class.

Uhm, hello? Is that not just about the rudest thing ever?

Here's a thought, if he did live in PK, he'd spend every night out drinking with people he looks down on ( admits he doesn't want to live like they live and doesn't want their activities at his home), he'd sleep in every day with a hang over, and he'd still not be finishing any classes.

But I'm the super bitch with I want to bring up that we kind of had a deal. He'd make progress on his classes, get into nursing school, get some better potential for jobs and income, and I'd work on the baby making issues.

He gets so irate with me, and drops all these thinly veiled threats that if I don't get pregnant in a year, on my own dime, that he's going to leave me. But I can't point out that he's still indulging in self destructive behaviors like blowing off his classes or going out partying with a bunch of trashy pot heads and being too hung over to focus on the classes he is supposedly there to deal with.

But I'm the one with problems. I'm the one in the wrong because my idea of an evening out is more that standing around in some garage full of stupid stoners. And I'm the one in the wrong when some fucking idiot gets offended at nothing and starts picking a fight.

Please.

If you are so obcessed with having more money, lets start with not hanging around with trash. I don't care if we knew them ten years ago. If whats her face can't meet up somewhere not full of trash people, maybe she isn't that great a friend. Not until she wants you to buy her a new phone. Oh, what? The government would pay for her to get a low income cell phone? But we are paying for it anyway? Why? Oh, right, so you get to feel important.

And all this shit I have to eat because I have no vote and no voice, not really. Clean clean clean. Chores chores chores. that's really all I hear anymore.

What ever, I mean, nothing is perfect. But shit. I make good money. What ever we end up doing, I'm the one who will be paying for it all. I can't afford to commute and pay a house payment. And I can't trust him to stop throwing away opportunities to go party.

And I am so tired of feeling like I am at the bottom of his list. Mom has a doctor's appointment, he's prepared to miss three days of work. I have a family thing, he can't go because of a cold]. Whatsherface lets her asshole ex-boyfriend back in the house and he breaks her phone, he's on it to try to recover her pictures. I pay almost $100 for materials to fix my laptop, it sits there for months until I dig out a video on youtube to try to repair it. His mom can't clean her house, no problem, he'll do it. My house is never clean enough for him.

I really do feel like a place holder. Any woman would do. He doesn't want a partner in his life, he wants a dumb door mat who will pay the bills and agree with him all the time.

But I'm the superbitch.