It seems like our response to endings is to attempt to quantify what came before. Its as if by ranking and filing what happened and what we did, we can lay it all to rest and move forward. Is that true? I'm not sure. It makes for snazy news stories or Television specials.
This past year has been a nice one for me. For the most part. It seems that after years, maybe even a decade of strife, things have finally started to level off for me. Life isn't perfect. I still feel like I need to find a better paying job. The one I currently have leaves me dependent on food stamps and state daycare subsidies. I still live a life that is largely alone. I work, I go to class, I hustle my kids around, but I don't have any close adult friends. It pains me to admit that. I don't have a significant other, or even a candidate for a job. I guess holding out for someone with Simon Baker's looks and Bill Gates' money isn't proving to be an effective method.
I'm on antidepressants now. I don't like that I need them. I understand that between my parents I have a strong disposition towards mental illness. I understand that having a chemical imbalance in my brain is not a lack of character. The problem is that for years that imbalance made it possible for me to accomplish things that many people thought were not possible. I was a single parent who finished high school on time and with good grades while working. I was a college student with a kid, up to three part time jobs, a commute, and I finished on time with excellent grades. There are people who still don't think that is possible. But this thing in my brain allowed me to push through being tired or bored to focus on what I needed to focus on. It allowed me to ignore what was socially expected to focus on what I needed to do to get to where I wanted to get. I didn't accomplish what I set out to, but I am certainly better off than if I had dropped out of high school, gone to work in some factory, and spent my spare evenings at sweet willies flirting with the local yokels.
But now that same feature of my brain seems to have matured, or maybe other aspects of my personality have. I used to be very quiet, even when I was unhappy, now this tick in my brain will make me go from cool to white hot pissed in an instant. I find myself unable to let go of minor annoyances and end up feeling like my head is going to explode or like I am going to hurt someone. With the pills. I can be calm. I can be a mellow sweet mother to my kids and a patient teacher. Sometimes I wonder which is my real nature. The screaming banshee, or the mellow one. Is it me or the pills that is the wonderful mom?
So, that brings us to next year. As I type I'm watching a countdown with my kids. What goals do I want to set for next year? I don't know.
I know I need to loose weight.
I know I need to make more money and get out of student housing, but that's more like 18 months out, instead of an nice even 12.
I want to continue to be dedicated to my kids.
I want to continue to think about, but not dedicate myself to dating.
I want to focus less on what we have and more on what we can give and on volunteering, maybe with my oldest.
I wish everyone happiness and success in the coming year. I leave each of us to define both of those terms for ourselves.
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