Getting Better

Life keeps moving along, doesn't it? Got the daycare stuff taken care of. Got work taken care of. Still have a paper to bang out for this last class. It needs to be submitted via email, but I suspect that will soon be taken care of too.

On the one hand, things seem to be going swimingly. It's almost too easy. I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out. I know that's a terrible way to feel, but its the truth. I have never in life had it easy, so when things start looking easy, I get nervous. I come from the sort of people who are always struggling and scraping and scratching to get by. My salary for this job still puts us well below the federal poverty lines, but its more money then I have ever had access too. How sad is that? Will it change me and my values? WIll I all of a sudden just have to shop the high end brands? I dunno. I hope not. But it would be nice to be able to plan a big purchase or two. I need to keep track of my brain though. Got lessons to plan and a classroom to put together. I need to come up with lots of cheap and educational labs, because I know my budget will not be great and science is best learned hands on.

Paper work to complete. I need to be finger printed again. Such fin, such fun. And all these things have fees associated with them. I'm getting paniced again. Calm alley, calm.

I'll keep ya posted

nothing fits

Having a day. You know. Everything should be fine but inside you are on edge. Almost feels like I am pissed about something. But really have nothing to be that way about.

We got up. Went to church. The people there are great. Kind and welcoming. Isaiah mede a new very best friend (he tends to declare every kid he likes a best friend). Gideon and Noah were charmers.

I. Was in such a nasty snarly mood after lunch tha I put myself to bed. Couldn't sleep. Just to keep muself from snapping a kids jead off. I feel so mean.

Maybe its hormonal. Its my "time of the month" but I'm usually not this bad. Usually I just spend a week scarfing everybit of junkfood I can find.

cracking wise

Sometimes it works. Most of the time I would have been better off keeping my mouth shut. Its been a mouth shut sort of week.

Got into a huge fight with Tom. I was irritated with him over how he's been using our brother Mike and about the fact that he seems more interested in dating his ex then in seeing his son. It was ugly he slammed my cardoor so hard that he bent the hing so now the front passenger side has to be opened before the back passenger side will other wise in catches.

I realized later that I was projecting some of the rage I have from my ex onto my brother. Still he called me a cunt ( for the resord every female in the universe hates that word) and. Screwed up my car. So I haven't spoke to him since monday.

I also accidentally insulted a girl in class and let slip the whole teenmom thing in a room full of teachers. I don't think I'll ever fit in.

A few bright spots to report. Found competent daycare. Its a home setting not a center like I woull have preffered. But the lady has been doing this for years. So I know she isn't going to quit on me. And the kids both seem to really like her. Still worried about what to do with Isaiah in the mornings. I need to leave town way early for him to be at school. I don't think there is an early morning care available. Maybe if I set an alarm telling him when to leave for school? Dunno if he can handle that.

Lat bright spot this one is totally stupid. I managed to tell a science joke to someone who not only got it but laughed. This girl in class is a fellow biologu nerd. She asked me how she looked cause she was planning to go out tonight. I said she looked like an ape but no more then anyone else. Its stupid but humans are apes. She laughed and said something to the effect that it was nice to be around people who get it. So true.

I guess that's it. My stepsister has been here and will be flying home next week. The only wrinkle is that she doen't have identification and may not be able to board the plane. We are trying to get her a Kansas id but that so far has been difficult. Hopefully the materials will get here soon why they haven't done it yet I don't know.

It will be okay.

Just got out of the obligatory social worker meeting. I hate those, at least this case worker doesn't treat me like a moron. He's young though, give him a few years and he'll be as jaded and mean as the rest. I really wish I was wealthy enough to not have to deal with those people. Not happening anytime soon, methinks.

That said. Pogress is being made. And that is a thing I am proud of. I've been sitting in class all summer and a big thing with education people is at risk kids and identifying at risk kids so you can understand them. Now, as a person who has been poorer then dirt most of her life, and faleln into most of those little at risk pigeon holes at one time or another, I find this talk of relating to at risk youth to be suspect. At best most middle and upper class types (which sadly make up the vaste majority of teachers and social workers) can manage is a sad sort of sympathy that is abolutly unhelpful, usually you get disdain and the idea that being poor and what have you, makes you stupid.

The list is somethign like this
single parents
low income
low educational status of parents
drug use by parents
lots of moving
parents not home before or after school.
illness of a parent

When I was a kid, I fit into five of those. I was also in the "gifted program" so why does being at risk and low IQ seem to be the same to the supposed experts? I'm not going to claim that I was a brilliant example of success, but I refuse to let a bunch of scholars define my chances and abilities. TO define my sons' chances and abilities. I dunno, it just is weird to sit in a classroom with a bunch of peopls and be lectured about relating to at risk kids. Seems like I ought to be expemt from all that.

Teachers as a whole are a group I want to be part of, but part of me fears I will never REALLY fit in. I'll explain. We had an activity the other day. Design a tatto that represents you and explain it to the class. I designed a rubber ducky. I could have gone with a phoenix, but then I would have had to explain it and somethings I like to keep to myself. Anyway. As each person went around I noticed that the women in the room who already were teachers made a HUGE deal about how they would NEVER get a tatto. That tattos are for DIRTY LOW CLASS people. I'm thinking, great. I have two tattos already. And have a third in mind, money and time and getting with a decent artist having delayed the project.

Point is. I sometimes feel like it doesn't matter where I go or what I do. I will never fit in. NOt with my family or at church or proffesionally. I embody too many contradictions. I make people uncomfortable.


Added several hours later

I don't mention TV here very often. But Grace Darko is my hero. And she isn't even real.

neglectful blogger

That's me. Just haven't been posting as much. Busy I guess

Let's see. Yes Gideon uses a harness. It is a little backpack that looks like a puppy. The puppy happens to have a long "tail". It has a loop on the end. I slip the loop over my wrist and then ask Gideon to hold hands. Ot works fairly well. And its cute.

Isaiah is a bit more settled now that we have been home a few days. Its been hard to get him to get out and explore his new neihborhood. But I think a few days will make him more comfortable.

I am so happy to be fulltime mom again. I didn't miss peeing with an audeince though. Other then that. Its great.

I need some serious prayers for.
What else. Daycare. Seriously. I almost cannot believe how much has changed and continues to change in our lives. I only hope that somehow I can help others. The more "education". Classes I take the more I think I'd do well working with high risk troubled kids. Hey I used to be one. Sometimes think I still am one.

Take care all

Going Home

In the morning. Trying to get our stuff gathered up tonight. Not an easy task after a month or more of running wild. Went to see a cave this morning. Was cool. Isaiah wants come back and take a much longer, over-night tour. I think it sounds fun too. But they have to be booked by groups of twelve. So I don't think it will happen anytime soon. Gideon wore his puppy-leash the whole time. He walked the whole mile-plus length of the tour. And never whined or tried to run off. Noah stayed home with his aunt.

Then the kids went tubing with the neihbors while dad the babies and I stayed home. Isaiah has been argumentative and whiny for three days I am hopinf that he will normize when I get him home. I really really hope.

ROAD TRIP

Well made it to Tenessee. It was a twelve hour trip and I was exhausted when I got here. At three thirty local time. The GPS on my phone didn't work so I got lost which sucks when you are so tired you can't see straight and really really want to kiss your kiddos. I ended up getting lost within ten miles of Dad's house. After realizing I was lost I called dad and he talked me in. Isaiah was on an overnight and the little guys were asleep. I lay down in the bed in their room. And surprisingly found that I was so tired and dizzy that I couldn't sleep right away.

Eventually I did sleep. The little guys woke up at seven. And they acted like they didn't know who I was at first. They stared at me but wouldn't come to me. It kinda broke my heart. But they got over it. Must have been the way I showed up in the night and was just there when they woke up. Now they won't let me out of their sight.

Isaiah has been less then charming. He was happy to see me. Gave me a big hug and snuggles. But the July 4 stuff gets him worked up. He was up late the past several nights with these kids next door. Lack of sleep and an immenent end to his vacation had him being pretty pissy. I had a talk with him and dad did too and his attitude improved.

Its nice to visit. But expensive. And to tell the truth. I really want to gather up my kids and their stuff and go home.

Dad is nice. But they still have their own brand of crazy here. And to me it judt doen't taste right.