is it possible

To use the kindle as a tool. Id like to think so. I have a Fire that I love and am eyeing the HD that came out recently. Its no ipad but it is pretty close. Also thinking bout getting my little dudes low end tablets for Christmas. That way I'm not competing with them for mine. Any way. Its late. Think I will attempt that sleepy time thing again.

Life, as We Know It

I am a gypsie at heart. Too long in any one place makes me restless. Planning moves has never been my strong suit. but maybe it is time to go home. If there is any such thing for someone like me.

We shall see what the coming months bring. I know I am stronger than most give me credit for. But this is a whole other thing.

I miss my mom. I've spent so long as an orphan, I don't know if I can stop being one and go back to being part of a family. It isn't just claiming this or that person you know. Its also letting them in and making room in your life and your day for them.

I think we are going to move in the summer. Back to our home town. The place that saw all the akward years and bad hair cuts and poor choices. The place where they know me, my brothers, my parents, my grandparents.

I don't know if my return will be local girl does good and comes back, or if it will be more like the return of Ester. Will they be looking for the Scarlet letter?

My least Favorite Day of the Year

     At the end of the first and third quarter of the school year we have parent-teacher conferences. I love getting to talk to parents about their kids. About the hard work they put in and about the things they can do to improve. I try to keep it short and positive; as a parent, I know how over whelming it can be to have a lot of information thrown at you at once. 

If a student has specific assignments they can still do to make the grade better or specific materials that they need to bring in, I try to write it down for the parent. 

As a special education teacher, who doesn't teach an actual class, I don't have as big a group of parents to see as most teachers. And I seem to have a group of parents who aren't keen on coming. In the past i've sent reminder letters and even called to remind parents about conferences. It doesn't help. My first year at fall conferences, no parents came. Last year I had two parents show up. 

This year I tried something else, I promised the students and icecream party if they got their parents to come. I had six parents accounting for seven students show. That's still very few, I have a case load of 18. But it is significantly higher than in the past. 

I don't feel right about giving a full on party to the group when only seven came. So I think I'm going to give the ones who came gift certificates to the local icecream shop.

At home things are mostly good. Last night we had a blow up. the kids were beyond bitchy. Christopher blew up at the boys after asking them to cut it out. I didn't like how he went about it. I got onto him, and since I was pissed, I didn't convey my meaning well. After going round for an hour, we just hung out in separate rooms for a while. 

don't misunderstand, there wasn't a lot of yelling from the adults, just that circular conversation that happens when both parties feel like they are right and they can just talk the other into their point of view. This morning I had to get up and go in to work. The kids had no school, so they slept in. 

When I came home at noon for lunch, Christopher was still in bed. We texted with each other later today. He said he feels bad about what happened and that he might stay over night in Parsons, where his class is tonight. Since then he hasn't answered my texts. 

I never figured I was jealous. But it seems I am. The teacher of his class has hit on him earlier in the semester. He swears that he has no interest in her that way, he just thinks she's a nice girl. But I still worry. Before we were together he claimed he didn't believe in monogamy. And we fought the other night. 

I need to be more secure. But I also wish he'd just send a text when I send him one. When he has something on his mind, he sends multiple texts. Sigh. Its another case of if only everyone just did things my way. 

Isaiah is 14. He can get a learner's permit and will be in high school next year. I'm so not ready for that part of his childhood, and so sad that I didn't make the earlier parts of his childhood better. I feel like things are good and stable now and will only get better. It hurts to think that the oldest one missed out. 

Gideon is in second grade and has a .6 grade equivalent reading level. He is so wiggly and distracted at school that it is hard to get him to do much. Even when the teacher goes through a worksheet with the class, he looses track about halfway through it. They are having his teachers complete ADD screening surveys. We are having a team meeting in November. If the results come back like I think they will, I'm going to try to have him evaluated at children's mercy or PSU for confirmation and then seek medication. 

I know I had Isaiah stop after a few years. In his case he wasn't as severely impaired by his ADD and the meds had him looking emaciated. He could gain weight or sleep and his grades were not better. I talked to the COOP's nurse and she recommended just getting the short term pills and redosing him at mid-day. She said the weight gain issues were more problematic with the time release formulation and that for some kids the time release stuff doesn't even kick in until the school day is almost over. 

I wish I were a better mom and partner and teacher. i guess I will settle for blogging and wishing he'd just text me. I need to work on that. 

Bad Blogger, or moved on?

I'm sure you've noticed, dear readers, that I am not writing on here nearly as often as I used to. When I started blogging, it was out of a need for an emotional outlet. I look back at the person I was five and six years ago and at the person I am not.

Then I was lost and alone and terrified. I was scared that nothing would change and afraid of the wrong sort of change happening. I felt isolated and powerless to change my life for the better. I had a community around me that was actively working to sabotage me. I'm sure they didn't, and still don't, think of it that way. But when a man who calls himself "Preacher" beats a child's bottom so hard its black and blue over jumping on a couch, and then calls child protective services on that child's mother over a messy home, there really is no other word for it.

When a supposed friend backs out of promises to take a carless mother to a grocery store, and then calls cps when she is out of food, its sabotage. The wrong kind of milk, the wrong kind of discipline, the kids coats on but not zipped, the kids don't have enough clothing . . . . these were things these people reported me on. They reported me so much that the social worker assigned to me told me to sever ties and move away.

I found a way to do it.

I pursued higher degrees and better jobs. And now I am that scared woman, but I'm more. I'm a confident teacher. I have a boyfriend who is truly the sweetest person I know. I have bright, smart boys who are fun and funny.

My dad still lives too far away and seems to place everyone and everything above me. I don't know if he realizes how it looks when he takes all these trips but he can't take one to come see me. I can't spend more energy on that anymore. I love him and I choose to maintain the relationship for my kids. But I can't take it personally anymore. I've come to realize just how damaged he and his wife are.

I have friends here that care about me because they like and respect me. They build me up. They don't overwhelm me with advice and offers of help that come with string attached. I have a job that it hard every single day, but it is rewarding every single day.

If I don't blog as much anymore, it is because the internal noise has quieted down enough that I don't need to use blogger as a place holder for my thoughts and emotions.

I still have things that I need to deal with. I'm a slob, chris is a neat freak. We go around a bit over finding a happy medium. Chris wants to buy a house, I don't mind renting; if I own a place I want it to be nice and I want it to be close enough to my current job that the kids don't need to change schools.

My oldest son is turning 14 and I'm not sure I'm ready for him to be a teenager. I know kids his age who are parents. Who are experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I worry about the kids he is hanging out with and what he does for fun when he's away from my sight.

I want to trust him and be cool. I also want to know what he's doing and where he is and who he hangs out with and what their parents do for a living. I can't seem to manage both. I think my youngest may be academically gifted. He picks up spelling and reading so fast. I realized he might be truly gifted when I spelled out for his big brother "we may be going to the Z - O - O or to P-U-T P-U-T. And Noah says "We're going to the Zoo!".

And now he sees words and asks me what they mean. Words on TV, Brands and initials on products around the house, things on paper. He wants to know what it says.

Gideon is still a nut. He plays very intently with small objects, creating a world and a story line for them with lines and sound effects and little props. It can drive you nuts if he's doing it next to you. He is so intent on it that it takes some effort to break through it to get his attention. And then later he's impulsively bouncinf from sofa to floor and back, or sitting upside down on the chair. He is behind in school and on special education. I'm afraid they are going to want him medicated and I really don't want to do that.

The more I work with big kids, the more convinced I am that medicating a brain is no way to make it a normally developed brain.

It goes so fast

Himself has been here with us since mid-july. Its been a bumpy ride. Not bad, but certainly different. A learning experience for all.

There's the big huge stuff, like how to arrange life so there's room for two adults with thier own hangups and needs and values and ideas of what peace and quiet feels like, or a clean house looks like, or how to sleep in the same bed and have insomnia and not keep the other one up all night, or how to stand your ground and be like, no, I'm too tired to be up, I"m going to bed.

There's the even bigger things like how he deals with my kids and expecially Gideon who for the longest time he didn't want to believe had learning delays. Parent night at school and some educaiton he got for his new job with disabled adults seems to have convinced him that I really did know wha tI was talking about.

There's still a lot that we are going to have to keep working on. I'm a slob. He's too free with money. He values the appearance and trappings of wealthy too much. I knwo where it comes from, he has some relatives with huge net worth, but its not realistic for a 30 year old whos idea of steady employment is being offered seasonal positions two years in a row. He's done a lot of partying which scares me a little. I've been doing a whole lot of workig in the same years.

He thinks he's smarter than I am, but he forgets times and dates that I know he's told me about, ends up in trouble over it later. HE's already dropped a college class. I know why, the teacher was a dick, but its still his ffault. Classes had opened Monday, he didn't check that online class until the following Sunday.

Under all the negotiation and the back and fortha nd butterflies is something way cool though. Love. A completeness of heart and home. A feeling of finally not being in this all alone anymore. I never had that so I never missed it, but now that its here, I'm so glad.

trying

I swear I am. I just wish I could feel like I can relax. I wish I could just make everyone and everything do what needs to be done, but I can't and then it all falls down on my head like I caused it to happen on purpose and the reality is that I just don't have that kind of control.

And it makes me sad.

I've been having intense dreams. Last night's dream involved spilled soda from a fountain flooding a convenient store, a dog, cleaning the coke up, having twin babies, one dying, and one sitting up and playing in a container of formula..

I don't know what any of it means other than that I have an active imagination. And no my feelings are hurt because I tried to do a nice thing, an honest and open thing, and I got shit on for my efforts. I don't know how to do this divided loyalty thing.

Gideon's bio dad has stopped paying child support. I need to stream line my finances. And with My guy, we have some new goals, like buying a home, or renting another. I went from being rather comfortable to very very tight financially and I need to try to reverse that.

Cutting off the cable TV. Turning down the speed of the internet. And possibly changing cell phone plans and providers. Because you can't change down with a current provider. I'm having a surprisingly emotional response to going from an all the data you want plan and fancy iphone to stepping into a basic calls and texts phone. Why is that? I'd still be able to suer the iphone as a little tablet to play on or use as an ereader. I don't actually need to access email and facebook all day. So what's the problem?

Cw used to read this. He's been busy since he moved to Kansas, and in with me, so I don't know when or if this will be seen. I try to communicate and I try to respect the needs of every one. But at the same time, I feel like everything has been turned upside down and any small bit of normalcy I try to grab back onto is some sort of act of disrespect.

ITs not meant that way. Its meant to just be me trying to make like pleasant for everyone. I just don't know who to do it. The kids wont cooperate on the animals being out all the time. If I'm home I can mediate the critters coming in for a visit and going back out. I feel like I shouldn't be the one who gets bitched at over what happened while I was at work, the little boys were at a sitter, and Isaiah was home alone. And I certainly don't think I should get bitched at three days later when I said, "I let the puppy in to play for a while, but he's back out now".

I totally suck at blogging.

It seems that I've forgotten the first rule of blogging, which is to, you know, blog. Anyway, its been a super busy summer and a lot has happened.

Short story is that I am in a new relationship with an old old friend and I am really enjoying life. Things are going well. Its an adjustment for the kids, but they are liking things too.

School is getting ready to start. I was all excited about the new school year, and the column movement raise I was expecting to get. Until I didn't get it. I remember having a conversation with the HR lady last may when I checked out. At the time she said I was good to go and it would show up on my new contract. Well, the new contract came, and it wasn't on there.

In fact, due to a hiccup in the negotiated agreement, I don't get a raise at all. I was on MS+15 and step eight. The salary for step nine is exactly the same. Id I had moved to MS+30, it would have been a 1200 dollar a year raise.

My new guy grew up in Kansas, he was one of my very best friends in elementary school, but he has spend the last several years living in Colorado. He moved back to Kansas to finish his degree, and I think to be near me (scary flattering, I don't like having that kind of power over a person), but I know he missed it. I was dead set against the idea, partially because I feel like it is silly to walk away from a decently paying job. That was before I was screwed over.

In talking to my co-workers, this seems to be  a pattern. They did the same thing to my friend, Amanda. She was due to move over a column, but then it didn't happen because it wasn't on the transcript she turned in in April, when the paperwork was collected. She graduated in May, and was assured that it would be ok, she'd move up. Then it was reversed and she ended up working a year underpaid.

This year she took a pay cut to quit working for the coop as a special education teacher in order to work for USD 257 as a math teacher.

I should be ok either way. I make enough to carry us. The extra hundred or so a month would be nice, but I'm planning on trimming out cable and internet when school starts and that will save money. I'll also renegotiate the cell contract. The new guy is a sweetie and helps out with stuff and will probably keep doing so.

Anyway, the point was, I'm much more open to a relocation now. Colorado sounds like fun to be honest. Nicer weather, out door activities, higher pay for me, and I'm sure for anyone else when compared to a similar job in Kansas.

There's other stuff to get into, but that's what's on my mind at the moment; well, and the fact that the guy who died yesterday was supposedly this great  composer but all the music clips they play on the news are super annoying.

Or the fact that if summer break were much longer, my kids would be in terminal danger. I'm serious, they are tired of everything, playing outside, watching TV, playing video games, the pool. They've settled into beating each other up and begging for junk food.

I have two classes to take this fall. I'm trying to get the soul sucking coop to cover the majority of the cost, they usually only do one class. If I take two this semester and one next semester, I'll be finished by the summer. It will be hard, but I can do it.

Anyway, I hope that I don't fall off the planet like that again, but no promises.