Ours is not to Question why

A few weeks ago my cousin Nick was in a terrible one person accident. He was speeding, and managed to roll his car several times. In the process he was ejected from the vehicle, broke his neck, half scalped him self, shattered ribs, stopped breathing, and had to be life flighted to Joplin Mo, (yep that Joplin, to the hospital that didn't get blown away).

He spent two weeks sedated and on a ventilator. But once he started to improve, he did so rapidly. He was dismissed from Freeman and sent home with his mom on Christmas eve.

Great story about a Christmas miracle, isn't it?

Except here's the thing. Nick is a terrible human being. He was homeless and living out of that car at the time of the accident. He is a drug addict who was perpetrating break ins and armed robberies to support himself. The car he totaled wasn't even his. He had stolen it from his late father's estate.

Now, aside from the stiff neck brace he needs to wear for a few months until the neck fracture heals, he's better off than before. He's staying with his mother, who has a big screen TV, Cable, internet, food, comfy bed, and is carefully doling out the pain pills.

He has lost some hearing and will probably be able to live the rest of his life on social security. Just what this nation needs, another drug addict living on the government.

Here's what's bugging me.

On the 20 of December a guy I went to high school with was in a terrible car accident. He spent days on life support and in theraputic hypothermia in the ICU in a Kansas City hospital. Today instead of a miracle, his family is planning a funeral.

This man never harmed another person. He was a youth pastor and true man of God. Even in school he was nice and sweet.

Why is a human waste left on the planet to use, abuse and manipulate, and a kind person taken?

I don't understand, and as glad as I am that my family is not planning to bury Nick, or planning his long term care, it pisses me off.

In other great news from my crappy family, my brother Mike is in jail. He probably wont get out for a long time. And my other brother is talking about choosing to hitchhike off into the wild rather than take a job he feels is below him and staying put and paying his child support.

I want a familial redo.

I am

A ball of insecurities, feelings of abandonment, and irrationality.

And I totally blame my horrible, messed up family life!

My mom was a nightmare, if a normal mother is nurturing, she was immersed in a book. If a normal mom was tidy, she was a slob. She didn't cook to nourish us, she cooked as a hobby. She put her hobbies, desires, and interests ahead of anything we wanted or needed. She even pitted us kids against each other. (One time for school shopping she gave me $200 dollars, my brother Tom $100, and Mike $50 - and yes, it caused problems).

When her mental health declined and she had to be hospitalized, I was 11 and left to attempt to feed, clean up after, and supervise my brothers. She returned a drugged zombie with multiple serious health issues - diabetes, lung disease, heart problems, massive, sudden weight gain.

What little bit of a mom she had been was gone. I spent the rest of her life trying to stay out of her way, keep her happy, and dreading the day I would come home, or get up and find her dead. It eventually happened. She died not ten feet from my bedroom door, and there are still times I feel guilty for not being aware she was out there, dying while I slept.

Then there's my father. When we were very young, he and mom smoked an enormous amount of pot. He earned a nursing degree to support his family and discovered that he now had access to demorol, which he stole, used, sold.

Then he left, and was just gone, for years.

But that's ok, mom married an insane, drunken, violent, pedophile, that totally made up for not having my real dad around. The pedophile even came with two kids. I had a sister there for a few years. Her big brothers was a bit too much like his father for me to remember fondly.

Then they were all gone from my life. Lesson: People are temporary, and will hurt you, bad, before leaving.

So, dad eventually came back, plain ole alcoholic now. That was fun. Mom sick, dad drunk. Made for a nice home life.

So, where was my extended family while mom was being crazy and sick and dad was being drunk? They were doing their own thing, much like now.

So, here we are.

I do my best to raise these three boys. I have $93K in student loans, but I have a steady job and income based repayment plan.

My brothers are theives, con artists, users, and loosers.

And my extended family has made them a project over the past year. I don't hear from anyone unless they need my help, didn't get any christmas cards from anyone, and didn't get invited to Christmas events. My brother Mike, who recently finally wore out his welcome with our aunt, got $200 worth of gifts from her.

I realize its completely irrational to feel jealous of my drug addict, thief brothers. But I am.

I have managed to become so self-sufficient that I have almost no one in my life. And the ones I do have in my life, I am afraid to let know how I really feel about them.

So I wine and rant and hope someone will just make it all better. I know that wont work. The problem is me. The problem is that every formative experience in my life has taught me not to trust, not to reveal myself, and to never, ever, trust anyone.

So I hide. Even when I am surrounded by people, I am hidden. I show only what I want them to see. I don't give anyone anything that might be ammunition. And I always steel myself for the worst thing to happen.

The people I envy, the ones with family dinner once a week, loads of friends to get together with through out the week, and siblings they are close to. Those people had different formative life experiences. They had parents who protected them from the monsters of the world and made them feel important and loved. They know how to share of themselves without shattering them selves.

I don't know how to do that. And I don't know how to learn. I know how to offer help. I know how to relate the facts of a situation. I don't know how to do it in a give and take sort of way that results in building a life in which people actually care about me.

So, to finish the title

I am unloved.

He makes me feel like this.

I saw him Monday. Had a great time. Went out for Thai food, rented a couple of movies, danced to the Avett Brothers in his living room.

Wanted to stay longer, but thought the kids were being delivered to me Tuesday, so I rushed back to Iola. Got home, puttered around and then get a call, Ass Hat wants the kids until Wednesday night. I could have spent almost two more days with my lover.

The whole drive home, I was a mixture of happy for having seen him, enjoyed him, gotten to be with him. And sad for the fact that it will likely be several days before I see him again.

I want so badly to have him be a part of my life forever. But I also am afraid to admit it out loud for fear of him rejecting me. And I'm also afraid of getting into a more serious relationship.

I jumped into a relationship with Gideon's biological father, and ended up being used for housing and rides, when I got pregnant he turned into an asshole and left. I then jumped into a marriage with the Ass Hat. I was a single mother to two boys and felt like no man would want me, so I jumped at the first one who showed the slightest interest.

I ended up moving around the country five or six times in a year, being trapped with a volatile personality, and being a participant in criminal behavior. I left with two suitcases and yet another baby.

Now this man, who is as shy about revealing his feeling as I am. Who has floated in and out of my life for over a year and a half. Who has broken up with me and had be break up with him, with the both of us coming back to each other.

My best idea is to move back to pittsburg, so that instead of living an hour and half away from him, I live ten minutes. The idea being we can see more of each other more often.

But is that cowardly? Is that me uprooting my kids yet again?

Am I just an idiot? Am I being played?

I may be an idiot

At what point does one get tired of playing it cool? At what point in a relationship does having plans that seem to fall through at the last minute become less about people having busy lives and more about lack of basic respect?

And what to do about this? Drop the person like a stone? Let them know how it makes you feel?

Is the fact that I feel like I must keep the depth and intensity of my feelings about the whole situation and indication in and of itself that something is wrong with it? Part of it is me, I learned at a very young age to keep my true self well hidden from view. My thoughts on things were often twisted to make fun of me, or used for the amusement of others. (I was too smart and too serious as a child and the grownups found the combination of precocious intellect with naivete to be funny).

Later it was my ex-husband. When we fight still, he brings up things that I told him or he found out when we were together. I told him I was molested at a child, he promptly told as many people as he could the next time we fought. My mom was seriously mentally ill (major depression and borderline personality disorder) and he still waves that family history thing in my face if I'm not all smiles and cooperation.

So here I am at the age of thirty. I want a well rounded life, with work and relationships and hobbies. But the relationships I pursue aren't healthy. I hide behind a facade. The good girl, the feisty girl. If no one ever sees the real me, they can't hurt the real me and the person they reject isn't me so I don't have to take it personally.

Which is great, in the very short term. Small talk and charm and drinks of an evening, I'm great. But then I decide I want someone or something for longer. And all of a sudden the facade I put up initially crashes into who I am and what I truly value.

I am incredibly good at compartmentalization. I can and have met a guy I didn't much care for, but sleep with him anyway. Because that seems like the thing the person I am pretending to be at the moment would do. I'd like to be able to say its been a very long time since I did something like that, but it hasn't more like six months.

I am not blaming myself for the fact that the person I want to be with is acting in a way that feel like is rude. He is choosing to not return calls or text messages.

What I blame myself for is that 1) When I met him I conducted myself in such a way that communicated that I did not value myself. 2) I have allowed him to do this in the past (make plans that were vague and not follow through) and have not called him on it. 3) Being in many ways as naive now as I was as a child. I don't know if its some sort of social skill flaw or lack of character that prevents me from fully thinking and acting like an adult.


of course, the really funny part is that while I was on here composing this page full of self indulgent drival, he called.

He went to a party at his brother's house last night an got pretty drunk. He had family stuff this morning. Then he took a nap. He woke up, saw I had texted, then called me.

My problem number four, is that I tend to over think, take things too personally, and let my suppositions spin out of control.

We talked a bit about Christmas and our plans. He's got two separate events to go to this evening, but is less busy tomorrow. So I'll go up then.

And yes, there comes a point at which this isn't going to work for me anymore, and that point may be getting closer. He is as damaged as I am, it shows in the way he drinks, and he compartmentalizes his life as much as I do. I know this can't go on for ever.

But for now, it does.

Happy Holidays

Yada yadda, I love them and hate them.

Tis the season for over eating, over spending, over sleeping and under exercising. The kids are nuts and constantly bickering. Tonight an epic brawl erupted over bubble wrap, an illegally consumed glass of coolaid, and escalated to punches being exchanged between the four year old and the six year old.

The Gideon drank Noah's cool-aid, so Noah popped Gideon's bubble wrap, Gideon pouted, Noah slugged Gideon and ran, Gideon chased and punched him good in the throat. They both ended up crying like someone had pulled their fingernails out with dull pliers.

And they both got banished. I hate when they get like this. Gideon was grounded to his room for punching his brother, and Noah was grounded to the upstairs TV room for stirring up trouble.

And yes, Noah, the four year old with the huge blue eyes and blonde curls, stirs up more drama than the other two combined. He is smart, and he is relentless when he wants something. It makes for a maddening combination in a small child. He literally cannot be trusted to be alone in a room. Alone and noisy is troublesome, alone a quiet usually means a repair or replacement bill is in my future.

Anyway, work is crazy too. Kids have so much to get finished and most of them are acting like they don't care. I have a 11 grade student who constantly skips class, gets busted with tobacco, is openly sexual with as many boys as she can convince, and oh yeah, foster kid. Just got her third suspension of the semester, after getting booted from her science class for showing up with nothing. Literally, nothing. She doesn't care. She sees no value is the adult world of rules, work, order and logic, and she's pulling as many people down with her as she can.

I don't know weather to pray that we can reach her, or pray that her case workers move her and she's not our issue any more. She was damaged long before I met her. I try to see her future and can't find one. People who were like her when I was in school are all either dead or in prison now, 12 years out. I don't want that for her.

I have a 10th grade student pulling straight F's. Not boarder-line 58 or so, I'm talking 15%, 22%. He just will not work. He messes around, he wanders around. You see him and try to work with him and you just want to sit on him. (no, we do not sit on the students), he's supposed to come in to work with me after school, but I have to hunt him down. That takes 20 minutes or so, and he wont stay past four. So we have just enough time to open the books before he leaves.

Another thing about this time of year that I don't enjoy: Compulsory gifting. Work does an annual white elephant exchange for all teachers, staff, and support personelle. Last year I "forgot" to bring a gift, but I still didn't get out of it. Someone else had extra. I ended up with a tiny four cup coffee maker. And a case of guilt, my intention was not to take from someone else.

So this year I'm going passive agressive. I got a five dollar reusable travel cup, the kind that is styled to look like a carryout mug, but is made to be resued. And I wrapped it in a box, and then put that box in another box. There are a total of four boxed that the person will have to get through before they find the actual present.

Serves them right. I should be able to gracefully opt out if I want to. ITs not that I don't like Christmas, and Its not that I don't believe, I do like Christmas, and I do believe.

But gifting should be a personal, almost intimate act. Gifts are things given to the person to show them you care and to add love, beauty, fun, comfort, or humor to their life. A generic gift in a numbered box to be opened by a random player is not a gift. Its five dollars that I will never see again.

And I sound like scrooge. It must be bedtime. I'm not even going to spell check, because I have a feeling that I have no readers left.

Growl

My ex-husband's new girlfriend had a baby girl today. I can't articulate why that pisses me off. The fact that he made sure to be there in the hospital when she delivered but he couldn't even manage a kind word to me when I delivered. The fact that she already has three, including a daughter, and this is his fifth child, and a little girl.

I love my boys and I love being a mom. I love all the rowdy little boy things I get to do with them and the wonderful little boy imaginings and hugs and kisses I get to enjoy. But in my heart of hearts I have known for a long time that I wanted a girl. Every single pregnancy I wanted it to be a girl (and healthy blah blah blah). Don't get me wrong, I love my sons. But I also wanted a girl.

And he got one.

Of course, the flip side of that is that I am a responsible parent who raises the kids most of the time. He sees them over nights twice a month, it adds up to two nights and four days a month. Not exactly a lot of time. I understood soon after Noah was born that I can handle these three boys, but any more children would probably be too many and had a tubal procedure done.

My little family in as big as it needs to be.

That doesn't mean I don't sometimes pine for a little baby that is all soft and smelling like new life and innocence to hold and love. But I know that that craving doesn't have much to do with the reality of my life, which is stressed, busy, and full.

I am working so hard on being able to be okay. To be away from government assistance and out of debt. To be healthy, limber and fun. To have a work/life balance.

And part of that is trying to distance myself from the anger I still feel towards him. I understand that he is not a material help in their lies, he barely pays child support, he doesn't spend much time with them, and he is unwilling to take any burden from me if I am unable to parent due to illness, stress, or what ever.

But it really, really pisses me off that he seems to want to do that for another woman's children.

I need to let this go. I need to be alright with things. I cannot change his horrible behavior. I can only be glad that I am not longer caught up in his orbit.

I am an Idiot

Seriously, I suck, I suck suck suck suck. I am bad at life. I need to just work, hand my money and my lifestyle wishes over to someone else, and let them run things.

I ran my credit into the ground. It was so bad I couldn't get a checking account, credit card, and forget about a car or house. So I went off grid. No accounts. Cash only.

It sucked. Can't book a flight, can't stay in a hotel, buying things with cash draws the attention of the authorities and nefarious types. Cashing paychecks is a hassle, and some places insist on direct deposite so even employment becomes a problem.

So I stepped up to a prepaid Visa card, the kind you get at walmart. The one I used charged three dollars to load and a three dollar monthly fee. But its accepted at merchants of all sorts without a blink and accepts direct deposit.

But a small card run by a huge international bank has its own problems. Customer service is non-existant, getting refunds or disputing charges takes forever, the process truly seems designed to make people just give up.

And what with having been off the grid, making a decent income, my credit situation improve enough to get a car loan, savings account, and I followed it up with a checking account.

And damnit, I over drew it last month. From what I can see, I failed to write down three transactions totaling less than fifty dollars total. It looks like the damage to me will be 500 dollars. I'm going to try to sweetly talk that down tomorrow.

I am so mad at myself. I am an intelligent person. I have two master's degrees. I guide troubled and challenged children. I raise children. And I can't even keep from over shooting a budget.

Growl, just grr, just ugh, I can't even explain. Why am I so irresponsible? How am I so irresponsible?

A couple of weeks ago I ran some numbers and it seemed like I could remove 500 from my monthly budget, put it in savings, and not even miss it.

Well, now, ten days before freaking christmas, I guess I am going to find out.

So freaking mad.

Shame me, call me names, throw rotten fruit at me. Just do something to force me to stop being such a fuck up.