Perceptions

I've been thinking about how people seem to percieve myself and my kids lately. Mostly I feel like people tend to be disapproving. Single mom, teen pregnancy, multiple fathers, separated but not divorced yet (of course it would help if the ass hole would keep an address and contact information current).  I've been on welfare. I've quit jobs because I thought that welfare was better then the job. I'm still on food stamps and get assistance for medical care for my kids and for daycare. I'm what conservatives like to call a welfare mom. And I'm not at all apologetic for it. I would rather not be, and I am actively working to not be, but I am what I am and I've been what I've been; I can't change that and I hate feeling like I ought to be ashamed of it. I hate feeling like I will never ever diserve the kind of success ful life with a home and a yard and a fence and a minivan and a loving husband. I hate feeling like there are peole out there who think that I will always be trash. 

So I don't. I don't let the things that others think about me color what I want to do with my life and for my children. 

Last friday and saturday I drove myself and my children across this country. I got a latter start then I wanted and ended up hitting Memphise after eleven. So I found a howard johnson on the west side of the mississippi and checked us in. We were grubby and exhausted and I was glad to sleep for a few hours and to shower and bath the kids, and for the free breakfast the next morning. But this isn't about what I did, but about what others seem to think. I get loooks when I'm out with the kids. Sometimes they are "oh so cute" looks. Sometimes they are "I hope the kids are good" looks. Sometimes the looks are different. Like I shouldn't be there. Like there is something missing from the group. A husband or a helper. 

When we made it in, my grandparents through my father (the ones I didn't have any contact with as a child) were talking with dad about us. About how beautiful the boys are (and they are) about how proud they are of me, doing what I've done all alone, and with my brothers to watch out for (not that I watched them much, mostly I've cut them loose)  And about how crazy it was of me to drive across the country with three boys. 

Is it that crazy? I am an adult woman. I am of age and sane and non impaired, I have a whole summer free. I have family all over the country. I have a reliable car and the ability to gas it. Am I that crazy, brave, weird, to drive them to see family? 

I dunno. To me, to not take them on trips like this, to keep them tied to the house all summer and to avoid any thing outside our safe routine, would be to capitulate to those who like to say that because of my past I will never be able to have a normal life that isn't full of sturggle and strife. I refuse to do so. I am intelligent and qualified and I will have a decent job that pays what the market says a person with my experience and education is worth. I will have a home and a vehicle that suits my family. I will give my kids these experiences that make childhood magical. I can't buy their way into amusement parks or purchase the newest, shiniest toys, or the best brands and styles of clothing. But I can take them to grampas house over the summer. I can give them summer car trips with brothers grumbling in the back and mom hushing them from the front seat. In other words, I can give them the idea of family that the wider part of society says I can't. And I can show them that it is possible to achieve fullfillment without being part of a couple. And if someday I am part of a couple, that person will add to the family we are, not make the family, and certainly not take away from it.