Last hurra

Okay folks. Taken down the computer as soon as I am done here. Moving help will be here at noon. see ya around.

Distracted

Well, had a crushing case of insomnia last night. Didn't even want to go to bed, even though it was mid night, which is up very late for me. Then I woke up at four in the mornign and was completely awake. I ended up getting up, answering some emails, reading some blogs and watching doctor who. (If none of you are familiar wih doctor who, I recommend it).

Then I went back to bed and Slept until nine. So here's the thing. I read a few blogs about people who are pregnant. I don't get the whole "natural birth no pain killers" thing. Does pain mak ea person bond better with the baby? Nope. Does being in pain make recovery much quicker? Nope, still emotionally and physically out of it for days after ward. Maybe I'm just a big wuss.

Crap. Gotta get to work. Wish me luck.

Guilt, aint it fun

So, went and got keys to the new place today. Took over a load of stuff that I had been tripping on here for a week and a half. It was the first time I had seen inside. I knew they had renovated them in 2002, but hadn't actually seen. Very nice.

Three bedrooms, about the size of the ones we have now. A full sized bath and then a half bath. Lots more storage then this place had. New appliances, including the washer and dryer. (I am selling the ones I have to mike, it will cost me more to store them for a year then they are worth). Nicer stuff, the carpet in the living room and bedrooms is closer to industrial carpet then plush, but it and the tiles in the rest of the house and still nicer then the tired old, cracked, irregular tiles here.

Cabenets are newer and the formica is nicer too. The funny thing is that the tiles and counters have earthy green accents, which perfectly match my dinnet set and place mats. (winks to deb, who gave me said place mats). So, its nice, I'm happy.

Then there is the guilt. Miss my kids so much that it hurts. I try to stay busy, but its still hard. So, I feel guilty about not having my kids. I know this is better then dragging them with me to all these errands, but its an instictive thing. The big guilt is from dad though.

He recently started an online bussiness school, the money he used to travel down here and get the kids was student loan money. He had bought a really cool laptop from walmart for school befor ehe left, because with the three computers in his house already, he still can't get online when he wants to. Well, he called me just now from walmart. They took the laptop back and were shopping for baby wash, kid clothes and food noah will actually eat (aperently he threw everything they offered him).

Now its like, great, he's spending his cool computer money on my kids. MY KIDS. GRRRR, I know it is his choice, but still. Bugs me.

I am considering a smart phone. Like a blackberry pearl or one of those with the keyboards that flip out. They come with a data package, right? So, I could use it as a phone and to read email and blog and stuff. Does anyone have any experience with this stuff?

WAAAAA!

The boys are gone. Went to dads. Isaiah was mopey all morning. Gideon hugged me and told me "see ya tonight". Yeah, like in four weeks. Cried all the way home. (WE were at pizza hut). Now, lonely, need to get to work. Miss my kiddos.

I've been mom on duty since I was 17. I'm not sure I can handle a month alone.

Added at 4:09
Molly just called. They are almost through arkansas. Dad and Isaiah went into a convenience store. The little guys are sitting in their car seats, crying. She put the phone to their ears and I tried to talk to them. It didn't help. Broke my heart a little to hear them both crying and unhappy and to not be able to hug them and rock them and sing their special songs to them and make it all better. I hope this gets easier.

Added at 10:00 pm

They've called a few times. Once a little while after the first call. Dad had decided to let them boys walk around a walmart and they had calmed down, picked out some cookies and where back on the road.

Then they called from a rest stop in Arkansas. The boys were playing in pine needles, something about trying to bury optimus prime. I'm not sure he diserved that, but yo never can tell these days.

Then they called just now. It was late, they were at Brinkly arkansas. Dad said he figured they would be settling down and sleeping now that it was dark and there wasn't much to look at. I talked to each one. Told them I loved them bunches and bunches. Gideon and Isaiah told me they loved me back. Noah gave me cute baby babble, that I assume was Ilove you mom, but I can't see you.

I still wish I could hug them.

Added at 11:00 am

They are there. They made it safely. Gideon seems to have potty trained himself on the trip. Stayed dry between all but one stop. Glad I sent a few pairs of training pants. Isaiah left his blanky (yes, he still has a blanky, its old and pathetic and he only uses it at night), he hasn't mentioned wanting it yet, so I think I am just going to put it in my hope chest and maybe he will finally outgrow needing it.

So glad they are all okay. So ready to move and get started in class so I am too busy to miss them.

Sniffle

So, I have bemoaned being stuck with the kids and not a break in sight many many many times. Now dad is on the way to get them, and all I can think is that it is going to be very lonely and sad without them. I know its a good thing. Visiting relatives is a good thing, and having kids out from under foot while I move is a good thing. I'm still sad.

And I thinkI coaught a cyber bug. Three bloggers I read have been complaining about being sick. I have been stuffed up to the point of not being able to breath without meds for three days. I think we have discovered a new form of contagon. I'll call it a cybervector.

God really is taking care of us

So, I was panicing about money a child care this summer. But then everything just fell into place. I was able to get enough student aid to cover tution, rent and plenty left to do what we need to do this summer.

I was worried about what I would do with the kids, then dad steps in with his idea to have the kids visit him this summer. He will be coming to get the kids and keep them until july, when I will go up there, visit a while, and they bring them all home. Molly will come with me and visit in kansas and help wrangle the kids for the remander of the summer.

It will be very hard to be away from the kids for so long. But I think this will give me a chance to get the new place set up. And to focus on my classes and succeed there.

I went and saw my brother today. He is trying to get his life together. But it isn't going well. He has a job, he has an apartment lined up. Bu the stillhas this legal stuff that he hasn't taken care of. Sherrie tells him that if he doesn't pay her what she wants, when she wants it, she will call the police and tell them where he is. I say it is extortion and illegal and she should be in jail.

Mike rolls over and takes it. He bitches and moans and gets upset with sherrie and yells at her in front of lexi. I try to tell him to calm down. I understand why he is upset, but he isn't helping himself.

The latest issue is babsitting. Sherrie was told to put Lexi in a registered daycare center montha ago. Sherri put lexi on one waiting list of the most popular daycare in town. She hasn't done any follow up with that. She has been having her (in mike's words) fuck of the week watch the little girl. Mike hates this. HE feels like men who are strangers to the child shouldn't be babysitters. Out shared personal history makes us both paranoid about her ending up molested. Sherrie just brushes it all off.

I wish so badly that I could just step in and make things all better for them. WE were there at One, lexi was still in her nightie and eating breakfast. She looked pale and tired and too thin, She had this look in her eyes, like she felt lost but was confused. Because her mom was right there. I don't know, maybe I am projecting. Maybe I'm not. I just wish I could fix it all. I wish I could take her home with me. And remind her what it was like to be loved, to be the most important thing, not just someone who her mom had to deal with. Makes me sad.

That was interesting

Went to the family to do. Of course, that majority of those who came intended to spend at least one night, while we drove down, spent the day, and then came back. WE left early saturday morning. The weather channel had bad storms west of us, travelign east, I figured it would be best to just get ahead of them then to try and drive throuhg them.

It worked too. I have a short video of a wall cloud that was following us for a while, I'll try and post it later. I found out from my truck driver uncle that I took a weird way there, ended up going out of my way a bit, so we took a shorter way back. Too bad that shorter way back took us through a set of strong storms. Isaiah says that is what I get for thinking I can outrun storms.

We had a pretty good time. The picnic was at a resort near grand lake. They had an in ground pool . Isaiah and my cousin anthony had a blast, had to threaten them with loose of limb to get them out of the water and to come eat. Even gideon ( the kid who screams bloody murder when its bath time) had fun in the pool. Once he realized that with a life jacket and an inner tube, he wasn't goign to sink. He would kinda paddle around the pool and climb out and jump back in over and over. Isaiah was jealous because gideon, with all his floaties, coudl go deeper then Isaiah.

We were down at the southern end of grand lake, so we were able to take a tour of the hydroelectric genorator. I guess there aren't a lot of places that will let you do that anymore, but this place did. It was pretty cool. The tour guide talked for ever, but I guess that is what tour guides do. I couldn't get Isaiah to get out of the pool to go, but I took the younger two. The only thing of substance they got out of it is that gideon must be claustraphobic. He completely freaked out in the elevator.

My brohters didn't come. My cousin nick, who likes to beat up my brother mike, didn't come. Two of my cousins came without their spouces, and my grampa, two aunts and assorted yougsters too young to stay home came. IT was nice.

We got home, late because of the distance and because I had to pull off the road when a storm got bad, went to bed and crashed. I was still tired and groggy feeling this morning, so we skipped church. I feel a little bad because this is the last weekend we will be here. Dad is picking up the boys tuesday and then I am moving next weekend. But still, I am so tired of running my life to please those people. They disapprove of the whole move in general so I'm sure that we wouldn't get much of a good bye.

Now I am sitting here, wasting time while the little guys nap, when I should be cleaning and or packing. Two taskes I am not great at.