Well, That was Interesting

Sir textsalot is done for. Didn't even have to meet the man in person to figure out he has issues.

Shall we start with the constant texting that is inappropriate in the amount and timing but shallow in the content? Shall we move on to the fact that he wouldn't ever actually call me? The way he wouldn't let me take him out on a date and then (most recently) canceled a date he'd set with me by ignoring it and then claiming it wasn't actually a date?

I called him out on it. And then the insults start flying, along with multiple texts and facebook emails trying to engage me in a fight? Certainly not a rational conversation.

I may be weird. Certainly my personal history sets me apart from the vast majority of people. In comparison to me, they are either bland and untested. Like bread that is under cooked. Or they are ragged, low creatures, contaminated soil.

Very few meet my standard, which is admittedly stringent. And at the same time not at all.

Its simple, I've walked through fire and come out the other side changed. I've done this a few times. I am not damaged goods unable to handle the world, but typical will never live where I do. I want someone who, not necessarily has gone through similar, but who can understand why I am the way I am without being terrified or treating me like an alien.

He couldn't even handle my basic requirements. He will not be brave. He will not be honest. He will not be accountable. That's really all I need to know about him. When confronted he denied reality and then insulted me, and then extended an olive branch. This is a pattern I've noticed before.

Deny - what you observed and remember is not true, you must be crazy to accuse innocent me of this thing.

Insult - Your demands ( in this case honesty, communication, and courage) are unreasonable, therefore you are unreasonable and will be alone and unhappy all your life.

Olive branch - now that I have unbalanced your perception of reality and made you afraid that your own ethical system will make you alone, I am asking you to pretend my bad behavior did not happen.

I am not falling for it, nor am I replying to the emails and texts. I may be alone all my life. It is possible that my childhood and development did not prepare me a normal life.

But even if I cannot have the normal life I want. Husband, happiness, companionship, love. I will not be treated as less than deserving of respect.

Swagg

I have to just admit that I am a shameless materialist and leave it at that. Got the income tax money and have spent quite a bit of it.

Yes, I needed a new desktop computer. Yes, between attrition and weight loss I needed new clothes. I just really like shoes. Oh, and a new computer calls for new software. I've wanted that nice DSLR for years. Might as well get photoshop to go with it.

You see where this is going.

Thing is, its easy for me to justify because most of the time I don't spend at all. Even when I could or should, I don't. I don't save. I just don't end up spending, especially on things that are my "want" items.

I should probably work on that.

Life on paper should be pretty good. Good job, still working out with the work ladies three evenings a week. The lady who does the instruction used to be an aerobics trainer. One night we'll do steps, another it will be kickboxing and self defence. All set to techno music. I'm ready to puke before its over. And the ab work, my goodness I don't think I have nerve endings to some of the muscles she wants us to use.

Last week I ended up with a major cramp in my back, on the right, under the shoulder blade. Its still there, tingling a little.

Anyway, aside from the job, I have a comfortable income, not rich, but comfy, great kids, sweet mini van. Friends.

I should be happy.

Sometimes I'm not. Some days I super, I'm fine, every thing is great and nothing can bother me. Other days, I hate my life. I hate being chained to all this crap I own and am therefor responsible for maintaining. I hate having to go to be early so I can get up and go to work. I hate that I own more "work" clothing than "fun" clothing. The sounds of the kids eating or playing or their constant talking makes me want to cover my ears, close my eyes, and wait for them to stop.

And then I'm better again. Top of the world, loads of energy, motivation to clean house, redecorate and organize. But it doesn't last. Its there for a day or two, then its gone. I've tied it somewhat to my monthly cycle, I'm more likely to blow up or have an "I can't get out of bed and go to work and face other people" day in the second half of "my" month. I've also tied it to food. I have always struggled with weight, but in the last two years I've probably lost forty pounds. If I get super vigilent and hyper attentive, I lose better. But I also get hungry. Low blood sugar as evidenced by having more or less fasted tends to coincide with my bad days.

Its normal to be cranky when hungry. It isn't normal to be so blah that no food or drink is appealing enough to actually consume, then get so cranky that you explode in a manner disproportionate to the stimulus.

I've also blamed my moodiness on being single. But I really don't think that's the case. I think the thing that makes me moody also makes me single. Aside from the moods making me not want to be around people, it makes me weird, I'm not consistent. I certainly wouldn't date someone who isn't consistent, I bet I put out crazy vibes to those who look to avoid them. Also, I keep people at a distance.

No one who knows me has seen me broken and vulnerable and sad. But I spend time feeling broken and vulnerable and sad. I hide it. I eat in my room at lunch break. On my plan I sit with the lights off (I claim the bright lights give me migrains and the dark helps counteract the effect if anyone catches me).

I don't know what all this means. If it means anything. I know that most days, when I'm well fed and rational, I like my life. I love my kids. I enjoy my job and believe I do important work. I have interests and hobbies that I invest in and I enjoy making myself pretty because its fun to flirt a little.

I also know that when I am in a "death spiral" I hate everything. I hate every choice I've ever made and I strongly distrust the human race. I don't even like myself.

Its normal to be frustrated and lonely sometimes, but is it normal to be the way I am? Its normal to desire to have a partner in life (sexual and otherwise) but is it normal to pine for lost and gone lovers? I've had life experiences that set me apart from others and make me reasonably wary of people, but do I isolate too much?

I don't know how to change it. I don't know if therapy or drugs or what if anything is called for. I know I hold others to a very high standard, and myself as well. I wish there was a magic secret to making everything as good as it should be.

Correlation

I think it's partially blood sugar. If I get stressed and haven't eaten I'm more likely to fly off into a rage.

I did it again. I don't know if the why is all that important or not. Friday we celebrated Noah's birthday. I gave hi a movie, Cars2. Unfortunately my DVD player was broken and the one from upstairs needed different connectors to use with my TV.

Today I ran to Walmart to get some things including the connectors. But the movie is gone.

There was yelling. There was looking searching more yelling and taking apart furniture and more cleaning. Still no movie.

I have every right to be upset that the movie, a gift for my son, is gone. I do not have the right to say or yell the things I did.

In looking back at the day I noticed something. I was hungry. I tend not to eat regularly especially on weekends. Yesterday I finished painting and didn't eat much. This morning I was out of caffeine and went without anything.

I had intended to eat after Walmart instead the movie was missing and I got mad.

Bad Mommy

Yesterday was a great day. I made chicken nuggets and played with the kids. We watched TV had baths and bedtime. The kids played nice. Our dishwasher is broken so Isaiah and I did the dishes the old fashioned way. Together with hot water a d soap. It was nice.

Tonight was not a good night. I stayed at work until five. Some ladies have been doing aerobics and I decided to join. The session was interesting. I'm way flexible. I just have zero coordination. Also my abs suck.

Got home tired and a little zonked. Kids didn't want what I had planned on cooking. I let them have a fend for yourself night. They chose ramen. I had Isaiah fix it since the smell makes me want to puke. He fed Noah but Gideon said he didn't want to eat. I told him to eat something and Isaiah to fix it for him. Instead they just went upstairs to play video games.

Noah meanwhile was playing with me. Or trying to. He kept bring me crap. It was bugging me so I kept having Isaiah come take him upstairs.

I know he just wanted to spend time with me. He's smart and funny and beautiful and I'm so lousy with him. I hate myself for how bad a mom I am.

Then it was basically bedtime and I decided to feed myself. And gideon announced he wanted MY dinner. And the real facts came out. He hadn't eaten. His noodles were still in the pan. I came unglued.

I yelled at him and Isaiah. I threatened to hit them both. I used language I hated the sound of. I know I scared them. Gideon ate his noodles. Isaiah did a minor chore and took a shower and then watched some TV and wet to bed.

I hate myself. I hate how enraged I get. I hate how little it takes for me to explode. I hate what I know I'm doing to my children. I hate the way I feel serene a d normal after the storm. I hate how u feel like in standing outside myself watching me be a bad mom and really a horrible human being.

I hate that I want help but don't know how to ask for it. I don't want to be taking pills I don't think they work. I don't trust mental health. I'm afraid if I tell someone how I am I will lose my kids.

I'm afraid if I don't change I will ruin my kids. I can't control this so I push strangers away so I don't risk them seeing how I am.

I feel it building. Like a breath I can't fully draw. Like a tension in my back. Ad then I'm yelling. Screaming. Threatening.

I hate this so much. I don't know how to stop it.

And here's the thing that's worst. It's random. It's not logical. It was stinking noodles. He ate. Noah just wanted to sit on my lap and play.

One day I might have played with Noah and growled a little. Yesterday. Today I exploded and didn't want to be touched.

I hate this. The guilt now. They're in bed. I want to go and beg them to forgive me. To forget it. To not be damaged. I don't think I can look the in the eye.

Help me. Someone tell me how to fix this.

I'm Divorced Now

Took me long enough, didn't it?

It was actually not as traumatic as I was afraid. Since I was the person who filed, I had to take the stand. Since we did it without lawyers, the judge questioned me. The questions were pretty general. Did I remember when we were married? Was I sure I wouldn't decide we could be compatible later? Joint Custody of the kids with primary residential custody with me.

I didn't bother to ask for more child support since he doesn't pay me what he owes me now. A parenting plan implies that he intends to follow it, but he doesn't. As things are now he barely sees them and tried to get out of seeing them.

One more signiture and we are done. Yay!

I'm a single woman.

And I think I'm going to be that way for a very very very long time.

The guy I've been talking to is turning out to be a dud.

I'm not sure how much I put on here about him. But the gist is that Amanda introduced us through facebook. I've text messaged and facebook messaged the guy a lot. He's always found a reason not to TALK on the phone. He says things (via text) like he misses me, I'm beautiful, he can't wait to meet me.

I offered to come see him this weekend. I have been craving sushi and its always nice to eat with someone else, and if he was a dud at least the sushi would be worth the drive. He declined.

Says he wants to pay for our first date. On the one hand its really sweet, on the other, how sexist can you be? If I'm worth meeting, why put me off for another three weeks until he gets a paycheck?

And then the final (as far as I am concerned blow) his phone is shut off for nonpayment.

He just moved to the area in October. He hasn't been regularly visiting his child (letting the courts work out the details), which probably means he hasn't been sending support either.

I just got out of a relationship with a poor guy. that guy would let me pay. But it still sucked.

Is it shallow that I don't want another relationship with a poor man? I have enough money that I don't need to be treated all the time. But it seems like this dude just doesn't have much going for him. He needs to get his financial house in order.

And its weird that he says things like me misses me when we've never met or spoken. I am beginning to thing that there really are no good ones left. That only loosers will turn my way. I don't want a looser. I'd rather be single.

I don't want to be one of those bitter, man hating women. But then I look around and I wonder, what the hell happened? Half the species is just crap?

They have an app for that

A blogger app!

Anyway. Been a busy weekend. Kids went to asshat's. Up until Friday night I had planned to go to Kansas city. I was going to go to the Apple Store and play around with the computers. Then maybe treat myself to Sushi. But for some reason the idea of the road trip, which I had been looking forward to all week, suddenly seemed like a very bad idea. I decided to stay home instead.

I ended up pulling up the nasty, impossible to clean, permanently damp carpet in the bathroom. I let the floor boards finally dry and then applied a layer of mold killing primer. Then some inexpensive peel and stick tiles.

It looks better. I can shower without have to step on that nastiness. The job was so easy I may also covertly redo the laundry room and kitchen floors.

Probably shouldn't but I've decided that we are going to be here a good while. I might as well make the space mine instead of just existing in it.

Boys came home this afternoon. I love having them home. I also like getting a break. But after an hour they had dumped some seed starts I set up this weekend. The tray had 7 things planted. Salad greens, and kitchen herbs, now they are all mixed up because the peat pods all fell out of the tray.

I hope they still grow. I was looking forward to fresh chive and coriander, rosemary, dill, oragano and the lettuce mix. now it's gonna be mystery plants.

Pendulums

They swing one way, and then they swing another. Back. Forth. Back. Forth.

Its a lot of moving, and never getting anywhere.

Why is parenting like this? And why are parents, especially mothers, held to ever increasing and increasing and increasing levels of perfection?

Years ago, in my gramma's time, women had to be supportive of their husbands, keep a tidy home, and keep the kids in line.

In my mother's time they were expected to do all those things, plus work.

Now, we have to keep a tidy home, make organic meals from scratch, be sexy and supportive of our men, raise polite, smart, athleticly and academically gifted children, run those children to after school and weekend activities, volunteer at school, read to the kids, and work full time jobs.

Many of us are trying to do this without a partner.


As a society, we've been sold, and accepted, and unreal image of what "normal" is. It is not normal to run yourself ragged in service of children and spouse. In a family, the idea is to achieve happiness and health. Not perfection.

Now comes the new thing, "attachement parenting", which seems to involve letting the infant dictate the household.

Baby wants to play at three in the morning. Fine, turn the lights up and let the baby play. Baby wants tiny meals every half hour, fine, let him "nibble", letting him get a little hungry and then eat a full meal cruel.

Baby wont sleep at night? Fine, let him sleep with you. Sit up rocking him all night. Its better not to stress the baby at all. Because stress is bad. It damages brains. And parents exist to serve the infant. Not raise the infant to be a confident adult. Not provide for the infant. Serve the infant's every whim.

I'm sorry, this is bullshit.

Yes, there are developmental issues. A newborn will not sleep all night. A newborn will want to eat every two to tree hours.

But it is NOT developmentally appropriate to do things like, never ever put the baby down. Like, let older infants and toddlers determine their sleeping and feeding schedules. Like insulate children from all sources of stress or frustration.

Facing frustration is how immature infants and children learn. They learn that they can want something, not get it, and survive. They learn that they can try something, fail, and be ok. They learn that THEY are capable. They learn that THEY can survive and learn independently.

This nonsense about stress, is just that nonsense. The stress the original article was talking about had to do with constant physical abuse and neglect, not having enough food, being in an home where there was always yelling and screaming and drug use and abuse.

This is not the same as the stress experienced when a child has to sit in a crib while the parent gets a shower or a moment's rest or a change of clothes because the one's she has on have been puked on one too many times.

Parenting is hard. Why do we make it harder than it has to be?

This is a trend in parenting that is a continuation of what's been happening for decades. I'm not saying all the changes in child rearing are bad. But as a whole, we've gone from a society that viewed children and things that needed to be molded into miniature adults as soon as possible, with little nurturing and possible beatings along the way to insure it happened quickly, to a society that doesn't want babies to cry.

I am not going to make a lot of predictions of doom and gloom. I think kids are resilient and that they will find a way to be functional adults. I am not going to berate anyone either. I think that most of the people hopping on this issue have the best of intentions.

But I do dislike the tone of the conversation. People are mean. They use the guise of caring about kids to let loose on any convenient target.