Its been too long

I don't write for profit or for an adoring audience, but I still feel like I've been neglectful of this blog here recently.

When I started blogging I was in a place where I felt I had no privacy and no voice. I lived with Dad, sleeping on the couch in his living room with Isaiah on the floor and Gideon in a tiny play pen. Dad's wife was not happy with the situation and the emotional temperature of the place was sub-zero. I was miserable.

Things are better now, five years later. I went from homeless and living with Dad and feeling like I was going to die of hopelessness and loneliness to being where I am now. Home, job, car, three wonderful kids.

I still sometimes feel lonely. Like I am the only person who sees things the way I see or enjoys the things I enjoy. Like I am programmed wrong. Sometimes I compromise what I want in life to appease that lonely feeling.

The last guy I dated was definitely in that category. He isn't bad, he's just not for me. We broke up. It was probably my fault. I was the one who was irritated over something minor, I told him I needed a little space before I talked with him about it. He changed his faceboook status to "single" while he was begging me to forgive him.

I ended it. He unfriended me on facebook and I haven't heard from him since. So maybe he felt the incompatibility too. Maybe it was easier for him to be rude in a way he knew would bug me so I would get irritated and he could break it off. Maybe I am reading too much into him.

Anyway, single again. I know that issues from my past and my childhood have made me different from regular people. I know I tend to be colder and more closed off than most women. I also know that the toughness in me is what helped me survive what I've gone through. I can't just cast it aside and start caring about things that normal women care about and I think are stupid.

But if I want a healthy relationship someday, I have to do something. So I'm taking a break. No boys, no online dating sites, no chatting up people online I just met. No sex. (That's going to be hard, I like sex. A lot)

For at least six months I am going to focus on my own internal emotional health and on my job and on my kids and family. I don't expect to have a miraculous transformation or anything, mostly I think I've gotten too focused on hunting for a guy. That's not who I want to be.

So, bloggy universe. I am sorry for having neglected you. I have no excuses other than I've had my head up my ass.

As always I hope to do better.