Told him off, sort of

So the saga of Jason continues.

He's so predictable. If he's bored and feeling low or lonely, I hear from him. He gets a hold of me probably three times in a month. He wants to talk about how mean his last girlfriend was to his son or how much it sucks that he's being sued for selling unauthorized copies of software on ebay, or how tired he is from working full time and working for his landlord.

And he flirts and asks me to come spend the night or hints about coming to my house to spend the night. Or about going out for sushi sometime.

Sweet stuff.

Except he doesn't want me for a girlfriend and has made that clear. He likes me, but not enough. I'm fun, pretty, smart, and sexy - but something about me says not a girlfriend.

So today he is on facebook complaining. His car got broken into, some things were taken, and he doesn't have a girl (his words). Later he's instant messaging me. "hey sexy" bla blah blah.

And I asked him, If you don't like me, why do you keep contacting me like this? He says he does like me and why can't he talk to me without dating me.

Except, I want to be dating. And to be perfectly honest, I want to be dating him. But I am not going to make an even bigger fool of myself and let him keep wiggling into my thoughts.

I told him it makes me feel like crap that he does this. Like I'm good enough to sleep with, but not to include in a life or a future. The guy I broke up with a while back had the same problem, he only wanted to come spend time with me late at night.

I don't want to be some guy's booty call when they can't find anything else better to do. I know I'm not perfect. I'll never be thin or beautiful, I'll always be that woman who's too much a nerd, who had her kids too young and who tends to not use a brain to mouth filter.

But I'm not shit. I deserve to either be loved of left alone. Right now I would just as soon be left alone. I'm too twisted up inside about guys and relationships to have any business going there right now. Like a newly recovered alcoholic has no business in a bar.

The fact is, there's something wrong with me. I am probably not capable of being that perky, pretty, poised girlfriend that any man worth anything wants. And I am also not capable of saying, ok, the good ones don't want me, I'll settle for the second tier. I don't want a drug user, or alcohol abuser or chronically unemployed dufus with a criminal record. I realize these types are more in "my league" but I don't like my league. I want better.

I just don't think I'll ever get it.